Too hard to be good

I've decided its too hard to be good. I will try my best but am not going to beat myself up if I have a beer or mixed drink every once in a while. Cancer will return or it won't. I will not live my life in fear of it. Instead I will live having as much fun as possible while trying to do cancer fighting things.
I want to talk about Buddhism. As I read "A New Earth" the author spoke of Buddhism so I became intrigued. I started reading about it and was surprised at how little I knew about it. First and foremost, it is NOT a religion as much as it is a path to peace. And in my quest for enlightenment I have decided to give it a chance. Its funny that a couple of people saw the book on my desk at work, and even my husband at home, and they were surprised and even a bit concerned for me. I suspect it is that they don't know much about Buddhism either. They are most likely misinformed as I was.
Anyway, I am intrigued to the point that I want to visit a Buddhist Center in Raleigh, NC. I find that searching for peace and enlightenment is not the way to find it. The way to find it is to SEE what is already here. Most people are so busy looking for that THING that will make them happy that they fail to see what they already have, are, etc.
If reading about Buddhism gives me peace then that's OK. Don't worry I won't turn radical because peace has no enemies. Peace is about seeing the good in all things. I am trying and some days it is easier than others. But I find that I am a much easier person to be around. Even for myself.
Much love to all who have been with me through this and all parts of this life that I live. Thanks you for your love and well wishes. I wish for you nothing but peace.

Eating to live instead of living to eat

Since reading the book "AntiCancer: A new way of life" I have decided to start eating better and drinking less. In my previous post you probably saw that I was struggling with this because no matter what you do or don't do in this life there are no guarantees. I could continue as I have in the past and never get cancer again. Or I could do everything right and cancer may still return. One just never knows. However, if I begin this path of healthy eating/living and still get cancer then again I can say to myself, "I did everything I possibly could to prevent this from happening." That was my thing about doing chemo also. I didn't want to say, "If only I had done the chemo...., etc." There are certain things that I have absolutely no control over: I am a woman, I am over 40, I am post-menopausal, etc. But the things that I DO have control over will be taken in hand.
So eating better is not as easy as one might think. I have cut out all sugar, aspartame, splenda, etc except for the occassional dark choclate fix. I have stopped drinking alcohol with the exception of 1 glass of red wine a day and a glass unfortunately is only 5 ounces. Boo Hiss! So to psyche myself out I add seltzer water to it or even drink pomegranate juice or blueberry juice out of my wine glass! How crazy is that?! Not drinking has been very difficult for me. I was a 1 beer and 2 drinks (whiskey and diet sprite) gal every day and on the weekends - well God only knew how many drinks it would be! Depended on how much football was on! I hope it gets easier as I move on!
No diet sodas anymore. In fact, no sodas anymore! No white bread anymore! Try that one too! Pizza, crackers, pretzels.....all made from white flour. No cookies! I am going nuts! I have dicovered fruit smoothies and they are delicious but they don't stay with me that long. This is going to be very tough to try to be healthy and prevent cancer from coming back. Very difficult in this fast food world we live in!
Eating better is also more expensive. Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and fish can get pricey. As you can see I believe I am a little resentful at having chosen this route. I hope I can get over that too.
Have also started walking at lunch several times a week. That should help also.
This is about living the best life that I can. This is about being happy and healthy. This is about having a good attitude so that it exudes to others. This is about sending out positive energy to the world. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I will give it my best shot! Wish me luck!
Cheers to all - even if its only with juice in a wine glass!

A Huge Dilemma

When I was going through cancer treatments I chatted on the boards and got to "know" several people and what they were/are going through. One of the blogs that I read regularly, and still do, is http://howidealwithwhatiwasdealt.blogspot.com/ . Laurie is a wonderful writer and I have enjoyed reading her blogs and have much sympathy for her plight. She wrote recently about a book called "AntiCancer: A New Way of Life" so I decided to read it. I am about 3/4 of the way through it and thus, following is my dilemma.
One of the things we do as humans is to always want and look for more. We see this as the opportunity to fulfill ourselves; to make us seem worthy to others and to ourselves. It is in our very nature to take things for granted and NOT make the most of the days of our lives. When something like cancer strikes someone it is likely that they will re-evaluate their lives for what is most important. And when they do that they realize that enjoying this life is the MOST important thing to do. Enjoying one's life can be accomplished in many ways but enjoying it is at the forefront.
When I found out about the cancer and read the book, "A New Earth", I decided that enjoying my life would be the #1 thing from now on. I began a "Bucket List" after watching that movie and have learned to de-stress, forgive, ask for forgiveness, love more deeply, speak more kindly, etc.
This new book is about learning what foods to give up to make one less susceptible to the return of the cancer, exercising to help with that also, and not allowing stress the run your life. It is about the things to do to make one live longer.
Here's my dilemma for those of you that haven't already figured it out. I want to LIVE for a long time - cancer-free. However, I also want to enjoy every moment that I have on this earth. I want to eat good food, spend time with my family, travel, drink good drinks.......you get the picture. What does one do? Does one trick themselves into thinking that eating well, exercising and not drinking is the best way to enjoy their life? And let's say they do everything right and the cancer still returns - what then? Think on that one for a while and if you come up with an answer I'd love to hear it!

A little bit of Anxiety among friends

Do you know who you are? And I don't mean the "I am Wendy Smith, a wife, step-mother, daughter, IT Specialist, college graduate, etc, etc, etc......" I mean deeper than that. Don't worry if you don't. I don't either. And its OK. The greater feat is to be OK with not knowing. Uncertainty is almost always uncomfortable. But if you can be OK with not knowing who you are at a deeper level than the labels in the above sentence then you are on the path to awareness. The awareness of the BEING-NESS of all things. Think about that one for a while.
I went for my second 3 month cancer checkup this past Tuesday. For some reason I had to wait for almost an hour in the room until the doctor could see me to give me my test results. I asked him after we had gone through everything if the anxiety of these visits ever goes away. He said no. He said the anxiety will diminish with each passing visit that one is told that they appear to still be cancer free but it will never totally go away. For some reason I was more anxious this time than last. I guess I figured that perhaps there would still be some chemo in my body last time and that would inhibit any growth (if there is anything left growing). But this time I was more anxious for a couple of reasons. First, with my cancer which was more aggressive the first 2 years are critical. After the first 2 years and with each year after that the odds continue to go way down that it will recur. But during those first 2 years there is a pretty high incidence of recurrence. So holding my breath for 2 years doesn't sound like much fun but I guess I will just have to not worry about it. Easier said than done. Also, the waiting was killing me. In my mind I could see the doctor reading my test results and trying to figure out the best way to tell me that "it" had come back. But, thankfully, all is well once again and he wants to push our next meeting out to 4 months instead of the usual 3. OK by me. But those moments before you get your results are tense ones. Even if you decide in your mind that worrying is a waste of time - you still can't help but worry a little. And this time - I just had a strange feeling. Good to know that it was all in my head.
All is well in my life. I have started doing things on my "Bucket List" and can cross off visiting the big City of New York. We went to see my sister, Margie, in New Jersey and then went over to the City. We enjoyed it very much and got to see lots of sites. Next up - white water rafting and skydiving.....I hope. Everyone should have a list of things they want to do and DO THEM. Don't wait because you are not guaranteed another day. Enjoy this day to its maximum - even if its only hugging the one you love.

Dogs

We went to let my male dog impregnate a female dog this weekend. Interesting stuff - dogs when one is in heat and the other is always on GO! We always place human emotions, feelings, etc., onto our animals but really they are very basic. It is innate in them to do certain things and we must remember that. Anyway, the breeding is over and hopefully in a couple of months we will see new babies. I love puppies - as do most folks - but I had forgotten how much they cry at night. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. But when the baby falls asleep in my lap it almost makes it worthwhile.
So, I am inserting a few pictures of my new hair. It, too, is interesting. But I'm beginning to like it very much. It will be fun to see what it looks like in a few months.
OK, that's about all I have to say. Good wishes on great health to all!

I have an afro!

I do not mean to offend - even though I have every right to say whatever I feel - but I have an afro! I mean my hair is so curly that it is afro-like! I am so NOT used to this! My husband laughs at me and tells me that he thinks that I have the "curse of the curly hair" and will "hate it". He had very curly hair when he was young and hated it so much. I have always wanted curly hair and am damn glad to have hair so I doubt I will complain much, if any, about it. I will try to post a picture soon as it is hard to believe when you look at old pictures of me.
Anyway, all is well and I hope that each of you are well also. Cheers!

