Blogging in my head

I spent the day at home today - 1/2 in the bed and the other 1/2 trying to get connected to my office so that I can do work from home. We are almost there. I can connect to the office from my desktop but not from the laptop (wirelessly). And since when I am at home I am usually in need of staying in the bed then working from the desktop is not ideal. But we will get there. Right about the time that I am done with all this craziness. HA!
When something happens to me during the chemo side effects and I decide that I want to write about it I actually begin by writing it in my head. So here's what I blogged, in my head, at around 2:30AM this morning while I was waiting on another pain pill to work.
On Tuesday night as soon as I got home I had to take a Darvocet. The bone pain had kicked in and was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And about 45 minutes after taking the 1st Darvocet I had to take another. So I was pretty much a vegetable during the evening and sat on the couch and watched TV. I was getting ready to go to bed and Tom and Brandon were discussing the cell phone bill and I was trying to interject a comment and kept getting interrupted. So, needless to say, I got angry and hollered (that's Southern for yelled) at them and told them to "SHUT UP!" They just kind of looked at me and I apologized but continued saying what I had tried to say and then walked in our bedroom and slammed the door. I am a door slammer from way back. Anyway, as soon as I did that I went in our bathroom and I sat down and I cried. And I don't mean that I teared up - I mean I cried. I sobbed. I boo-hoo'd. I wept. I bawled. I wailed. I sniveled. And I hate to cry. I try to keep from crying because it makes my face puff up and my eyes swell and my nose run and gives me an awful headache. I mean I tear up but I don't cry. That changed last night.
I cried for hollering at Tom and Brandon because they don't deserve that. I cried because I feel so bad. I cried because I ache all over and I am so tired. I cried because I am bald and have put on weight and I just look awful to myself and feel like I look awful to others. I cried because my father died a few months ago and I miss him and never really got to grieve for him. I cried because I know that my mom is so lonely because she had lived with my father for almost 50 years. I cried because Tom's brother Paul died and I miss him and I know that others miss him also. I cried because I cannot imagine what his family must be going thru without him. I cried for everything that I hadn't cried about in forever. I walked out into the living room and apologized to Tom (after weeping in the bathroom for about 20 minutes) and he held me and let me cry some more. Then he took me into the bedroom and let me lie down and he sat with me while I cried some more. He said he had not seen me cry like that in a very long time. In fact, neither one of us can even remember the last time I cried like that. The only thing I know is that it has been a very long time since I cried in that way. And I think I could have continued crying but I made myself stop. We talked and he reminded me, AGAIN, that things are almost over.
I'm not sure how I feel now about having cried so much. I'm sure that it is very cathartic to get those emotions out from time to time and that I should feel better now. I'm just not sure that I do. Mostly I feel like I should be stronger than that. But I must have needed it. Otherwise I doubt that I would have wept like that. And let me tell you......I wept.