What to say?

Its interesting that I keep coming here, in fact I feel compelled to come here, and once I get here I have trouble coming up with something to say. So I'll try to come up with something that won't bore anyone.
Since I have started becoming more aware I tend to notice things more than I used to. Don't get me wrong......my mind is still full of static and I tend to wander in my mind still more than I want to.......but I am able to bring myself back into the present more than I used to be able to and I am much more calm than I used to be. I find that I don't get as angry, frustrated, or anxious as I used to. Its easier to tell folks that I love them and cherish their friendships. I have a new mantra - "I don't mind what happens". That doesn't mean that I LIKE everything that happens but I can accept it. Or at least I am trying. I have found that this life is alot easier if I can accept things that happen rather than fighting them. I don't know what caused my cancer but I do have a feeling that stress contributed greatly. So it is my wish to relieve the stress in my life. And by staying in the moment, not worrying about the future, and accepting the things that happen I can feel much more peace.
I am happy. I hope you are happy too.

A quick note about hair

Just a quick note about hair and it growing back. I think that I mentioned that most of my hair fell out and even my eyebrows and eyelashes continued to fall out even after chemo was done. And I noticed that my "beard", as I lovingly call it, had fallen out. So all that peach fuzz that lived on my face was gone. Oh blessing of blessings!! Hallelujah! Uh oh......that which falls back eventually will grow back - except my husband's hair which it appears will not come back. So I leaned into the mirror last night and took a good look. WOW! You know how I said that alot of time a woman who has been thru chemo will have hair that will grow back thicker, darker and sometimes curly? Well the beard is coming back in and guess what?! It's thicker! Not darker yet but I am waiting. But not only is it thicker but when it is growing it is growing straight out. I mean I have the hairs ALL over my face that are sticking straight out!!! It isn't pretty. My hair dresser may have to wax more than my eyebrows soon!
Anyway, I thought that might interest some of you to know that we should all be careful what we wish for! It might just come true!
Cheers!

What's next?

So, I was looking at my calendar today and happened to look at June. My next Oncologist appointment is June 13th. The week before I have to have blood drawn to have tumor markers measured. So I looked at what tests he had requested on my lab sheet and then decided to look those up and see what they mean. Here are the two that he requested: Cancer Antigen 27.29 (CA 27.29) and Carcinoembryonic Antigen (CEA). When I researched this I found the following: CA 27.29 test primarily measures metastatic carcinoma of the breast - which I do not have. So, of course, my ego got hold of me and briefly I freaked! My mind started telling me "stories" and I actually bought into them - as I said - briefly. Then I brought myself back to the present moment and realized that whatever I "think" MAY happen in the future is NOT REAL! Did you know that your body cannot tell the difference between a thought and the real thing? For example, if you hear a noise in your house at night and start to think, "Someone is breaking in!" then the body will react AS IF someone was really breaking in! Your heart rate will increase and your body will become stressed. Its wild! So my thoughts, about something of which I cannot control (btw), were making me crazy. So, here's my thought - HA - for the day: When your brain starts taking you somewhere in the future or the past - remember - there is nothing you can do about either one of those. The past cannot prevent you from being in the present moment and the future isn't even here yet - why worry? Worry is a waste of perfectly good time and energy.
When I go to the doctor he will tell me what he tells me. And in that moment I will accept whatever he says. Then, and only then, can I do anything about it.
Cheers to all! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

It is ALL OVER!

Today was the day of my last radiation. It is bittersweet because I have grown to appreciate my caregivers so much and I will miss them. But as I told them when I left, "I hope the next time I see you its in the grocery store or some place other than here!" They agreed. I imagine it is very hard for them also. They have a job where NO ONE wants to see them. The only people they see are sick. How hard! But I am more than estatic that it is over!!! My skin is glad also. My right breast feels like leather and looks pretty weird also. Its nice to have it in a place where it won't be seen by everyone though. The woman at the center with tonsil cancer had to lvie with her "leather skin" where everyone could see it. Just another thing to be grateful for!
I want to apologize if I have been "preaching". I am just putting down what is in my heart and sometimes I can get a little excited about my new found awareness.
So now it is seeing the Oncologist every three months for a while and a mammogram in about 5 months. I will have to see the Radiologist in 6 months. I have decided, however, to put it out of my mind. If it returns then I will deal with it. Otherwise I vow to LIVE my LIFE and enjoy every moment I can.
Thank you all for reading this and following my trip thru cancer. I have truly enjoyed putting my thoughts down here on this page. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Hair

I am getting some hair back now and have decided that I no longer need the hats. I have about 1/2" of hair on my head and I still get stares but I have decided that there is really no reason to hide myself behind a hat. It is as it is. In fact, I am more confortable in my own skin overall. I'm telling you that this book, A New Earth, has made me see life in a totally different way. I used to think that God was "out there somewhere" but now I know that He is everywhere. He is in the flower, in the air, in the trees, in me, etc. His presence is felt everywhere. I am a part of Him. We are all a part of Him. That realization has made me leave fear behind - or at least I am learning. All my old habits are still with me but I am at least aware of them now and can recognize when they enter my thoughts and I react in my old way.
There are not words to describe how blessed I feel to be alive. Everything is a blessing. Breathing is a blessing. Being able to walk, talk, and laugh are all blessings. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I am happy and I want you all to be happy also. Take each moment and accept it as it is and you will find that life becomes much easier to LIVE!
Only 2 more rads to go! I cannot believe I'm almost done!