The Heat

The heat really gets to me now. I never really cared for extreme heat but now it seems that it takes so much more out of me. The energy that I so desperately want back is coming slowly. I think it may take longer for me to get back to "normal" so I shall wait. In the meantime I am trying not to complain about it. I just seem to need more naps than before. Sleep is a welcome retreat from the rigors of life. But then I have always loved to sleep.
So many people have told me to come back here and write more but it seems like when I do come here that all I end up doing is complaining and I don't want to do that. Life is good and I can't ask for more that I have at this moment. Work is work but it seems like it stresses me less than it used to so that it is a good thing.
I continue to read and try to awaken to my inner and outer life purposes. Sometimes I am pretty good at it and most times I get lost in the ways of the rest of the world where it is easier to complain, whine, moan about all that is going wrong instead of focusing on all that is right. Its very hard to do in the world that we live in. But it can be done. I continue to work toward it.
Things have been going well. It seems that Tom and I are busier than normal this summer - going and going more and more. Maybe having had cancer makes me know that tomorrow may not get here so do what you want to do today instead of waiting. Its really a shame that it took a life-altering event to make me "see the light" but in my case I can be very hard-headed.
It has almost been a year since my father died and I miss him very much. I know that he is in a much better place and having read "A New Earth" I realize too that his energy is still here. I never thought much about the fact that energy doesn't die and any energy that resides in the body will not die when the body dies but will rather move to another place. So I feel that my father's energy is still with me and that makes me feel better.
Anyway, know that I am still around and happy and healthy (to my knowledge) and things are going well. Take it easy, everybody. LIVE now because if you don't when are you going to?

Fear and Doubt

When I first found out that I had breast cancer people were kind enough to call me and enlighten me about the path that I was getting ready to embark upon. One of the people that called me was a nurse who worked for my OB-GYN doctor. He had asked her to call me to try to alleviate some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She called me out of the blue and talked to me for about 1/2 hour. She told me that I would finally get to the place, after treatment was over and life was beginning to get back to normal, where I wouldn't be concerned over every ache and pain that came up. She told me that I would stop worrying that the cancer had returned every time my breast hurt or I coughed and assumed that it had moved to my lungs. When she told me this I didn't really think much about it because I had yet to even go through my treatment so I was focused on that first. Do you sense a BUT coming? Now that my treatment is over and life is returning to normal I do find myself considering, "What is this new ache under my arm? Why is my cough getting worse? Has the cancer moved into my lungs? Is the breast cancer back?" I believe that it is very human to think these things. The problem comes in when we allow them to rule our lives. Fear can be a great motivator and it can cause one to be delusional. Delusion happens when the fear is allowed to become REAL.
I find that I do have those thoughts. And I don't like having them. I try my best not to allow them to stay around very long in my mind. I return to the present moment where all is well. But I believe that the girl was right when she told me that these thoughts will go away. I just have to give it time to happen.
Probably alot of women who have gone through breast cancer and come out the other side are interested in helping other people get through their trauma. And one of the ways we consider helping is by writing a book. If I thought I was creative enough I would attempt to write a book about this whole episode of my life but I fear that instead of helping others I would just bore them to tears. BUT, if I were going to write a book I have come up with a clever title. At least I think its clever. "I never loved my hair so much as I did after chemo" or "The Curls of Chemo". HA!
So, my hair is coming in and doing some strange things. I have never had more than a wave in my hair and that only appeared after my hysterectomy - I assume it had something to do with hormones, or lack thereof. However, now that my hair is growing back it is coming back with a pretty fierce wave/curl to it. I like it. But then I'm just glad its coming back at all.

Normal

I guess its normal for folks who have been through a life altering experience to begin to question their lives and why they do certain things. Since being diagnosed with cancer and especially since reading "A New Earth" I have become increasingly dissatisfied with working at my job. Not necessarily because I don't like my job - which I do (most of the time), and I am certainly blessed to even have a job, but more because I would rather spend my time on this earth, in this life, doing other things. When I first began treatment I started talking to my husband about selling our home and moving into a double-wide on a large plot of land and getting that dream land that we have always wanted. He smiled and said, "Let's wait and see what happens and get through all of this first." He was right, of course, but I still find that I am ready to put away some of the "stuff" of this world and our lives. It used to be that I wanted to be the best in my job and wanted to make lots of money and blah, blah, blah. Now, those things just don't seem to matter much anymore. I just want to spend time with my family, and my dogs and do those things that I find interesting and more fun. I have become indifferent to alot of things - passive almost. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is as it is. Don't get me wrong. I feel very blessed to have all that we do. I just don't need it that much anymore.

I am doing fine

This is the first chance I've had to tell everyone that I am doing fine. My tumor markers were fine and so was all other items tested with the exception of low blood sugar. But nothing really to worry about. And I won't worry anyway.
My energy is coming back and I have been walking everyday on the treadmill which helps alot. Remember, I have 18 pounds to take back off! But that will come - 1 pound at a time.
I told my husband the other night, when sitting outside on our back porch, that I am happier than I have been in years. It amazes me how much letting go of little things will give you a different perspective on life. Every once in a while I find myself slipping back into the old patterns and it scares me. I can't go back there! I can't return to the person I was. At least I am more aware and when those times come up I can recognize them and surpress them. Whew! Thank goodness for that!
I walked in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Walk a couple of weeks ago and loved it! It made me very sad, however, that there even has to be such a thing but I chose to look at the bright side of it and that women every day are LIVING instead of dying from breast cancer. And even as much as I hated it and do not have any idea what, long term it will do/has done to my body, really chemo and radiation was not that bad in the grand scheme of it all. If that's the worse thing I ever have to go through then I am blessed. And if there is more to come then I will deal with it.
So for now, I am well. And I am happy. And, after all, what more could a person ask for?

Anger and Hair - odd combination, I know!

First a word about anger. Five years ago I was fired from my job. The person that fired me was a friend of mine that had asked me to come and work for him as he grew his brand new business. In fact, his family and our family were very good friends. So after I was fired I was angry and we didn't speak (other than an email or two) for about 3 1/2 years. Even when seeing each other in the store things were tense.
A few months ago I realized that anger is a waste of time and energy and as I have become more aware I have realized this even more. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to show us what is really important in our lives. And not holding on to past anger is very important to me. In fact, I realized that I wasn't even angry anymore. I played a part in what happened to me also. I am responsible for my actions and no one on this earth can DO things TO me. I make my own destiny in everything that I say and do. Since then I have felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I have reached out and tried to become friends with these folks again. My husband has not. He cannot let go of the grievance that he has for the gentleman that fired me. He thinks that since we were such good friends that things could have been handled better. Even though I have told Tom that it is partly my fault, what happened, he doesn't care. He says that this guy spit on our family by placing us in the position that he did. Financially we struggled after I was fired. And it took a couple of years to recover. Tom just can't forget or forgive that. So, I finally decided to ask these folks to my "No Mo' Chemo/Rad Party" and they, surprisingly, showed up. We actually had a pretty good time. And Tom and I had said that if this guy were to show up then that would show that he had evolved and maybe changed a little also.
Well, nothing has changed in Tom's mind. He said it was good to see them and he enjoyed spending time with them but they didn't talk about what happened so its all the same as it was before.
In A New Earth Eckhart talks about holding on to grievances and how that strengthens our ego. But he also talks about how we can only be responsible for ourselves and cannot make anyone else do/feel/BE what we want. So, I have told Tom that I will not bug him about this anymore. I have made peace with these folks in my heart, mind and soul and that's all I can do. I wish it could be different.
So, anger will eat you alive. It does nothing except strengthen your ego by strengthening the mental position you have. Its just not worth it. What does anger do for you? Does it make you feel right? Is feeling right more important than being happy? Not to me - not any more. In fact it is more worth it to me to apologize and be happy - even if it makes the other person think they were right. Because its OK for me that they feel that way. I have learned to feel what it feels like to be diminished. It is uncomfortable but not unbearable. When you can accept the unacceptable you find peace. It is a cool feeling.
Now, hair again. The hair on my body, as I mentioned before, is coming back. And when it is growing it is coming in straight out. Hair on my arms is sticking straight out. Hair on my face - straight out. Hair, everywhere, straight out! It is so weird looking!! But actually kind of funny. Anyway, am going to get the eyebrows waxed this weekend. At least they aren't sticking straight out - for the most part!
Had blood drawn for tumor markers today. Wish me luck! We'll find out in a week!

Race for the Cure

I sent this email site to several folks but if I forgot you then please visit and do what you can to help. I sure appreciate it alot.

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1323588

Had a little party for myself this past weekend - I know......the ultimate in ego - and we had a very good time. I am done with all treatments and now just go for check ups. I plan on being around a very long time.

What to say?

Its interesting that I keep coming here, in fact I feel compelled to come here, and once I get here I have trouble coming up with something to say. So I'll try to come up with something that won't bore anyone.
Since I have started becoming more aware I tend to notice things more than I used to. Don't get me wrong......my mind is still full of static and I tend to wander in my mind still more than I want to.......but I am able to bring myself back into the present more than I used to be able to and I am much more calm than I used to be. I find that I don't get as angry, frustrated, or anxious as I used to. Its easier to tell folks that I love them and cherish their friendships. I have a new mantra - "I don't mind what happens". That doesn't mean that I LIKE everything that happens but I can accept it. Or at least I am trying. I have found that this life is alot easier if I can accept things that happen rather than fighting them. I don't know what caused my cancer but I do have a feeling that stress contributed greatly. So it is my wish to relieve the stress in my life. And by staying in the moment, not worrying about the future, and accepting the things that happen I can feel much more peace.
I am happy. I hope you are happy too.

