Itch, Scratch......Itch, Scratch

We've all had to deal with uncontrollable itches that are in the most inappropriate places. And they always seem to happen when its the worst possible time and place so that scratching the itch is impossible. And the more you try to think of something else the more maddening the itch is. It happens when your boss is talking to you or when you are standing in line at the bank, etc.
So, my right breast itches terribly. So does my right underarm. And it is kind of difficult to scratch it all the time. Thus it is maddening most of the time. I put the lotions and potions on it that they tell me to but they "ain't workin'!" At least not to the point that I would like for them to. Oh well. Just a little thing to have to complain about. If that's the worst of it then bring it on!
Tom and I had a very nice weekend. We worked in the yard and cleaned our house. We also watched a couple of movies and Tom got to play guitars (which he loves) with a neighbor of ours. And we went to a birthday party and enjoyed some great food and fun with some new friends. It was a weekend of blessings and today it is raining and it is another day of blessings. Each day, each moment is a blessing. This is a day the Lord has made.......Rejoice and Be Glad!

A Beautiful Day

Today is a beautiful day. Actually every day that we can wake up and breathe is a good day. But today is particularly gorgeous day as it is warm and the sky is blue and the flowers are budding and the world is alive and wonderful! Tom and I decided to take the day off and we worked in the yard. We had some plants to re-pot and a couple of trees to plant (my Earth Day promise) and we also bought some herbs and started an herb garden. While we were outside our dogs were running around in the yard, as they often do, and our youngest, Reese, started across the street to see the lady over there. Our dogs are about 55 pounds, medium sized, and they are very nice. The worst thing they might do is jump on you but mostly they are just friendly. Well, we didn't know but she is terrified of dogs. She looked up and saw the dog coming and started running away screaming. We were screaming at the dog and all she did was keep chasing the woman because she thought they were playing. Well finally I got the dog and put both of them in our day pen. By the time I went back across the street the woman's husband was cussing at Tom and the woman was almost hysterical.
Now, I am in the process of learning to stay in the moment and accept each moment as it is, whatever that may be. I am trying to not react and to be positive. It was very difficult to do that at that moment and its probably a good thing that Tom went over there because I don't think that I could have held my tongue. Tom apologized about a million times and the guys still had the gall to tell him that he was going to call the "law" if we didn't put our dogs on a leash. Well in the County our dogs don't have to be leashed unless they are deemed dangerous or vicious. I think he would have a very hard time proving our dogs as dangerous. He was really an ASS about it. So here I am trying to learn to let things go and yet I am still thinking about this incident and writing about it. So, clearly, I am having more trouble letting go than I thought. As I've said before I am a work in progress.
Anyway, today was 18 rads down so I am now a little over 1/2 way! WOOHOO!!! Almost there!
I hope all of you have a good weekend and try not to let the little things bother you. I am trying also.

Earth Day

Today is April 22nd and it is Earth Day. Today is meant to bring about awareness to our Mother Earth and what we are doing to her. I usually try to plant something on Earth Day but I have been too inside myself to do that this year. No Excuse! So, I will try to plant a tree this weekend to uphold my agreement to myself.
Mind noise has been a problem for me the past couple of days. This is when the mind begins telling me what to do - talking to me and telling me things that I know to be untrue or "whirring" away on things that just don't matter. I have to be very aware in those moments to bring myself back into the present moment and not listen to the mind noise. Its funny how we as humans are always looking for our next issue, happy moment, big break, money windfall, etc., and we lose sight of the moments that we are in - right now. We are never satisfied so must always look ahead. And then we've got our past that wants to tell us that something is right or wrong just because that's the way we were brought up. If we learn to accept the present time in our lives then we will probably be alot happier. Or at least, maybe, we'd be alot less insane!
15 Rads down! All going well except skin is starting to itch and breast is starting to be a bit achy. Doc says that's OK - gave me the name of some anti-itch cream. I may use it all over my body because my hair is starting to grow back everywhere and I've been scratching like I have fleas! I now have a 5:00 shadow on the top of my head. Its kinda cool except when I hot flash! Then its hot and sweaty - HA!
Happy Earth Day to ALL!! Thanks for hanging in there with me. The Lord will bless you for helping this old girl like you have!

