A little bit of Anxiety among friends

Do you know who you are? And I don't mean the "I am Wendy Smith, a wife, step-mother, daughter, IT Specialist, college graduate, etc, etc, etc......" I mean deeper than that. Don't worry if you don't. I don't either. And its OK. The greater feat is to be OK with not knowing. Uncertainty is almost always uncomfortable. But if you can be OK with not knowing who you are at a deeper level than the labels in the above sentence then you are on the path to awareness. The awareness of the BEING-NESS of all things. Think about that one for a while.
I went for my second 3 month cancer checkup this past Tuesday. For some reason I had to wait for almost an hour in the room until the doctor could see me to give me my test results. I asked him after we had gone through everything if the anxiety of these visits ever goes away. He said no. He said the anxiety will diminish with each passing visit that one is told that they appear to still be cancer free but it will never totally go away. For some reason I was more anxious this time than last. I guess I figured that perhaps there would still be some chemo in my body last time and that would inhibit any growth (if there is anything left growing). But this time I was more anxious for a couple of reasons. First, with my cancer which was more aggressive the first 2 years are critical. After the first 2 years and with each year after that the odds continue to go way down that it will recur. But during those first 2 years there is a pretty high incidence of recurrence. So holding my breath for 2 years doesn't sound like much fun but I guess I will just have to not worry about it. Easier said than done. Also, the waiting was killing me. In my mind I could see the doctor reading my test results and trying to figure out the best way to tell me that "it" had come back. But, thankfully, all is well once again and he wants to push our next meeting out to 4 months instead of the usual 3. OK by me. But those moments before you get your results are tense ones. Even if you decide in your mind that worrying is a waste of time - you still can't help but worry a little. And this time - I just had a strange feeling. Good to know that it was all in my head.
All is well in my life. I have started doing things on my "Bucket List" and can cross off visiting the big City of New York. We went to see my sister, Margie, in New Jersey and then went over to the City. We enjoyed it very much and got to see lots of sites. Next up - white water rafting and skydiving.....I hope. Everyone should have a list of things they want to do and DO THEM. Don't wait because you are not guaranteed another day. Enjoy this day to its maximum - even if its only hugging the one you love.

Dogs

We went to let my male dog impregnate a female dog this weekend. Interesting stuff - dogs when one is in heat and the other is always on GO! We always place human emotions, feelings, etc., onto our animals but really they are very basic. It is innate in them to do certain things and we must remember that. Anyway, the breeding is over and hopefully in a couple of months we will see new babies. I love puppies - as do most folks - but I had forgotten how much they cry at night. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. But when the baby falls asleep in my lap it almost makes it worthwhile.
So, I am inserting a few pictures of my new hair. It, too, is interesting. But I'm beginning to like it very much. It will be fun to see what it looks like in a few months.
OK, that's about all I have to say. Good wishes on great health to all!

I have an afro!

I do not mean to offend - even though I have every right to say whatever I feel - but I have an afro! I mean my hair is so curly that it is afro-like! I am so NOT used to this! My husband laughs at me and tells me that he thinks that I have the "curse of the curly hair" and will "hate it". He had very curly hair when he was young and hated it so much. I have always wanted curly hair and am damn glad to have hair so I doubt I will complain much, if any, about it. I will try to post a picture soon as it is hard to believe when you look at old pictures of me.
Anyway, all is well and I hope that each of you are well also. Cheers!

The Heat

The heat really gets to me now. I never really cared for extreme heat but now it seems that it takes so much more out of me. The energy that I so desperately want back is coming slowly. I think it may take longer for me to get back to "normal" so I shall wait. In the meantime I am trying not to complain about it. I just seem to need more naps than before. Sleep is a welcome retreat from the rigors of life. But then I have always loved to sleep.
So many people have told me to come back here and write more but it seems like when I do come here that all I end up doing is complaining and I don't want to do that. Life is good and I can't ask for more that I have at this moment. Work is work but it seems like it stresses me less than it used to so that it is a good thing.
I continue to read and try to awaken to my inner and outer life purposes. Sometimes I am pretty good at it and most times I get lost in the ways of the rest of the world where it is easier to complain, whine, moan about all that is going wrong instead of focusing on all that is right. Its very hard to do in the world that we live in. But it can be done. I continue to work toward it.
Things have been going well. It seems that Tom and I are busier than normal this summer - going and going more and more. Maybe having had cancer makes me know that tomorrow may not get here so do what you want to do today instead of waiting. Its really a shame that it took a life-altering event to make me "see the light" but in my case I can be very hard-headed.
It has almost been a year since my father died and I miss him very much. I know that he is in a much better place and having read "A New Earth" I realize too that his energy is still here. I never thought much about the fact that energy doesn't die and any energy that resides in the body will not die when the body dies but will rather move to another place. So I feel that my father's energy is still with me and that makes me feel better.
Anyway, know that I am still around and happy and healthy (to my knowledge) and things are going well. Take it easy, everybody. LIVE now because if you don't when are you going to?

