I heard on the radio someone said, "Last year today was actually tomorrow!" And it really was! Since it was 2/29 we had to get into a conversation about those folks who were born on 2/29 and how they celebrate their birthday. It would be really nice to be able to say, "oh, I'm only 11!" Oh well, women are supposed to lie about their age anyway!
Feeling pretty good today. Spirits are up and energy is coming back. I even walked a little outside today 'cause it was so pretty outdoors. Headed into my good week so am looking forward to it! Hubby and I are planning a celebration next Friday after my last treatment before it knocks me down. He has been so good to me!
Anyway, wanted to say that I've been down and back up and down again. The roller coaster ride is almost over and I sure am glad! Thanks for listening to my rantings! Cheers and Happy weekend!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Blogging in my head
I spent the day at home today - 1/2 in the bed and the other 1/2 trying to get connected to my office so that I can do work from home. We are almost there. I can connect to the office from my desktop but not from the laptop (wirelessly). And since when I am at home I am usually in need of staying in the bed then working from the desktop is not ideal. But we will get there. Right about the time that I am done with all this craziness. HA!
When something happens to me during the chemo side effects and I decide that I want to write about it I actually begin by writing it in my head. So here's what I blogged, in my head, at around 2:30AM this morning while I was waiting on another pain pill to work.
On Tuesday night as soon as I got home I had to take a Darvocet. The bone pain had kicked in and was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And about 45 minutes after taking the 1st Darvocet I had to take another. So I was pretty much a vegetable during the evening and sat on the couch and watched TV. I was getting ready to go to bed and Tom and Brandon were discussing the cell phone bill and I was trying to interject a comment and kept getting interrupted. So, needless to say, I got angry and hollered (that's Southern for yelled) at them and told them to "SHUT UP!" They just kind of looked at me and I apologized but continued saying what I had tried to say and then walked in our bedroom and slammed the door. I am a door slammer from way back. Anyway, as soon as I did that I went in our bathroom and I sat down and I cried. And I don't mean that I teared up - I mean I cried. I sobbed. I boo-hoo'd. I wept. I bawled. I wailed. I sniveled. And I hate to cry. I try to keep from crying because it makes my face puff up and my eyes swell and my nose run and gives me an awful headache. I mean I tear up but I don't cry. That changed last night.
I cried for hollering at Tom and Brandon because they don't deserve that. I cried because I feel so bad. I cried because I ache all over and I am so tired. I cried because I am bald and have put on weight and I just look awful to myself and feel like I look awful to others. I cried because my father died a few months ago and I miss him and never really got to grieve for him. I cried because I know that my mom is so lonely because she had lived with my father for almost 50 years. I cried because Tom's brother Paul died and I miss him and I know that others miss him also. I cried because I cannot imagine what his family must be going thru without him. I cried for everything that I hadn't cried about in forever. I walked out into the living room and apologized to Tom (after weeping in the bathroom for about 20 minutes) and he held me and let me cry some more. Then he took me into the bedroom and let me lie down and he sat with me while I cried some more. He said he had not seen me cry like that in a very long time. In fact, neither one of us can even remember the last time I cried like that. The only thing I know is that it has been a very long time since I cried in that way. And I think I could have continued crying but I made myself stop. We talked and he reminded me, AGAIN, that things are almost over.
I'm not sure how I feel now about having cried so much. I'm sure that it is very cathartic to get those emotions out from time to time and that I should feel better now. I'm just not sure that I do. Mostly I feel like I should be stronger than that. But I must have needed it. Otherwise I doubt that I would have wept like that. And let me tell you......I wept.
When something happens to me during the chemo side effects and I decide that I want to write about it I actually begin by writing it in my head. So here's what I blogged, in my head, at around 2:30AM this morning while I was waiting on another pain pill to work.
On Tuesday night as soon as I got home I had to take a Darvocet. The bone pain had kicked in and was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And about 45 minutes after taking the 1st Darvocet I had to take another. So I was pretty much a vegetable during the evening and sat on the couch and watched TV. I was getting ready to go to bed and Tom and Brandon were discussing the cell phone bill and I was trying to interject a comment and kept getting interrupted. So, needless to say, I got angry and hollered (that's Southern for yelled) at them and told them to "SHUT UP!" They just kind of looked at me and I apologized but continued saying what I had tried to say and then walked in our bedroom and slammed the door. I am a door slammer from way back. Anyway, as soon as I did that I went in our bathroom and I sat down and I cried. And I don't mean that I teared up - I mean I cried. I sobbed. I boo-hoo'd. I wept. I bawled. I wailed. I sniveled. And I hate to cry. I try to keep from crying because it makes my face puff up and my eyes swell and my nose run and gives me an awful headache. I mean I tear up but I don't cry. That changed last night.
I cried for hollering at Tom and Brandon because they don't deserve that. I cried because I feel so bad. I cried because I ache all over and I am so tired. I cried because I am bald and have put on weight and I just look awful to myself and feel like I look awful to others. I cried because my father died a few months ago and I miss him and never really got to grieve for him. I cried because I know that my mom is so lonely because she had lived with my father for almost 50 years. I cried because Tom's brother Paul died and I miss him and I know that others miss him also. I cried because I cannot imagine what his family must be going thru without him. I cried for everything that I hadn't cried about in forever. I walked out into the living room and apologized to Tom (after weeping in the bathroom for about 20 minutes) and he held me and let me cry some more. Then he took me into the bedroom and let me lie down and he sat with me while I cried some more. He said he had not seen me cry like that in a very long time. In fact, neither one of us can even remember the last time I cried like that. The only thing I know is that it has been a very long time since I cried in that way. And I think I could have continued crying but I made myself stop. We talked and he reminded me, AGAIN, that things are almost over.
