2 years ago today

It was 2 years ago today that I was told I had breast cancer. I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting for this doctor to tell me what I knew to be true. That I was perfectly fine. I knew it with my whole heart that I would walk out of there with good news. Tom told me later that he had watched the nurse at the front desk look at a chart and then look at me with dread in her eyes. He knew then that I was sick. Once the doctor told me I had cancer I think I thought at first that I must be in a dream. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be me. I felt fine. My body had not turned on me in that way. Thankfully, Tom was there to listen and ask questions and then we left. On the way to the car Tom held my hand and I asked, "Did he just tell me that I have breast cancer?" And Tom just turned and hugged me. I felt bad for him because I knew that he would want to "fix it" but this time he couldn't.
That day I felt helpless and strong all at the same time. Sounds weird, doesn't it? I knew that cancer had gotten me but I felt sure that it wouldn't beat me. That was the beginning of my journey and there were times that I felt like maybe it would beat me. But those times would pass and I would feel strong again.
What do you do on a day like today? Do you celebrate for having made it through the journey? Do you mourn for the time lost when you felt bad and helpless? Do you feel angry because it happened? Or do you embrace the fact that it did happen and nothing can change it?
I think that I will embrace it as a part of my life that happened. "Each place along the way is somewhere you had to be in order to be here." And I totally agree.

Forgetting to remember

I told my husband I want a tattoo. Just a small one of a pink ribbon on the inside of my wrist. He asked why and I told him that I want to always remember. When I went through cancer I arrived on the other side with a new appreciation of life. And I asked the question, "How does one keep this feeling? How do I prevent life from sneaking back in and taking over?" Or something to that effect. And now I am living that. I am forgetting to remember that I have been through something that will forever trump dirty dishes in the sink, or my son's messy bedroom, or the drive to work, or the car not starting, or my boss chewing on me, etc. I want to always remember.
After 9/11 when everyone was nice to one another and spoke kinder and softer and flew their flags......remember that? And then slowly we started to forget that we are ONE nation......together......it hurts me that we forget to remember that we are not the enemy of each other. I don't want to forget to remember.
It's so hard not to let life take over. So I want a tattoo to help me remember. But my husband doesn't like the idea. I just am not sure he understands.

Ups and downs

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was told by women that had been thru it that I would "feel" every ache and pain differently now. Every time I had a cough that lingered I would think, "It's back - it has come back in my lungs" or if my bones ached then it would be, "Now I have bone cancer, I just know it!" I didn't believe them, really, and probably because it was all so new to me and I had no idea what I was getting into. Well, I can tell you that it is true. I've said here that I will not worry about the cancer coming back because it either will or it won't and worrying about it won't change that. Oh that sounds so good, doesn't it? So easy?
The mind is a scary thing. It can take a very small thing and if one dwells on it long enough then that small thing can be blown up into something that is too big to fathom. My aches and pains have done this to me. And it doesn't bother me all the time. Just sometimes. Somedays my ribs hurt under my breasts and I just know that the cancer has spread. Or I keep coughing and coughing and swear that next time I go to see the Onc. that I will have a chest x-ray and they will find "it". Why do we do this to ourselves? What does it help?
I had hoped that I would be able to know my body well enough to feel if there were any changes. But hell, I didn't even know I was sick in the first place. So how do you know? What do you do?
When someone comes up with an answer let me know. And don't worry. This is a down time but I will be back UP!
Peace to all of you. Namaste'.

May 20th is an anniversary for me

I read in the forums that women give their anniversary date as the date of their diagnosis. I totaly disagree with that. The day of my diagnosis I still had cancer. So my anniversary of is the day of my last treatment. Of course, this is in my humble opinion.
So, May 20th will be the anniversary that I choose to celebrate. On May 20th, 2008, I had completed 4 rounds of chemo and 35 radiation treatments. On this May 20th I will celebrate being cancer free for one year! It is an incredible thing that has happened to me in this last year. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing prettier, the smells are sweeter, the laughter is better, everything is MORE! Living is so much more than the drudgery that most people make it out to be!
Anyway, I am happy to say that I am 13 days away from my 1 year anniversary and am so grateful for every wonderful moment on this beautiful earth! My hope for the future is that you know the same great peace that I have found. Namaste'.

Doing well

Haven't written in a while because truthfully life is back to normal again. Other than putting on some pounds and being tired because of them (the extra pounds, that is) I feel normal. And normal is good! I never thought I'd appreciate normal as much as I do.
My family is well and so far my health is also. I had a bone scan because I had something in my blood that was troubling the doctor but it turned out to be nothing. I have more blood tests in early May so I may write the results here. I fully expect the news to be good. If its not, then I will deal with whatever comes my way in the best way I know how.
I wish you all great peace. Namaste'.

I have a question........

If "we" are so sure that "everything happens for a reason" then why do we fight what IS? Do we think we are smarter than God?

I am so tired

When one is "aware" then they know that complaining is nonproductive. So, I TRY not to complain. Today my boss told me that I need to work on my attitude. This from someone who constantly allows my co-worker to carry around a bad attitude and speak to him in ways that consistently amaze me. So, at lunch I went to the treadmill and started walking and trying to get in touch with my inner self. The self that is aware of why she is doing the things that she is. It is my conclusion that I am tired. So, following are facts - not complaints - and they are my feelings at the present moment.
I am tired of driving 2 hours a day to hear nothing but complaints. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to drown in the amount of work given and then have more requests heaped upon me. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to have people tell me that I should just be glad to have a job. Don't you think I know that? Mostly, I am tired of driving two hours a day to work and miss that two hours a day with my family - even if my family consists of only my husband and 4 dogs.
When I started reading A New Earth and then subsequently moved on to researching Buddhism I reminded myself that when I found out that I had cancer I promised myself that I would have a lot of fun in this life. And when things were fun anymore then I would move to something else. I am just not having fun anymore. And because of that I am irritable and angry and do not like myself much. Whatever that means.
Anyway, in this economy it is a lousy time to look for a new job but I feel I must. Fun is the most important thing. "Living" this life is the most important thing. Being aware and living a good spiritual life is the most important thing. It ain't happening right now. And I HAVE to get back to it!