Chemo kills.

Let me start out by saying that so many women are still alive today because they have done chemo for their breast cancer.  But let me also say that lost of people are dead today because of their chemo.  Chemo is bad fruit, man.  It kills bad cells but it also kills good ones.  My surgeon said its like trying to kill an ant with a hammer.  You may kill the ant but the wall will have lots of holes.  It took me at least a year to feel normal after chemo.
I hated chemo.  I can remember saying that if I ever got cancer I would NEVER do chemo.  Never say never.
Last night as hubby and I were lying in bed he said, "I'm worried about you."  I said, "I'm OK.  I have good days and bad days just like everyone else."  But he knows me and knows that even though I do not KNOW for sure that I have anything to worry about that I am still worried about the spot in my lung.  I have to say that I am mostly concerned about it because it wasn't there 3 months before.  And people say that it could be leftover from an illness but I haven't been sick.
Anyway, I digress.  He told me that I could talk to him and I told him that I know that.  But what I didn't tell him, at least not yet, is that IF the spot turns out being cancer my biggest worry is not that he will be sad about that but that he won't understand if I choose not to do chemo again.  Will he understand that?

How small is too small to worry about?

Last CT scan....July 24th....."Impression:  8 mm left upper lobe pulmonary nodule, finding is suspicious for metastatic disease.  Continued follow-up is recommended."
Last CT scan which showed lymph nodes in abdomen were unchanged which was good.
Doc says we will re-scan in 4 months.  Ugh.

Feeling better

Spring is always my friend.  When the buds open and the flowers bloom, when the bees buzz and the fruit starts to bear.....it makes me feel renewed also.  I have made a decision that I am tired of worrying about this.  I'm tired of feeling bad, sad, etc.  The sun does help.  And spring most definitely helps.
I am feeling much better.  Be gone, cancer!  Out of my body and my head!  Yep, feeling much better......

Doctor

Follow-up appointment with Oncologist today.  Blood work looked better but still out of normal range.  Just going to follow up with blood work again in 3 months.  He said he didn't think another scan now would be necessary.  I didn't push the issue.  Not sure why I didn't push it but I just let it go.  I am tired of worrying about it but know that it won't ever really go away.  Just need to learn to live with it.
Hope spring helps me out of the doldrums.  Going to try to start walking again at lunch too which should help.  No idea........

Crying and weakness

Last time I cried was in August, 2012.  Before that was probably February, 2012.  Before that was probably a very long time.  I HATE to cry.  It gives me a headache, makes my face look funny, my eyes puffy, and doesn't really solve anything.
I cried last night.  And afterwards all I felt was weak and stupid.
Every time I feel like I am digging out of this funk......I don't.

Another wait and see.....I hate this!

PET/CT scan done 1/21/13.  Came back with three things to "keep an eye on".  One mildly enlarged lymph node at the base of my neck (7mm)......been there about a month...I noticed it.....but it isn't too big.  Two mildly enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen (1cm each)......will watch but I'm pretty sure they weren't there at the time of my last scan.  And small sclerotic areas on my left femoral head (left hip)...they think these are bone islands which are benign but will watch it too.
So, anxiety abounds.  Don't know if I should be concerned or not.  If doc is OK with waiting then maybe I should be too?
Ugh.

Time for more scanxiety

I went through the time line and the good news is that it has almost been a year since I was diagnosed with a return of BC.  The bad news is it is almost time to go through all the scans again.  That creates a tremendous amount of anxiety....which we have dubbed scanxiety.  It will have been a year since my bone scan so I will have to have another one very soon.  Same for the CT but since we did one in September for a possible pulmonary embolism after surgery we may wait on that one.   I see my oncologist on 12/18/12 and we will decide when to do the scans.  The bone is where the most folks get metastases if they get them at all.  That's the one I am most concerned with.  Well also the lung.  That would suck to get it in my lung(s).
Here's hoping for a calm Christmas season and a very Happy New Year!