I'm not sure how I feel now about having cried so much. I'm sure that it is very cathartic to get those emotions out from time to time and that I should feel better now. I'm just not sure that I do. Mostly I feel like I should be stronger than that. But I must have needed it. Otherwise I doubt that I would have wept like that. And let me tell you......I wept.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The pain is arriving.....
Neupogen sucks! I hate it. I mean its not like I love chemo or anything but those Neupogen shots are the worst! As I have mentioned they stimulate bone marrow production and because of that the bones ache. I have it worst in my back. It's like I would imagine that back spams would be - I can only imagine back spams because I have never had them. If you've been reading the blog the entire time then you know that the 1st round of chemo, when they gave me Neupogen shots, the shots put me in the bed for 2 days. And then the 2nd round I only ended up in the bed for 1 day. I am hoping for NO days this time! But if the pain continues like it has this afternoon then I will be in the bed tomorrow. At least, maybe, I can work a little from home if that is the case. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best.
This morning on the Morning show they discussed a person who had written a book about people and summing up one's life in 6 words. So I started thinking about it and even asked others to consider how they would sum their own lives up in 6 words. Ernest Hemingway was once challenged in a bar to write a story in only six words, a novel that would tell the whole story, and he wrote, 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' " Here's what I came up with for my own life - "Life happened: strenuous, challenging, educational, surreal". I think if you had asked me 6 months ago my response would have been different. And as my mom says that hers is even different, now that she is in the Winter of her life, than it would have been previously in her life. But all you can do is sum up your life as it is, or has been, up to now. Its just something interesting to consider. And its not as easy as you might think. Food for your thoughts today.
This morning on the Morning show they discussed a person who had written a book about people and summing up one's life in 6 words. So I started thinking about it and even asked others to consider how they would sum their own lives up in 6 words. Ernest Hemingway was once challenged in a bar to write a story in only six words, a novel that would tell the whole story, and he wrote, 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' " Here's what I came up with for my own life - "Life happened: strenuous, challenging, educational, surreal". I think if you had asked me 6 months ago my response would have been different. And as my mom says that hers is even different, now that she is in the Winter of her life, than it would have been previously in her life. But all you can do is sum up your life as it is, or has been, up to now. Its just something interesting to consider. And its not as easy as you might think. Food for your thoughts today.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Chemo and weight
When I first found out about the cancer and I started researching all the parts and pieces of treatment I discovered that alot of women going through chemo will GAIN weight. How could that happen, I wondered? Talk about insult to injury! And as I have discovered.....this awful fact is very true. And I read on the message boards that the onc. nurses encourage the women going thru chemo to eat and eat alot! No problem there since we have to try to find things that taste OK as our taste buds are weirded out due to the chemo!!
I am an emotional eater - always have been - and when something life-altering happens to me I find that I either eat everything in sight or I stop eating altogether. Unfortunately for me, most of the time, I eat everything in sight. But, back in college when my 1st grandmother died I found that I just stopped eating. In my sadness I just couldn't find the strength to even eat. Too bad this feeling didn't stay with me!
Last January (2007) I decided that I needed to lose weight and started exercising (more) and eating better. And within about 5 months I had lost 24 pounds. And I felt great! And I looked better than I had in a while. And I still worked at maintaining that and had planned to continue to maintain - even though I really wanted to lose more weight. And then my father died. And I found comfort in food during that period and put on a couple of pounds. Oh well, I thought, its only a couple......I'll be more diligent. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the eating began. Now I have put over 1/2 of that weight back on and am feeling more than a little disgusted at it. Not only do I feel unattractive because I have no hair but now I have put on the extra weight and that is NOT helping the situation. I am in a vicious cycle now - feel bad because I look bad so I eat and then I feel bad because I have put on weight which makes me look and feel bad and so on and so on. Now you see my problem. I know, I know.....this will be over soon and I can get back to exercising like I want and eating better and can take that weight off again - I hope. The older I get the harder it is to do.
I went to have my white blood counts done today and they were the lowest they have ever been. So.....you guessed it........another Neupogen shot. I was so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.....Tom shaved my head again last night. It is growing but growing in patches - he even said, "It's growing on the left side but hardly any on the right side." So, until it can grow uniformly I will continue to shave it - or have Tom shave it for me. To be quite honest with you it feels so good when its freshly shaved. I know that's weird but its true.
So, I'll let you know how the Neupogen shots affect me this time. Hopefully, they won't bother me at all. That's what I am praying for anyway! And I'd appreciate all your positive energy sent my way also!!! Thank you!!
I am an emotional eater - always have been - and when something life-altering happens to me I find that I either eat everything in sight or I stop eating altogether. Unfortunately for me, most of the time, I eat everything in sight. But, back in college when my 1st grandmother died I found that I just stopped eating. In my sadness I just couldn't find the strength to even eat. Too bad this feeling didn't stay with me!
Last January (2007) I decided that I needed to lose weight and started exercising (more) and eating better. And within about 5 months I had lost 24 pounds. And I felt great! And I looked better than I had in a while. And I still worked at maintaining that and had planned to continue to maintain - even though I really wanted to lose more weight. And then my father died. And I found comfort in food during that period and put on a couple of pounds. Oh well, I thought, its only a couple......I'll be more diligent. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the eating began. Now I have put over 1/2 of that weight back on and am feeling more than a little disgusted at it. Not only do I feel unattractive because I have no hair but now I have put on the extra weight and that is NOT helping the situation. I am in a vicious cycle now - feel bad because I look bad so I eat and then I feel bad because I have put on weight which makes me look and feel bad and so on and so on. Now you see my problem. I know, I know.....this will be over soon and I can get back to exercising like I want and eating better and can take that weight off again - I hope. The older I get the harder it is to do.
