Radiologist visit again

I went to see the Radiologist again today. Actually I saw the radio-therapist - I guess that's what they are called - and I laid on a table with my arms over my head while the table moved back and forth thru this big tube looking thing. Then they put these blue permanent marker marks all around my chest. It was kinda surreal. I just couldn't believe that I was having to endure something else. I was a little anxious but it went quickly and was painless. I go back again tomorrow and will have the tattoos put on where the blue marker marks are now. They tattoos are permanent and allot of people go ahead and have them changed into a meaningful tattoo. I think I will skip it and just leave them alone. Maybe one day they will fade just like the nightmare of cancer will fade - I hope. After the appointment tomorrow I will schedule the 35 treatments of radiation that I will have to do. Will it ever end?

Today I helped someone.......I hope

I went to see the Radiologist today. I had met with her before and already knew that I liked her. She is full of "piss and vinegar" or is a "spitfire"....... most of you probably know what I mean. She is sassy.
So her nurse explained everything to me again and laid down the rules. No underwire bras, no shaving under the arm on the side where my breast cancer was found (and let me tell you during chemo that would be no problem as hair didn't grow there but any other time not shaving at least every other day is not an option), and no deoderant (HA!) in additon to some cream that I have to slather on every day. It should be interesting. Don't know much about it and how it will affect me. I'll just have to wait and see.
So, when I was walking out of the doctor's office a lady was just getting out of her car and noticed me walking to my car. She said, "Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a moment?" I assume that she noticed my baldness and decided that I might know something about cancer? I told her sure and she proceeded to tell me that she has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. I stood there and let her tell me her story. I have found that most people only want to talk about themselves and if you listen to them and let them vent them they will appreciate it. In my small way I like to do that. I have been told I am a good listener and I tried to listen to her today. She had a hard life also and was questioning whether or not her previous "escapades" had made God give her this cross to bear. I told her that my God is a loving God and he is NOT a vengeful God and I would never believe that something like this would be a punishment. She asked me about losing my hair and feeling bad and tired all the time and we talked for about 1/2 hour in the parking lot. She cried and I cried and we hugged and she thanked me for my help but mostly I think she just wanted someone to listen to her. I hope that I helped. It felt good to try to tell someone getting ready to start this CRAZINESS that one can live thru it and come out on the other side - even though it may feel like it will never end and one may question one's sanity during it all.
I read today that a lady on the message boards said it took her 1 year to get her strength back. I must be patient then because I am tired of being tired. I want some energy back! I don't want to huff and puff every time I walk up a flight of stairs or walk to my car, etc. I have started walking again and hope that helps also.
I am still overwhelmed and fearful but I am trying to get my head on straight again. Spring is here and the flowers are blooming and that always makes me feel a little "froggie" as I put it. That just means that I am ready to lay in the sunshine and feel the warmth and smell the fragrance and just be where things are NEW again. I love Spring! It is by far my favorite time of the year.
Not much more to discuss right now. I hope that everyone has a great weekend!
Cheers to all!

The Blues and allergies

Well, I have the blues again. I am so overwhelmed with the magnitude of everything that I am facing, have faced, need to get done, etc, that I feel like I'm losing my mind. In addition to that the allergens in the air are bothering me more than ever before. So, I am extra tired (overdid it this weekend in the yard also) and now blue on top of it all. The overwhelmed feeling is what's making me blue. I mean I am ecstatic to have completed chemo (AND NEUPOGEN) but now moving on to the next phase I find myself surprisingly sad. I really think it is thinking about what is next and wondering how it will affect me and feeling like nothing that I need to get done is getting done and.......blah, blah, blah. I know....same stuff, different day. I guess I am feeling post-partum blues without having the baby. Hmmmm, strange analogy, huh?
Poor Tom has had to give me more pep talks than ever. I feel sure that he is just about sick of me and my whining. It's always something - my back hurts, my head hurts, I'm so tired, etc. I asked him how long he thought it would take for me to feel normal (human) again and he said he thought as long as a year. That saddened me also.
So here I am sad and sniffy (allergies). This cancer thing is a constant battle between feeling yucky and feeling OK - not much feeling good - a few times but not many. The side effects seem to be cummulative and therefore they are "piling on" me at this time. I cannot imagine being Stage 3 or 4 and knowing that there is no cure for what you have. And that's another thing. I have triple negative breast cancer which has a higher rate of recurrence and is typically more aggressive. But everyone who is a survivor says that the worry will go away with time. I'm ready for it to be gone.
So, there it is for all to see. I am strong but today I feel very weak. Maybe this feeling is short-lived. I sure hope so.

