Time for more scanxiety

I went through the time line and the good news is that it has almost been a year since I was diagnosed with a return of BC.  The bad news is it is almost time to go through all the scans again.  That creates a tremendous amount of anxiety....which we have dubbed scanxiety.  It will have been a year since my bone scan so I will have to have another one very soon.  Same for the CT but since we did one in September for a possible pulmonary embolism after surgery we may wait on that one.   I see my oncologist on 12/18/12 and we will decide when to do the scans.  The bone is where the most folks get metastases if they get them at all.  That's the one I am most concerned with.  Well also the lung.  That would suck to get it in my lung(s).
Here's hoping for a calm Christmas season and a very Happy New Year!

I saw beauty.

We went to the Grand Canyon and there are no words to express the Beauty that I saw there.  It made me know how small I am.

Oh well, HELL!

Every time I start feeling like I might be coming out of the funk something happens to pull me back in.
I am still having the headaches but I THINK that it is coming from me gritting my teeth at night.  So I need to get some mouth guards to see if that will help.  Now my shoulder has started bothering me.  It's always something.  And now every twinge is the cancer coming back!
The shoulder is on the right (side of BC) and it aches so bad, especially in the morning.  It seems to dwindle in pain during the day but every day for the last 4-5 days it has hurt so bad that I have had to move my mouse pad to the left side and let the shoulder just hang. Hard to type or write this way.
I am scheduled to see my onc. in December and in January it will have been a year since a bone scan so I think I will request he schedule one for me in January.  If this continues though I am going to have to put my arm in a sling.  Two week rule now in affect.  If it lasts that long then it probably means something is really wrong.
I am 99% sure it is not BC...it's that 1% that bothers me.

Time

It may be a cliche' but I am coming around to believe that "Time really does heal all wounds."

What is normal?

I know for anybody who reads this blog regularly they know that I repeat myself.  I try not to do this but sometimes I do anyway.  So for that I apologize.  I think I repeat myself because this is all I am feeling now-a-days.  Anyway, here goes.
I need a change so badly.  Just a change of scenery may make the biggest difference.  And I don't mean a vacation.  I mean a change.  And in addition to that I feel so non-normal.  I don't know how to feel normal any more.  I feel like an alien in a bunch of regular folks.  But when I come across a BC sister I feel so akin to them.  Love for them flows through me.  They understand me.  They are aliens too.  None of us know normal anymore.  There is no new normal.  Nothing is normal ever again.
I thought after the first time with BC that as the years went by I would feel more normal  and I think I did.  And then I was blindsided. So I feel like this time I will be "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".  I'll never believe in normal again.  I'll never believe that everything will be OK.  I will forever look over my shoulder waiting for the BEAST to rear its ugly head at me.
I hate it.  But I don't know how to change it.  I just know that if I don't get a change in scenery soon I may go more nuts than I already am.  I know....hard to believe but it could happen.

What?

So I hadn't heard from my surgeon at UNC since March and he had told me that he wanted to see me after 6 months.  So I emailed him and the nurse liaison and heard back from her.  This is what Delma said, "Well, the good news is that we clearly consider you cured and a survivor in surveillance.  There is no indication for scans or lab work during surveillance for breast cancer that has been cured."
WHAT???  Is she kidding me?  I was HOT!  And within a few minutes the doctor had emailed her and said, "Delma- I usually like to see patients back for surveillance at least for a year." 
She has lost her mind.  If it was the first time for BC then MAYBE he wouldn't want to see me but this is the 2nd time!  My oncologist said at the very least I should be scanned every 4-6 months for the next 3 years.  People like Delma should really know what they are talking about before they say something.
And it goes on.
 

All clear!

When I saw my oncologist, Dr. Huffman, recently he and I discussed that I am an emotional mess.  I mentioned this before.  He listened to me and my symptoms and we did a CT scan and a brain scan.  I assume that in the next couple of months I will get a bone scan also.  Anyway, both the CT scan and brain scan were normal.  No evidence of disease (NED)!  Great news!
So what is wrong with me?  I am very frustrated.  Sigh.