I went to have my white blood counts done today and they were the lowest they have ever been. So.....you guessed it........another Neupogen shot. I was so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.....Tom shaved my head again last night. It is growing but growing in patches - he even said, "It's growing on the left side but hardly any on the right side." So, until it can grow uniformly I will continue to shave it - or have Tom shave it for me. To be quite honest with you it feels so good when its freshly shaved. I know that's weird but its true.
So, I'll let you know how the Neupogen shots affect me this time. Hopefully, they won't bother me at all. That's what I am praying for anyway! And I'd appreciate all your positive energy sent my way also!!! Thank you!!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Somebody SLAP ME!!!
Do you guys remember the movie "Airplane"? Do you remember in that movie when the lady on the plane was "losing it" and everyone started lining up to slap her? Y'all need to do that to me! I'm sure that I have said this before but when I feel bad, physically, then it depresses me and I am way more "down". After each treatment I feel bad, I come here and y'all serve me cheese with my WHINE and then I begin to feel better and I get back up and fight. Well here we are again at that point. I always feel a little guilty and more than a little ashamed when I WHINE about my plight (there's always someone worse off than I) once I begin to feel better. But while I'm in the middle of it, "whiny" is completely how I feel. Please bear with me when I am in this state. I am now coming out of it. And then I go on Mondays (approximately 10 days after my treatment) and they draw blood and check those white blood counts and give me a shot that makes me feel bad again and then I am depressed again and then........ AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! It is such a vicious cycle! Please hang in there with me as I only have 1 more round to go! I appreciate your patience with me during this time.
I have determined thru my side effects, and reading about the side effects of others, that a person going thru chemo is only supposed to have 1 good week during each round. And that is the week right before the next round. That is the week when your bone marrow starts growing and the white blood counts go back up to normal. And then they hit you again. Boo Hiss!!!
Really the only thing that is bothering me at this time is the yucky mouth. I can't describe it other than to say that it feels like I have fuzz in my mouth. I drink liquids and yet my mouth feels dry even while drinking. It feels like my tongue is swollen and when I look at it there is a white film on it. And it feels like my breath really stinks so I am super-conscious about it. It is actually pretty gross. But when I think about some of the things that other women on the board describe I feel blessed that I have this little issue. "I am not minimizing, Lynne!" I just know that things could be loads worse.
I know y'all think I'm sczhophrenic, don't you? Who said that?
So I am nearing the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and can see the light. Tom and I discussed this last night and he says that next year at this time all of this will be a distant memory. I sure hope so. I don't have a very good memory and this is one that I would LOVE to forget!
Cheers to all and here's hoping your weekends are wonderful!
I have determined thru my side effects, and reading about the side effects of others, that a person going thru chemo is only supposed to have 1 good week during each round. And that is the week right before the next round. That is the week when your bone marrow starts growing and the white blood counts go back up to normal. And then they hit you again. Boo Hiss!!!
Really the only thing that is bothering me at this time is the yucky mouth. I can't describe it other than to say that it feels like I have fuzz in my mouth. I drink liquids and yet my mouth feels dry even while drinking. It feels like my tongue is swollen and when I look at it there is a white film on it. And it feels like my breath really stinks so I am super-conscious about it. It is actually pretty gross. But when I think about some of the things that other women on the board describe I feel blessed that I have this little issue. "I am not minimizing, Lynne!" I just know that things could be loads worse.
I know y'all think I'm sczhophrenic, don't you? Who said that?
So I am nearing the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and can see the light. Tom and I discussed this last night and he says that next year at this time all of this will be a distant memory. I sure hope so. I don't have a very good memory and this is one that I would LOVE to forget!
Cheers to all and here's hoping your weekends are wonderful!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday after Round 3
I am back at work but still don't feel well. Nausea comes and goes but the aches are here to stay it seems. My body just aches all the time now. The aches have been much worse this time than last. Each round has been a little different.
I feel awful. I look awful. I am blue.
It will pass. I'm ready for it to pass.
I feel awful. I look awful. I am blue.
It will pass. I'm ready for it to pass.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday and a little better
Its Tuesday and I am up and feeling a little better. Last night I had a slight fever (99.8) and we had to watch because if it gets to 100.4 you are supposed to either go to the doctor or to the hospital. Never went any higher than that though so I am OK. Was very achy so took some pain pills and slept alot in the past few days. And still feel like I could sleep again. Actually did some work from home today - nothing too strenuous - installing software - so was actually a little bit productive. It took everything I had to get out of bed this morning though. Tom was upset with me yesterday because I stayed in bed all day but I just didn't want to get up. And I still didn't want to get up today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am feeling more depressed the further into this that I go. And that's kind of stupid because I am 3/4 done with chemo! You would have thought I would have been more depressed at the beginning, right? I think I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I ache, I'm sore, food doesn't taste right, the inside of my mouth tastes awful, I'm out of breath........I'm sad. I just want all of this to be over so I can get back to living! Right now I feel as though I am merely existing. I don't like feeling this way.
I am so tired.
