Life is funny......

I am back at work today and feeling OK. I have dizzy spells from time to time but they never last more than a moment and are not all that bad. My mouth feels awful and tastes awful and if I breathe on you and it stinks then I apologize for the dragon breath. I think I have a small case of "thrush" mouth so I guess I will try the magic mouthwash to see if it will help. Other than that I am doing pretty well. I go back on Monday and hope that the white blood cells won't be too low. If they are borderline then I believe I talked the doc into letting my body try to do its thing. If they are way low then I will have no choice but to take the shot as infection could be bad. The Onc nurse told me the other day that a cold in an oncology patient could quickly turn into pneumonia! Wow, I never knew. So another day is gone and soon it will be time for another treatment and then another and then I will be done!! Woohooo!!!
I love to watch people. It is one of my most favorite things to do. I studied psychology in college and grad school and I find people fascinating! They are so complex in their simplicity! Or simplistic in their complexity - whichever way you prefer! If you've never watched people then go to a mall, or the airport, or any large venue where you can just sit and watch people. And not to make fun of them but to just watch them in their day to day. Highly entertaining!
Basic needs aside we as humans can be quite interesting. And frustrating. I guess I never thought that when I was diagnosed with cancer that some folks would act so different toward me and others would just take it in stride and treat me exactly the same. I never thought that some people would be so sure that they knew what was best for me even though they had never gone through what I am facing. Its funny how well meaning some people are and how they think that they are helping when actually they aren't helping at all. No one knows how one will feel until they are faced with the unknown. You've heard about walking in another one's shoes. Never has it ever been so true to me more than it is now. I remember that when I first told my brother-in-law's wife that I had cancer her reaction was, "Oh well, that's really nothing to worry about anymore. They cure 99% of those now, don't they?" I just smiled and went along with it and then moved on. But it amazed me that she actually could say that to me. She presumed to know what it was like to have cancer and yet never has. I wanted to tell her, "Take a walk in my shoes."
And some things I have read that people say to others with cancer - "How's that cancer coming?" Amazing. Now I know its very kind for people to try to "Pep" us (this is the royal cancer "us", I guess) up and make us feel as though the road is doable and will be over before we know it. And I must say that I do really appreciate when people give me those pep talks because I do need them from time to time. But sometimes its OK to say nothing at all. Sometimes its OK to say, "I don't know what to say to you. I feel for you and what you are going through but I don't know what to say."
And people should not presume to know what's best for me and my body. This was my decision. It wasn't even my husband's decision although I did listen to him and took what he said into consideration. But ultimately the decision was ALL MINE. And right or wrong I am living with it. And I know that people that love me don't like to see me suffer. And trust me, I ain't all that happy about suffering either. But it is my life and my decision and I just don't want people to presume to know what's best for me until those same people take a walk in my shoes.

Completely Bald

I am now completely bald. And it looks very strange. Oh well.
I am so tired today. So incredibly tired. I was tired yesterday but today is worse. In addition to having the LEAD in my bones I can't seem to wake up. I slept from 10PM Sunday night until 10:30AM on Monday morning. Got up and moved to the couch for a couple of hours and then back in the bed and back to sleep. I just woke up again and Tom made me eat something and he opened the blinds so I could see the sunshine. And all I really want to do is go back to sleep. It seems like the symptoms came even later this time. I have been taking more anti-nausea meds this time also - some needed and some just taken as prevention to what I know is coming. The metallic taste has subsided so I can taste my food. Haven't really eaten that much but am at least trying to eat stuff that's good for me.
Not really much to tell. Not sure I will make it to work tomorrow either but am going to wait until the morning to determine that. I'm sorry that this blog has become boring. I am so tired and being tired has made my attitude slip a bit. I promise to get back up and fight again. I just need a little break for now.
Cheers to all of you.

