Writing and miscellaneous ramblings

First, there are only 24 more days before our trip to Costa Rica!!! I am so looking forward to having the time away from responsibilities and work. I am looking forward to doing new things that I've never done and pushing the limits of my fears. I used to live my life afraid to do so many things. But having breast cancer has changed all that. I am much more eager to jump in to new experiences and I don't worry what might happen anymore. Whatever is going to happen WILL and I have really no control over it. So LIFE, bring it on!
I went to see the new movie "Hereafter" this past weekend and enjoyed it very much. After I walked out of the theater I could not get it off my mind. If you truly believe that everything in this life happens for a reason then there really is reason to enjoy this movie. We are all intertwined in a cosmic dance and the thought of that is so exciting. I recommend you see this movie.
I have decided to try my hand at writing. I am no longer afraid to make this attempt. I am looking forward to putting some of what goes on in this mind of mine down on paper. Who knows if anyone will find it interesting, humorous or entertaining but I'm going to do it anyway. I look forward to see what the world has in store for me in the arena.
I crave change. I have always been that way. I like to move furniture around and make the room look different. I like to plant different things and then move them if they would look better somewhere else. I think change is healthy. I mean I don't want to change my husband or anything like that but I do crave change of some kind. I crave different work, a different place to live, different meals at Christmas and picnics, different places to go on vacation......anything that gives me a push to renew my spirit. If change doesn't happen often then my spirit becomes stagnant and I become apathetic. I hate that about myself.
Today is a beautiful day! In fact, today is the day the Lord has made....rejoice and be glad!

The Book of Awesome

I had been feeling a little blue so I decided to buy "The Book of Awesome." This book is about reminding us that the little things in life can pass us by if we don't take notice. And these things can truly be very small.....popping bubble wrap, the cool side of the pillow, the laughter of a child, etc.
Each day I get in the shower and the first words out of my mouth are "Thank you, God, for this day." But its sad that I have to remember to notice that my life, while not perfect, is pretty damned good. Sure, we all have our "stuff" to deal with....right now there is a building layer of dust on several surfaces in my home and my bones ache more than they should for a 47 year old woman......but remembering the good stuff will help the hurt stop hurting.
As I read further into this book I am sure that I will be posting more about it. We've always heard "Stop and smell the roses" but until I got cancer I never really got what that means. I do now and I challenge anyone reading this to remember to do the same.
Life really is good. Find something good about yours too.

Bad hip......

Only a person who had cancer before would actually be glad to only have torn cartilage in their hip! I was so worried.....yes, I had worried myself into a tizzy.......about the return of the "beast" as it is called. Come to find out there is a problem but it is not life threatening. Although if you think about it just living is life threatening. Anyway, the MRI showed a torn labrum in my hip. Will go find out how bad it is....unfortunately it will NOT heal on its own......and then decide what to do after that. Just another thing. I told my husband that he got a lemon and that I must have been made on a Monday! Come to find out I was born on a Sunday!
Relief has overwhelmed me once again. One day "it" will leave my mind. That day has yet to come. It is my greatest wish that one day pain and suffering will be no more. Thanks for listening.

More Hip pain

Just took an 800mg Ibuprofen. Was sitting here at work and my hip was aching so badly that I wanted to cry. I'm now waiting on pain med to work. Last Saturday I went to the 5K Susan Komen Race for the Cure in Raleigh. Sunday I paid dearly for it. What is wrong with it? Went to GP and he gave me a Prenisone taper (which I very reluctantly took - hated it and put on weight because of it) and ordered an Xray. Xray showed nothing.....zip. So after taking the Prednisone poison and it not helping I have asked Onc. to schedule an MRI. Tumor markers are fine. All blood work is fine. Something is wrong with my hip.
MRI is Monday, 6/21. I am so afraid that it will show nothing.......or show something. Either way I just want to know why my hip bothers me all the time now. And the pain has moved around in the hip. It was on the side only.....then moved across the front toward the groin area.....then around the back toward the buttock. My lower back aches sometimes and my sciatic flares sometimes also. But it all hurts....sitting, walking, standing.......all the time.
Just want to know what the issue is so I can begin fixing it. Pray it isn't mets.

When does concern become obssesive worry?

I'm not quite sure what is happening to me. The past couple of months I have started having a pain in my hip and it is beginning to concern me. I started losing some weight and exercising more and since then my hip hurts worse. I thought it might be an exercise injury but it actually doesn't hurt while I am exercising. It hurts when I am at rest. It hurts especially bad at night, sitting on the couch or lying in the bed. It is not my sciatic nerve but rather if you stood with your hands down at your side it would be just above where the heel of your hand hits your hip. Or where the top of the leg meets the hip.....or where the bottom of your underwear hugs your hip......etc. It hurts to the bone. I can press on it and it hurts bad or I can just sit there and it hurts......a dull, constant ache. Sometimes the pain is felt all the way down my leg to my knee. I find it difficult to get comfortable. Aspirin, Ibuprofen, etc......does nothing to help. I am unsure of what to do.
I have panicked before and made my doctor do scans that showed nothing. I do not want to panic again. But I find myself reading the forums and searching the web for bone metastases. In the last two weeks I have spent waaayyyy to much time doing this. Its becoming obsessive and I'm not sure why. I've always said, and still feel, that if the cancer comes back then I will deal with it. There really is nothing I can do to prevent it from coming back. It either will or it won't. Do you sense a "but" coming? I think its the not knowing that is making me obsess. If I know what is happening then I can begin dealing with it. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Osteopenia

Well, doc says that I now have Osteopenia. This is the step just before Osteoporosis. And he wants me to take Fosamax. Sounds like this is typical. I've read that most women my age are on their way to Osteopenia anyway. And throw in post-menopausal and having gone through chemo and so this is really no surprise. Just another thing.