Fear and Doubt

When I first found out that I had breast cancer people were kind enough to call me and enlighten me about the path that I was getting ready to embark upon. One of the people that called me was a nurse who worked for my OB-GYN doctor. He had asked her to call me to try to alleviate some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She called me out of the blue and talked to me for about 1/2 hour. She told me that I would finally get to the place, after treatment was over and life was beginning to get back to normal, where I wouldn't be concerned over every ache and pain that came up. She told me that I would stop worrying that the cancer had returned every time my breast hurt or I coughed and assumed that it had moved to my lungs. When she told me this I didn't really think much about it because I had yet to even go through my treatment so I was focused on that first. Do you sense a BUT coming? Now that my treatment is over and life is returning to normal I do find myself considering, "What is this new ache under my arm? Why is my cough getting worse? Has the cancer moved into my lungs? Is the breast cancer back?" I believe that it is very human to think these things. The problem comes in when we allow them to rule our lives. Fear can be a great motivator and it can cause one to be delusional. Delusion happens when the fear is allowed to become REAL.
I find that I do have those thoughts. And I don't like having them. I try my best not to allow them to stay around very long in my mind. I return to the present moment where all is well. But I believe that the girl was right when she told me that these thoughts will go away. I just have to give it time to happen.
Probably alot of women who have gone through breast cancer and come out the other side are interested in helping other people get through their trauma. And one of the ways we consider helping is by writing a book. If I thought I was creative enough I would attempt to write a book about this whole episode of my life but I fear that instead of helping others I would just bore them to tears. BUT, if I were going to write a book I have come up with a clever title. At least I think its clever. "I never loved my hair so much as I did after chemo" or "The Curls of Chemo". HA!
So, my hair is coming in and doing some strange things. I have never had more than a wave in my hair and that only appeared after my hysterectomy - I assume it had something to do with hormones, or lack thereof. However, now that my hair is growing back it is coming back with a pretty fierce wave/curl to it. I like it. But then I'm just glad its coming back at all.

Normal

I guess its normal for folks who have been through a life altering experience to begin to question their lives and why they do certain things. Since being diagnosed with cancer and especially since reading "A New Earth" I have become increasingly dissatisfied with working at my job. Not necessarily because I don't like my job - which I do (most of the time), and I am certainly blessed to even have a job, but more because I would rather spend my time on this earth, in this life, doing other things. When I first began treatment I started talking to my husband about selling our home and moving into a double-wide on a large plot of land and getting that dream land that we have always wanted. He smiled and said, "Let's wait and see what happens and get through all of this first." He was right, of course, but I still find that I am ready to put away some of the "stuff" of this world and our lives. It used to be that I wanted to be the best in my job and wanted to make lots of money and blah, blah, blah. Now, those things just don't seem to matter much anymore. I just want to spend time with my family, and my dogs and do those things that I find interesting and more fun. I have become indifferent to alot of things - passive almost. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is as it is. Don't get me wrong. I feel very blessed to have all that we do. I just don't need it that much anymore.

I am doing fine

This is the first chance I've had to tell everyone that I am doing fine. My tumor markers were fine and so was all other items tested with the exception of low blood sugar. But nothing really to worry about. And I won't worry anyway.
My energy is coming back and I have been walking everyday on the treadmill which helps alot. Remember, I have 18 pounds to take back off! But that will come - 1 pound at a time.
I told my husband the other night, when sitting outside on our back porch, that I am happier than I have been in years. It amazes me how much letting go of little things will give you a different perspective on life. Every once in a while I find myself slipping back into the old patterns and it scares me. I can't go back there! I can't return to the person I was. At least I am more aware and when those times come up I can recognize them and surpress them. Whew! Thank goodness for that!
I walked in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Walk a couple of weeks ago and loved it! It made me very sad, however, that there even has to be such a thing but I chose to look at the bright side of it and that women every day are LIVING instead of dying from breast cancer. And even as much as I hated it and do not have any idea what, long term it will do/has done to my body, really chemo and radiation was not that bad in the grand scheme of it all. If that's the worse thing I ever have to go through then I am blessed. And if there is more to come then I will deal with it.
So for now, I am well. And I am happy. And, after all, what more could a person ask for?