I am so tired.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Round 3
Its Monday and I am lying here in the bed. Did pretty well on Friday and Saturday, as per usual, and then Sunday slept most of the day and today has been the worst. My body aches and I am so sleepy and tired. Side effects are following the same path, though, so tomorrow I should begin coming out of it. Brandon is sick and so is one of my dogs so I'm just hoping that I don't get it. I'm hoping that the aching bones are just the chemo killing the fast growing cells. It would be really bad to get the flu right now - or even a cold, according to the Onc. nurses!
Anyway, sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I think the longer this thing goes on the more tired I am and the more "down" I feel. In another month I will be so close to being done with all chemo has to offer so I am in the short rows now. I just have to keep remembering that. I can safely say that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, I'll try to be more interesting in the days to come. Here's hoping that I can hang in there for a little while longer!
Anyway, sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I think the longer this thing goes on the more tired I am and the more "down" I feel. In another month I will be so close to being done with all chemo has to offer so I am in the short rows now. I just have to keep remembering that. I can safely say that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, I'll try to be more interesting in the days to come. Here's hoping that I can hang in there for a little while longer!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Hairless Head
As most of you know, or have seen, I am bald. I have mostly embraced being bald - I didn't wait for my hair to fall out totally - we went ahead and shaved my head before that happened - and for the most part I am OK with it. I have, however, decided to wear hats, scarves ar a wig to work and to the store, etc. I walk around bald at home some but even there I tend to wear a hat. And I know I have mentioned before that I am very vain. I saw Robin Roberts from Good Morning America walk down the runway in a red dress and a bald head and I applauded her courage! I read on the message boards about women who go totally bald everywhere and I am amazed. I thought, maybe, I could do that also. But I have yet to do it. For one thing, I see a bald head as “a billboard that shouts ‘I have cancer,’” which, of course, is true. And the pity looks that I get are a bit much to take sometimes. And it makes others uncomfortable. Is that really why? Or am I just afraid that people will think I am "less attractive" than I used to be? Maybe they won't like me anymore because I don't have hair? What am I so afraid of?
Baldness is surprisingly liberating. And I found that the reality of being bald was not nearly as bad as the anticipation of being bald - I mean it feels great! But where is the courage to show it? If its OK to be bald then why do I have so much trouble walking around with it in your face, so to speak? The hot flashes make me want to remove me head covering and the people that work most close to me have seen my bald head and they don't care. But I will not walk from building to building or even department to dept. without covering my head! A woman in the break room today asked me why I don't just leave the hat behind and go bald? She saw me tugging at the hat (I was probably having another hot flash and was sweating to death) and said that she thought if she were going thru "it" then she would most likely go bald. But then she said, "But then you never know for sure until you go through it." My husband's nephew spent the night at our house last night and I was concerned that he would see me bald walking around my own house? What is wrong with me? Why do I not have the courage? Where can I pick some up? I struggle with this every time I look in the mirror.
I told my friends when I found out that I would lose my hair that I didn't think it would bother me. I lied but I didn't know that I was lying until recently. I never knew that when I look in the mirror at my bald head that it would bother me as much as it does now. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary. And then I see people whose hair is so gorgeous and I just want some hair back!! Any hair on my head would be a blessing.
OK, enough. I'm OK. I just had to get that off my chest! It will grow back and be better than before! I have to believe that!
Thanks for listening. And its OK if you don't know what to say. Speak to me from your heart but don't inundate me with platitudes about hair and how great I look without it. I know the truth. Just laugh at it with me. Because if I don't laugh I may cry.
Baldness is surprisingly liberating. And I found that the reality of being bald was not nearly as bad as the anticipation of being bald - I mean it feels great! But where is the courage to show it? If its OK to be bald then why do I have so much trouble walking around with it in your face, so to speak? The hot flashes make me want to remove me head covering and the people that work most close to me have seen my bald head and they don't care. But I will not walk from building to building or even department to dept. without covering my head! A woman in the break room today asked me why I don't just leave the hat behind and go bald? She saw me tugging at the hat (I was probably having another hot flash and was sweating to death) and said that she thought if she were going thru "it" then she would most likely go bald. But then she said, "But then you never know for sure until you go through it." My husband's nephew spent the night at our house last night and I was concerned that he would see me bald walking around my own house? What is wrong with me? Why do I not have the courage? Where can I pick some up? I struggle with this every time I look in the mirror.
I told my friends when I found out that I would lose my hair that I didn't think it would bother me. I lied but I didn't know that I was lying until recently. I never knew that when I look in the mirror at my bald head that it would bother me as much as it does now. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary. And then I see people whose hair is so gorgeous and I just want some hair back!! Any hair on my head would be a blessing.
OK, enough. I'm OK. I just had to get that off my chest! It will grow back and be better than before! I have to believe that!
Thanks for listening. And its OK if you don't know what to say. Speak to me from your heart but don't inundate me with platitudes about hair and how great I look without it. I know the truth. Just laugh at it with me. Because if I don't laugh I may cry.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Never, Never, Never say it!
I am a sports fan - huge sports fan (fanatic actually) - and I know that in baseball when a man is pitching a no hitter that you NEVER say, "He's pitching a NO HITTER!!" because as soon as you say it "WHACK" - out of the park the ball goes or even just a hit is sure to occur. So, my point is that I should have NEVER said anything about being able to sleep well. Last night I didn't sleep worth a darn! Woke up very hour on the hour - it seemed - and when I did manage to sleep I had the most bizarre dreams!!! I kept dreaming about trying on dresses? I just couldn't find the right one! And I don't even wear dresses!!! So weird!!
