Yesterday was an especially hard day for me. After speaking to Dr. Huffman about the Her2 status and him telling me he wants to do Femara and Herceptin after surgery then I went to the Internet and started reading about the side effects of these drugs. The are very bad, very expensive drugs. I don't want to take them. So I started thinking about quality of life vs. quantity of life and I have always said I'd rather live a short life and have fun than live a long life suffering. Tom's sister prolonged her life with all kinds of trial drugs and she suffered greatly. But she did it to spend as much time as she could with her children. I have no children. But I have Tom and would it be selfish of me not to do everything I can to be around with him so we can grow old together? The person left behind when someone dies is the person that suffers. It's not the one that dies.
I finally talked to Tom last night about how I was feeling and the great thing about him is he doesn't try to influence me in any way. He gives me his opinion but lets me make the decision. I told him about being selfish and if I didn't take these drugs then I would have to do 1 of 2 other things. I would either have to dramatically change my lifestyle.....no alcohol, lose weight (which I'd like to do anyway), eat only fruits and vegetables for the rest of my life, exercise regularly (which again wouldn't be that bad of a thing).....but Wendy would become a very sad girl. OR, I would have to sit around doing what I do now and wait until the Beast came back.....and it most likely would. Whatever is in my body letting the Beast thrive will stay there unless I drastically change things. But I don't know if I am willing or even able to do this. That's where the selfish part comes in.
I am not afraid to die. Death is a part of life. I just didn't think it might be so soon.
I am not giving up, folks. I am merely weighing everything that life has thrown at me recently. So I will have surgery, we will retest the tumor and go from there. Until then I place it in God's more than capable hands.
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Wendy, oh I'm sorry. I understand what you are feeling. There is NOTHING wrong with being selfish with your decision. In fact I don't think it's selfish in the least to be real and consider what feels right to you. Since you have been through the cancer treatment journey before you are well educated about the uncertainty that pharm drugs bring to the table. Do they do as much harm as good? I am in this camp, although I think that Femara is worth it for me because my tumor was ER + (highly). Had joint aches for a couple of years but they have subsided. I also understand the feeling of loss, if you gave up some of the real joys in life. Eating and drinking as you'd like.
What I wish for you is that you could take a significant amount of time off. It is so much easier to change life-long habits and find the bright side of such changes if you don't have the continual stress/boredom/frustration etc of work. Is this a possibility?
Wendy, please know that my heart aches for you. I think about you often, several times a week these days. I hope that your surgery goes as well as possible. I relied on painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs pretty heavily after my bi-lateral mastectomy. Don't try to be too tough ok? Let your loved ones pamper you. Please keep writing.
Love,
Laurie
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