Ups and downs

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was told by women that had been thru it that I would "feel" every ache and pain differently now. Every time I had a cough that lingered I would think, "It's back - it has come back in my lungs" or if my bones ached then it would be, "Now I have bone cancer, I just know it!" I didn't believe them, really, and probably because it was all so new to me and I had no idea what I was getting into. Well, I can tell you that it is true. I've said here that I will not worry about the cancer coming back because it either will or it won't and worrying about it won't change that. Oh that sounds so good, doesn't it? So easy?
The mind is a scary thing. It can take a very small thing and if one dwells on it long enough then that small thing can be blown up into something that is too big to fathom. My aches and pains have done this to me. And it doesn't bother me all the time. Just sometimes. Somedays my ribs hurt under my breasts and I just know that the cancer has spread. Or I keep coughing and coughing and swear that next time I go to see the Onc. that I will have a chest x-ray and they will find "it". Why do we do this to ourselves? What does it help?
I had hoped that I would be able to know my body well enough to feel if there were any changes. But hell, I didn't even know I was sick in the first place. So how do you know? What do you do?
When someone comes up with an answer let me know. And don't worry. This is a down time but I will be back UP!
Peace to all of you. Namaste'.

May 20th is an anniversary for me

I read in the forums that women give their anniversary date as the date of their diagnosis. I totaly disagree with that. The day of my diagnosis I still had cancer. So my anniversary of is the day of my last treatment. Of course, this is in my humble opinion.
So, May 20th will be the anniversary that I choose to celebrate. On May 20th, 2008, I had completed 4 rounds of chemo and 35 radiation treatments. On this May 20th I will celebrate being cancer free for one year! It is an incredible thing that has happened to me in this last year. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing prettier, the smells are sweeter, the laughter is better, everything is MORE! Living is so much more than the drudgery that most people make it out to be!
Anyway, I am happy to say that I am 13 days away from my 1 year anniversary and am so grateful for every wonderful moment on this beautiful earth! My hope for the future is that you know the same great peace that I have found. Namaste'.

Doing well

Haven't written in a while because truthfully life is back to normal again. Other than putting on some pounds and being tired because of them (the extra pounds, that is) I feel normal. And normal is good! I never thought I'd appreciate normal as much as I do.
My family is well and so far my health is also. I had a bone scan because I had something in my blood that was troubling the doctor but it turned out to be nothing. I have more blood tests in early May so I may write the results here. I fully expect the news to be good. If its not, then I will deal with whatever comes my way in the best way I know how.
I wish you all great peace. Namaste'.

I have a question........

If "we" are so sure that "everything happens for a reason" then why do we fight what IS? Do we think we are smarter than God?

I am so tired

When one is "aware" then they know that complaining is nonproductive. So, I TRY not to complain. Today my boss told me that I need to work on my attitude. This from someone who constantly allows my co-worker to carry around a bad attitude and speak to him in ways that consistently amaze me. So, at lunch I went to the treadmill and started walking and trying to get in touch with my inner self. The self that is aware of why she is doing the things that she is. It is my conclusion that I am tired. So, following are facts - not complaints - and they are my feelings at the present moment.
I am tired of driving 2 hours a day to hear nothing but complaints. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to drown in the amount of work given and then have more requests heaped upon me. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to have people tell me that I should just be glad to have a job. Don't you think I know that? Mostly, I am tired of driving two hours a day to work and miss that two hours a day with my family - even if my family consists of only my husband and 4 dogs.
When I started reading A New Earth and then subsequently moved on to researching Buddhism I reminded myself that when I found out that I had cancer I promised myself that I would have a lot of fun in this life. And when things were fun anymore then I would move to something else. I am just not having fun anymore. And because of that I am irritable and angry and do not like myself much. Whatever that means.
Anyway, in this economy it is a lousy time to look for a new job but I feel I must. Fun is the most important thing. "Living" this life is the most important thing. Being aware and living a good spiritual life is the most important thing. It ain't happening right now. And I HAVE to get back to it!

Too hard to be good

I've decided its too hard to be good. I will try my best but am not going to beat myself up if I have a beer or mixed drink every once in a while. Cancer will return or it won't. I will not live my life in fear of it. Instead I will live having as much fun as possible while trying to do cancer fighting things.
I want to talk about Buddhism. As I read "A New Earth" the author spoke of Buddhism so I became intrigued. I started reading about it and was surprised at how little I knew about it. First and foremost, it is NOT a religion as much as it is a path to peace. And in my quest for enlightenment I have decided to give it a chance. Its funny that a couple of people saw the book on my desk at work, and even my husband at home, and they were surprised and even a bit concerned for me. I suspect it is that they don't know much about Buddhism either. They are most likely misinformed as I was.
Anyway, I am intrigued to the point that I want to visit a Buddhist Center in Raleigh, NC. I find that searching for peace and enlightenment is not the way to find it. The way to find it is to SEE what is already here. Most people are so busy looking for that THING that will make them happy that they fail to see what they already have, are, etc.
If reading about Buddhism gives me peace then that's OK. Don't worry I won't turn radical because peace has no enemies. Peace is about seeing the good in all things. I am trying and some days it is easier than others. But I find that I am a much easier person to be around. Even for myself.
Much love to all who have been with me through this and all parts of this life that I live. Thanks you for your love and well wishes. I wish for you nothing but peace.

Eating to live instead of living to eat

Since reading the book "AntiCancer: A new way of life" I have decided to start eating better and drinking less. In my previous post you probably saw that I was struggling with this because no matter what you do or don't do in this life there are no guarantees. I could continue as I have in the past and never get cancer again. Or I could do everything right and cancer may still return. One just never knows. However, if I begin this path of healthy eating/living and still get cancer then again I can say to myself, "I did everything I possibly could to prevent this from happening." That was my thing about doing chemo also. I didn't want to say, "If only I had done the chemo...., etc." There are certain things that I have absolutely no control over: I am a woman, I am over 40, I am post-menopausal, etc. But the things that I DO have control over will be taken in hand.
So eating better is not as easy as one might think. I have cut out all sugar, aspartame, splenda, etc except for the occassional dark choclate fix. I have stopped drinking alcohol with the exception of 1 glass of red wine a day and a glass unfortunately is only 5 ounces. Boo Hiss! So to psyche myself out I add seltzer water to it or even drink pomegranate juice or blueberry juice out of my wine glass! How crazy is that?! Not drinking has been very difficult for me. I was a 1 beer and 2 drinks (whiskey and diet sprite) gal every day and on the weekends - well God only knew how many drinks it would be! Depended on how much football was on! I hope it gets easier as I move on!
No diet sodas anymore. In fact, no sodas anymore! No white bread anymore! Try that one too! Pizza, crackers, pretzels.....all made from white flour. No cookies! I am going nuts! I have dicovered fruit smoothies and they are delicious but they don't stay with me that long. This is going to be very tough to try to be healthy and prevent cancer from coming back. Very difficult in this fast food world we live in!
Eating better is also more expensive. Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and fish can get pricey. As you can see I believe I am a little resentful at having chosen this route. I hope I can get over that too.
Have also started walking at lunch several times a week. That should help also.
This is about living the best life that I can. This is about being happy and healthy. This is about having a good attitude so that it exudes to others. This is about sending out positive energy to the world. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I will give it my best shot! Wish me luck!
Cheers to all - even if its only with juice in a wine glass!