Well guys I feel pretty good - just in time for Poisoning #3! But it will mean that I will be 3/4 thru chemo and one more step closer to the end of April when chemo and rads will be done!!! I have 35 days of rads, if I remember correctly, but the radiologist says that they are short visits - about 30 minutes a day for 35 days, and fatigue is the only side effect. For that I will be thankful.
Anyway, not much to say today other than thank you all for your cards and letters and emails and cookies and WOW - I had no idea that so many folks cared or that I was so popular! I am so grateful that so many of you take time out of your day to even think of me. I know everyone has their own "stuff to worry about" without having to "worry" about me too. But I thank you for doing so. It helps me very much!
The end of this madness is in sight!!!
Well guys I feel pretty good - just in time for Poisoning #3! But it will mean that I will be 3/4 thru chemo and one more step closer to the end of April when chemo and rads will be done!!! I have 35 days of rads, if I remember correctly, but the radiologist says that they are short visits - about 30 minutes a day for 35 days, and fatigue is the only side effect. For that I will be thankful.
Anyway, not much to say today other than thank you all for your cards and letters and emails and cookies and WOW - I had no idea that so many folks cared or that I was so popular! I am so grateful that so many of you take time out of your day to even think of me. I know everyone has their own "stuff to worry about" without having to "worry" about me too. But I thank you for doing so. It helps me very much!
The end of this madness is in sight!!!
Monday, February 11, 2008
A Good Week
This is my week before my 3rd treatment (WooHoo!!) on Friday. This is the week when I feel the best of all of them. I had an OK weekend - other than a stomach thing that I won't bother you with - and even managed to get some of my house cleaned. My husband did most of it even though he had dog trials all weekend. Isn't he great!? He's the best wife a woman could have! I find that I get fatigued so easily now. I used to be able to clean the bathroom all at once. But Sunday I had to clean the tub and take a break. Then the toilet and take a break. Then the sinks and take a break. It was ridiculous!
So I went to lunch on Saturday with my good friend, Lynne, and she told me that I looked good. And I expect that she would tell me the truth. But when I look in the mirror I DO NOT look like Wendy. And it's not just the missing hair. It seems that my eyes are baggier (is that even a word?) and my skin is yucky looking. I look very tired. And I really sleep pretty good. The ladies on the message boards complain about not being able to sleep but I truly have had litle issues with sleeping. But back to the way I look. And please don't think that I am saying this so that people will tell me "you look great!" I am writing this because it is how I feel. I am writing this entire blog because I have to have a place to get these feelings out or I'll go nuts!
I look terrible! I'm not Wendy anymore. I know I am no beauty queen anyway but I always thought that I was at least average looking. Now you could throw me in a pond and skim ugly for a week!!! And I know its because I'm sick. I look older also. And I really didn't need any help there. Every year that goes by the wrinkles become more prominent! I hate wrinkles!!! And yes, I am extremely vain! I know it. It is one, of many, of my bad personality traits. I find myself not meeting the eyes of people when I am out and about now. I keep my head up but I look past people - I think maybe because I don't like to see the pity in their eyes. Or the shock at no hair. What's kind of funny to me though is when I see someone and they talk to me like nothing is different and you know they are thinking, "She's bald! Wonder why she's bald?" But yet they keep on talking like nothing is wrong. And I know they just don't know what to say. But I'd really rather them say - "Hey, What's up with you?" So there it is - I am increasingly depressed about the way I look. But its OK. I won't look this way forever.
So this Thusday is Valentine's Day. When you've been married a long time you tend to take each other for granted and not do the romantic things as much as you used to. So, it was funny when I asked my husband if we could go to Ichiban (for those that don't know this is a Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and you sit at a table with loads more folks - no privacy) and he said sure! And we even discussed who we could invite to join us! But sometimes its kind of nice to go out with other folks, even on VD, because if you go out alone you end up talking about the kids, or money issues, or something very unromantic anyway. So, we will be at Ichiban if anyone wants to join us! We figure the more the merrier!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent again. Hopefully, it won't be as boring in a few days. I'm guessing that there are loads more Blog posts that are more interesting than this one. But actually I'm very glad its boring sometimes. That just means that my cancer is not getting the best of me - even though its seems like it sometimes! I will WIN in the end - Lord willing and the creek don't rise!
So I went to lunch on Saturday with my good friend, Lynne, and she told me that I looked good. And I expect that she would tell me the truth. But when I look in the mirror I DO NOT look like Wendy. And it's not just the missing hair. It seems that my eyes are baggier (is that even a word?) and my skin is yucky looking. I look very tired. And I really sleep pretty good. The ladies on the message boards complain about not being able to sleep but I truly have had litle issues with sleeping. But back to the way I look. And please don't think that I am saying this so that people will tell me "you look great!" I am writing this because it is how I feel. I am writing this entire blog because I have to have a place to get these feelings out or I'll go nuts!
I look terrible! I'm not Wendy anymore. I know I am no beauty queen anyway but I always thought that I was at least average looking. Now you could throw me in a pond and skim ugly for a week!!! And I know its because I'm sick. I look older also. And I really didn't need any help there. Every year that goes by the wrinkles become more prominent! I hate wrinkles!!! And yes, I am extremely vain! I know it. It is one, of many, of my bad personality traits. I find myself not meeting the eyes of people when I am out and about now. I keep my head up but I look past people - I think maybe because I don't like to see the pity in their eyes. Or the shock at no hair. What's kind of funny to me though is when I see someone and they talk to me like nothing is different and you know they are thinking, "She's bald! Wonder why she's bald?" But yet they keep on talking like nothing is wrong. And I know they just don't know what to say. But I'd really rather them say - "Hey, What's up with you?" So there it is - I am increasingly depressed about the way I look. But its OK. I won't look this way forever.
