Depression

 "Depression is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign you've been strong for too long." ~unknown

Understanding

If you have been there, no explanation is necessary.  If you have not been there, no explanation is possible.

Mercy

"Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1

So tired

I am tired. Tired of driving 2 hours a day to work, tired of working, tired of laughing and joking when all I feel like doing is laying in the bed with the covers over my head, tired of hearing about cancer, tired of thinking about cancer.....hell, I'm tired of being me. I am not able to do anything without hearing about cancer....someone new has it, some new drug for it, some new statistic about it.....so tired of it. Here's the latest I read about it: http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/06/14/are-we-prepared-for-18-million-cancer-survivors/ When will this feeling leave me?

Loss

Everyone has loss in their lives.  So I am not unique.  But since this is my self-indulgent blog I would like to talk about my loss.
In the past 5 years I have experienced quite a bit of loss.  My father-in-law died, my father died, my brother-in-law died, I had chemo which made my lose my hair, I lost part of my breast and then lost both breasts.  Those losses have hurt me deeply.  They were good people as well as good breasts...lol.  When I look at my body I just don't see me anymore.  Someone else is looking at me.....and I don't know her.
And today I lost my wedding band.  I am incredibly sad and still hold out hope that I will find the ring.  It means so much to me.  I can't imagine how I lost it either.  The band is not loose and I know I had it on last night.  God, please let me find that ring.

Sisters from another mother

I lurk on the breastcancer.org forums as I did during my first bout with BC and they helped me so much.  As time went by and I got farther and farther out from that diagnosis and treatment I didn't visit there but every once in a while.  Then when I was diagnosed with BC again I started lurking there again.  It makes me feel like I have folks that truly understand me.  They lift me up when I am down, make me feel like its OK to feel the way I do from time to time, and allow me to lift others also, when I am able.  I feel like they are the only ones that understand how I feel from day to day.
I was able to pay it forward with one of them.  I sent her a jacket with pockets for drains that another woman had sent to me.  I also sent two camisoles with drain pockets.  All I asked her to do was to pay them forward also.
I love those ladies and I don't even know them.  They are my sisters from another mother and I appreciate them so much.

What I think

So I thought I'd start telling myself, when I start feeling sorry for myself, the following:  "Right here, in this moment, I am cancer free."
Then I thought, but how do I really know that?  Then I thought, can any of us really know that?  And then I realized that I can no longer trust my body.  It has failed me.  I don't recognize it anymore.  It's like I'm living inside someone else's body.  And I don't like it or trust it.
This moment.....this moment.....this moment.....what can I do beyond this moment?  Absolutely nothing.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!  I'm seriously losing it.

Tears and fears

This is the only place where I can tell what I truly feel.  And for anybody reading this it must be hard to read.  For that I am sorry.  But I feel I must unburden my soul somewhere.
I just met another woman who is plagued with the beast.  And I am at work so I refuse to cry here.  But I just want to cry.  This is so wrong!  It is an epidemic whose time has come to be fixed!  We have so many smart people in this world and yet 1 in 8 women get the beast and they don't have enough data to kill the beast?
She thanked me for being a "soldier in the fight" and for being "strong".  It is a ruse!  It is a facade!  I am not strong!  Right now I am a self-involved mess!
My faith is still strong.  I know that God has a plan.  And it is better than any plan I can come up with.  And His way is perfect!  And I know that courage is fear that has said its prayers.  And I do pray.  But I pray for the others who deal with the beast....not me.  Am I resigned to death from the beast?  Am I going to be a self fulfilling prophecy?
What is wrong with me?