Life is funny......

I am back at work today and feeling OK. I have dizzy spells from time to time but they never last more than a moment and are not all that bad. My mouth feels awful and tastes awful and if I breathe on you and it stinks then I apologize for the dragon breath. I think I have a small case of "thrush" mouth so I guess I will try the magic mouthwash to see if it will help. Other than that I am doing pretty well. I go back on Monday and hope that the white blood cells won't be too low. If they are borderline then I believe I talked the doc into letting my body try to do its thing. If they are way low then I will have no choice but to take the shot as infection could be bad. The Onc nurse told me the other day that a cold in an oncology patient could quickly turn into pneumonia! Wow, I never knew. So another day is gone and soon it will be time for another treatment and then another and then I will be done!! Woohooo!!!
I love to watch people. It is one of my most favorite things to do. I studied psychology in college and grad school and I find people fascinating! They are so complex in their simplicity! Or simplistic in their complexity - whichever way you prefer! If you've never watched people then go to a mall, or the airport, or any large venue where you can just sit and watch people. And not to make fun of them but to just watch them in their day to day. Highly entertaining!
Basic needs aside we as humans can be quite interesting. And frustrating. I guess I never thought that when I was diagnosed with cancer that some folks would act so different toward me and others would just take it in stride and treat me exactly the same. I never thought that some people would be so sure that they knew what was best for me even though they had never gone through what I am facing. Its funny how well meaning some people are and how they think that they are helping when actually they aren't helping at all. No one knows how one will feel until they are faced with the unknown. You've heard about walking in another one's shoes. Never has it ever been so true to me more than it is now. I remember that when I first told my brother-in-law's wife that I had cancer her reaction was, "Oh well, that's really nothing to worry about anymore. They cure 99% of those now, don't they?" I just smiled and went along with it and then moved on. But it amazed me that she actually could say that to me. She presumed to know what it was like to have cancer and yet never has. I wanted to tell her, "Take a walk in my shoes."
And some things I have read that people say to others with cancer - "How's that cancer coming?" Amazing. Now I know its very kind for people to try to "Pep" us (this is the royal cancer "us", I guess) up and make us feel as though the road is doable and will be over before we know it. And I must say that I do really appreciate when people give me those pep talks because I do need them from time to time. But sometimes its OK to say nothing at all. Sometimes its OK to say, "I don't know what to say to you. I feel for you and what you are going through but I don't know what to say."
And people should not presume to know what's best for me and my body. This was my decision. It wasn't even my husband's decision although I did listen to him and took what he said into consideration. But ultimately the decision was ALL MINE. And right or wrong I am living with it. And I know that people that love me don't like to see me suffer. And trust me, I ain't all that happy about suffering either. But it is my life and my decision and I just don't want people to presume to know what's best for me until those same people take a walk in my shoes.

Completely Bald

I am now completely bald. And it looks very strange. Oh well.
I am so tired today. So incredibly tired. I was tired yesterday but today is worse. In addition to having the LEAD in my bones I can't seem to wake up. I slept from 10PM Sunday night until 10:30AM on Monday morning. Got up and moved to the couch for a couple of hours and then back in the bed and back to sleep. I just woke up again and Tom made me eat something and he opened the blinds so I could see the sunshine. And all I really want to do is go back to sleep. It seems like the symptoms came even later this time. I have been taking more anti-nausea meds this time also - some needed and some just taken as prevention to what I know is coming. The metallic taste has subsided so I can taste my food. Haven't really eaten that much but am at least trying to eat stuff that's good for me.
Not really much to tell. Not sure I will make it to work tomorrow either but am going to wait until the morning to determine that. I'm sorry that this blog has become boring. I am so tired and being tired has made my attitude slip a bit. I promise to get back up and fight again. I just need a little break for now.
Cheers to all of you.

Something I forgot to say

I tried before to explain hot flashes and I did NOT do a very good job. But I did realize later that all I had to say was "If your eyelids sweat then you are having a hot flash."
And another thing - Its Saturday at about 7:30PM and I am feeling OK. Today was OK - I had a little more nausea today than last time and I took some anti-nausea meds and they made me sleepy. A two hour nap on the couch was in order and done. And now I wait for the LEAD to set in. I talked Tom into shaving my head (totally) tomorrow. I am almost bald in most spots anyway. And the hair hurts my scalp so we will get rid of it all. Its OK. But weird that I haven't lost any hair any where else. My legs still have hair on them - I keep hoping it will fall out but not yet - and my face and various spots on the body still have hair. At least I haven't lost my eyebrows and eyelashes yet. Its all a waiting game.
And I have nothing else to say.......go figure.