So this Thusday is Valentine's Day. When you've been married a long time you tend to take each other for granted and not do the romantic things as much as you used to. So, it was funny when I asked my husband if we could go to Ichiban (for those that don't know this is a Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and you sit at a table with loads more folks - no privacy) and he said sure! And we even discussed who we could invite to join us! But sometimes its kind of nice to go out with other folks, even on VD, because if you go out alone you end up talking about the kids, or money issues, or something very unromantic anyway. So, we will be at Ichiban if anyone wants to join us! We figure the more the merrier!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent again. Hopefully, it won't be as boring in a few days. I'm guessing that there are loads more Blog posts that are more interesting than this one. But actually I'm very glad its boring sometimes. That just means that my cancer is not getting the best of me - even though its seems like it sometimes! I will WIN in the end - Lord willing and the creek don't rise!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Day 15 of 2nd round
Its Saturday and I feel pretty good except my tummy is not happy today for some reason. Other than running to the bathroom I am doing well. Nausea hit me again this morning - strange that it is so much worse this time?! Hot flashes are frequent and annoying. Shaved head and legs this morning - head was getting some new growth in some spots so just evened it out. Legs had been let go, as I mentioned before, but I decided I would go ahead and do my husband a favor - Valentine's Day is around the corner after all - and get smooth legs. I noticed that the hair on my legs above the knee was gone but below the knee it is hanging on.
The doc and I talked about changing my schedule to Thursday but realized that this Thursday is VD so we decided to leave it as is. I should feel good enough to do VD - even though most of you who know me know that I think VD is a day created by Hallmark, Florists, and chocolatiers to sell those items. I usually ask for a Goo Goo Cluster and that is all I want. I'm watching Rachel Ray right now and getting some ideas of things maybe I can cook on VD instead of going out. Although Ichiban sounds really good. Tom and I don't go out to eat much anymore since we got our dogs. We would rather go get something and bring it home and hang out with our dogs. Since Brandon is grown our babies are our dogs. I just love them. And I think I will tell you about them since I don't have any side effects to complain about right now. Read on if you are interested - otherwise come back sometime next week when I have round 3!
We have two dogs and they are pure bred Vizslas. They are Hungarian bird dogs - short haired rust red. They are a smaller red version of a Wiemeraner (sp?). Vizslas have red noses, red toenails and golden eyes. They are beautiful. Look them up on AKC.org. They are excitable dogs and have to have lots of exercise. But they are very loving and are sometimes called Velcro dogs because they have to be with a human at all times. They hate to be left alone. Take it from me - we got one (our male, Jax, is 2 1/2 years old) and he ate our furniture! So we got another - our female, Reese (1 year old on 2/19) and he calmed down. Of course, Reese is our devil dog. You've heard people say,"if my 2nd child had been my first they would have been my only child." That's the way Tom and I feel about Reese. In fact, we named her with AKC C.B. Deville which lovingly stands for Crazy B!+ch Devil! She is a handful! But they are so great. We love them lots and take them everywhere we go, if possible. They travel very well and have been loads of places. In fact, we look for places we can go on vacation where we can take them. When we went on our cruise we both missed them terribly. What would we do without our babies!?
Anyway, I hadn't blogged anything in a few days so I thought I'd let everyone know I am doing well. I am back up and fighting again - Pity Party is over and I am blessed to begin feeling strong again! If I could just get rid of the nausea then I would be perfect! Oh well, this too shall pass also.
Hope all has/had a great weekend!
Cheers!
The doc and I talked about changing my schedule to Thursday but realized that this Thursday is VD so we decided to leave it as is. I should feel good enough to do VD - even though most of you who know me know that I think VD is a day created by Hallmark, Florists, and chocolatiers to sell those items. I usually ask for a Goo Goo Cluster and that is all I want. I'm watching Rachel Ray right now and getting some ideas of things maybe I can cook on VD instead of going out. Although Ichiban sounds really good. Tom and I don't go out to eat much anymore since we got our dogs. We would rather go get something and bring it home and hang out with our dogs. Since Brandon is grown our babies are our dogs. I just love them. And I think I will tell you about them since I don't have any side effects to complain about right now. Read on if you are interested - otherwise come back sometime next week when I have round 3!
We have two dogs and they are pure bred Vizslas. They are Hungarian bird dogs - short haired rust red. They are a smaller red version of a Wiemeraner (sp?). Vizslas have red noses, red toenails and golden eyes. They are beautiful. Look them up on AKC.org. They are excitable dogs and have to have lots of exercise. But they are very loving and are sometimes called Velcro dogs because they have to be with a human at all times. They hate to be left alone. Take it from me - we got one (our male, Jax, is 2 1/2 years old) and he ate our furniture! So we got another - our female, Reese (1 year old on 2/19) and he calmed down. Of course, Reese is our devil dog. You've heard people say,"if my 2nd child had been my first they would have been my only child." That's the way Tom and I feel about Reese. In fact, we named her with AKC C.B. Deville which lovingly stands for Crazy B!+ch Devil! She is a handful! But they are so great. We love them lots and take them everywhere we go, if possible. They travel very well and have been loads of places. In fact, we look for places we can go on vacation where we can take them. When we went on our cruise we both missed them terribly. What would we do without our babies!?
