Tomorrow is the day I start chemo. I guess when I first decided to go ahead I thought that I would be OK with my decision. However, as the days went back and the time got closer I began questioning, fearing, "shaking and quaking in my boots" so to speak. I woke up night before last and was shaking with fear. I finally started praying and to my amazement I was able to go back to sleep and even slept better last night. Its amazing how when you turn your problems over to God, and ask him to take them from you and help you, that you feel so much more peace. I have decided that He will take care of me and his WILL will be done. I will enjoy my life as much as possible until I go away from this earth. I have questioned my mortality a lot since finding out about this cancer and even more since my brother-in-law died suddenly on Christmas Eve. He was 51. I was really hoping to live past 51. And I know that fear is driving me now. If I wasn't afraid then I wouldn't be going through chemo at all. Its bad stuff. Poison to the body. It will kill so much of the good guys in the body and can ever miss the bad guys if they are lying dormant and are not multiplying. This cancer has/will change my whole life. I will never again be sure that I am healthy, I will never be able to give blood again without wondering if I am passing this disease on to some unsuspecting person, I will never feel whole but rather will always wonder if there are bad cells growing in my body waiting to appear somewhere else. I never knew that it would affect me this way.
The ramblings of a breast cancer victim who is bound and determined to be a survivor. I will blog throughout the treatment.
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