Never, Never, Never say it!

I am a sports fan - huge sports fan (fanatic actually) - and I know that in baseball when a man is pitching a no hitter that you NEVER say, "He's pitching a NO HITTER!!" because as soon as you say it "WHACK" - out of the park the ball goes or even just a hit is sure to occur. So, my point is that I should have NEVER said anything about being able to sleep well. Last night I didn't sleep worth a darn! Woke up very hour on the hour - it seemed - and when I did manage to sleep I had the most bizarre dreams!!! I kept dreaming about trying on dresses? I just couldn't find the right one! And I don't even wear dresses!!! So weird!!
Well guys I feel pretty good - just in time for Poisoning #3! But it will mean that I will be 3/4 thru chemo and one more step closer to the end of April when chemo and rads will be done!!! I have 35 days of rads, if I remember correctly, but the radiologist says that they are short visits - about 30 minutes a day for 35 days, and fatigue is the only side effect. For that I will be thankful.
Anyway, not much to say today other than thank you all for your cards and letters and emails and cookies and WOW - I had no idea that so many folks cared or that I was so popular! I am so grateful that so many of you take time out of your day to even think of me. I know everyone has their own "stuff to worry about" without having to "worry" about me too. But I thank you for doing so. It helps me very much!
The end of this madness is in sight!!!

A Good Week

This is my week before my 3rd treatment (WooHoo!!) on Friday. This is the week when I feel the best of all of them. I had an OK weekend - other than a stomach thing that I won't bother you with - and even managed to get some of my house cleaned. My husband did most of it even though he had dog trials all weekend. Isn't he great!? He's the best wife a woman could have! I find that I get fatigued so easily now. I used to be able to clean the bathroom all at once. But Sunday I had to clean the tub and take a break. Then the toilet and take a break. Then the sinks and take a break. It was ridiculous!
So I went to lunch on Saturday with my good friend, Lynne, and she told me that I looked good. And I expect that she would tell me the truth. But when I look in the mirror I DO NOT look like Wendy. And it's not just the missing hair. It seems that my eyes are baggier (is that even a word?) and my skin is yucky looking. I look very tired. And I really sleep pretty good. The ladies on the message boards complain about not being able to sleep but I truly have had litle issues with sleeping. But back to the way I look. And please don't think that I am saying this so that people will tell me "you look great!" I am writing this because it is how I feel. I am writing this entire blog because I have to have a place to get these feelings out or I'll go nuts!
I look terrible! I'm not Wendy anymore. I know I am no beauty queen anyway but I always thought that I was at least average looking. Now you could throw me in a pond and skim ugly for a week!!! And I know its because I'm sick. I look older also. And I really didn't need any help there. Every year that goes by the wrinkles become more prominent! I hate wrinkles!!! And yes, I am extremely vain! I know it. It is one, of many, of my bad personality traits. I find myself not meeting the eyes of people when I am out and about now. I keep my head up but I look past people - I think maybe because I don't like to see the pity in their eyes. Or the shock at no hair. What's kind of funny to me though is when I see someone and they talk to me like nothing is different and you know they are thinking, "She's bald! Wonder why she's bald?" But yet they keep on talking like nothing is wrong. And I know they just don't know what to say. But I'd really rather them say - "Hey, What's up with you?" So there it is - I am increasingly depressed about the way I look. But its OK. I won't look this way forever.
So this Thusday is Valentine's Day. When you've been married a long time you tend to take each other for granted and not do the romantic things as much as you used to. So, it was funny when I asked my husband if we could go to Ichiban (for those that don't know this is a Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and you sit at a table with loads more folks - no privacy) and he said sure! And we even discussed who we could invite to join us! But sometimes its kind of nice to go out with other folks, even on VD, because if you go out alone you end up talking about the kids, or money issues, or something very unromantic anyway. So, we will be at Ichiban if anyone wants to join us! We figure the more the merrier!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent again. Hopefully, it won't be as boring in a few days. I'm guessing that there are loads more Blog posts that are more interesting than this one. But actually I'm very glad its boring sometimes. That just means that my cancer is not getting the best of me - even though its seems like it sometimes! I will WIN in the end - Lord willing and the creek don't rise!