Anyway, I hadn't blogged anything in a few days so I thought I'd let everyone know I am doing well. I am back up and fighting again - Pity Party is over and I am blessed to begin feeling strong again! If I could just get rid of the nausea then I would be perfect! Oh well, this too shall pass also.
Hope all has/had a great weekend!
Cheers!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Pity Party for one
Yesterday in the breakroom at work a lovely young lady told me she was proud of how I am handling this cancer and how I seem to always be upbeat. I told her that she should know that I have my moments - down when I don't feel like getting back up - everyone knows those moments. Well, I had one last night. I had a Pity Party for one. I had been so glad that the Neupogen shot hadn't given me the pain as bad as last time and was able to manage it with Tylenol. But as the day wore on and I kept taking more and more Tylenol I realized that the pain was worsening. By the time I got home I had to take a Darvocet. About 1 1/2 hours later I took another and by the time I went to bed at around 10pm I took another. And then another at 2AM and at 6AM when I finally got out of bed I decided to see if the 3 Tylenol would do it. I took them and went on to the lab, got blood drawn and then waited to see if I needed another shot. Fortunately, no more shots were needed but I came back home and took another Darvocet. I am now in bed and in pain. This sucks. So last night when the pain started ramping up and I lay in the bed trying to sleep and waiting on the pain pill to work I had a pity party. I even teared up which I haven't done but twice since this whole thing started. And Tom was there to talk me thru it and tell me that I am 1/2 done and in a year this will be a distant memory. I am telling you this because I want all of you who see me everyday putting on a brave face to know that I still am human. There's nothing special about me or my attitude. I am doing what any one of you would do when faced with something of this magnitude - I am doing the best I can. And sometimes my best is better than other times. But encouraging words and smiles really do help me. So keep them coming.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Bones aching and my husband
I managed NOT to get the same achy bones that I had last time they gave me the Neupogen shot. I feel kind of like I have the flu (achy but not painful) but it is nothing like last time. I rec'd another shot today and tomorrow they will check my wbc's and hopefully I can do without another shot. I am just thankful that the shot didn't give me the same side effects as last time. I can handle a few aches and pains.
My husband is so great. Some of you know that he had a brain tumor back in 2000-2001 and during that time I tried my best to remain positive and upbeat and so did he. He didn't tell alot of people about it but those that knew were amazed at how upbeat he was about the whole thing. And if you ask him about it now he will tell you that his sister, Jane, is the one that taught him that other people will react to your bad news in the way that you react. If you fall apart then they will fall apart. If you are strong then they will be strong also. And it is so true!! Jane died of cancer many years ago but she was the most brave person I have ever known and she taught us so much about dealing with bad news. So now Tom is helping me thru this cancer. And he is being great! Together we are being very positive in our actions and emotions and it helps so much. I can't tell you how much easier this whole thing has been because I have Tom with me. God surely blessed me with my husband, Tom. He knew one day I would need Tom's strength (and humor) to help me get through my toughest struggle to date. And he helps me in more ways that I can even tell you about here.
I am doing well. I hope that each of you remember to thank those people in your lives without whom you would be less of a person. And thank them often. They will appreciate hearing it and you will feel good about telling them. Pass on the lurve........that one's for you, Tom!
My husband is so great. Some of you know that he had a brain tumor back in 2000-2001 and during that time I tried my best to remain positive and upbeat and so did he. He didn't tell alot of people about it but those that knew were amazed at how upbeat he was about the whole thing. And if you ask him about it now he will tell you that his sister, Jane, is the one that taught him that other people will react to your bad news in the way that you react. If you fall apart then they will fall apart. If you are strong then they will be strong also. And it is so true!! Jane died of cancer many years ago but she was the most brave person I have ever known and she taught us so much about dealing with bad news. So now Tom is helping me thru this cancer. And he is being great! Together we are being very positive in our actions and emotions and it helps so much. I can't tell you how much easier this whole thing has been because I have Tom with me. God surely blessed me with my husband, Tom. He knew one day I would need Tom's strength (and humor) to help me get through my toughest struggle to date. And he helps me in more ways that I can even tell you about here.
I am doing well. I hope that each of you remember to thank those people in your lives without whom you would be less of a person. And thank them often. They will appreciate hearing it and you will feel good about telling them. Pass on the lurve........that one's for you, Tom!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Oh No........Neupogen again!!!
But I feel so good!!!!! That's what I told the nurse when she told me that my wbc's were very low and she would have to give me another Neupogen shot. And she said that one thing has nothing to do with the other. While I was sitting in the waiting room after having the blood drawn and waiting to see if my counts were OK I kept saying to myself, "the wbc's are going to be good this time and I WILL NOT have to have another shot!" I kept repeating it to myself and then when she called me and walked into the room with a shot I said, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!" I was very upset! Those shots (I have to have another one tomorrow) are sooooooo painful! The shot itself is like any other shot going in - stings but otherwise OK - but the morning after it makes my bones ache! I just KNEW I would be OK this time because I felt so good! But no such luck! So I have the Darvocet ready! Maybe I won't need it this time! I am trying to be positive! Trying so hard! I know....too many !!!!!! in that paragraph.
So, I am repeating myself again in these blog posts. Sorry.
