Strength

I'm sure I have mentioned my husband's sister, Jane, before and how she taught us that people react to your bad news the way you do......if you fall apart then they will too.....and if you stay strong then they will do the same. It is hard to be strong all the time. To be totally truthful.....I am scared. Very scared. I hate feeling that way.

Books

My husband loves music.  He gets so much inspiration from music and truly believes that music is played for our lives....something might come on the radio that he needs to hear at that moment to help him thru his day, etc.  I believe that happens too.  However, I get most of my inspiration from books.  I find that if I am struggling there is always something I read in a book that helps me. 
My co-worker, Nancy, brought me a book called "Bye Bye, Ta Ta".  It is about a woman who is living with Stage 4 cancer.  Since I have had cancer twice and the doctor tells me that there is a 40% chance that it will return again I have been trying to focus on the 60% chance that the cancer WON'T come back.  That is not always easy.  So I was reading this book and once again there was something in it that was exactly what I needed at this time.  Here it is and what follows each point is how I feel or how I am doing with it.

You waste your cancer:
1.  If you do not believe it is designed for you by God. - I believe that there is a reason for everything.
2.  If you believe it is a curse and not a gift. - I try to believe it is a gift to help me.
3.  If you seek comfort from your odds rather that from God. - I am working on this.
4.  If you refuse to think about death. - I am not afraid to die...I just want it to be alot father away.
5.  If you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ. - Not there yet.
6.  If you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God. - Failing.
7.  If you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationship with manifest affection. - I like to think that I speak a little nicer and am not so quick to judge now.
8.  If you grieve as those who have no hope. - I have hope.
9.  If you treat sin as casually as before. - Failing.
10.  If you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ. - Failing.

Really it isn't the book that gives me what I need when I need it.  God finds ways to give us what we need.  Whether it's thru books or music.....He always finds a way.  We just have to be open to them.

Ooo, Ooo that smell.

If you've never had to pack a wound you may not understand this post. When I first came home from the hospital after the BMX surgery I had drains in my body to help the wounds ooze (for lack of a better word) and ultimately heal.  By the time I went back to the doctor to have the drains removed I was sick (and I mean physically so) of the smell of those drains.  I had hoped I would never have to smell that odor again.  Apparently, the inside of the body smells like those drains.  Now that I am having to pack these wounds I am having to smell that smell again.  And it is grossing me out.  Please heal me soon, Lord!  If only so I don't have to smell that smell.
Now that anyone reading this is grossed out too.....sorry about that but I write so I don't go nuts......other than getting tired so easily I am doing OK.  Now that it doesn't look like I can make my wound really any worse I am working on my stamina.  It will take a while to get back to where I was.....which wasn't exactly in great shape to begin with.
Anyway, I am trying to keep a good attitude.....but some days it is hard.

What the oncologist said.

Finally went to see the oncologist in Chapel Hill and hear what he had to say.  Basically he said chemo would not benefit me unless I just wanted to do it.  Uh.....NO!  Been there, done that.....hated it.  He did tell me something that I didn't realize.  Because I had a local recurrence within 5 years there is a 40% chance that the cancer will return again.  It won't recur in the breast tissue but it would be somewhere else in the body.  However, that being said.....that means there is a 60% chance that it won't come back, right?

This is pretty gross!

Went to see the plastic surgeon yesterday and he didn't like the way my abdominal incision was healing so he cut it open and scooped out the dead skin.  Now I have to pack it with wet gauze and cover it with dry gauze.  That has to be done twice a day.  I have to say it is kinda gross.  I won't go into more detail than that. 
The doctor has written a note to keep me out of work until further notice.  He says it will take at least a month to heal.  I am still hoping to be back at work at the end of April but Tom doesn't want me to go back until I am totally healed.  I am unsure if work would even let me come back with restrictions so until I can lift 25 pounds I may have to stay out.
Having an open wound is freaking me out as I want to walk and gain some endurance but am afraid of doing anything that would make the wound worse.
I am highly frustrated.

The damn thing just won't heal

I only had 1 small section of the incision that wouldn't heal and then I stretched too much and opened another small place.  Aaaarrrggghhh!!!  I am at a loss.  Usually I heal very nicely and quickly so this is so unusual for me.  I sit still but as soon as I try to do anything it seems like I make it worse! 
Blaaahhhhh!
On another subject my hamburger bun boobs are settling a little bit....did I say that last post?  And they are healing nicely....go figure.

On the edge

I have been living in frustration and lite depression for the past week.   I had been doing so well and then I had a set back which has hit me pretty hard.  Worrying that my incision will open up at any time has made me have to go back to being very careful and slowed my progress dramatically.  And because I have been unable to do more and get better and better each day I am frustrated which is bringing on the depression.  Tom thinks I just have "cabin fever" but I don't think that's all.  Even when we went out on Sunday it didn't really help.
All that being said it does appear that my incision is doing better and healing a bit more every day.  So I will do my best to be patient (not my strong suit) and wait until it is healed to the point where I can start doing more and more again.  And I will get my Lexapro (happy pills) refilled which should help.