A quick note about hair

Just a quick note about hair and it growing back. I think that I mentioned that most of my hair fell out and even my eyebrows and eyelashes continued to fall out even after chemo was done. And I noticed that my "beard", as I lovingly call it, had fallen out. So all that peach fuzz that lived on my face was gone. Oh blessing of blessings!! Hallelujah! Uh oh......that which falls back eventually will grow back - except my husband's hair which it appears will not come back. So I leaned into the mirror last night and took a good look. WOW! You know how I said that alot of time a woman who has been thru chemo will have hair that will grow back thicker, darker and sometimes curly? Well the beard is coming back in and guess what?! It's thicker! Not darker yet but I am waiting. But not only is it thicker but when it is growing it is growing straight out. I mean I have the hairs ALL over my face that are sticking straight out!!! It isn't pretty. My hair dresser may have to wax more than my eyebrows soon!
Anyway, I thought that might interest some of you to know that we should all be careful what we wish for! It might just come true!
Cheers!

What's next?

So, I was looking at my calendar today and happened to look at June. My next Oncologist appointment is June 13th. The week before I have to have blood drawn to have tumor markers measured. So I looked at what tests he had requested on my lab sheet and then decided to look those up and see what they mean. Here are the two that he requested: Cancer Antigen 27.29 (CA 27.29) and Carcinoembryonic Antigen (CEA). When I researched this I found the following: CA 27.29 test primarily measures metastatic carcinoma of the breast - which I do not have. So, of course, my ego got hold of me and briefly I freaked! My mind started telling me "stories" and I actually bought into them - as I said - briefly. Then I brought myself back to the present moment and realized that whatever I "think" MAY happen in the future is NOT REAL! Did you know that your body cannot tell the difference between a thought and the real thing? For example, if you hear a noise in your house at night and start to think, "Someone is breaking in!" then the body will react AS IF someone was really breaking in! Your heart rate will increase and your body will become stressed. Its wild! So my thoughts, about something of which I cannot control (btw), were making me crazy. So, here's my thought - HA - for the day: When your brain starts taking you somewhere in the future or the past - remember - there is nothing you can do about either one of those. The past cannot prevent you from being in the present moment and the future isn't even here yet - why worry? Worry is a waste of perfectly good time and energy.
When I go to the doctor he will tell me what he tells me. And in that moment I will accept whatever he says. Then, and only then, can I do anything about it.
Cheers to all! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

It is ALL OVER!

Today was the day of my last radiation. It is bittersweet because I have grown to appreciate my caregivers so much and I will miss them. But as I told them when I left, "I hope the next time I see you its in the grocery store or some place other than here!" They agreed. I imagine it is very hard for them also. They have a job where NO ONE wants to see them. The only people they see are sick. How hard! But I am more than estatic that it is over!!! My skin is glad also. My right breast feels like leather and looks pretty weird also. Its nice to have it in a place where it won't be seen by everyone though. The woman at the center with tonsil cancer had to lvie with her "leather skin" where everyone could see it. Just another thing to be grateful for!
I want to apologize if I have been "preaching". I am just putting down what is in my heart and sometimes I can get a little excited about my new found awareness.
So now it is seeing the Oncologist every three months for a while and a mammogram in about 5 months. I will have to see the Radiologist in 6 months. I have decided, however, to put it out of my mind. If it returns then I will deal with it. Otherwise I vow to LIVE my LIFE and enjoy every moment I can.
Thank you all for reading this and following my trip thru cancer. I have truly enjoyed putting my thoughts down here on this page. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Hair

I am getting some hair back now and have decided that I no longer need the hats. I have about 1/2" of hair on my head and I still get stares but I have decided that there is really no reason to hide myself behind a hat. It is as it is. In fact, I am more confortable in my own skin overall. I'm telling you that this book, A New Earth, has made me see life in a totally different way. I used to think that God was "out there somewhere" but now I know that He is everywhere. He is in the flower, in the air, in the trees, in me, etc. His presence is felt everywhere. I am a part of Him. We are all a part of Him. That realization has made me leave fear behind - or at least I am learning. All my old habits are still with me but I am at least aware of them now and can recognize when they enter my thoughts and I react in my old way.
There are not words to describe how blessed I feel to be alive. Everything is a blessing. Breathing is a blessing. Being able to walk, talk, and laugh are all blessings. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I am happy and I want you all to be happy also. Take each moment and accept it as it is and you will find that life becomes much easier to LIVE!
Only 2 more rads to go! I cannot believe I'm almost done!

4 more to go!!

I have 4 more rads to go! I can't believe it! I am very glad that I stopped being identified with my illness so that once it is over I can go back to feeling prefectly normal again. I used to worry about it coming back but worry is a waste of time and energy. It is in God's hands.
Physically I feel pretty good also. Radiation can do a number on one's skin and I had a little issue this past weekend with blistering and raw skin. But other than that I am tanned and my skin feels like leather. Can't imagine how this can be good for me?!
I recently saw my husband's brother-in-law (husband to Tom's deceased sister, Jane) and when he and one of his sons saw me I guess that it brought up memories for them of what Jane had been through. Of course, Jane was alot sicker than I and cancer finally took her life. But she always had the best attitude - always - even to the end. But I remember he said that her doctors had told her that they were going to give her medicines (chemo, etc) that would bring her to the point closest to death without killing her. My surgeon told me that its like trying to kill an ant with a hammer. Isn't that just crazy?
Anyway, I'm not complaining. I just wish that we were closer to preventing this from happening to others. I pray that one day we will be free of this disease (and many others) altogether.
I want each of you to know that I am happy and am getting healthy again. I am less stressed and less burdened with things that don't matter. I feel more alive than I ever have. Smells are sweeter, flowers are prettier, life is awesome.
I have had several people tell me that even after this craziness is all over that I should continue to write. I wish that I could. In fact, I really want to. But when I sit to write nothing new and original comes to me. I could bore you with loads of stories but just feel that would be a waste of everyone's time. So, I will write until I totally run out of things (important) to say. Knowing me and my mouth - it may take longer than I think.
Cheers to all!

Playing the victim

We all play the victim from time to time. It feeds the ego and allows us to feel like our worth is more than someone else. It makes us feel superior to others because we are going through more than anyone else. Our cross to bear is bigger..........our plight is worse......blah, blah, blah.
I'll get back to that in a minute.
The past few days have been wonderful for me. It has been a weekend full of wonderful moments! On last Saturday, Tom and I were invited to a wedding celebration for some friends and we had a blast! And then on Sunday we re-connected with some old friends that have moved back to NC from California. It was so great to see them and as far as I'm concerned you can NEVER have too many friends. Especially the ones you love so much. And then yesterday Tom and I went to a Van Halen concert in Raleigh and had such great seats! I have never sat that close to the stage before! It was awesome!
So, back to my other thoughts. I am a bit discombobulated (sp?) and women do not think linearly, anyway. So, I was lying on the table the other day getting my radiation treatment and all of a sudden my mind took me into the victim mode. It was as if I just realized where I was and what I was doing. I thought to myself, "I have cancer and I'm here having to go through this." And I immediately realized that it was my ego. So I became present again and it went away. I am not a victim. I am not someone who cancer happened to. I am not defined by this disease. I AM. This moment happened and I have become friends with it. My friend said the other day that she was riding one of her horses one day and it was a beautiful day and she thought, "This is a perfect day." And then she quickly realized that there are NO perfect days - there are only perfect moments. And actually only one moment - NOW - this moment. I have had more perfect moments since I have started becoming aware than I ever have had in my life. It is so simple. Where have I been before this? Why has it taken me 45 years to figure this out? I almost feel like I have been living in "sleep mode" and I have just woken up. And it is GREAT to finally be conscious!

Feeling Froggy

I love spring!!! The flowers are blooming and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and everythins seems so ALIVE! It makes me feel froggy!
I have 12 rads left!!! I am getting near the end and my hair is growing back and all is well with the world again! I'm finding that I need to write here less and less. Not that it doesn't help - its just that I find that I don't need that much help anymore. I would imagine as my time gets closer to the end that there will be fewer and fewer posts and one day I will ultimately stop. But it has been a true God-send to me to have this place to come and vent. I hope that all of you who have been reading can take something away from this even if its just hoping to never ever have to come back here and read any more of my rantings and ravings! I have certainly learned alot about myself and this disease that strikes so many.
I appreciate each of you for being here for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish for each of you peace and good health and may your days be FULL of wonderful moments! Each moment is precious and don't let the "stuff" of life get you down. Thanks again.

Itch, Scratch......Itch, Scratch

We've all had to deal with uncontrollable itches that are in the most inappropriate places. And they always seem to happen when its the worst possible time and place so that scratching the itch is impossible. And the more you try to think of something else the more maddening the itch is. It happens when your boss is talking to you or when you are standing in line at the bank, etc.
So, my right breast itches terribly. So does my right underarm. And it is kind of difficult to scratch it all the time. Thus it is maddening most of the time. I put the lotions and potions on it that they tell me to but they "ain't workin'!" At least not to the point that I would like for them to. Oh well. Just a little thing to have to complain about. If that's the worst of it then bring it on!
Tom and I had a very nice weekend. We worked in the yard and cleaned our house. We also watched a couple of movies and Tom got to play guitars (which he loves) with a neighbor of ours. And we went to a birthday party and enjoyed some great food and fun with some new friends. It was a weekend of blessings and today it is raining and it is another day of blessings. Each day, each moment is a blessing. This is a day the Lord has made.......Rejoice and Be Glad!