Something I forgot to say

I tried before to explain hot flashes and I did NOT do a very good job. But I did realize later that all I had to say was "If your eyelids sweat then you are having a hot flash."
And another thing - Its Saturday at about 7:30PM and I am feeling OK. Today was OK - I had a little more nausea today than last time and I took some anti-nausea meds and they made me sleepy. A two hour nap on the couch was in order and done. And now I wait for the LEAD to set in. I talked Tom into shaving my head (totally) tomorrow. I am almost bald in most spots anyway. And the hair hurts my scalp so we will get rid of it all. Its OK. But weird that I haven't lost any hair any where else. My legs still have hair on them - I keep hoping it will fall out but not yet - and my face and various spots on the body still have hair. At least I haven't lost my eyebrows and eyelashes yet. Its all a waiting game.
And I have nothing else to say.......go figure.

TWO DOWN AND TWO TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Went this morning at 8AM and they didn't have the lab orders so had to go to the doctor's office - across the hall - and get the orders and then go back to the lab and wait. By the time I had blood drawn and made it back to the doctor's office it was 8:50AM and there I sat until 9:20AM and then she took me back and took blood pressure (which BTW was excellent and for me that's good!) and temperature and then I waited. A lady came in and talked to me about a study for anti-nausea meds that I can participate in if I want. Told her I would discuss it with my husband and then she left and I waited. Doc came in about 10:20AM and by the time he and I talked and went through everything that happened to me during the 1st round and then I went to the "chair" it was 10:45AM. And it was 12:45PM before they unhooked me and set me FREE! So it took longer than I thought but it went well. Had to get stuck twice, again, but it is OK. Not that much more to go. WOW! There were tons of run-on sentences in that paragraph. I'm so sorry, Ms. Brookbank (HS English).
And then I went to work. Felt OK and will probably feel OK tomorrow - at least for most of the day. I will do as much as I can until the LEAD comes into my bones. And then its movie and couch time.
So my husband used to and I still do work in what we lovingly refer to as "Cube Land". This is a place where there is nothing but cubicles as far as the eye can see. In cube land there is no privacy (phone or otherwise) and if you try to whisper then folks strain even harder to hear! Therefore, all your "bidness" is out there for all to hear and see. So, when nature comes to call in the form of "bad air" one has no choice but share with everyone or take what we refer to as the "cube land fart walk". Or if I MUST be politically correct - the Cube Land Flatulence Walk. Anyone who lives in cube land and says that they have never done this is a BIG FAT LIAR!!! You have to get up and walk out otherwise everyone will know that SOMEONE did the deed and people start looking at each other funny and its just not good! So now you know what we in cube land do when the air is too much to bear! And since chemo messes with my stomach pretty badly I feel the need to do this more often than usual. That chemo does BAD things, man, BAD things!
Will post with how I am feeling this weekend. Hope if goes better than last time. Cheers to all!

Thank you so much!

The thoughts, prayers, cards and well wishes have been overwhelming! I never knew so many people cared about me and my plight. But I cannot say thank you enough for everything that so many people have done for us. We are doing pretty well and after tomorrow I will be 1/2 done with chemo!!!!
And, wow, I never knew I had so many people reading my blog. It sure has expanded from the few folks that I first told about it. I am finding it hard to believe that so many people would even be interested in anything I have to say. This has been a very good place for me to get out my thoughts and fears and not feel guilty about them. It is important when a person is going thru any life altering event to have a venue to speak openly about how they feel about what is happening to them. It has been a God-send for me to have a place such as this. And as much as I HATE that I got this awful disease it has opened my eyes in ways I cannot express. Especially finding out that so many people CARE.
So, thank you again, so very much! It has meant more to me that I can say.
Coming soon: Cube land and the (politically correct) flatulence walk and whatever happens after my next treatment tomorrow. Hopefully no more passing out, busted lips and black eyes!

I did it.......with Tom's help!

