2007: The worst year of my life

WOW! Has this been a year! Actually, the last few months have been the worst. I just keep reminding myself that no matter how bad I have it someone else has it worse. My father had a stroke in April - just before my birthday - and he never fully recovered. He died in September. Six weeks after he died I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Six weeks after that my brother-in-law (truly the only brother I have ever had) died suddenly on Christmas Eve.

And now chemo begins. Worried over that decision for a while and finally made it. Hope it was the right decision but then how do you know? Do you let chemo or the cancer kill you? I would have chosen to not have chemo but the cancer is very aggressive and I'm still pretty young - only 44! So now against my mother and sister's wishes I will have chemo. And it will most likely kill me. It is poison and I am actually taking it! How stupid am I?

So it is as it is. I have cancer and have actually taken that news better than most. I never fell apart and only cried, briefly, once. I have felt overwhelmed but still strong. I have faith that God will take care of me - however long or short my time will be. I had promised myself that if I ever got cancer than I would never (NEVER) have chemo and yet I am getting ready to start it in three days. Why did I change my mind? Fear - pure and simple - FEAR. But my brain tells me that I have a better chance of dying on my drive to work than I do of dying from this cancer. I mean they caught it early and said that they got it all and it hadn't moved from the breast so why am I afraid? There is this little guy (not sure why its a guy and not a woman) with this tiny silver hammer banging my head in the back left corner (why there, you ask?) telling me that the cancer will return if I don't do this. He will not stop banging that little hammer. My head hurts from all the decisions. And boy is there loads of stuff "out there" on cancer and alternative things to try and that chemo is actually the big drug companies and the FDA keeping cancer as an epidemic so they can get rich(er)! What to believe and what to find as "hooey"? Its too much to assimilate!

And then, after the decision had been made, my brother-in-law dies suddenly at the age of 51! He was never sick! So you can do everything right and still die suddenly! Or you can go through all this stuff and die slowly! Either way you will die! So, is it worth it to go through chemo?

I am so confused and that damn hammer will NOT STOP!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent. It might not matter to you but it matters to me.