A Beautiful Day

Today is a beautiful day. Actually every day that we can wake up and breathe is a good day. But today is particularly gorgeous day as it is warm and the sky is blue and the flowers are budding and the world is alive and wonderful! Tom and I decided to take the day off and we worked in the yard. We had some plants to re-pot and a couple of trees to plant (my Earth Day promise) and we also bought some herbs and started an herb garden. While we were outside our dogs were running around in the yard, as they often do, and our youngest, Reese, started across the street to see the lady over there. Our dogs are about 55 pounds, medium sized, and they are very nice. The worst thing they might do is jump on you but mostly they are just friendly. Well, we didn't know but she is terrified of dogs. She looked up and saw the dog coming and started running away screaming. We were screaming at the dog and all she did was keep chasing the woman because she thought they were playing. Well finally I got the dog and put both of them in our day pen. By the time I went back across the street the woman's husband was cussing at Tom and the woman was almost hysterical.
Now, I am in the process of learning to stay in the moment and accept each moment as it is, whatever that may be. I am trying to not react and to be positive. It was very difficult to do that at that moment and its probably a good thing that Tom went over there because I don't think that I could have held my tongue. Tom apologized about a million times and the guys still had the gall to tell him that he was going to call the "law" if we didn't put our dogs on a leash. Well in the County our dogs don't have to be leashed unless they are deemed dangerous or vicious. I think he would have a very hard time proving our dogs as dangerous. He was really an ASS about it. So here I am trying to learn to let things go and yet I am still thinking about this incident and writing about it. So, clearly, I am having more trouble letting go than I thought. As I've said before I am a work in progress.
Anyway, today was 18 rads down so I am now a little over 1/2 way! WOOHOO!!! Almost there!
I hope all of you have a good weekend and try not to let the little things bother you. I am trying also.

Earth Day

Today is April 22nd and it is Earth Day. Today is meant to bring about awareness to our Mother Earth and what we are doing to her. I usually try to plant something on Earth Day but I have been too inside myself to do that this year. No Excuse! So, I will try to plant a tree this weekend to uphold my agreement to myself.
Mind noise has been a problem for me the past couple of days. This is when the mind begins telling me what to do - talking to me and telling me things that I know to be untrue or "whirring" away on things that just don't matter. I have to be very aware in those moments to bring myself back into the present moment and not listen to the mind noise. Its funny how we as humans are always looking for our next issue, happy moment, big break, money windfall, etc., and we lose sight of the moments that we are in - right now. We are never satisfied so must always look ahead. And then we've got our past that wants to tell us that something is right or wrong just because that's the way we were brought up. If we learn to accept the present time in our lives then we will probably be alot happier. Or at least, maybe, we'd be alot less insane!
15 Rads down! All going well except skin is starting to itch and breast is starting to be a bit achy. Doc says that's OK - gave me the name of some anti-itch cream. I may use it all over my body because my hair is starting to grow back everywhere and I've been scratching like I have fleas! I now have a 5:00 shadow on the top of my head. Its kinda cool except when I hot flash! Then its hot and sweaty - HA!
Happy Earth Day to ALL!! Thanks for hanging in there with me. The Lord will bless you for helping this old girl like you have!

45 YEARS OLD!

Monday, April 21st, is my 45th birthday. How different I feel about birthdays now! I used to hate turning older and looking in the mirror at all those wrinkles. But, know what? Every single one of those wrinkles brought me to this place in this life. Everyone of them is for something that happened to me in this life and that is a very good thing. Some may say, "so what?" But I have to tell you that I am starting to believe (and my new book has alot to do with this) that I have been blessed with the GIFT of cancer. Yes, I said gift. And no, I haven't lost my mind. This gift has made me look at this life in a totally different light and it is truly beautiful! This gift has changed my mind about alot of things - "If you want to be somebody else, change your mind" - from a song by Sister Hazel. I am thinking more clearly than I have in years. I am happy and feeling very blessed to BE in/of this LIFE.
"Life is good" is a mantra that you can find everywhere - on t-shirts, bumper stickers, hats, etc., and how true this simple little saying is.
On Monday my ego will tell me that it is MY DAY but truly it will be another day in this wonderful place we call LIFE and you better believe that I will be celebrating!!!

In the present

I am present in the moment and find myself having much better days lately. When my mind noise begins taking me to the future or the past I try to reign back into the moment. This moment is ALL I have so why not make it a good one? It is as it is and if I embrace it instead of fighting it then I am much more at ease. I like this feeling.

No more Pity Parties - Promise!

The rads are going well. No side effects so far and I am so glad. It won't be as long as it has been!
I have turned the corner, I do believe! I am done with complaining and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I just cannot do it anymore. I am feeling stronger and my attitude has adjusted. I want to become enlightened about why I am here on this earth and why things happen. I mentioned the book, A New Earth, and I have to say that so far it is dead-on! Granted I am only on Chapter 3 but I cannot believe how much I agree with what this man has written. I am bound by my ego and that is NOT a good thing. I want to get out from underneath it. I want to stop labeling people and things and myself and just BE. I want to stop talking about folks and stop worrying about them talking about me. I want to ask for forgiveness and grant it also. I am ready for this change. I am a work in progress and that's OK. I am calm and at peace. I pray it lasts.
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." -From A New Earth

Just another thing

The Smiths have had a hard year. As any of you that have been reading since my first blog you know that in the last 17 months Tom and I lost both our fathers, his brother and I got cancer. Recently as today the list of "more stuff" got longer. A very young lady decided to run into his truck while he was sitting in a turn lane. This is Tom's baby - his truck - the first time in our married life that he got the vehicle that HE wanted and had wanted for a long time. So his rear bumper is smashed in and his feelings are more than a little hurt. He is NOT hurt - other than a headache and a neck ache but he is really mad. And I am too. Haven't we had enough to deal with? And you guys know how much of a hassle it is to try to get a vehicle fixed and deal with the insurance companies, etc, etc. - What a pain! I am very glad that Tom is OK. And that should be the main thing, right?! Right! Easy to say.
7 rads down! 28 to go! Its kind of a pain to have to go every day but I'm sure it will go by quickly. I sure hope so anyway. I really wish that I had taken the time off from work because I find it hard to get up and go. I'd much rather stay at home until I start looking normal again. But even though I do work at home sometimes I'm sure they would rather me be there. I'm doing the best I can which isn't very good most of the time. Not sure what's wrong with me other than loads going on in my life and I am trying to be a better person on top of it all......you see my problem. Too much to do and think about! The Roller Coaster ride is getting old.
I am reading A New Earth and am hoping that it helps me toward my need for some enlightenment in this craziness that we live in. I will blog about it, I feel sure, so stay tuned.
Thanks for listening AGAIN. I am so lucky to have this place to vent.

An amazing article

This past weekend in the Parade there was an article about a man that was dying from Pancreatic cancer and the things that he wanted his children to know since he wouldn't be around. These are the things that I need to remember and try to live by.

"Always have fun" Better to be a fun-loving Tigger than a sad-sack Eeyore.
"Dream Big" Give yourself permission to dream.
"Ask for What you want"
"Dare to take a risk"
"Look for the Best in Everybody" If you wait long enough people will surprise and impress you.
"Make time for what matters" Time is all you have. And one day you may find that you have less than you think.
"Let kids be themselves."
-Taken from Parade magazine on April 6th, 2008.

My right breast is starting to ache a little. It's not burned yet or even tanned from 4 rad sessions. But it is a little sore. Kind of like it used to be when the "time of the month" came by. So far that is all I am dealing with. I'm tired also but I think its just stress though. So if I live by those things above will my stress go away? Sure seems like it would, doesn't it?

Finally getting some energy back

I am feeling better and better all the time. I still fatigue easier than I used to but I can tell that my energy is returning. That makes me feel good.
I had written a scathing blog entry about platitudes and how I hate them and wish people would stop using them with me. I read back thru it and decided that it sounded too much like I was preaching and I don't want to come off that way. I know that most people are just well-meaning and the others just don't matter.

Rads are going well - 3 down and 32 to go. So far so good. They never did do the tattoos so I think I'm just going to wait until they say that it HAS to be done and stop asking about it. For now I have blue marker marks on me covered with clear tape so it just looks strange but it doesn't really bother me. I asked on the message board when I would start feeling the side effects and some people said I just might make it thru without any. Wouldn't that be fantastic?!