I now look like Demi Moore in GI Jane - minus the six pack abs and various other muscles that she displayed in the movie. Tom shaved my hair off for me last night. I sat in the middle of the floor on a sheet and he said, "Are you sure?" And I replied "Yes" and he went to town. It looks and feels kinda cool, actually. I found it "freeing". I also found out after he got done that it had hurt his feelings to do that. But we laughed about it anyway. He said he liked it and that it looked pretty good. I doubt I will wear it that way because people tend to stare and it makes them uncomfortable. Tom says that is their problem and I shouldn't worry about that. I think I will find out how to tie scarves and wear them sometimes.
Anyway, I am feeling pretty good. Just in time to get "hit" again. Oh well. Wish me better luck with my 2nd round!
Hugs to all!

Snow, or lack thereof, and Hair

Today is MLK Jr. day so I, as a government employee, am off of work. This past weekend it was supposed to snow. I love snow and was really looking forward to the 2-4 inches that they were telling us we would get. I waited and waited and it finally started snowing. And then it stopped and we got "nut'in"! They really screwed that one up! My first clue should have been that when we went to the grocery store there was plenty of bread and milk! So no way would it snow!
My hair has started falling out. My pillow was full of hair this morning and the shower also. I can see the thinning spots and my scalp is very sore. I am having a hard time sleeping because every time I move my scalp hurts and I wake up. I think that I will shave it today. Tom wants me to wait to see if maybe it will just thin and not fall out but seeing little hairs everywhere is getting to be overwhelming. And if it just thins I will still have to wear hats or scarves or my wig so why not go ahead and shave it? I'll let you know what I decide to do.
Next chemo is the 25th! Hope the side effects are not as bad this time!

I'm back!

Back at work today and I'm feeling a little better. I still have hair, for now, although it is very short and I am having a hard time getting used to it. My bones are not as achy as they have been but my head is kind of "funny" - if you know what I mean. Not really dizzy but not altogether right either.
Speaking of hair.........my hair has not started falling out. I have been reading message boards and it usually starts falling out on day 13 or 14. Today is day 13 for me. Its like waiting on the other shoe to drop. I know that not all women lose their hair - about 80% do - but I have a feeling that it might just happen for me. So far most of the things that usually happen have happened for me also. In fact the bone pain from the shot was only supposed to happen in less than 30% of people and I got that. But then most people get a lot of nausea and I have had very little of that. So one never knows.
I have finally gotten the metallic taste that people talk about though. So everything I eat or drink tastes like metal. Maybe I can actually lose weight if nothing tastes good?! I sure hope so!
I know in my blog yesterday I sounded kind of down and I can safely say that I have my moments where I am saddened and scared by what is happening but I know that I can beat it and will give it my all. Laying in the bed doesn't make for a very good attitude but I know that it will all be OK. For those who have seen fit to comment on my rantings - thank you for your kind comments and all the thoughts and prayers. In the famous words or the Terminator - "I'll be back!"

Pain, Hot flashes and Attitude

First, pain............anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge wimp when it comes to pain. I hate pain. At the first sign of a headache I'm popping aspirin faster than you can say headache! I know that I don't have to live with pain so I don't. Yesterday I was in about as much pain as I have ever known. My back hurt so bad it took my breath away. It radiated into my hips and all the way up my spine into my neck. I moaned and groaned and took 1 Darvocet and 1 Hydrocodone and got no relief. Finally Tom got home with my new Darvocet prescription (I think the other was old) and I took 1 and finally got some relief. In the next 1 1/2 hours after that I took another one. I hurt so bad I was sick on my stomach and didn't eat anything until Tom made me something when he got home. This was THE worst thing I have had to deal with so far! Today I am drugged up and am at home again. Can I just say that I HATE THIS!!!!
Next, hot flashes..........pain medication seems to bring these on in full force. For those of you who have never had a hot flash they are mostly inexplicable but I will try. When it comes upon you the entire body flushes from head to toe. Sweat begins to bead on the forehead and the upper lip. The body gets so hot that if it is possible to remove clothing then that is done. If one is lying in the bed under the covers then one immediately throws the covers back and begins gasping for fresh cooler air. It literally feels as though if you do not cool off that your entire body will erupt into flame! I hate them and it seems as though I have more and more every day and every night also. Another lovely thing about this process.
And lastly, attitude..................my boss says "Attitude is everything" and my husband says "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you deal with it." Attitude. So far I think that my attitude has been pretty good. I have not said "Why me?" or cried about my plight. I have taken it in stride and mostly continue to say to myself that no matter how bad I have it someone else has it worse. That puts things into perspective for me. It makes me realize that this is a bump in the road and will be over before I know it. Do you sense a BUT coming? On Monday I wore my wig - not because I needed it but because I wanted to show my peeps at work the new me! And for the first time since this whole thing started I felt sick - not flu sick but sick like this is life altering sick. And since they gave me those Neupogen shots to boost my white blood cell counts I have felt sick. And lying here in the bed while on Darvocet I feel sick. I am sick. I finally realize that I am sick.
Attitude, though, is how I will deal with it.