Coming out of the fog but still tired

I am now in week 3 of my 4th round of chemo. Last week the Neupogen shots put me down - for three days!!! It was awful! But I am recovering and even managed to work in the yard this weekend - some but I fatigue so easily that I don't feel like I get much done. We got our little garden planted - well some of it anyway. I got my flower beds weeded also. I huff and puff very easily nowadays and just get so winded so fast! I hate it. But it will pass. I will start walking again and that will help alot, hopefully.
I am sitting here in the bed watching basketball and looking up wigs online. I have to go to a Bachelorette party next weekend and I was hoping that I could look halfway normal when I go......Tom came in and asked me what I was doing and when I said looking at wigs he asked why? He gave me a pep talk about how I haven't been too worried so far and why should I worry now?
Anyway, this week should be a good one and I'll keep you guys up to date on what happens with the Radiologist.
My words of wisdom this week are - "Begin each day as if it were on purpose" - Not my words but something that hit home with me.

Tired of feeling sick and tired

Well, I'm at home today - Neupogen again. I know its the last time but I am so tired. I know I've said it before but it seems like it just keep getting worse instead of better. Everything I read says that fatigue is cumulative so it makes sense that I would feel this way. But I'm so over this!
Anyway, I took an edible arrangement to my chemo nurses and other nurses and docs in the office. They loved it! It was almost too beautiful to eat. In fact one of them said she wasn't going to let anyone eat it until she could take a picture of it. I even saw my doctor taking a few bites! Of course, everyone loved the chocolate dipped strawberries - YUMMMMM!!!!!!
I'm sitting here knowing that I haven't written anything for a few days but just don't want to whine or complain so like mom says, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" - remember that? I like telling all of you what's going on because I know for most people this is the best way to know how I am doing. I just don't want you to think that I'm just complaining. I am tired of feeling this way but I can handle it for a little while longer. I read this morning while awaiting my shot that one cancer survivor wrote: Cancer is a blessing because it teaches us to savor moments in our lives that we may otherwise take for granted.
I say - well said. Sometimes we have to go through these types of things to make us slow down and enjoy life also. I hope I can keep this feeling because right now I am so happy to be alive and want to spend time with family and friends and make those moments special.
Life is good, folks.

Hot Damn, I feel good!

I cannot even begin to tell you how much the weather influences my moods. And chemo getting out of my system helps also - go figure. It has been warm and sunny here most of the week and since I am getting my feet back underneath me I feel so good. This is the time that I have to be careful because those white blood counts can be low and I'd never know it. That's one of the many things about chemo that is so unfair. You start feeling good and then they hit you again with one thing or another. But guess what?! This time, after my last Neupogen shot, they will not hit me with it again! And then I can start on my way to putting all of this behind me!
Damn, I feel good! Cheers! Here's to a great weekend and the start of better things!!!

Day 6 of Treatment 4

Its Wednesday and I am back at work today. I am feeling OK - of course, tired goes without saying, achy also, kinda "woozy" or lightheaded, and very sleepy. I will take it all with the knowledge that I don't have to go back for any more chemo! I have Neupogen shots next week - doc says since I've had them in the past that it is highly likely that I will have them in the future also. So that's next week. Boohiss!
So now I start radiation in a couple of weeks. I hear that it is very easy compared to the chemo. I sure hope so.
I don't have much to blog about today but wanted all to know that I am getting better with each passing day. I have started worrying about recurrences of BC but I am praying that this won't happen. Can't spend all my days worrying over it anyway.
Hope all has a very good week - spring is on the way!
Cheers!