I recently read an article about the type of BC that I have and it kind of scared me. It says that "women suffering a kind of breast cancer called triple-negative are more likely than other breast cancer patients to experience a relapse." It also said that "........women with triple-negative breast cancer were almost twice as likely to relapse. The pattern of relapse had a rapidly rising rate in the first two years after diagnosis, a peak at two to three years, followedby a decline over the next five." But the kicker was this: "...if triple negative breast cancer patients did experience a relapse, the median survival time from relapse to death was nine months....." So I read this article several times and it made me very sad. However, I am OK now. No one is promised another moment so make the most of the moments you have. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I am trying and I urge each of you to try also. We all need reminding from time to time.

1 rad down and 34 to go

I had my first radiation treatment today. They still haven't done the tattoos yet. I think they will do them in the next couple of days. They were right - I didn't feel a thing. Will have to wait to see how they will affect me. I understand the effects are cummulative so it may take a few days to affect me at all.
Its interesting to me how they describe what will happen with my breast while undergoing radiation. First, they say that it will tan. So I will have 1 tanned breast and 1 that's pasty white. OK - I can handle that. Next they say that it may burn (like a sunburn) so I have to put this special (expensive I might add) ointment on it after each treatment and at night before bed. OK, I can handle that. And last they tell me that the radiation makes the breast "perky" or more firm than it has been. I am 44 years old and it has literally been years since I had perky breasts. So I asked if they could/would radiate the other breast so that they could both be evenly perky. They said no. So soon I will have one perky/firm breast and one that wants to hang to my waist. How attractive! And just in time for summer and bathing suits too! Oh this just keeps getting better and better!
I am doing OK today - seem a little blue. Hope that gets better. We have had my male dog's "girlfriend" over for almost 2 weeks now and he is so hot for her that he doesn't want to sleep or eat so that means we can't sleep either. So maybe I'm just tired. I just really want to go home and cover my head and not come out for a few months. At least until I feel more normal. I'm so tired of not feeling like myself. I just want it all to be over! Why can't this be OVER??!!

X-Ray day

So I had to wait because they were running behind. Once they took me I was laid on a flat table again - they have something under my knees but it still makes my back hurt to lie there for very long - and they marked on me again and took xrays. They had this underwater scene on the ceiling which was very cool. So when they told me I had to lie still and not move a muscle I could only move my eyes and I took in the underwater scene. It was so nice - pretty colors and shapes. It certainly helped the time pass quickly. This big machine over me took pictures and lights came on and went off and at one time there was this big spotlight on my breast. And it was NOT entertaining anyone. There was a man and a woman in the room looking at my breast which didn't make me very happy either. Oh well - just another thing.
I start tomorrow with my 35 rads. I will do the best I can to go to work after each treatment. Some women on the message boards say that they get so fatigued that they have to take naps. I will do whatever I can. May have to work some in the evenings and on weekends to make up time lost. I just don't know what will happen.
I'll keep this blog up to date (or abreast - HA) with the situation. Thanks for hanging with me.

Radiologist visit again

I went to see the Radiologist again today. Actually I saw the radio-therapist - I guess that's what they are called - and I laid on a table with my arms over my head while the table moved back and forth thru this big tube looking thing. Then they put these blue permanent marker marks all around my chest. It was kinda surreal. I just couldn't believe that I was having to endure something else. I was a little anxious but it went quickly and was painless. I go back again tomorrow and will have the tattoos put on where the blue marker marks are now. They tattoos are permanent and allot of people go ahead and have them changed into a meaningful tattoo. I think I will skip it and just leave them alone. Maybe one day they will fade just like the nightmare of cancer will fade - I hope. After the appointment tomorrow I will schedule the 35 treatments of radiation that I will have to do. Will it ever end?

Today I helped someone.......I hope

I went to see the Radiologist today. I had met with her before and already knew that I liked her. She is full of "piss and vinegar" or is a "spitfire"....... most of you probably know what I mean. She is sassy.
So her nurse explained everything to me again and laid down the rules. No underwire bras, no shaving under the arm on the side where my breast cancer was found (and let me tell you during chemo that would be no problem as hair didn't grow there but any other time not shaving at least every other day is not an option), and no deoderant (HA!) in additon to some cream that I have to slather on every day. It should be interesting. Don't know much about it and how it will affect me. I'll just have to wait and see.
So, when I was walking out of the doctor's office a lady was just getting out of her car and noticed me walking to my car. She said, "Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a moment?" I assume that she noticed my baldness and decided that I might know something about cancer? I told her sure and she proceeded to tell me that she has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. I stood there and let her tell me her story. I have found that most people only want to talk about themselves and if you listen to them and let them vent them they will appreciate it. In my small way I like to do that. I have been told I am a good listener and I tried to listen to her today. She had a hard life also and was questioning whether or not her previous "escapades" had made God give her this cross to bear. I told her that my God is a loving God and he is NOT a vengeful God and I would never believe that something like this would be a punishment. She asked me about losing my hair and feeling bad and tired all the time and we talked for about 1/2 hour in the parking lot. She cried and I cried and we hugged and she thanked me for my help but mostly I think she just wanted someone to listen to her. I hope that I helped. It felt good to try to tell someone getting ready to start this CRAZINESS that one can live thru it and come out on the other side - even though it may feel like it will never end and one may question one's sanity during it all.
I read today that a lady on the message boards said it took her 1 year to get her strength back. I must be patient then because I am tired of being tired. I want some energy back! I don't want to huff and puff every time I walk up a flight of stairs or walk to my car, etc. I have started walking again and hope that helps also.
I am still overwhelmed and fearful but I am trying to get my head on straight again. Spring is here and the flowers are blooming and that always makes me feel a little "froggie" as I put it. That just means that I am ready to lay in the sunshine and feel the warmth and smell the fragrance and just be where things are NEW again. I love Spring! It is by far my favorite time of the year.
Not much more to discuss right now. I hope that everyone has a great weekend!
Cheers to all!

The Blues and allergies

Well, I have the blues again. I am so overwhelmed with the magnitude of everything that I am facing, have faced, need to get done, etc, that I feel like I'm losing my mind. In addition to that the allergens in the air are bothering me more than ever before. So, I am extra tired (overdid it this weekend in the yard also) and now blue on top of it all. The overwhelmed feeling is what's making me blue. I mean I am ecstatic to have completed chemo (AND NEUPOGEN) but now moving on to the next phase I find myself surprisingly sad. I really think it is thinking about what is next and wondering how it will affect me and feeling like nothing that I need to get done is getting done and.......blah, blah, blah. I know....same stuff, different day. I guess I am feeling post-partum blues without having the baby. Hmmmm, strange analogy, huh?
Poor Tom has had to give me more pep talks than ever. I feel sure that he is just about sick of me and my whining. It's always something - my back hurts, my head hurts, I'm so tired, etc. I asked him how long he thought it would take for me to feel normal (human) again and he said he thought as long as a year. That saddened me also.
So here I am sad and sniffy (allergies). This cancer thing is a constant battle between feeling yucky and feeling OK - not much feeling good - a few times but not many. The side effects seem to be cummulative and therefore they are "piling on" me at this time. I cannot imagine being Stage 3 or 4 and knowing that there is no cure for what you have. And that's another thing. I have triple negative breast cancer which has a higher rate of recurrence and is typically more aggressive. But everyone who is a survivor says that the worry will go away with time. I'm ready for it to be gone.
So, there it is for all to see. I am strong but today I feel very weak. Maybe this feeling is short-lived. I sure hope so.

Coming out of the fog but still tired

I am now in week 3 of my 4th round of chemo. Last week the Neupogen shots put me down - for three days!!! It was awful! But I am recovering and even managed to work in the yard this weekend - some but I fatigue so easily that I don't feel like I get much done. We got our little garden planted - well some of it anyway. I got my flower beds weeded also. I huff and puff very easily nowadays and just get so winded so fast! I hate it. But it will pass. I will start walking again and that will help alot, hopefully.
I am sitting here in the bed watching basketball and looking up wigs online. I have to go to a Bachelorette party next weekend and I was hoping that I could look halfway normal when I go......Tom came in and asked me what I was doing and when I said looking at wigs he asked why? He gave me a pep talk about how I haven't been too worried so far and why should I worry now?
Anyway, this week should be a good one and I'll keep you guys up to date on what happens with the Radiologist.
My words of wisdom this week are - "Begin each day as if it were on purpose" - Not my words but something that hit home with me.

Tired of feeling sick and tired

Well, I'm at home today - Neupogen again. I know its the last time but I am so tired. I know I've said it before but it seems like it just keep getting worse instead of better. Everything I read says that fatigue is cumulative so it makes sense that I would feel this way. But I'm so over this!
Anyway, I took an edible arrangement to my chemo nurses and other nurses and docs in the office. They loved it! It was almost too beautiful to eat. In fact one of them said she wasn't going to let anyone eat it until she could take a picture of it. I even saw my doctor taking a few bites! Of course, everyone loved the chocolate dipped strawberries - YUMMMMM!!!!!!
I'm sitting here knowing that I haven't written anything for a few days but just don't want to whine or complain so like mom says, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" - remember that? I like telling all of you what's going on because I know for most people this is the best way to know how I am doing. I just don't want you to think that I'm just complaining. I am tired of feeling this way but I can handle it for a little while longer. I read this morning while awaiting my shot that one cancer survivor wrote: Cancer is a blessing because it teaches us to savor moments in our lives that we may otherwise take for granted.
I say - well said. Sometimes we have to go through these types of things to make us slow down and enjoy life also. I hope I can keep this feeling because right now I am so happy to be alive and want to spend time with family and friends and make those moments special.
Life is good, folks.