White cell counts and shots

Having cancer is overwhelming! There is so much to think about and to consider. I went to have blood drawn and then I waited for the results to see if my cell counts (white and red) were OK or if they were in need of a "boost". I was called back by the nurse and told that while my red cell counts were "excellent" my white counts were "borderline low". So she gave me a shot. Didn't hurt going in and so far it hasn't hasn't hurt otherwise. I have heard/read horror stories so I'll wait and see. I think the worst it will do is make me achy and I am used to that feeling already. I told the nurse about my sore throat and what I had been doing for it - just taking aspirin to make the pain go away - and she kind of looked at me like I was an idiot and said that she would tell the doctor and would call me if he decided he wanted to do anything about it. The shot is supposed to boost bone marrow production so that's why it makes the joints hurt. We'll see what happens. Right now its just this sore throat that is making me want to go home and lie down. Mt throat feels swollen and so every time I try to swallow it hurts. Tom looked at it but he said it didn't look like strep so I'll just wait and see. I haven't had any fever so that's a very good thing.
Wore my wig today and it feels so strange. I doubt I will really start wearing it until my hair actually starts coming out. I wore it because I had told everyone at work and I knew they wanted to see it. I just can't seem to get used to looking at myself in the mirror! Its just not me anymore! But its temporary - only temporary.

10 days out

Today is the 10th day out from chemo and this is supposed to be the day where my immune system (white and red blood cell counts) is at its lowest. And I am feeling like it. My throat is sore and I am feeling a little achy. My throat has been sore all week and I realized last night that I should have called and told the doctor this. So since I go on Monday morning for blood count checks I decided to wait. However, my throat is really sore and I feel like I'm getting a cold. No surprising since I spent all yesterday (about 3 hours) trying on wigs that (there's no telling how many people tried them on before) probably carry tons of micro-organisms. More about wig shopping in a moment. And it has gotten colder also. And this is the time of year when I usually get a cold.......hence, I am getting sick.
Wig shopping was a blast! Too much fun! In fact, to all my sister friends - one day when we want to get out and have a "girl's day out" - which btw we don't do enough! - let's go try on wigs!!! It is so much fun. And funny also! I started adding up how much I spend on trying to get my hair looking good all the time (cutting, coloring, etc) and how much wigs are and I think its cheaper to do wigs!!! If you could buy yourself 4 or 5 of them you'd never want to grow your hair back! You could be somebody different all the time!
I found one wig. I wanted to get more but just couldn't see spending that on a wig that I just liked OK. So, I will go back another time - perhaps to another store somewhere - and see if I can find another one. Wigs are not cheap - that's what I found out first. And they are really well made - they "breathe" better now and they feel a lot like real hair. In fact the synthetic hair wigs are better than real human hair wigs. Wash them, towel dry them, leave them on a stand and then shake them and wear them! What could be easier?
And I must say - every chance I get I will talk them up - that the people at Angel Hair in Raleigh are the nicest, sweetest, most professional people I have every had the pleasure of dealing with! They cater to women going through chemo or that have Alopecia and they are so compassionate! I recommend anyone needing a wig to visit them first!
So, I'll blog about the blood counts and how that goes.
Other than wig shopping and a sore throat not that much has happened. Hope all is well with all of you! I found out that I have a bigger audience than I thought so here's to all of you who have helped me and supported me - I love you for it! God will bless you for all you have done for me!