45 YEARS OLD!

Monday, April 21st, is my 45th birthday. How different I feel about birthdays now! I used to hate turning older and looking in the mirror at all those wrinkles. But, know what? Every single one of those wrinkles brought me to this place in this life. Everyone of them is for something that happened to me in this life and that is a very good thing. Some may say, "so what?" But I have to tell you that I am starting to believe (and my new book has alot to do with this) that I have been blessed with the GIFT of cancer. Yes, I said gift. And no, I haven't lost my mind. This gift has made me look at this life in a totally different light and it is truly beautiful! This gift has changed my mind about alot of things - "If you want to be somebody else, change your mind" - from a song by Sister Hazel. I am thinking more clearly than I have in years. I am happy and feeling very blessed to BE in/of this LIFE.
"Life is good" is a mantra that you can find everywhere - on t-shirts, bumper stickers, hats, etc., and how true this simple little saying is.
On Monday my ego will tell me that it is MY DAY but truly it will be another day in this wonderful place we call LIFE and you better believe that I will be celebrating!!!

In the present

I am present in the moment and find myself having much better days lately. When my mind noise begins taking me to the future or the past I try to reign back into the moment. This moment is ALL I have so why not make it a good one? It is as it is and if I embrace it instead of fighting it then I am much more at ease. I like this feeling.

No more Pity Parties - Promise!

The rads are going well. No side effects so far and I am so glad. It won't be as long as it has been!
I have turned the corner, I do believe! I am done with complaining and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I just cannot do it anymore. I am feeling stronger and my attitude has adjusted. I want to become enlightened about why I am here on this earth and why things happen. I mentioned the book, A New Earth, and I have to say that so far it is dead-on! Granted I am only on Chapter 3 but I cannot believe how much I agree with what this man has written. I am bound by my ego and that is NOT a good thing. I want to get out from underneath it. I want to stop labeling people and things and myself and just BE. I want to stop talking about folks and stop worrying about them talking about me. I want to ask for forgiveness and grant it also. I am ready for this change. I am a work in progress and that's OK. I am calm and at peace. I pray it lasts.
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." -From A New Earth

Just another thing

The Smiths have had a hard year. As any of you that have been reading since my first blog you know that in the last 17 months Tom and I lost both our fathers, his brother and I got cancer. Recently as today the list of "more stuff" got longer. A very young lady decided to run into his truck while he was sitting in a turn lane. This is Tom's baby - his truck - the first time in our married life that he got the vehicle that HE wanted and had wanted for a long time. So his rear bumper is smashed in and his feelings are more than a little hurt. He is NOT hurt - other than a headache and a neck ache but he is really mad. And I am too. Haven't we had enough to deal with? And you guys know how much of a hassle it is to try to get a vehicle fixed and deal with the insurance companies, etc, etc. - What a pain! I am very glad that Tom is OK. And that should be the main thing, right?! Right! Easy to say.
7 rads down! 28 to go! Its kind of a pain to have to go every day but I'm sure it will go by quickly. I sure hope so anyway. I really wish that I had taken the time off from work because I find it hard to get up and go. I'd much rather stay at home until I start looking normal again. But even though I do work at home sometimes I'm sure they would rather me be there. I'm doing the best I can which isn't very good most of the time. Not sure what's wrong with me other than loads going on in my life and I am trying to be a better person on top of it all......you see my problem. Too much to do and think about! The Roller Coaster ride is getting old.
I am reading A New Earth and am hoping that it helps me toward my need for some enlightenment in this craziness that we live in. I will blog about it, I feel sure, so stay tuned.
Thanks for listening AGAIN. I am so lucky to have this place to vent.

An amazing article

This past weekend in the Parade there was an article about a man that was dying from Pancreatic cancer and the things that he wanted his children to know since he wouldn't be around. These are the things that I need to remember and try to live by.

"Always have fun" Better to be a fun-loving Tigger than a sad-sack Eeyore.
"Dream Big" Give yourself permission to dream.
"Ask for What you want"
"Dare to take a risk"
"Look for the Best in Everybody" If you wait long enough people will surprise and impress you.
"Make time for what matters" Time is all you have. And one day you may find that you have less than you think.
"Let kids be themselves."
-Taken from Parade magazine on April 6th, 2008.