Friday, March 3, 2008...........My LAST CHEMO!!

Today I took my last chemo. Today was the last day they got to pour poison in my veins. Today is the last time I sit for 2 1/2 hours in "the Chair" - interesting how loads of people understand "the Chair." Today is the last time I have to see the Onc. nurses - much as I loved them I am glad to not have to see them anymore. Today is the last time I have to see Dr. Huffman - at least for three months. Its the last time I have to dread the fatigue that will hit in two days and last three. Last time for Neupogen shots and bone pain two days later.
There are really no good words to describe how I feel at this moment. I'll try - blessed, blissful, cheerful, chipper, content, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, perky, pleased, satisfied, sunny, thrilled, upbeat - thanks to Thesaurus.com.
I am sitting here feeling like I can conquer the world! I feel vindicated because chemo didn't beat me. I had some better moments than others but overall I have been so blessed that I didn't have alot of the issues that I could have. And I took it. I didn't roll over but I stood up and every time I got beat down (and I still have a couple of those days to go so stay tuned) then I stood up again. I found out that I am way stronger than I thought. I want to live! I asked my husband the other night, "If you aren't going to LIVE now when are you going to live?" And I need to remember that also. My priorities have changed. How I think about alot of things has changed.
I am very glad that this day has come. I give all credit to my God, my husband, my family and friends. They helped me be strong. They brought me through. Thank you to all!

A walk in the park

Today I woke up and felt achy (what's new?) and my head hurt but I came to work anyway. Believe me I wanted to go home. I took some anti-nausea meds and some headache meds and within a couple of hours felt a little better so decided to stay. It was 75 degrees here today and even though it wasn't sunny it was still warm enough to get outside. So I decided to go walk in the park that is near my office. I haven't really felt like doing much walking but knew that if I could ever get started then I would feel better. Walking the stairs makes me winded now. Doing any little exertion is like working out times ten now. So I started walking and my back was hurting so bad and I noticed that my ankles were swollen. My bones were aching so bad that I felt like I was walking funny. But I kept going. I wasn't breaking any land speed records by any means but I was walking. And I forgot how much I love it. The river is down by the park and I was walking outside alot until my father died last year and the weather turned colder. It clears my head and today there was a nice breeze and it was just great. And then it started to rain......and I was where there was no shelter. I mean the first day I had even FELT like getting outside and it rains on me! How's that for feeling like the world is taking a crap on ya? Not really but it wasn't fun. So I started back to the office and by the time I reached an awning the rain was stopping. Just a short shower.....and we need the rain - don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the rain. I would have really been thankful if I could have been watching it through a window while inside! Anyway, I had to laugh. What a comedy of errors my life has become. Its almost comical. I almost always enter contests all the time because I figure that SOMEONE has to win, right? Well, suffice to say that it ain't me that's winning! But I am blessed and that's what I have to focus on. Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug! Lately I am "squashed!"

A good week

As many of you know I have no children of my own. That was by choice. I just never wanted to have children. So, when I married Tom I inherited a son, Brandon. When I met Tom Brandon was only 33 months old. By the time we decided that Brandon should come live with us he was 5 years old and Tom and I were married. I had not really planned on being a parent and to be quite honest, I wasn't very good at it. And it was difficult at times but we all managed to work through it. Tomorrow, Brandon will be 21. Wow!! Time is flying by me like I'm standing still! And Tom and I both had high hopes for Brandon and his life. Things haven't turned out quite like we had hoped. But we realize that Brandon has his life and we cannot make him be what we want. We have to let him grow up and hope that he lives through the growing process.
Anyway, made Brandon a cake today and bought him new tires for his car for his birthday. I wasn't so smart at his age and I managed to live through it. I only hope that he does the same. I pray that he will learn quickly but not the hard way.
I am feeling very good - just don't have much energy. I tire easily and that makes me feel bad but the energy will comes back - I just know it. This Friday is my last treatment and I am so glad!
I am ready to begin my life again. Its amazing how my priorities have changed and also my thought processes. I will most likely never think the same way again. Maybe that's a good thing.