Day 15 of 2nd round

Its Saturday and I feel pretty good except my tummy is not happy today for some reason. Other than running to the bathroom I am doing well. Nausea hit me again this morning - strange that it is so much worse this time?! Hot flashes are frequent and annoying. Shaved head and legs this morning - head was getting some new growth in some spots so just evened it out. Legs had been let go, as I mentioned before, but I decided I would go ahead and do my husband a favor - Valentine's Day is around the corner after all - and get smooth legs. I noticed that the hair on my legs above the knee was gone but below the knee it is hanging on.
The doc and I talked about changing my schedule to Thursday but realized that this Thursday is VD so we decided to leave it as is. I should feel good enough to do VD - even though most of you who know me know that I think VD is a day created by Hallmark, Florists, and chocolatiers to sell those items. I usually ask for a Goo Goo Cluster and that is all I want. I'm watching Rachel Ray right now and getting some ideas of things maybe I can cook on VD instead of going out. Although Ichiban sounds really good. Tom and I don't go out to eat much anymore since we got our dogs. We would rather go get something and bring it home and hang out with our dogs. Since Brandon is grown our babies are our dogs. I just love them. And I think I will tell you about them since I don't have any side effects to complain about right now. Read on if you are interested - otherwise come back sometime next week when I have round 3!
We have two dogs and they are pure bred Vizslas. They are Hungarian bird dogs - short haired rust red. They are a smaller red version of a Wiemeraner (sp?). Vizslas have red noses, red toenails and golden eyes. They are beautiful. Look them up on AKC.org. They are excitable dogs and have to have lots of exercise. But they are very loving and are sometimes called Velcro dogs because they have to be with a human at all times. They hate to be left alone. Take it from me - we got one (our male, Jax, is 2 1/2 years old) and he ate our furniture! So we got another - our female, Reese (1 year old on 2/19) and he calmed down. Of course, Reese is our devil dog. You've heard people say,"if my 2nd child had been my first they would have been my only child." That's the way Tom and I feel about Reese. In fact, we named her with AKC C.B. Deville which lovingly stands for Crazy B!+ch Devil! She is a handful! But they are so great. We love them lots and take them everywhere we go, if possible. They travel very well and have been loads of places. In fact, we look for places we can go on vacation where we can take them. When we went on our cruise we both missed them terribly. What would we do without our babies!?
Anyway, I hadn't blogged anything in a few days so I thought I'd let everyone know I am doing well. I am back up and fighting again - Pity Party is over and I am blessed to begin feeling strong again! If I could just get rid of the nausea then I would be perfect! Oh well, this too shall pass also.
Hope all has/had a great weekend!
Cheers!

Pity Party for one

Yesterday in the breakroom at work a lovely young lady told me she was proud of how I am handling this cancer and how I seem to always be upbeat. I told her that she should know that I have my moments - down when I don't feel like getting back up - everyone knows those moments. Well, I had one last night. I had a Pity Party for one. I had been so glad that the Neupogen shot hadn't given me the pain as bad as last time and was able to manage it with Tylenol. But as the day wore on and I kept taking more and more Tylenol I realized that the pain was worsening. By the time I got home I had to take a Darvocet. About 1 1/2 hours later I took another and by the time I went to bed at around 10pm I took another. And then another at 2AM and at 6AM when I finally got out of bed I decided to see if the 3 Tylenol would do it. I took them and went on to the lab, got blood drawn and then waited to see if I needed another shot. Fortunately, no more shots were needed but I came back home and took another Darvocet. I am now in bed and in pain. This sucks. So last night when the pain started ramping up and I lay in the bed trying to sleep and waiting on the pain pill to work I had a pity party. I even teared up which I haven't done but twice since this whole thing started. And Tom was there to talk me thru it and tell me that I am 1/2 done and in a year this will be a distant memory. I am telling you this because I want all of you who see me everyday putting on a brave face to know that I still am human. There's nothing special about me or my attitude. I am doing what any one of you would do when faced with something of this magnitude - I am doing the best I can. And sometimes my best is better than other times. But encouraging words and smiles really do help me. So keep them coming.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.

Bones aching and my husband

I managed NOT to get the same achy bones that I had last time they gave me the Neupogen shot. I feel kind of like I have the flu (achy but not painful) but it is nothing like last time. I rec'd another shot today and tomorrow they will check my wbc's and hopefully I can do without another shot. I am just thankful that the shot didn't give me the same side effects as last time. I can handle a few aches and pains.
My husband is so great. Some of you know that he had a brain tumor back in 2000-2001 and during that time I tried my best to remain positive and upbeat and so did he. He didn't tell alot of people about it but those that knew were amazed at how upbeat he was about the whole thing. And if you ask him about it now he will tell you that his sister, Jane, is the one that taught him that other people will react to your bad news in the way that you react. If you fall apart then they will fall apart. If you are strong then they will be strong also. And it is so true!! Jane died of cancer many years ago but she was the most brave person I have ever known and she taught us so much about dealing with bad news. So now Tom is helping me thru this cancer. And he is being great! Together we are being very positive in our actions and emotions and it helps so much. I can't tell you how much easier this whole thing has been because I have Tom with me. God surely blessed me with my husband, Tom. He knew one day I would need Tom's strength (and humor) to help me get through my toughest struggle to date. And he helps me in more ways that I can even tell you about here.
I am doing well. I hope that each of you remember to thank those people in your lives without whom you would be less of a person. And thank them often. They will appreciate hearing it and you will feel good about telling them. Pass on the lurve........that one's for you, Tom!