Now let's just discuss hair for a moment. As I have posted previously my head is completely bald. Tom and I did that when it began to "patch bald" so bad that it looked funny. So off it came and its OK......it will re-grow in a few months. The hair under my arms has stopped growing altogether and that's a bit of a blessing also. Less shaving and when I start radiation they tell me that I won't be able to shave under that arm anyway - or use deoderant, so watch out!!! I may start to smell! However, there is one place (actually 2 places) that I was truly hoping I could watch the hair fall out and laugh and laugh while it was happening...........and that is my legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, a little known secret is that in the winter I tend to let that hair go (hey, it keeps me warm) and so I was hoping to watch it fall out. Well, for some reason it is hanging on for dear life! And the peach fuzz on my face - which I lovingly refer to as "my beard" - for you ladies who are older (over 40) it will come your way soon - it is hanging on also! Now I am glad that the eyebrows and eyelashes have not "turned loose" because I will look REALLY strange without them but the rest of it - and I do mean all of it every where - can just go on and leave for all I care! You would think that the hair on other places of the body would have fallen out sooner than the hair on my head - WOULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT THAT ALSO? Too bad one can't pick and choose the Side Effects that they want........HA, there's a thought.
So there are my thoughts for the day - as you can see when you don't have to worry about your cellular service you have time to worry about other things! I know, I watch too much TV!
Cheers to all and better days ahead!
So, I am repeating myself again in these blog posts. Sorry.
Now let's just discuss hair for a moment. As I have posted previously my head is completely bald. Tom and I did that when it began to "patch bald" so bad that it looked funny. So off it came and its OK......it will re-grow in a few months. The hair under my arms has stopped growing altogether and that's a bit of a blessing also. Less shaving and when I start radiation they tell me that I won't be able to shave under that arm anyway - or use deoderant, so watch out!!! I may start to smell! However, there is one place (actually 2 places) that I was truly hoping I could watch the hair fall out and laugh and laugh while it was happening...........and that is my legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, a little known secret is that in the winter I tend to let that hair go (hey, it keeps me warm) and so I was hoping to watch it fall out. Well, for some reason it is hanging on for dear life! And the peach fuzz on my face - which I lovingly refer to as "my beard" - for you ladies who are older (over 40) it will come your way soon - it is hanging on also! Now I am glad that the eyebrows and eyelashes have not "turned loose" because I will look REALLY strange without them but the rest of it - and I do mean all of it every where - can just go on and leave for all I care! You would think that the hair on other places of the body would have fallen out sooner than the hair on my head - WOULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT THAT ALSO? Too bad one can't pick and choose the Side Effects that they want........HA, there's a thought.
So there are my thoughts for the day - as you can see when you don't have to worry about your cellular service you have time to worry about other things! I know, I watch too much TV!
Cheers to all and better days ahead!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Yuck!
I have a mild case of thrush mouth and it is yucky! The inside of my mouth feels so strange an I feel like my breath is horrible! The doctor had given me some magic mouthwash for my sore throat last treatment (which I haven't had at all this time) which I am using in hopes that it will take care of the issue. As it is not painful yet - only yucky - I guess I should be glad about that. I am trying to see the positive in all of this. I read the message boards and know that it could be worse! Lots of women have waaaayyyyy more issues than I have had. In fact, other than fatigue, I have been blessed with a easy "row to hoe".
Hey guys, I have had a couple of friends ask me if that last post was telling them that they have "told (me) what to do too much". That last post was just to let people know that even well meaning folks can push too hard for their friend to do things a certain way or make sure that they try this or try that to help them thru their issue. And suggestions can be helpful. But those same suggestions also can be frustrating for us as we weed thru the minutia and figure out how to save our lives. I mentioned my brother-in-law's wife who minimized my cancer.........breast cancer these days is NOT like it used to be. It is NOT an automatic death sentence. Great leaps and bounds have been made in medicine and even the chemo that I am taking is WAY better than chemo used to be. But everyone seems to know best and what they say for you to do is the only thing that will help you........and so on. All I am saying is that you NEVER know how you will react to something until you actually face it. And deciding what to do about my breast cancer was an extreme lesson in soul searching. I have learned alot about myself because I have had to face this. And I have learned alot about others - some good and some bad. But in the end, I made the decision and I am living (with a BIG emphasis on LIVING) with my decision. And I know what's BEST for me.
I feel better everyday. A little bit stronger and a little more positive with each passing day. I have put on weight (which I hate) but was told that might happen. When this is over I will have to get back into the Eating better and Exercising more frame of mind again and take it back off.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend. I go for blood work on Monday. Pray for good wbc's!!!
Hey guys, I have had a couple of friends ask me if that last post was telling them that they have "told (me) what to do too much". That last post was just to let people know that even well meaning folks can push too hard for their friend to do things a certain way or make sure that they try this or try that to help them thru their issue. And suggestions can be helpful. But those same suggestions also can be frustrating for us as we weed thru the minutia and figure out how to save our lives. I mentioned my brother-in-law's wife who minimized my cancer.........breast cancer these days is NOT like it used to be. It is NOT an automatic death sentence. Great leaps and bounds have been made in medicine and even the chemo that I am taking is WAY better than chemo used to be. But everyone seems to know best and what they say for you to do is the only thing that will help you........and so on. All I am saying is that you NEVER know how you will react to something until you actually face it. And deciding what to do about my breast cancer was an extreme lesson in soul searching. I have learned alot about myself because I have had to face this. And I have learned alot about others - some good and some bad. But in the end, I made the decision and I am living (with a BIG emphasis on LIVING) with my decision. And I know what's BEST for me.
I feel better everyday. A little bit stronger and a little more positive with each passing day. I have put on weight (which I hate) but was told that might happen. When this is over I will have to get back into the Eating better and Exercising more frame of mind again and take it back off.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend. I go for blood work on Monday. Pray for good wbc's!!!
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