Fear and Doubt

When I first found out that I had breast cancer people were kind enough to call me and enlighten me about the path that I was getting ready to embark upon. One of the people that called me was a nurse who worked for my OB-GYN doctor. He had asked her to call me to try to alleviate some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She called me out of the blue and talked to me for about 1/2 hour. She told me that I would finally get to the place, after treatment was over and life was beginning to get back to normal, where I wouldn't be concerned over every ache and pain that came up. She told me that I would stop worrying that the cancer had returned every time my breast hurt or I coughed and assumed that it had moved to my lungs. When she told me this I didn't really think much about it because I had yet to even go through my treatment so I was focused on that first. Do you sense a BUT coming? Now that my treatment is over and life is returning to normal I do find myself considering, "What is this new ache under my arm? Why is my cough getting worse? Has the cancer moved into my lungs? Is the breast cancer back?" I believe that it is very human to think these things. The problem comes in when we allow them to rule our lives. Fear can be a great motivator and it can cause one to be delusional. Delusion happens when the fear is allowed to become REAL.
I find that I do have those thoughts. And I don't like having them. I try my best not to allow them to stay around very long in my mind. I return to the present moment where all is well. But I believe that the girl was right when she told me that these thoughts will go away. I just have to give it time to happen.
Probably alot of women who have gone through breast cancer and come out the other side are interested in helping other people get through their trauma. And one of the ways we consider helping is by writing a book. If I thought I was creative enough I would attempt to write a book about this whole episode of my life but I fear that instead of helping others I would just bore them to tears. BUT, if I were going to write a book I have come up with a clever title. At least I think its clever. "I never loved my hair so much as I did after chemo" or "The Curls of Chemo". HA!
So, my hair is coming in and doing some strange things. I have never had more than a wave in my hair and that only appeared after my hysterectomy - I assume it had something to do with hormones, or lack thereof. However, now that my hair is growing back it is coming back with a pretty fierce wave/curl to it. I like it. But then I'm just glad its coming back at all.