The Heat

The heat really gets to me now. I never really cared for extreme heat but now it seems that it takes so much more out of me. The energy that I so desperately want back is coming slowly. I think it may take longer for me to get back to "normal" so I shall wait. In the meantime I am trying not to complain about it. I just seem to need more naps than before. Sleep is a welcome retreat from the rigors of life. But then I have always loved to sleep.
So many people have told me to come back here and write more but it seems like when I do come here that all I end up doing is complaining and I don't want to do that. Life is good and I can't ask for more that I have at this moment. Work is work but it seems like it stresses me less than it used to so that it is a good thing.
I continue to read and try to awaken to my inner and outer life purposes. Sometimes I am pretty good at it and most times I get lost in the ways of the rest of the world where it is easier to complain, whine, moan about all that is going wrong instead of focusing on all that is right. Its very hard to do in the world that we live in. But it can be done. I continue to work toward it.
Things have been going well. It seems that Tom and I are busier than normal this summer - going and going more and more. Maybe having had cancer makes me know that tomorrow may not get here so do what you want to do today instead of waiting. Its really a shame that it took a life-altering event to make me "see the light" but in my case I can be very hard-headed.
It has almost been a year since my father died and I miss him very much. I know that he is in a much better place and having read "A New Earth" I realize too that his energy is still here. I never thought much about the fact that energy doesn't die and any energy that resides in the body will not die when the body dies but will rather move to another place. So I feel that my father's energy is still with me and that makes me feel better.
Anyway, know that I am still around and happy and healthy (to my knowledge) and things are going well. Take it easy, everybody. LIVE now because if you don't when are you going to?

Fear and Doubt

When I first found out that I had breast cancer people were kind enough to call me and enlighten me about the path that I was getting ready to embark upon. One of the people that called me was a nurse who worked for my OB-GYN doctor. He had asked her to call me to try to alleviate some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She called me out of the blue and talked to me for about 1/2 hour. She told me that I would finally get to the place, after treatment was over and life was beginning to get back to normal, where I wouldn't be concerned over every ache and pain that came up. She told me that I would stop worrying that the cancer had returned every time my breast hurt or I coughed and assumed that it had moved to my lungs. When she told me this I didn't really think much about it because I had yet to even go through my treatment so I was focused on that first. Do you sense a BUT coming? Now that my treatment is over and life is returning to normal I do find myself considering, "What is this new ache under my arm? Why is my cough getting worse? Has the cancer moved into my lungs? Is the breast cancer back?" I believe that it is very human to think these things. The problem comes in when we allow them to rule our lives. Fear can be a great motivator and it can cause one to be delusional. Delusion happens when the fear is allowed to become REAL.
I find that I do have those thoughts. And I don't like having them. I try my best not to allow them to stay around very long in my mind. I return to the present moment where all is well. But I believe that the girl was right when she told me that these thoughts will go away. I just have to give it time to happen.
Probably alot of women who have gone through breast cancer and come out the other side are interested in helping other people get through their trauma. And one of the ways we consider helping is by writing a book. If I thought I was creative enough I would attempt to write a book about this whole episode of my life but I fear that instead of helping others I would just bore them to tears. BUT, if I were going to write a book I have come up with a clever title. At least I think its clever. "I never loved my hair so much as I did after chemo" or "The Curls of Chemo". HA!
So, my hair is coming in and doing some strange things. I have never had more than a wave in my hair and that only appeared after my hysterectomy - I assume it had something to do with hormones, or lack thereof. However, now that my hair is growing back it is coming back with a pretty fierce wave/curl to it. I like it. But then I'm just glad its coming back at all.