I have a question........

If "we" are so sure that "everything happens for a reason" then why do we fight what IS? Do we think we are smarter than God?

I am so tired

When one is "aware" then they know that complaining is nonproductive. So, I TRY not to complain. Today my boss told me that I need to work on my attitude. This from someone who constantly allows my co-worker to carry around a bad attitude and speak to him in ways that consistently amaze me. So, at lunch I went to the treadmill and started walking and trying to get in touch with my inner self. The self that is aware of why she is doing the things that she is. It is my conclusion that I am tired. So, following are facts - not complaints - and they are my feelings at the present moment.
I am tired of driving 2 hours a day to hear nothing but complaints. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to drown in the amount of work given and then have more requests heaped upon me. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to have people tell me that I should just be glad to have a job. Don't you think I know that? Mostly, I am tired of driving two hours a day to work and miss that two hours a day with my family - even if my family consists of only my husband and 4 dogs.
When I started reading A New Earth and then subsequently moved on to researching Buddhism I reminded myself that when I found out that I had cancer I promised myself that I would have a lot of fun in this life. And when things were fun anymore then I would move to something else. I am just not having fun anymore. And because of that I am irritable and angry and do not like myself much. Whatever that means.
Anyway, in this economy it is a lousy time to look for a new job but I feel I must. Fun is the most important thing. "Living" this life is the most important thing. Being aware and living a good spiritual life is the most important thing. It ain't happening right now. And I HAVE to get back to it!

Too hard to be good

I've decided its too hard to be good. I will try my best but am not going to beat myself up if I have a beer or mixed drink every once in a while. Cancer will return or it won't. I will not live my life in fear of it. Instead I will live having as much fun as possible while trying to do cancer fighting things.
I want to talk about Buddhism. As I read "A New Earth" the author spoke of Buddhism so I became intrigued. I started reading about it and was surprised at how little I knew about it. First and foremost, it is NOT a religion as much as it is a path to peace. And in my quest for enlightenment I have decided to give it a chance. Its funny that a couple of people saw the book on my desk at work, and even my husband at home, and they were surprised and even a bit concerned for me. I suspect it is that they don't know much about Buddhism either. They are most likely misinformed as I was.
Anyway, I am intrigued to the point that I want to visit a Buddhist Center in Raleigh, NC. I find that searching for peace and enlightenment is not the way to find it. The way to find it is to SEE what is already here. Most people are so busy looking for that THING that will make them happy that they fail to see what they already have, are, etc.
If reading about Buddhism gives me peace then that's OK. Don't worry I won't turn radical because peace has no enemies. Peace is about seeing the good in all things. I am trying and some days it is easier than others. But I find that I am a much easier person to be around. Even for myself.
Much love to all who have been with me through this and all parts of this life that I live. Thanks you for your love and well wishes. I wish for you nothing but peace.

Eating to live instead of living to eat

Since reading the book "AntiCancer: A new way of life" I have decided to start eating better and drinking less. In my previous post you probably saw that I was struggling with this because no matter what you do or don't do in this life there are no guarantees. I could continue as I have in the past and never get cancer again. Or I could do everything right and cancer may still return. One just never knows. However, if I begin this path of healthy eating/living and still get cancer then again I can say to myself, "I did everything I possibly could to prevent this from happening." That was my thing about doing chemo also. I didn't want to say, "If only I had done the chemo...., etc." There are certain things that I have absolutely no control over: I am a woman, I am over 40, I am post-menopausal, etc. But the things that I DO have control over will be taken in hand.
So eating better is not as easy as one might think. I have cut out all sugar, aspartame, splenda, etc except for the occassional dark choclate fix. I have stopped drinking alcohol with the exception of 1 glass of red wine a day and a glass unfortunately is only 5 ounces. Boo Hiss! So to psyche myself out I add seltzer water to it or even drink pomegranate juice or blueberry juice out of my wine glass! How crazy is that?! Not drinking has been very difficult for me. I was a 1 beer and 2 drinks (whiskey and diet sprite) gal every day and on the weekends - well God only knew how many drinks it would be! Depended on how much football was on! I hope it gets easier as I move on!
No diet sodas anymore. In fact, no sodas anymore! No white bread anymore! Try that one too! Pizza, crackers, pretzels.....all made from white flour. No cookies! I am going nuts! I have dicovered fruit smoothies and they are delicious but they don't stay with me that long. This is going to be very tough to try to be healthy and prevent cancer from coming back. Very difficult in this fast food world we live in!
Eating better is also more expensive. Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and fish can get pricey. As you can see I believe I am a little resentful at having chosen this route. I hope I can get over that too.
Have also started walking at lunch several times a week. That should help also.
This is about living the best life that I can. This is about being happy and healthy. This is about having a good attitude so that it exudes to others. This is about sending out positive energy to the world. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I will give it my best shot! Wish me luck!
Cheers to all - even if its only with juice in a wine glass!

