Pity Party for one

Yesterday in the breakroom at work a lovely young lady told me she was proud of how I am handling this cancer and how I seem to always be upbeat. I told her that she should know that I have my moments - down when I don't feel like getting back up - everyone knows those moments. Well, I had one last night. I had a Pity Party for one. I had been so glad that the Neupogen shot hadn't given me the pain as bad as last time and was able to manage it with Tylenol. But as the day wore on and I kept taking more and more Tylenol I realized that the pain was worsening. By the time I got home I had to take a Darvocet. About 1 1/2 hours later I took another and by the time I went to bed at around 10pm I took another. And then another at 2AM and at 6AM when I finally got out of bed I decided to see if the 3 Tylenol would do it. I took them and went on to the lab, got blood drawn and then waited to see if I needed another shot. Fortunately, no more shots were needed but I came back home and took another Darvocet. I am now in bed and in pain. This sucks. So last night when the pain started ramping up and I lay in the bed trying to sleep and waiting on the pain pill to work I had a pity party. I even teared up which I haven't done but twice since this whole thing started. And Tom was there to talk me thru it and tell me that I am 1/2 done and in a year this will be a distant memory. I am telling you this because I want all of you who see me everyday putting on a brave face to know that I still am human. There's nothing special about me or my attitude. I am doing what any one of you would do when faced with something of this magnitude - I am doing the best I can. And sometimes my best is better than other times. But encouraging words and smiles really do help me. So keep them coming.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.