Hot Damn, I feel good!

I cannot even begin to tell you how much the weather influences my moods. And chemo getting out of my system helps also - go figure. It has been warm and sunny here most of the week and since I am getting my feet back underneath me I feel so good. This is the time that I have to be careful because those white blood counts can be low and I'd never know it. That's one of the many things about chemo that is so unfair. You start feeling good and then they hit you again with one thing or another. But guess what?! This time, after my last Neupogen shot, they will not hit me with it again! And then I can start on my way to putting all of this behind me!
Damn, I feel good! Cheers! Here's to a great weekend and the start of better things!!!

Day 6 of Treatment 4

Its Wednesday and I am back at work today. I am feeling OK - of course, tired goes without saying, achy also, kinda "woozy" or lightheaded, and very sleepy. I will take it all with the knowledge that I don't have to go back for any more chemo! I have Neupogen shots next week - doc says since I've had them in the past that it is highly likely that I will have them in the future also. So that's next week. Boohiss!
So now I start radiation in a couple of weeks. I hear that it is very easy compared to the chemo. I sure hope so.
I don't have much to blog about today but wanted all to know that I am getting better with each passing day. I have started worrying about recurrences of BC but I am praying that this won't happen. Can't spend all my days worrying over it anyway.
Hope all has a very good week - spring is on the way!
Cheers!

Friday, March 3, 2008...........My LAST CHEMO!!

Today I took my last chemo. Today was the last day they got to pour poison in my veins. Today is the last time I sit for 2 1/2 hours in "the Chair" - interesting how loads of people understand "the Chair." Today is the last time I have to see the Onc. nurses - much as I loved them I am glad to not have to see them anymore. Today is the last time I have to see Dr. Huffman - at least for three months. Its the last time I have to dread the fatigue that will hit in two days and last three. Last time for Neupogen shots and bone pain two days later.
There are really no good words to describe how I feel at this moment. I'll try - blessed, blissful, cheerful, chipper, content, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, perky, pleased, satisfied, sunny, thrilled, upbeat - thanks to Thesaurus.com.
I am sitting here feeling like I can conquer the world! I feel vindicated because chemo didn't beat me. I had some better moments than others but overall I have been so blessed that I didn't have alot of the issues that I could have. And I took it. I didn't roll over but I stood up and every time I got beat down (and I still have a couple of those days to go so stay tuned) then I stood up again. I found out that I am way stronger than I thought. I want to live! I asked my husband the other night, "If you aren't going to LIVE now when are you going to live?" And I need to remember that also. My priorities have changed. How I think about alot of things has changed.
I am very glad that this day has come. I give all credit to my God, my husband, my family and friends. They helped me be strong. They brought me through. Thank you to all!

A walk in the park

Today I woke up and felt achy (what's new?) and my head hurt but I came to work anyway. Believe me I wanted to go home. I took some anti-nausea meds and some headache meds and within a couple of hours felt a little better so decided to stay. It was 75 degrees here today and even though it wasn't sunny it was still warm enough to get outside. So I decided to go walk in the park that is near my office. I haven't really felt like doing much walking but knew that if I could ever get started then I would feel better. Walking the stairs makes me winded now. Doing any little exertion is like working out times ten now. So I started walking and my back was hurting so bad and I noticed that my ankles were swollen. My bones were aching so bad that I felt like I was walking funny. But I kept going. I wasn't breaking any land speed records by any means but I was walking. And I forgot how much I love it. The river is down by the park and I was walking outside alot until my father died last year and the weather turned colder. It clears my head and today there was a nice breeze and it was just great. And then it started to rain......and I was where there was no shelter. I mean the first day I had even FELT like getting outside and it rains on me! How's that for feeling like the world is taking a crap on ya? Not really but it wasn't fun. So I started back to the office and by the time I reached an awning the rain was stopping. Just a short shower.....and we need the rain - don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the rain. I would have really been thankful if I could have been watching it through a window while inside! Anyway, I had to laugh. What a comedy of errors my life has become. Its almost comical. I almost always enter contests all the time because I figure that SOMEONE has to win, right? Well, suffice to say that it ain't me that's winning! But I am blessed and that's what I have to focus on. Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug! Lately I am "squashed!"

A good week

As many of you know I have no children of my own. That was by choice. I just never wanted to have children. So, when I married Tom I inherited a son, Brandon. When I met Tom Brandon was only 33 months old. By the time we decided that Brandon should come live with us he was 5 years old and Tom and I were married. I had not really planned on being a parent and to be quite honest, I wasn't very good at it. And it was difficult at times but we all managed to work through it. Tomorrow, Brandon will be 21. Wow!! Time is flying by me like I'm standing still! And Tom and I both had high hopes for Brandon and his life. Things haven't turned out quite like we had hoped. But we realize that Brandon has his life and we cannot make him be what we want. We have to let him grow up and hope that he lives through the growing process.
Anyway, made Brandon a cake today and bought him new tires for his car for his birthday. I wasn't so smart at his age and I managed to live through it. I only hope that he does the same. I pray that he will learn quickly but not the hard way.
I am feeling very good - just don't have much energy. I tire easily and that makes me feel bad but the energy will comes back - I just know it. This Friday is my last treatment and I am so glad!
I am ready to begin my life again. Its amazing how my priorities have changed and also my thought processes. I will most likely never think the same way again. Maybe that's a good thing.

Friday and Leap Year day!

I heard on the radio someone said, "Last year today was actually tomorrow!" And it really was! Since it was 2/29 we had to get into a conversation about those folks who were born on 2/29 and how they celebrate their birthday. It would be really nice to be able to say, "oh, I'm only 11!" Oh well, women are supposed to lie about their age anyway!
Feeling pretty good today. Spirits are up and energy is coming back. I even walked a little outside today 'cause it was so pretty outdoors. Headed into my good week so am looking forward to it! Hubby and I are planning a celebration next Friday after my last treatment before it knocks me down. He has been so good to me!
Anyway, wanted to say that I've been down and back up and down again. The roller coaster ride is almost over and I sure am glad! Thanks for listening to my rantings! Cheers and Happy weekend!

Blogging in my head

I spent the day at home today - 1/2 in the bed and the other 1/2 trying to get connected to my office so that I can do work from home. We are almost there. I can connect to the office from my desktop but not from the laptop (wirelessly). And since when I am at home I am usually in need of staying in the bed then working from the desktop is not ideal. But we will get there. Right about the time that I am done with all this craziness. HA!
When something happens to me during the chemo side effects and I decide that I want to write about it I actually begin by writing it in my head. So here's what I blogged, in my head, at around 2:30AM this morning while I was waiting on another pain pill to work.
On Tuesday night as soon as I got home I had to take a Darvocet. The bone pain had kicked in and was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And about 45 minutes after taking the 1st Darvocet I had to take another. So I was pretty much a vegetable during the evening and sat on the couch and watched TV. I was getting ready to go to bed and Tom and Brandon were discussing the cell phone bill and I was trying to interject a comment and kept getting interrupted. So, needless to say, I got angry and hollered (that's Southern for yelled) at them and told them to "SHUT UP!" They just kind of looked at me and I apologized but continued saying what I had tried to say and then walked in our bedroom and slammed the door. I am a door slammer from way back. Anyway, as soon as I did that I went in our bathroom and I sat down and I cried. And I don't mean that I teared up - I mean I cried. I sobbed. I boo-hoo'd. I wept. I bawled. I wailed. I sniveled. And I hate to cry. I try to keep from crying because it makes my face puff up and my eyes swell and my nose run and gives me an awful headache. I mean I tear up but I don't cry. That changed last night.
I cried for hollering at Tom and Brandon because they don't deserve that. I cried because I feel so bad. I cried because I ache all over and I am so tired. I cried because I am bald and have put on weight and I just look awful to myself and feel like I look awful to others. I cried because my father died a few months ago and I miss him and never really got to grieve for him. I cried because I know that my mom is so lonely because she had lived with my father for almost 50 years. I cried because Tom's brother Paul died and I miss him and I know that others miss him also. I cried because I cannot imagine what his family must be going thru without him. I cried for everything that I hadn't cried about in forever. I walked out into the living room and apologized to Tom (after weeping in the bathroom for about 20 minutes) and he held me and let me cry some more. Then he took me into the bedroom and let me lie down and he sat with me while I cried some more. He said he had not seen me cry like that in a very long time. In fact, neither one of us can even remember the last time I cried like that. The only thing I know is that it has been a very long time since I cried in that way. And I think I could have continued crying but I made myself stop. We talked and he reminded me, AGAIN, that things are almost over.
I'm not sure how I feel now about having cried so much. I'm sure that it is very cathartic to get those emotions out from time to time and that I should feel better now. I'm just not sure that I do. Mostly I feel like I should be stronger than that. But I must have needed it. Otherwise I doubt that I would have wept like that. And let me tell you......I wept.