A Huge Dilemma

When I was going through cancer treatments I chatted on the boards and got to "know" several people and what they were/are going through. One of the blogs that I read regularly, and still do, is http://howidealwithwhatiwasdealt.blogspot.com/ . Laurie is a wonderful writer and I have enjoyed reading her blogs and have much sympathy for her plight. She wrote recently about a book called "AntiCancer: A New Way of Life" so I decided to read it. I am about 3/4 of the way through it and thus, following is my dilemma.
One of the things we do as humans is to always want and look for more. We see this as the opportunity to fulfill ourselves; to make us seem worthy to others and to ourselves. It is in our very nature to take things for granted and NOT make the most of the days of our lives. When something like cancer strikes someone it is likely that they will re-evaluate their lives for what is most important. And when they do that they realize that enjoying this life is the MOST important thing to do. Enjoying one's life can be accomplished in many ways but enjoying it is at the forefront.
When I found out about the cancer and read the book, "A New Earth", I decided that enjoying my life would be the #1 thing from now on. I began a "Bucket List" after watching that movie and have learned to de-stress, forgive, ask for forgiveness, love more deeply, speak more kindly, etc.
This new book is about learning what foods to give up to make one less susceptible to the return of the cancer, exercising to help with that also, and not allowing stress the run your life. It is about the things to do to make one live longer.
Here's my dilemma for those of you that haven't already figured it out. I want to LIVE for a long time - cancer-free. However, I also want to enjoy every moment that I have on this earth. I want to eat good food, spend time with my family, travel, drink good drinks.......you get the picture. What does one do? Does one trick themselves into thinking that eating well, exercising and not drinking is the best way to enjoy their life? And let's say they do everything right and the cancer still returns - what then? Think on that one for a while and if you come up with an answer I'd love to hear it!

A little bit of Anxiety among friends

Do you know who you are? And I don't mean the "I am Wendy Smith, a wife, step-mother, daughter, IT Specialist, college graduate, etc, etc, etc......" I mean deeper than that. Don't worry if you don't. I don't either. And its OK. The greater feat is to be OK with not knowing. Uncertainty is almost always uncomfortable. But if you can be OK with not knowing who you are at a deeper level than the labels in the above sentence then you are on the path to awareness. The awareness of the BEING-NESS of all things. Think about that one for a while.
I went for my second 3 month cancer checkup this past Tuesday. For some reason I had to wait for almost an hour in the room until the doctor could see me to give me my test results. I asked him after we had gone through everything if the anxiety of these visits ever goes away. He said no. He said the anxiety will diminish with each passing visit that one is told that they appear to still be cancer free but it will never totally go away. For some reason I was more anxious this time than last. I guess I figured that perhaps there would still be some chemo in my body last time and that would inhibit any growth (if there is anything left growing). But this time I was more anxious for a couple of reasons. First, with my cancer which was more aggressive the first 2 years are critical. After the first 2 years and with each year after that the odds continue to go way down that it will recur. But during those first 2 years there is a pretty high incidence of recurrence. So holding my breath for 2 years doesn't sound like much fun but I guess I will just have to not worry about it. Easier said than done. Also, the waiting was killing me. In my mind I could see the doctor reading my test results and trying to figure out the best way to tell me that "it" had come back. But, thankfully, all is well once again and he wants to push our next meeting out to 4 months instead of the usual 3. OK by me. But those moments before you get your results are tense ones. Even if you decide in your mind that worrying is a waste of time - you still can't help but worry a little. And this time - I just had a strange feeling. Good to know that it was all in my head.
All is well in my life. I have started doing things on my "Bucket List" and can cross off visiting the big City of New York. We went to see my sister, Margie, in New Jersey and then went over to the City. We enjoyed it very much and got to see lots of sites. Next up - white water rafting and skydiving.....I hope. Everyone should have a list of things they want to do and DO THEM. Don't wait because you are not guaranteed another day. Enjoy this day to its maximum - even if its only hugging the one you love.

Dogs

We went to let my male dog impregnate a female dog this weekend. Interesting stuff - dogs when one is in heat and the other is always on GO! We always place human emotions, feelings, etc., onto our animals but really they are very basic. It is innate in them to do certain things and we must remember that. Anyway, the breeding is over and hopefully in a couple of months we will see new babies. I love puppies - as do most folks - but I had forgotten how much they cry at night. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. But when the baby falls asleep in my lap it almost makes it worthwhile.
So, I am inserting a few pictures of my new hair. It, too, is interesting. But I'm beginning to like it very much. It will be fun to see what it looks like in a few months.
OK, that's about all I have to say. Good wishes on great health to all!