Repeating myself

I have read back through here and realized that I keep repeating myself. CHEMOBRAIN!!! Sorry about that.
Everyone knows when a person has a life changing experience that they re-consider their lives. I am in this process. It is a shame that it takes going through something like cancer to make one re-evaluate what is important but sometimes we are very hard-headed. I know I am.
So I was sitting outside last night, watching my dogs play together, and I started contemplating everything that has happened over the last year. I have been faced with a disease that used to be a death sentence. Thankfully, this is not the case anymore. However, it still has made me take a long look at what I think is important in this life. It has also made me wonder if I can keep this feeling. How does one prevent slipping back into the mundane everyday stuff that bogs us down? How do you keep the feeling that you will remember to "enjoy today as if it is the last day" and not get bogged down into life and all its "stuff"?
When I decided to have chemo I knew that the decision could very well be the end of me. I mean that deliberately putting poison in your body isn't very smart. I know what chemo does and how it can prolong lives but at what cost in the long run? So, I'm talking to my husband (who is seriously one of the smartest people I know - smart about life) and I finally realized that putting chemo in my body is for my peace of mind for today. Because really no one told me that I would have any more time on this earth than today. And actually not even today - but rather right now at this very moment. This moment is all I have. I can hope and wish for more moments but I really only have this moment. So what can I do in this moment to give my life meaning? What can I say - in this moment - that will make someone feel better about themselves and their life? What can I read in this moment that will make me use my brain and leave this earth smarter than I was? Its all so overwhelming!
I have vowed to live my life in a happier way. I have said that I will enjoy something about every day just in case its the last day. Because nobody knows. My brother-in-law didn't know that would be his last day. If he had have known what would he have done differently?
But even more than vowing to enjoy my life every day - how do I retain this feeling when, in five years, the doctor tells me "You're cured! No more cancer!". How do I keep from slipping back into the old ways?
Someone will invariably bring up faith. And I agree. One has to have faith. But just having faith doesn't mean that you will be promised anymore than anyone who doesn't have faith. I have very strong faith but my faith still doesn't guarantee me another moment.
Something to chew on for the day.........

Dreams on drugs

The medicine that they gave me for nausea gives me the most strange dreams. Last night, for example, I dreamed that I was re-arranging my sister, Margie's house in Florida. Except that it wasn't really her house. It was her house in my dream but the house in my dream isn't what her house really looks like. Anyway, Tom and I kept re-arranging things and never could get them to look right. And Margie is fantastic at decorating a house so it didn't even need any re-arranging. Weird. I woke up tired though because I kept moving furniture around all night.
While I am thinking about it......please let me apologize for the comment I made on my short hair and how it makes me either look like a boy or a gay woman. Tom, Mr. PC (Politically Correct), told me that I stereotyped gay women and that all gay women DO NOT, in fact, have short hair. Well, in that case, all boys DO NOT have short hair either. So I stereotyped both groups and I apologize. It was a futile attempt at humor.
Moving on to neuropathy. This is another side effect of the chemo. Neuropathy is when one gets a tingling sensation in one's extremities - i.e., feet and hands. It is very strange feeling and comes and goes. I also have the shakes really bad. It's almost like a junkie who hasn't had his "fix". In my case, my whole body feels "nervous" and jittery. Just another thing to deal with, I guess.
As most of you know I have started wearing hats. For one thing I am not used to my head being so uncovered and my hair is so short that I am very self-conscious about it. And I figure I might as well start getting used to the hats as they will be, most likely, necessary in the coming weeks. The more I talk about wig shopping the more people that want to go with me. I think it will be fun with lots of folks and the wig place actually recommends that you bring several people with you. We are going to Raleigh and make a day of it. I think I will try to buy 2 wigs. And it doesn't matter to me if people know they are wigs or not. In fact, I think its going to be kinda cool to have a new look.
OK, so enough for today. As you can see I have found my voice and for those of you reading this blog you may actually be sorry that you granted me this venue!