The pain is arriving.....

Neupogen sucks! I hate it. I mean its not like I love chemo or anything but those Neupogen shots are the worst! As I have mentioned they stimulate bone marrow production and because of that the bones ache. I have it worst in my back. It's like I would imagine that back spams would be - I can only imagine back spams because I have never had them. If you've been reading the blog the entire time then you know that the 1st round of chemo, when they gave me Neupogen shots, the shots put me in the bed for 2 days. And then the 2nd round I only ended up in the bed for 1 day. I am hoping for NO days this time! But if the pain continues like it has this afternoon then I will be in the bed tomorrow. At least, maybe, I can work a little from home if that is the case. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best.
This morning on the Morning show they discussed a person who had written a book about people and summing up one's life in 6 words. So I started thinking about it and even asked others to consider how they would sum their own lives up in 6 words. Ernest Hemingway was once challenged in a bar to write a story in only six words, a novel that would tell the whole story, and he wrote, 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' " Here's what I came up with for my own life - "Life happened: strenuous, challenging, educational, surreal". I think if you had asked me 6 months ago my response would have been different. And as my mom says that hers is even different, now that she is in the Winter of her life, than it would have been previously in her life. But all you can do is sum up your life as it is, or has been, up to now. Its just something interesting to consider. And its not as easy as you might think. Food for your thoughts today.

Chemo and weight

When I first found out about the cancer and I started researching all the parts and pieces of treatment I discovered that alot of women going through chemo will GAIN weight. How could that happen, I wondered? Talk about insult to injury! And as I have discovered.....this awful fact is very true. And I read on the message boards that the onc. nurses encourage the women going thru chemo to eat and eat alot! No problem there since we have to try to find things that taste OK as our taste buds are weirded out due to the chemo!!
I am an emotional eater - always have been - and when something life-altering happens to me I find that I either eat everything in sight or I stop eating altogether. Unfortunately for me, most of the time, I eat everything in sight. But, back in college when my 1st grandmother died I found that I just stopped eating. In my sadness I just couldn't find the strength to even eat. Too bad this feeling didn't stay with me!
Last January (2007) I decided that I needed to lose weight and started exercising (more) and eating better. And within about 5 months I had lost 24 pounds. And I felt great! And I looked better than I had in a while. And I still worked at maintaining that and had planned to continue to maintain - even though I really wanted to lose more weight. And then my father died. And I found comfort in food during that period and put on a couple of pounds. Oh well, I thought, its only a couple......I'll be more diligent. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the eating began. Now I have put over 1/2 of that weight back on and am feeling more than a little disgusted at it. Not only do I feel unattractive because I have no hair but now I have put on the extra weight and that is NOT helping the situation. I am in a vicious cycle now - feel bad because I look bad so I eat and then I feel bad because I have put on weight which makes me look and feel bad and so on and so on. Now you see my problem. I know, I know.....this will be over soon and I can get back to exercising like I want and eating better and can take that weight off again - I hope. The older I get the harder it is to do.
I went to have my white blood counts done today and they were the lowest they have ever been. So.....you guessed it........another Neupogen shot. I was so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.....Tom shaved my head again last night. It is growing but growing in patches - he even said, "It's growing on the left side but hardly any on the right side." So, until it can grow uniformly I will continue to shave it - or have Tom shave it for me. To be quite honest with you it feels so good when its freshly shaved. I know that's weird but its true.
So, I'll let you know how the Neupogen shots affect me this time. Hopefully, they won't bother me at all. That's what I am praying for anyway! And I'd appreciate all your positive energy sent my way also!!! Thank you!!

Somebody SLAP ME!!!

Do you guys remember the movie "Airplane"? Do you remember in that movie when the lady on the plane was "losing it" and everyone started lining up to slap her? Y'all need to do that to me! I'm sure that I have said this before but when I feel bad, physically, then it depresses me and I am way more "down". After each treatment I feel bad, I come here and y'all serve me cheese with my WHINE and then I begin to feel better and I get back up and fight. Well here we are again at that point. I always feel a little guilty and more than a little ashamed when I WHINE about my plight (there's always someone worse off than I) once I begin to feel better. But while I'm in the middle of it, "whiny" is completely how I feel. Please bear with me when I am in this state. I am now coming out of it. And then I go on Mondays (approximately 10 days after my treatment) and they draw blood and check those white blood counts and give me a shot that makes me feel bad again and then I am depressed again and then........ AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! It is such a vicious cycle! Please hang in there with me as I only have 1 more round to go! I appreciate your patience with me during this time.
I have determined thru my side effects, and reading about the side effects of others, that a person going thru chemo is only supposed to have 1 good week during each round. And that is the week right before the next round. That is the week when your bone marrow starts growing and the white blood counts go back up to normal. And then they hit you again. Boo Hiss!!!
Really the only thing that is bothering me at this time is the yucky mouth. I can't describe it other than to say that it feels like I have fuzz in my mouth. I drink liquids and yet my mouth feels dry even while drinking. It feels like my tongue is swollen and when I look at it there is a white film on it. And it feels like my breath really stinks so I am super-conscious about it. It is actually pretty gross. But when I think about some of the things that other women on the board describe I feel blessed that I have this little issue. "I am not minimizing, Lynne!" I just know that things could be loads worse.
I know y'all think I'm sczhophrenic, don't you? Who said that?
So I am nearing the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and can see the light. Tom and I discussed this last night and he says that next year at this time all of this will be a distant memory. I sure hope so. I don't have a very good memory and this is one that I would LOVE to forget!
Cheers to all and here's hoping your weekends are wonderful!

Wednesday after Round 3

I am back at work but still don't feel well. Nausea comes and goes but the aches are here to stay it seems. My body just aches all the time now. The aches have been much worse this time than last. Each round has been a little different.
I feel awful. I look awful. I am blue.
It will pass. I'm ready for it to pass.

Tuesday and a little better

Its Tuesday and I am up and feeling a little better. Last night I had a slight fever (99.8) and we had to watch because if it gets to 100.4 you are supposed to either go to the doctor or to the hospital. Never went any higher than that though so I am OK. Was very achy so took some pain pills and slept alot in the past few days. And still feel like I could sleep again. Actually did some work from home today - nothing too strenuous - installing software - so was actually a little bit productive. It took everything I had to get out of bed this morning though. Tom was upset with me yesterday because I stayed in bed all day but I just didn't want to get up. And I still didn't want to get up today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am feeling more depressed the further into this that I go. And that's kind of stupid because I am 3/4 done with chemo! You would have thought I would have been more depressed at the beginning, right? I think I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I ache, I'm sore, food doesn't taste right, the inside of my mouth tastes awful, I'm out of breath........I'm sad. I just want all of this to be over so I can get back to living! Right now I feel as though I am merely existing. I don't like feeling this way.
I am so tired.

Round 3

Its Monday and I am lying here in the bed. Did pretty well on Friday and Saturday, as per usual, and then Sunday slept most of the day and today has been the worst. My body aches and I am so sleepy and tired. Side effects are following the same path, though, so tomorrow I should begin coming out of it. Brandon is sick and so is one of my dogs so I'm just hoping that I don't get it. I'm hoping that the aching bones are just the chemo killing the fast growing cells. It would be really bad to get the flu right now - or even a cold, according to the Onc. nurses!
Anyway, sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I think the longer this thing goes on the more tired I am and the more "down" I feel. In another month I will be so close to being done with all chemo has to offer so I am in the short rows now. I just have to keep remembering that. I can safely say that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, I'll try to be more interesting in the days to come. Here's hoping that I can hang in there for a little while longer!

Hairless Head

As most of you know, or have seen, I am bald. I have mostly embraced being bald - I didn't wait for my hair to fall out totally - we went ahead and shaved my head before that happened - and for the most part I am OK with it. I have, however, decided to wear hats, scarves ar a wig to work and to the store, etc. I walk around bald at home some but even there I tend to wear a hat. And I know I have mentioned before that I am very vain. I saw Robin Roberts from Good Morning America walk down the runway in a red dress and a bald head and I applauded her courage! I read on the message boards about women who go totally bald everywhere and I am amazed. I thought, maybe, I could do that also. But I have yet to do it. For one thing, I see a bald head as “a billboard that shouts ‘I have cancer,’” which, of course, is true. And the pity looks that I get are a bit much to take sometimes. And it makes others uncomfortable. Is that really why? Or am I just afraid that people will think I am "less attractive" than I used to be? Maybe they won't like me anymore because I don't have hair? What am I so afraid of?
Baldness is surprisingly liberating. And I found that the reality of being bald was not nearly as bad as the anticipation of being bald - I mean it feels great! But where is the courage to show it? If its OK to be bald then why do I have so much trouble walking around with it in your face, so to speak? The hot flashes make me want to remove me head covering and the people that work most close to me have seen my bald head and they don't care. But I will not walk from building to building or even department to dept. without covering my head! A woman in the break room today asked me why I don't just leave the hat behind and go bald? She saw me tugging at the hat (I was probably having another hot flash and was sweating to death) and said that she thought if she were going thru "it" then she would most likely go bald. But then she said, "But then you never know for sure until you go through it." My husband's nephew spent the night at our house last night and I was concerned that he would see me bald walking around my own house? What is wrong with me? Why do I not have the courage? Where can I pick some up? I struggle with this every time I look in the mirror.
I told my friends when I found out that I would lose my hair that I didn't think it would bother me. I lied but I didn't know that I was lying until recently. I never knew that when I look in the mirror at my bald head that it would bother me as much as it does now. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary. And then I see people whose hair is so gorgeous and I just want some hair back!! Any hair on my head would be a blessing.
OK, enough. I'm OK. I just had to get that off my chest! It will grow back and be better than before! I have to believe that!
Thanks for listening. And its OK if you don't know what to say. Speak to me from your heart but don't inundate me with platitudes about hair and how great I look without it. I know the truth. Just laugh at it with me. Because if I don't laugh I may cry.

