No more drains!

Yesterday I went to see the Plastic Surgeon for the first post-op visit.  He said I am doing great!  He had the nurse pull all the drains which I could have kissed him for and if he hadn't done it I probably would have cursed him for it.  Those drains were awful.  We had to "strip" them meaning pulling on them while mashing them flat to get everything pushed out of them and then we emptied them and that smell......ugh...if I never smell that smell again it will be too soon.  Even now when they are out I still smell where they were and I thought the shower would take care of that smell but it didn't.  I know it will go away.  Soon, please!
The doctor also said that the swelling would be here for a while.  If it weren't for the swelling then I might feel really human.  He said that it would be a couple of months before I really feel more normal anyway.  But he was pleased with my progress.  I am pleased also.  I can get in and out of the bed by myself now....progress!  I can use the bathroom by myself...progress!  I can walk without the walker...progress!  I can walk back and forth to the mailbox....progress!
I will not rush myself back to work.  I will take my time and get well....physically, spiritually and psychologically.  I have a long way to go.

Pain Management, itching and finally a "POOP".

Stay ahead of the pain was some of the best advice that I didn't take.  Wow, did I pay for that!  So for now, I will be taking all the pain meds, on time, that I am allowed.
Everything has started itching and hurting all at the same time.  I guess nerves are being regenerated so I am getting alot of twinges and burning feelings that give great pain for short periods of time.  I am constantly saying, "Ow" or "Heeeeee" and then a breath like a woman in labor and the pain tends to subside.  Moving one way today might not hurt and moving the same way tomorrow might be so painful that I might cry.  I am already so over the pain.  Ha.....such a long way to go!
Today was Surgery + 7 days and I still hadn't pooped.  Tom made me a cup of coffee this morning and said "This is the magic cup of coffee."  And by golly, it was!  I was getting very irritated and being an ornery patient.  Not having a daily constitution for 7 days was not the way to make Wendy a happy gal.
But now it has happened so hopefully things will keep moving.  And when the drains come out and the pain subsides Wendy will be a much happier girl!

Bilateral Mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction.....

Let's see if I can explain what this is.  They opened my breasts up, scooped out all breast material and then opened up my tummy and scooped out the fat there and moved it up to the boobs.  Then formed mounds, attached blood vessels, etc., and then closed up boobs. 
I went in the hospital on Thursday, 2/16 and surgery began around 7:30AM.  I was in recovery by around 6pm that night.  Stayed in Surgical ICU until Saturday at around 1pm and then was moved to a regular room.  I was on liquids from recovery until lunchtime on Sunday and went home right after lunch on Monday.
Hardest part so far has been:  no pooping and feeling bad because of it, lots of pain where drains are, emptying drains and the smell, getting up and down off the toilet without using the arms for pushing, and generally feeling like "What the hell did I just do?"
Last night I cried for the first time.  I had teared up but never really cried before.  Before surgery I kept giving over my fear to God and then snatching it back like I could do a better job with it.  I know, "Doh!"  But God is forever doing special things for me that I either don't recognize or don't understand.  And He always puts people in our lives at the right time.  While awaiting surgery several people came in and spoke with Tom and I but it was only when Stella came in that I finally handed the fear over to God and left it with Him.  I'm not sure what it was about Stella but she felt like she was from God Himself.  That was when I teared up.
But last night was the crying.  I cried and cried and cried.  And it actually made me feel better and stronger for it.  And today has been a good day.
This too shall pass and I know it.  I will have good days and bad days as all people do.  I'll try to post what's happening.  Thanks for letting me vent here.  It really is cathartic.

Shoulda taken 2 happy pills today!

I am a bit nervous today as tomorrow is my surgery.  And I am finding that I am a bit "short" with everyone.  I am trying so hard to be brave and for the most part I am brave.  It's so weird but I am totally OK with the surgery until I begin to think of lying there in a room full of people totally naked and then the cutting begins.  That's when I start freaking out.  So I try not to think about that part...only the part where I fall asleep and then wake up all done.
God will hear from me a lot during these last hours before surgery.  Prayer usually calms me....I hope today is no different.