4 more to go!!

I have 4 more rads to go! I can't believe it! I am very glad that I stopped being identified with my illness so that once it is over I can go back to feeling prefectly normal again. I used to worry about it coming back but worry is a waste of time and energy. It is in God's hands.
Physically I feel pretty good also. Radiation can do a number on one's skin and I had a little issue this past weekend with blistering and raw skin. But other than that I am tanned and my skin feels like leather. Can't imagine how this can be good for me?!
I recently saw my husband's brother-in-law (husband to Tom's deceased sister, Jane) and when he and one of his sons saw me I guess that it brought up memories for them of what Jane had been through. Of course, Jane was alot sicker than I and cancer finally took her life. But she always had the best attitude - always - even to the end. But I remember he said that her doctors had told her that they were going to give her medicines (chemo, etc) that would bring her to the point closest to death without killing her. My surgeon told me that its like trying to kill an ant with a hammer. Isn't that just crazy?
Anyway, I'm not complaining. I just wish that we were closer to preventing this from happening to others. I pray that one day we will be free of this disease (and many others) altogether.
I want each of you to know that I am happy and am getting healthy again. I am less stressed and less burdened with things that don't matter. I feel more alive than I ever have. Smells are sweeter, flowers are prettier, life is awesome.
I have had several people tell me that even after this craziness is all over that I should continue to write. I wish that I could. In fact, I really want to. But when I sit to write nothing new and original comes to me. I could bore you with loads of stories but just feel that would be a waste of everyone's time. So, I will write until I totally run out of things (important) to say. Knowing me and my mouth - it may take longer than I think.
Cheers to all!

Playing the victim

We all play the victim from time to time. It feeds the ego and allows us to feel like our worth is more than someone else. It makes us feel superior to others because we are going through more than anyone else. Our cross to bear is bigger..........our plight is worse......blah, blah, blah.
I'll get back to that in a minute.
The past few days have been wonderful for me. It has been a weekend full of wonderful moments! On last Saturday, Tom and I were invited to a wedding celebration for some friends and we had a blast! And then on Sunday we re-connected with some old friends that have moved back to NC from California. It was so great to see them and as far as I'm concerned you can NEVER have too many friends. Especially the ones you love so much. And then yesterday Tom and I went to a Van Halen concert in Raleigh and had such great seats! I have never sat that close to the stage before! It was awesome!
So, back to my other thoughts. I am a bit discombobulated (sp?) and women do not think linearly, anyway. So, I was lying on the table the other day getting my radiation treatment and all of a sudden my mind took me into the victim mode. It was as if I just realized where I was and what I was doing. I thought to myself, "I have cancer and I'm here having to go through this." And I immediately realized that it was my ego. So I became present again and it went away. I am not a victim. I am not someone who cancer happened to. I am not defined by this disease. I AM. This moment happened and I have become friends with it. My friend said the other day that she was riding one of her horses one day and it was a beautiful day and she thought, "This is a perfect day." And then she quickly realized that there are NO perfect days - there are only perfect moments. And actually only one moment - NOW - this moment. I have had more perfect moments since I have started becoming aware than I ever have had in my life. It is so simple. Where have I been before this? Why has it taken me 45 years to figure this out? I almost feel like I have been living in "sleep mode" and I have just woken up. And it is GREAT to finally be conscious!

Feeling Froggy

I love spring!!! The flowers are blooming and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and everythins seems so ALIVE! It makes me feel froggy!
I have 12 rads left!!! I am getting near the end and my hair is growing back and all is well with the world again! I'm finding that I need to write here less and less. Not that it doesn't help - its just that I find that I don't need that much help anymore. I would imagine as my time gets closer to the end that there will be fewer and fewer posts and one day I will ultimately stop. But it has been a true God-send to me to have this place to come and vent. I hope that all of you who have been reading can take something away from this even if its just hoping to never ever have to come back here and read any more of my rantings and ravings! I have certainly learned alot about myself and this disease that strikes so many.
I appreciate each of you for being here for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish for each of you peace and good health and may your days be FULL of wonderful moments! Each moment is precious and don't let the "stuff" of life get you down. Thanks again.