Never, Never, Never say it!

I am a sports fan - huge sports fan (fanatic actually) - and I know that in baseball when a man is pitching a no hitter that you NEVER say, "He's pitching a NO HITTER!!" because as soon as you say it "WHACK" - out of the park the ball goes or even just a hit is sure to occur. So, my point is that I should have NEVER said anything about being able to sleep well. Last night I didn't sleep worth a darn! Woke up very hour on the hour - it seemed - and when I did manage to sleep I had the most bizarre dreams!!! I kept dreaming about trying on dresses? I just couldn't find the right one! And I don't even wear dresses!!! So weird!!
Well guys I feel pretty good - just in time for Poisoning #3! But it will mean that I will be 3/4 thru chemo and one more step closer to the end of April when chemo and rads will be done!!! I have 35 days of rads, if I remember correctly, but the radiologist says that they are short visits - about 30 minutes a day for 35 days, and fatigue is the only side effect. For that I will be thankful.
Anyway, not much to say today other than thank you all for your cards and letters and emails and cookies and WOW - I had no idea that so many folks cared or that I was so popular! I am so grateful that so many of you take time out of your day to even think of me. I know everyone has their own "stuff to worry about" without having to "worry" about me too. But I thank you for doing so. It helps me very much!
The end of this madness is in sight!!!

A Good Week

This is my week before my 3rd treatment (WooHoo!!) on Friday. This is the week when I feel the best of all of them. I had an OK weekend - other than a stomach thing that I won't bother you with - and even managed to get some of my house cleaned. My husband did most of it even though he had dog trials all weekend. Isn't he great!? He's the best wife a woman could have! I find that I get fatigued so easily now. I used to be able to clean the bathroom all at once. But Sunday I had to clean the tub and take a break. Then the toilet and take a break. Then the sinks and take a break. It was ridiculous!
So I went to lunch on Saturday with my good friend, Lynne, and she told me that I looked good. And I expect that she would tell me the truth. But when I look in the mirror I DO NOT look like Wendy. And it's not just the missing hair. It seems that my eyes are baggier (is that even a word?) and my skin is yucky looking. I look very tired. And I really sleep pretty good. The ladies on the message boards complain about not being able to sleep but I truly have had litle issues with sleeping. But back to the way I look. And please don't think that I am saying this so that people will tell me "you look great!" I am writing this because it is how I feel. I am writing this entire blog because I have to have a place to get these feelings out or I'll go nuts!
I look terrible! I'm not Wendy anymore. I know I am no beauty queen anyway but I always thought that I was at least average looking. Now you could throw me in a pond and skim ugly for a week!!! And I know its because I'm sick. I look older also. And I really didn't need any help there. Every year that goes by the wrinkles become more prominent! I hate wrinkles!!! And yes, I am extremely vain! I know it. It is one, of many, of my bad personality traits. I find myself not meeting the eyes of people when I am out and about now. I keep my head up but I look past people - I think maybe because I don't like to see the pity in their eyes. Or the shock at no hair. What's kind of funny to me though is when I see someone and they talk to me like nothing is different and you know they are thinking, "She's bald! Wonder why she's bald?" But yet they keep on talking like nothing is wrong. And I know they just don't know what to say. But I'd really rather them say - "Hey, What's up with you?" So there it is - I am increasingly depressed about the way I look. But its OK. I won't look this way forever.
So this Thusday is Valentine's Day. When you've been married a long time you tend to take each other for granted and not do the romantic things as much as you used to. So, it was funny when I asked my husband if we could go to Ichiban (for those that don't know this is a Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and you sit at a table with loads more folks - no privacy) and he said sure! And we even discussed who we could invite to join us! But sometimes its kind of nice to go out with other folks, even on VD, because if you go out alone you end up talking about the kids, or money issues, or something very unromantic anyway. So, we will be at Ichiban if anyone wants to join us! We figure the more the merrier!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent again. Hopefully, it won't be as boring in a few days. I'm guessing that there are loads more Blog posts that are more interesting than this one. But actually I'm very glad its boring sometimes. That just means that my cancer is not getting the best of me - even though its seems like it sometimes! I will WIN in the end - Lord willing and the creek don't rise!

Day 15 of 2nd round

Its Saturday and I feel pretty good except my tummy is not happy today for some reason. Other than running to the bathroom I am doing well. Nausea hit me again this morning - strange that it is so much worse this time?! Hot flashes are frequent and annoying. Shaved head and legs this morning - head was getting some new growth in some spots so just evened it out. Legs had been let go, as I mentioned before, but I decided I would go ahead and do my husband a favor - Valentine's Day is around the corner after all - and get smooth legs. I noticed that the hair on my legs above the knee was gone but below the knee it is hanging on.
The doc and I talked about changing my schedule to Thursday but realized that this Thursday is VD so we decided to leave it as is. I should feel good enough to do VD - even though most of you who know me know that I think VD is a day created by Hallmark, Florists, and chocolatiers to sell those items. I usually ask for a Goo Goo Cluster and that is all I want. I'm watching Rachel Ray right now and getting some ideas of things maybe I can cook on VD instead of going out. Although Ichiban sounds really good. Tom and I don't go out to eat much anymore since we got our dogs. We would rather go get something and bring it home and hang out with our dogs. Since Brandon is grown our babies are our dogs. I just love them. And I think I will tell you about them since I don't have any side effects to complain about right now. Read on if you are interested - otherwise come back sometime next week when I have round 3!
We have two dogs and they are pure bred Vizslas. They are Hungarian bird dogs - short haired rust red. They are a smaller red version of a Wiemeraner (sp?). Vizslas have red noses, red toenails and golden eyes. They are beautiful. Look them up on AKC.org. They are excitable dogs and have to have lots of exercise. But they are very loving and are sometimes called Velcro dogs because they have to be with a human at all times. They hate to be left alone. Take it from me - we got one (our male, Jax, is 2 1/2 years old) and he ate our furniture! So we got another - our female, Reese (1 year old on 2/19) and he calmed down. Of course, Reese is our devil dog. You've heard people say,"if my 2nd child had been my first they would have been my only child." That's the way Tom and I feel about Reese. In fact, we named her with AKC C.B. Deville which lovingly stands for Crazy B!+ch Devil! She is a handful! But they are so great. We love them lots and take them everywhere we go, if possible. They travel very well and have been loads of places. In fact, we look for places we can go on vacation where we can take them. When we went on our cruise we both missed them terribly. What would we do without our babies!?
Anyway, I hadn't blogged anything in a few days so I thought I'd let everyone know I am doing well. I am back up and fighting again - Pity Party is over and I am blessed to begin feeling strong again! If I could just get rid of the nausea then I would be perfect! Oh well, this too shall pass also.
Hope all has/had a great weekend!
Cheers!

Pity Party for one

Yesterday in the breakroom at work a lovely young lady told me she was proud of how I am handling this cancer and how I seem to always be upbeat. I told her that she should know that I have my moments - down when I don't feel like getting back up - everyone knows those moments. Well, I had one last night. I had a Pity Party for one. I had been so glad that the Neupogen shot hadn't given me the pain as bad as last time and was able to manage it with Tylenol. But as the day wore on and I kept taking more and more Tylenol I realized that the pain was worsening. By the time I got home I had to take a Darvocet. About 1 1/2 hours later I took another and by the time I went to bed at around 10pm I took another. And then another at 2AM and at 6AM when I finally got out of bed I decided to see if the 3 Tylenol would do it. I took them and went on to the lab, got blood drawn and then waited to see if I needed another shot. Fortunately, no more shots were needed but I came back home and took another Darvocet. I am now in bed and in pain. This sucks. So last night when the pain started ramping up and I lay in the bed trying to sleep and waiting on the pain pill to work I had a pity party. I even teared up which I haven't done but twice since this whole thing started. And Tom was there to talk me thru it and tell me that I am 1/2 done and in a year this will be a distant memory. I am telling you this because I want all of you who see me everyday putting on a brave face to know that I still am human. There's nothing special about me or my attitude. I am doing what any one of you would do when faced with something of this magnitude - I am doing the best I can. And sometimes my best is better than other times. But encouraging words and smiles really do help me. So keep them coming.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.