What the oncologist said.

Finally went to see the oncologist in Chapel Hill and hear what he had to say.  Basically he said chemo would not benefit me unless I just wanted to do it.  Uh.....NO!  Been there, done that.....hated it.  He did tell me something that I didn't realize.  Because I had a local recurrence within 5 years there is a 40% chance that the cancer will return again.  It won't recur in the breast tissue but it would be somewhere else in the body.  However, that being said.....that means there is a 60% chance that it won't come back, right?

This is pretty gross!

Went to see the plastic surgeon yesterday and he didn't like the way my abdominal incision was healing so he cut it open and scooped out the dead skin.  Now I have to pack it with wet gauze and cover it with dry gauze.  That has to be done twice a day.  I have to say it is kinda gross.  I won't go into more detail than that. 
The doctor has written a note to keep me out of work until further notice.  He says it will take at least a month to heal.  I am still hoping to be back at work at the end of April but Tom doesn't want me to go back until I am totally healed.  I am unsure if work would even let me come back with restrictions so until I can lift 25 pounds I may have to stay out.
Having an open wound is freaking me out as I want to walk and gain some endurance but am afraid of doing anything that would make the wound worse.
I am highly frustrated.

The damn thing just won't heal

I only had 1 small section of the incision that wouldn't heal and then I stretched too much and opened another small place.  Aaaarrrggghhh!!!  I am at a loss.  Usually I heal very nicely and quickly so this is so unusual for me.  I sit still but as soon as I try to do anything it seems like I make it worse! 
Blaaahhhhh!
On another subject my hamburger bun boobs are settling a little bit....did I say that last post?  And they are healing nicely....go figure.

On the edge

I have been living in frustration and lite depression for the past week.   I had been doing so well and then I had a set back which has hit me pretty hard.  Worrying that my incision will open up at any time has made me have to go back to being very careful and slowed my progress dramatically.  And because I have been unable to do more and get better and better each day I am frustrated which is bringing on the depression.  Tom thinks I just have "cabin fever" but I don't think that's all.  Even when we went out on Sunday it didn't really help.
All that being said it does appear that my incision is doing better and healing a bit more every day.  So I will do my best to be patient (not my strong suit) and wait until it is healed to the point where I can start doing more and more again.  And I will get my Lexapro (happy pills) refilled which should help.

Paying the price

My abdominal incision is pulling apart.  There is a small part of it that looks like it is coming apart.  Tom is a little freaked out about it but he can see it better than I can.  I sent a picture to the doctor but he said to keep neosporin and non-stick gauze on it and take it easy.  No stretching or standing straight up.  So, again, I am back to taking it easy.  One step forward and two steps back......

I overdid it.

On Tuesday I went to the grocery store and overdid it.  Now I am paying for it.  I lifted items into the cart and then into the car with reckless disregard for how much they weighed.  Note to self:  There is a reason the doctors tell you not to lift more than 8 pounds.  I was so sore on Wednesday but walked the dog anyway and now my abdominal incision is paying the price.  It is "angry" and red and weepy.  I hope I have not damaged it.  I emailed the nurse with my symptoms and am waiting to hear from her.  I pray that I won't have to drive to Chapel Hill.
Well, the nurse just called back and said keep doing what I am doing with neosporin and if it starts looking worse then call them and they will put me on oral antibiotics.
So today I am taking it easy, watching ACC Basketball Tourney and will do minimal activities to try to let this thing rest and get better.
I'm learning that I don't follow directions very well.

Getting better every day

Today is 18 days post op and I did laundry!  I put clothes away and did laundry and even cooked part of dinner.  It feels good to be doing something and not having to ask everyone to do everything for me.  I get tired very easily though.  I have to sit and take frequent breaks but its all good.
My body is sad.  I have finally looked at it in the mirror and it doesn't look a thing like my old body.  My breasts are flat (which I don't mind) but pushed under my arms and my abdomen is flatter that it's been in years.  Weird.  But mostly it just doesn't look like me.  I laughed the first time I saw it but now it just makes me sad.  But generally I am OK.  I needed to do what I did to rid my body of the beast.  And for all intents and purposes the beast is gone.  There is never any guarantee that the beast is gone for good but I have faith that God has a plan that is way smarter than mine.  So I just live...and see what happens.