What is normal?

I know for anybody who reads this blog regularly they know that I repeat myself.  I try not to do this but sometimes I do anyway.  So for that I apologize.  I think I repeat myself because this is all I am feeling now-a-days.  Anyway, here goes.
I need a change so badly.  Just a change of scenery may make the biggest difference.  And I don't mean a vacation.  I mean a change.  And in addition to that I feel so non-normal.  I don't know how to feel normal any more.  I feel like an alien in a bunch of regular folks.  But when I come across a BC sister I feel so akin to them.  Love for them flows through me.  They understand me.  They are aliens too.  None of us know normal anymore.  There is no new normal.  Nothing is normal ever again.
I thought after the first time with BC that as the years went by I would feel more normal  and I think I did.  And then I was blindsided. So I feel like this time I will be "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".  I'll never believe in normal again.  I'll never believe that everything will be OK.  I will forever look over my shoulder waiting for the BEAST to rear its ugly head at me.
I hate it.  But I don't know how to change it.  I just know that if I don't get a change in scenery soon I may go more nuts than I already am.  I know....hard to believe but it could happen.

What?

So I hadn't heard from my surgeon at UNC since March and he had told me that he wanted to see me after 6 months.  So I emailed him and the nurse liaison and heard back from her.  This is what Delma said, "Well, the good news is that we clearly consider you cured and a survivor in surveillance.  There is no indication for scans or lab work during surveillance for breast cancer that has been cured."
WHAT???  Is she kidding me?  I was HOT!  And within a few minutes the doctor had emailed her and said, "Delma- I usually like to see patients back for surveillance at least for a year." 
She has lost her mind.  If it was the first time for BC then MAYBE he wouldn't want to see me but this is the 2nd time!  My oncologist said at the very least I should be scanned every 4-6 months for the next 3 years.  People like Delma should really know what they are talking about before they say something.
And it goes on.
 

All clear!

When I saw my oncologist, Dr. Huffman, recently he and I discussed that I am an emotional mess.  I mentioned this before.  He listened to me and my symptoms and we did a CT scan and a brain scan.  I assume that in the next couple of months I will get a bone scan also.  Anyway, both the CT scan and brain scan were normal.  No evidence of disease (NED)!  Great news!
So what is wrong with me?  I am very frustrated.  Sigh.

What's been happening.

I had a breast revision on 9/18/12.  My new foobs are beautiful!  They are exactly what I wanted.  My plastic surgeon is a genius!
I finally saw my oncologist and gave him a list of symptoms I have been having and from that and seeing my plastic surgeon I had a CT scan and am scheduled for a brain scan next week.  My CT scan came back OK but with "mild cardiomegaly".  After looking this up I am convinced that this OR hyperthyroidism could be my problem.
Anyway Dr. Huffman, my oncologist, raised my anti-depressant from 10mg to 20mg in hopes that it will improve my mood.  We'll see.  He also listened to me and told me why this time has been so much harder on me than last time.  He reminded me that so many women get BC that the first time I was "part of the crowd" or "one of the many".  But this time....recurrence is NOT the norm....it doesn't happen to all the women and it means that I will have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.  Kinda put it into perspective for me.  If this is gonna be the new normal then maybe I can live with it.  Hmmm?
So due to the daily headaches and the vertigo he is getting me a brain MRI.  I've never had one of those.  Do you think they will at the very least find a brain?
Will report back to the class later.

Stage 2

Next week is Stage 2 in my reconstruction.  It is a day surgery where they will perform liposuction on the parts of my breasts that are not symmetrical.  They may also tackle some fat necrosis.  I will be  in and out that day.   I am looking forward to getting the hamburger buns out from underneath my arms.  And he will raise the left one so that it is aligned with the right one.  May be the first time in my life that they will be symmetrical.  Weird.
I am doing better, overall, but still have more bad days than good.  I also have an appointment with my oncologist next week and I will talk to him about feeling bad, headaches, hand tremors, etc.  All the things that are freaking me out and the fact that I stay freaked out all the time now.  I am hoping he can help.
I wonder if I am depressed because I feel bad all the time or if I feel bad all the time because I am depressed.  Chicken or the egg?

I don't care for antibiotics

I have been saddled with a side effect of the antibiotics that were given to me so I have stopped taking them.  I guess I need to go back to the doctor but I doubt I will unless symptoms of infection return.  They made me itch so bad.  I bet I can count on one hand how many rounds of antibiotics I have taken in my life.
So I have to hope that my infection....whatever it was....doesn't come back.  I swear if it isn't one thing it's another.  The devil is in the details.

To the doctor I went.

So finally went to the doc this morning.....actually saw a nurse practitioner.  She looked in my ear and said that while it didn't look completely normal...go figure, something with me NOT normal....it didn't look infected either.  She noticed that my face was swollen in front of my ear and said there is definitely some infection there.  So she gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way.
So I get to work and immediately Google "swollen face in front of ear" and find out there are several lymph nodes there.  Hmmmm....so as you can imagine I am thankful that lymph nodes are doing their job BUT....you knew there was a but coming....any swollen lymph node in a cancer survivor is scary.  And with the lethargy and dizziness and headaches....you can hear my brain whirling out scenarios, can't you?  Why do I always go to the dark place?  I didn't do that before.