It was Tom's fault!

I was dressed and ready to go to work yesterday and Tom called me and asked me to wait one more day. He wanted me to get up and move around and get "my feet underneath me" before going to work. So I am making another attempt today. I will work 1/2 day today and then probably be OK for the rest of the week. That's the plan anyway.
So my neck is really hurt. I guess it happened when I fell - that's the only thing I can figure. But there is better living thru chemistry - believe it!
OK, there is one thing about which I have decided to write. Throughout my life I have learned that I have to be able to laugh at myself. Actually my husband has taught me how to do this. So he and I discussed the following topic and I decided to write about it.
Gas. And I don't mean the kind you put in your car. I mean the kind that clears the room. The kind that the dogs wake up, sniff, sniff and then bury their heads. I mean the kind where you have to get up and leave also. I guess I didn't realize when chemo affects your stomach that it would present this very real problem to me. But it has become a joke around my house. If you have dogs you know that anytime you can blame this "gas" on the dogs that you do so. And since my babies lay on the couch with us I have gotten very proficient at blaming them for my flatulence. But since the chemo they have gotten blamed alot more. And these aren't "SBDs" - silent but deadly" - but rather the loud and smelly ones. So, careful when you visit me in my cubicle. Hopefully, as the days pass the gas will NOT. I know - TMI, Wendy, TMI!

I'm up already!

I am up and had a small breakfast and am now taking the anti-nausea medicine. It seems that it doesn't take long after eating that I have to take them. Its ok - its better than throwing up! I still am very tired but am going to try to get up and go to work in a little while. I will ease back into life. I am considering changing the chemo schedule so that I won't have to miss so much work. Tom went back to work today and he told me to get up and get moving - hence the title to this post! He's right though. The longer I lay there the more I will want to lay there. I need to get up and moving!
Thanks for the calls! My face looks kind of rough but it will heal. Leave it to me to give everyone something else to laugh about!
I know I said I'd post every day but I will probably only post when there is really something to say. Maybe again after we go wig shopping this weekend! Anyway, keep checking back because you never know when I might have something to say. And now that I have a venue - there's no stopping me and my mouth!!!!!

Spoke too soon

Two words - this sucks! As good as I felt on Friday after chemo and even Saturday until late in the evening - that's how BAD I felt on Sunday and today. Saturday night I fell asleep on the couch at about 9:15pm and then moved to the bed around 10PM. I didn't even move until 5AM and then didn't get out of bed and move to the couch until 9:30AM on Sunday. Laid on the couch and watched football all day and then around 4:30pm my husband asked me if I wanted to step outside for a few minutes and watch him with the dogs - he is training the dogs for bird hunting. I went outside for maybe 10 minutes and when I came back in the house I went to the bathroom. As I stood up I passed out and hit my face on the doorframe. I remember thinking "Wow, that hurt!" and then nothing else for a while. I woke up face down on the floor and thought "I should get up" but couldn't so I laid there and then finally I got up and Tom came in the room and found me cleaning up my bloody face. Poor thing! It scared him so bad. About 20 minutes later his mom and oldest sister showed up to check on me and he had them look at me - they are both nurses - and they declared me fine. Banged up but fine.
So today, Monday, I slept until 9AM and then off and on until 12:30pm. I am now on the couch. Lead in my appendages is the only way to describe how I feel. Heavy.......everything is so heavy!
There are other things going on with my body - very little nausea, thank God - and some things that you just don't want to know! Suffice it to say that this sucks but if this is as bad as it gets then I can handle it. I am thinking of it this way - one down and three more to go!