My right breast is starting to ache a little. It's not burned yet or even tanned from 4 rad sessions. But it is a little sore. Kind of like it used to be when the "time of the month" came by. So far that is all I am dealing with. I'm tired also but I think its just stress though. So if I live by those things above will my stress go away? Sure seems like it would, doesn't it?

Finally getting some energy back

I am feeling better and better all the time. I still fatigue easier than I used to but I can tell that my energy is returning. That makes me feel good.
I had written a scathing blog entry about platitudes and how I hate them and wish people would stop using them with me. I read back thru it and decided that it sounded too much like I was preaching and I don't want to come off that way. I know that most people are just well-meaning and the others just don't matter.

Rads are going well - 3 down and 32 to go. So far so good. They never did do the tattoos so I think I'm just going to wait until they say that it HAS to be done and stop asking about it. For now I have blue marker marks on me covered with clear tape so it just looks strange but it doesn't really bother me. I asked on the message board when I would start feeling the side effects and some people said I just might make it thru without any. Wouldn't that be fantastic?!

I recently read an article about the type of BC that I have and it kind of scared me. It says that "women suffering a kind of breast cancer called triple-negative are more likely than other breast cancer patients to experience a relapse." It also said that "........women with triple-negative breast cancer were almost twice as likely to relapse. The pattern of relapse had a rapidly rising rate in the first two years after diagnosis, a peak at two to three years, followedby a decline over the next five." But the kicker was this: "...if triple negative breast cancer patients did experience a relapse, the median survival time from relapse to death was nine months....." So I read this article several times and it made me very sad. However, I am OK now. No one is promised another moment so make the most of the moments you have. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I am trying and I urge each of you to try also. We all need reminding from time to time.

1 rad down and 34 to go

I had my first radiation treatment today. They still haven't done the tattoos yet. I think they will do them in the next couple of days. They were right - I didn't feel a thing. Will have to wait to see how they will affect me. I understand the effects are cummulative so it may take a few days to affect me at all.
Its interesting to me how they describe what will happen with my breast while undergoing radiation. First, they say that it will tan. So I will have 1 tanned breast and 1 that's pasty white. OK - I can handle that. Next they say that it may burn (like a sunburn) so I have to put this special (expensive I might add) ointment on it after each treatment and at night before bed. OK, I can handle that. And last they tell me that the radiation makes the breast "perky" or more firm than it has been. I am 44 years old and it has literally been years since I had perky breasts. So I asked if they could/would radiate the other breast so that they could both be evenly perky. They said no. So soon I will have one perky/firm breast and one that wants to hang to my waist. How attractive! And just in time for summer and bathing suits too! Oh this just keeps getting better and better!
I am doing OK today - seem a little blue. Hope that gets better. We have had my male dog's "girlfriend" over for almost 2 weeks now and he is so hot for her that he doesn't want to sleep or eat so that means we can't sleep either. So maybe I'm just tired. I just really want to go home and cover my head and not come out for a few months. At least until I feel more normal. I'm so tired of not feeling like myself. I just want it all to be over! Why can't this be OVER??!!

X-Ray day

So I had to wait because they were running behind. Once they took me I was laid on a flat table again - they have something under my knees but it still makes my back hurt to lie there for very long - and they marked on me again and took xrays. They had this underwater scene on the ceiling which was very cool. So when they told me I had to lie still and not move a muscle I could only move my eyes and I took in the underwater scene. It was so nice - pretty colors and shapes. It certainly helped the time pass quickly. This big machine over me took pictures and lights came on and went off and at one time there was this big spotlight on my breast. And it was NOT entertaining anyone. There was a man and a woman in the room looking at my breast which didn't make me very happy either. Oh well - just another thing.
I start tomorrow with my 35 rads. I will do the best I can to go to work after each treatment. Some women on the message boards say that they get so fatigued that they have to take naps. I will do whatever I can. May have to work some in the evenings and on weekends to make up time lost. I just don't know what will happen.
I'll keep this blog up to date (or abreast - HA) with the situation. Thanks for hanging with me.