I am sooooo not strong.....

In fact, currently, I am a bundle of nerves.  The closer it gets to this surgery that will put me down for weeks the more bundled my nerves get.  In fact, I had a moment yesterday when I decided that I just was not going to do it.  I didn't have an alternative but  knew that I didn't want to have this surgery.  And then my sane mind took over and asked me, "If you don't do this then what will you do?"  I had no answer.  So I decided to do the surgery. 
I feel sure that between now and next Thursday I will waffle many times.  But finally I will do what I should do and remove the tumor.
I am such a whimp.

Sometimes reading too much is not good.

At least this is what Tom tells me.  I, on the other hand, am a planner which means I need to know exactly what I am in for and how I need to prepare for the surgery coming up.  So I've read hundreds of posts about BMX and DIEP reconstruction from my peeps at Breastcancer.org and it has been helpful and terrifying.
The closer I get to surgery the more terrified I am.  I continue to pray and that calms me but as soon as I "take back my problems from God" the anxiety begins again.  I think about drains, and pain and constipation.....oh my!  I know I will get through it and will ultimately forget the pain, etc., but for now I am overwhelmed.  I know....this too shall pass.

Am I selfish or crazy?

Yesterday was an especially hard day for me.  After speaking to Dr. Huffman about the Her2 status and him telling me he wants to do Femara and Herceptin after surgery then I went to the Internet and started reading about the side effects of these drugs.  The are very bad, very expensive drugs.  I don't want to take them.  So I started thinking about quality of life vs. quantity of life and I have always said I'd rather live a short life and have fun than live a long life suffering.  Tom's sister prolonged her life with all kinds of trial drugs and she suffered greatly.  But she did it to spend as much time as she could with her children.  I have no children.  But I have Tom and would it be selfish of me not to do everything I can to be around with him so we can grow old together?  The person left behind when someone dies is the person that suffers.  It's not the one that dies.
I finally talked to Tom last night about how I was feeling and the great thing about him is he doesn't try to influence me in any way.  He gives me his opinion but lets me make the decision.  I told him about being selfish and if I didn't take these drugs then I would have to do 1 of 2 other things.  I would either have to dramatically change my lifestyle.....no alcohol, lose weight (which I'd like to do anyway), eat only fruits and vegetables for the rest of my life, exercise regularly (which again wouldn't be that bad of a thing).....but Wendy would become a very sad girl.  OR, I would have to sit around doing what I do now and wait until the Beast came back.....and it most likely would.  Whatever is in my body letting the Beast thrive will stay there unless I drastically change things.  But I don't know if I am willing or even able to do this.  That's where the selfish part comes in.
I am not afraid to die.  Death is a part of life.  I just didn't think it might be so soon.
I am not giving up, folks.  I am merely weighing everything that life has thrown at me recently.  So I will have surgery, we will retest the tumor and go from there.  Until then I place it in God's more than capable hands.

I am a legitimate freak of nature

So I had a second opinion yesterday. It was with my former oncologist. He told me something that I did not know. It appears that my biopsy had two different labs test it. One lab found ER 1% +, PR-, and Her2-. The other lab found ER 13%+, PR-, and Her2+. He said that happens sometimes. So what he wants to do is to go ahead with the surgery and then afterwards, unless they find positive nodes, he wants to forego chemo but start Femara and possibly Herceptin.

So I guess I'm no longer in the TriNeg group...so weird how things can change. I asked him if this was a new primary and he said probably. Maybe little guys from last tumor but histologically speaking they are different.

Then I find out that unless they verified the Her2 status that it could be false - or +...either way.  I would rather not be Her2+...this is: HER2 protein overexpression can result in malignant transformation of cells.  It is a more agressive type of tumor and with being a grade 3 anyway.....aggression is its middle name.

So I don't know what to think.  One minute I believe that I am triple negative again and then they start throwing all these other acronyms at me along with names of drugs that I have never had to deal with and know nothing about.  I feel like a freak.

So it appears that my surgery will be on 2/16/12.  I am ready.  I will lay it all in God's hands and He will do His will.