The day after - 1st chemo treatment

So far so good. I had a little trouble sleeping but so far stomach cramps and a headache have been the worst things. And I can live with those things! I sat in the doctor's office yesterday (sorry I missed blogging yesterday but I will summarize here) and he said everyone is different and he really doesn't know how this will affect me. He says that its certain that it will give me some fatigue but the amount and how it affects me is an individual thing. I am tired today but its Saturday and I'm supposed to be tired, right? So, I sat down in the chair and had two nurses at my beck and call. Kind cool, huh? I started asking tons of questions about everything they were doing and how it was going to affect me and how long it would take - I'll bet they were glad when I left! One of the nurses went to High School with my husband so that was nice and she also had breast cancer 9 years ago. She was very helpful. I was in the chair about 2 1/2 hours and they had TV on and I brought my journal so the time went by pretty fast. They served me drinks and nabs just in case there was any nausea at first but I had none. They also watched me very close because there was a risk of an allergic reaction. They gave me a huge shot of benadryl in the beginning (for the allergic reaction, I guess) and it made me pretty sleepy but I never did sleep. When I walked in there was a little old lady sitting in the first chair, head back, mouth open and boy, was she snoring or what? I decided that I really didn't want to be seen like that. I think that's why I never did go to sleep.
So it was over and we left and went to get the nausea medicine prescription filled because Doc told me to take one when I went to bed the first night - just in case. Some of the nausea medicine cost $30 a tab (incredible, huh?) but thankfully we have good insurance! Thank God for good insurance. But I digress. Came home and laid down on the couch. Not because I needed to but just because I wanted to. Watched soaps all afternoon - kinda nice. I am having trouble walking by mirrors - as some of you know I am VERY VAIN so now that my hair is very short (I kind of look like a boy or a gay woman - you decide) I am having a little difficulty with it. But it won't last long. Doc says that even if all doesn't fall out that it will thin and spot bald to the point that most women just shave it off. That will be one cool party! I think Brandon, Tom and I will shave designs or maybe I'll do a mohawk for a little while. I go wig shopping next weekend because the hair will beging to fall out within 2-3 weeks (probably by the time I go for my next treatment). I'm sorry if I repeat myself on some things. Its bound to happen and now I can blame my bad memory on something called "chemobrain" - cool, huh?
So there it is. Hopefully my PMA (positive mental attitude) will keep the pukies at bay and maybe I won't be too tired either. I am going to get up now and get started on some things around the house. We'll see how it goes.
Hey thanks for all the positive thoughts! And thanks for reading my ramblings!

The day before

Tomorrow is the day I start chemo. I guess when I first decided to go ahead I thought that I would be OK with my decision. However, as the days went back and the time got closer I began questioning, fearing, "shaking and quaking in my boots" so to speak. I woke up night before last and was shaking with fear. I finally started praying and to my amazement I was able to go back to sleep and even slept better last night. Its amazing how when you turn your problems over to God, and ask him to take them from you and help you, that you feel so much more peace. I have decided that He will take care of me and his WILL will be done. I will enjoy my life as much as possible until I go away from this earth. I have questioned my mortality a lot since finding out about this cancer and even more since my brother-in-law died suddenly on Christmas Eve. He was 51. I was really hoping to live past 51. And I know that fear is driving me now. If I wasn't afraid then I wouldn't be going through chemo at all. Its bad stuff. Poison to the body. It will kill so much of the good guys in the body and can ever miss the bad guys if they are lying dormant and are not multiplying. This cancer has/will change my whole life. I will never again be sure that I am healthy, I will never be able to give blood again without wondering if I am passing this disease on to some unsuspecting person, I will never feel whole but rather will always wonder if there are bad cells growing in my body waiting to appear somewhere else. I never knew that it would affect me this way.
The ramblings of a breast cancer victim who is bound and determined to be a survivor. I will blog throughout the treatment.