Oh No........Neupogen again!!!

But I feel so good!!!!! That's what I told the nurse when she told me that my wbc's were very low and she would have to give me another Neupogen shot. And she said that one thing has nothing to do with the other. While I was sitting in the waiting room after having the blood drawn and waiting to see if my counts were OK I kept saying to myself, "the wbc's are going to be good this time and I WILL NOT have to have another shot!" I kept repeating it to myself and then when she called me and walked into the room with a shot I said, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!" I was very upset! Those shots (I have to have another one tomorrow) are sooooooo painful! The shot itself is like any other shot going in - stings but otherwise OK - but the morning after it makes my bones ache! I just KNEW I would be OK this time because I felt so good! But no such luck! So I have the Darvocet ready! Maybe I won't need it this time! I am trying to be positive! Trying so hard! I know....too many !!!!!! in that paragraph.
So, I am repeating myself again in these blog posts. Sorry.
Now let's just discuss hair for a moment. As I have posted previously my head is completely bald. Tom and I did that when it began to "patch bald" so bad that it looked funny. So off it came and its OK......it will re-grow in a few months. The hair under my arms has stopped growing altogether and that's a bit of a blessing also. Less shaving and when I start radiation they tell me that I won't be able to shave under that arm anyway - or use deoderant, so watch out!!! I may start to smell! However, there is one place (actually 2 places) that I was truly hoping I could watch the hair fall out and laugh and laugh while it was happening...........and that is my legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, a little known secret is that in the winter I tend to let that hair go (hey, it keeps me warm) and so I was hoping to watch it fall out. Well, for some reason it is hanging on for dear life! And the peach fuzz on my face - which I lovingly refer to as "my beard" - for you ladies who are older (over 40) it will come your way soon - it is hanging on also! Now I am glad that the eyebrows and eyelashes have not "turned loose" because I will look REALLY strange without them but the rest of it - and I do mean all of it every where - can just go on and leave for all I care! You would think that the hair on other places of the body would have fallen out sooner than the hair on my head - WOULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT THAT ALSO? Too bad one can't pick and choose the Side Effects that they want........HA, there's a thought.
So there are my thoughts for the day - as you can see when you don't have to worry about your cellular service you have time to worry about other things! I know, I watch too much TV!
Cheers to all and better days ahead!

Yuck!

I have a mild case of thrush mouth and it is yucky! The inside of my mouth feels so strange an I feel like my breath is horrible! The doctor had given me some magic mouthwash for my sore throat last treatment (which I haven't had at all this time) which I am using in hopes that it will take care of the issue. As it is not painful yet - only yucky - I guess I should be glad about that. I am trying to see the positive in all of this. I read the message boards and know that it could be worse! Lots of women have waaaayyyyy more issues than I have had. In fact, other than fatigue, I have been blessed with a easy "row to hoe".
Hey guys, I have had a couple of friends ask me if that last post was telling them that they have "told (me) what to do too much". That last post was just to let people know that even well meaning folks can push too hard for their friend to do things a certain way or make sure that they try this or try that to help them thru their issue. And suggestions can be helpful. But those same suggestions also can be frustrating for us as we weed thru the minutia and figure out how to save our lives. I mentioned my brother-in-law's wife who minimized my cancer.........breast cancer these days is NOT like it used to be. It is NOT an automatic death sentence. Great leaps and bounds have been made in medicine and even the chemo that I am taking is WAY better than chemo used to be. But everyone seems to know best and what they say for you to do is the only thing that will help you........and so on. All I am saying is that you NEVER know how you will react to something until you actually face it. And deciding what to do about my breast cancer was an extreme lesson in soul searching. I have learned alot about myself because I have had to face this. And I have learned alot about others - some good and some bad. But in the end, I made the decision and I am living (with a BIG emphasis on LIVING) with my decision. And I know what's BEST for me.
I feel better everyday. A little bit stronger and a little more positive with each passing day. I have put on weight (which I hate) but was told that might happen. When this is over I will have to get back into the Eating better and Exercising more frame of mind again and take it back off.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend. I go for blood work on Monday. Pray for good wbc's!!!