TWO DOWN AND TWO TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Went this morning at 8AM and they didn't have the lab orders so had to go to the doctor's office - across the hall - and get the orders and then go back to the lab and wait. By the time I had blood drawn and made it back to the doctor's office it was 8:50AM and there I sat until 9:20AM and then she took me back and took blood pressure (which BTW was excellent and for me that's good!) and temperature and then I waited. A lady came in and talked to me about a study for anti-nausea meds that I can participate in if I want. Told her I would discuss it with my husband and then she left and I waited. Doc came in about 10:20AM and by the time he and I talked and went through everything that happened to me during the 1st round and then I went to the "chair" it was 10:45AM. And it was 12:45PM before they unhooked me and set me FREE! So it took longer than I thought but it went well. Had to get stuck twice, again, but it is OK. Not that much more to go. WOW! There were tons of run-on sentences in that paragraph. I'm so sorry, Ms. Brookbank (HS English).
And then I went to work. Felt OK and will probably feel OK tomorrow - at least for most of the day. I will do as much as I can until the LEAD comes into my bones. And then its movie and couch time.
So my husband used to and I still do work in what we lovingly refer to as "Cube Land". This is a place where there is nothing but cubicles as far as the eye can see. In cube land there is no privacy (phone or otherwise) and if you try to whisper then folks strain even harder to hear! Therefore, all your "bidness" is out there for all to hear and see. So, when nature comes to call in the form of "bad air" one has no choice but share with everyone or take what we refer to as the "cube land fart walk". Or if I MUST be politically correct - the Cube Land Flatulence Walk. Anyone who lives in cube land and says that they have never done this is a BIG FAT LIAR!!! You have to get up and walk out otherwise everyone will know that SOMEONE did the deed and people start looking at each other funny and its just not good! So now you know what we in cube land do when the air is too much to bear! And since chemo messes with my stomach pretty badly I feel the need to do this more often than usual. That chemo does BAD things, man, BAD things!
Will post with how I am feeling this weekend. Hope if goes better than last time. Cheers to all!

Thank you so much!

The thoughts, prayers, cards and well wishes have been overwhelming! I never knew so many people cared about me and my plight. But I cannot say thank you enough for everything that so many people have done for us. We are doing pretty well and after tomorrow I will be 1/2 done with chemo!!!!
And, wow, I never knew I had so many people reading my blog. It sure has expanded from the few folks that I first told about it. I am finding it hard to believe that so many people would even be interested in anything I have to say. This has been a very good place for me to get out my thoughts and fears and not feel guilty about them. It is important when a person is going thru any life altering event to have a venue to speak openly about how they feel about what is happening to them. It has been a God-send for me to have a place such as this. And as much as I HATE that I got this awful disease it has opened my eyes in ways I cannot express. Especially finding out that so many people CARE.
So, thank you again, so very much! It has meant more to me that I can say.
Coming soon: Cube land and the (politically correct) flatulence walk and whatever happens after my next treatment tomorrow. Hopefully no more passing out, busted lips and black eyes!

I did it.......with Tom's help!

I now look like Demi Moore in GI Jane - minus the six pack abs and various other muscles that she displayed in the movie. Tom shaved my hair off for me last night. I sat in the middle of the floor on a sheet and he said, "Are you sure?" And I replied "Yes" and he went to town. It looks and feels kinda cool, actually. I found it "freeing". I also found out after he got done that it had hurt his feelings to do that. But we laughed about it anyway. He said he liked it and that it looked pretty good. I doubt I will wear it that way because people tend to stare and it makes them uncomfortable. Tom says that is their problem and I shouldn't worry about that. I think I will find out how to tie scarves and wear them sometimes.
Anyway, I am feeling pretty good. Just in time to get "hit" again. Oh well. Wish me better luck with my 2nd round!
Hugs to all!

Snow, or lack thereof, and Hair

Today is MLK Jr. day so I, as a government employee, am off of work. This past weekend it was supposed to snow. I love snow and was really looking forward to the 2-4 inches that they were telling us we would get. I waited and waited and it finally started snowing. And then it stopped and we got "nut'in"! They really screwed that one up! My first clue should have been that when we went to the grocery store there was plenty of bread and milk! So no way would it snow!
My hair has started falling out. My pillow was full of hair this morning and the shower also. I can see the thinning spots and my scalp is very sore. I am having a hard time sleeping because every time I move my scalp hurts and I wake up. I think that I will shave it today. Tom wants me to wait to see if maybe it will just thin and not fall out but seeing little hairs everywhere is getting to be overwhelming. And if it just thins I will still have to wear hats or scarves or my wig so why not go ahead and shave it? I'll let you know what I decide to do.
Next chemo is the 25th! Hope the side effects are not as bad this time!