Normal

I guess its normal for folks who have been through a life altering experience to begin to question their lives and why they do certain things. Since being diagnosed with cancer and especially since reading "A New Earth" I have become increasingly dissatisfied with working at my job. Not necessarily because I don't like my job - which I do (most of the time), and I am certainly blessed to even have a job, but more because I would rather spend my time on this earth, in this life, doing other things. When I first began treatment I started talking to my husband about selling our home and moving into a double-wide on a large plot of land and getting that dream land that we have always wanted. He smiled and said, "Let's wait and see what happens and get through all of this first." He was right, of course, but I still find that I am ready to put away some of the "stuff" of this world and our lives. It used to be that I wanted to be the best in my job and wanted to make lots of money and blah, blah, blah. Now, those things just don't seem to matter much anymore. I just want to spend time with my family, and my dogs and do those things that I find interesting and more fun. I have become indifferent to alot of things - passive almost. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is as it is. Don't get me wrong. I feel very blessed to have all that we do. I just don't need it that much anymore.

I am doing fine

This is the first chance I've had to tell everyone that I am doing fine. My tumor markers were fine and so was all other items tested with the exception of low blood sugar. But nothing really to worry about. And I won't worry anyway.
My energy is coming back and I have been walking everyday on the treadmill which helps alot. Remember, I have 18 pounds to take back off! But that will come - 1 pound at a time.
I told my husband the other night, when sitting outside on our back porch, that I am happier than I have been in years. It amazes me how much letting go of little things will give you a different perspective on life. Every once in a while I find myself slipping back into the old patterns and it scares me. I can't go back there! I can't return to the person I was. At least I am more aware and when those times come up I can recognize them and surpress them. Whew! Thank goodness for that!
I walked in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Walk a couple of weeks ago and loved it! It made me very sad, however, that there even has to be such a thing but I chose to look at the bright side of it and that women every day are LIVING instead of dying from breast cancer. And even as much as I hated it and do not have any idea what, long term it will do/has done to my body, really chemo and radiation was not that bad in the grand scheme of it all. If that's the worse thing I ever have to go through then I am blessed. And if there is more to come then I will deal with it.
So for now, I am well. And I am happy. And, after all, what more could a person ask for?

Anger and Hair - odd combination, I know!

First a word about anger. Five years ago I was fired from my job. The person that fired me was a friend of mine that had asked me to come and work for him as he grew his brand new business. In fact, his family and our family were very good friends. So after I was fired I was angry and we didn't speak (other than an email or two) for about 3 1/2 years. Even when seeing each other in the store things were tense.
A few months ago I realized that anger is a waste of time and energy and as I have become more aware I have realized this even more. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to show us what is really important in our lives. And not holding on to past anger is very important to me. In fact, I realized that I wasn't even angry anymore. I played a part in what happened to me also. I am responsible for my actions and no one on this earth can DO things TO me. I make my own destiny in everything that I say and do. Since then I have felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I have reached out and tried to become friends with these folks again. My husband has not. He cannot let go of the grievance that he has for the gentleman that fired me. He thinks that since we were such good friends that things could have been handled better. Even though I have told Tom that it is partly my fault, what happened, he doesn't care. He says that this guy spit on our family by placing us in the position that he did. Financially we struggled after I was fired. And it took a couple of years to recover. Tom just can't forget or forgive that. So, I finally decided to ask these folks to my "No Mo' Chemo/Rad Party" and they, surprisingly, showed up. We actually had a pretty good time. And Tom and I had said that if this guy were to show up then that would show that he had evolved and maybe changed a little also.
Well, nothing has changed in Tom's mind. He said it was good to see them and he enjoyed spending time with them but they didn't talk about what happened so its all the same as it was before.
In A New Earth Eckhart talks about holding on to grievances and how that strengthens our ego. But he also talks about how we can only be responsible for ourselves and cannot make anyone else do/feel/BE what we want. So, I have told Tom that I will not bug him about this anymore. I have made peace with these folks in my heart, mind and soul and that's all I can do. I wish it could be different.
So, anger will eat you alive. It does nothing except strengthen your ego by strengthening the mental position you have. Its just not worth it. What does anger do for you? Does it make you feel right? Is feeling right more important than being happy? Not to me - not any more. In fact it is more worth it to me to apologize and be happy - even if it makes the other person think they were right. Because its OK for me that they feel that way. I have learned to feel what it feels like to be diminished. It is uncomfortable but not unbearable. When you can accept the unacceptable you find peace. It is a cool feeling.
Now, hair again. The hair on my body, as I mentioned before, is coming back. And when it is growing it is coming in straight out. Hair on my arms is sticking straight out. Hair on my face - straight out. Hair, everywhere, straight out! It is so weird looking!! But actually kind of funny. Anyway, am going to get the eyebrows waxed this weekend. At least they aren't sticking straight out - for the most part!
Had blood drawn for tumor markers today. Wish me luck! We'll find out in a week!

Race for the Cure

I sent this email site to several folks but if I forgot you then please visit and do what you can to help. I sure appreciate it alot.

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1323588

Had a little party for myself this past weekend - I know......the ultimate in ego - and we had a very good time. I am done with all treatments and now just go for check ups. I plan on being around a very long time.