Bad hip......

Only a person who had cancer before would actually be glad to only have torn cartilage in their hip! I was so worried.....yes, I had worried myself into a tizzy.......about the return of the "beast" as it is called. Come to find out there is a problem but it is not life threatening. Although if you think about it just living is life threatening. Anyway, the MRI showed a torn labrum in my hip. Will go find out how bad it is....unfortunately it will NOT heal on its own......and then decide what to do after that. Just another thing. I told my husband that he got a lemon and that I must have been made on a Monday! Come to find out I was born on a Sunday!
Relief has overwhelmed me once again. One day "it" will leave my mind. That day has yet to come. It is my greatest wish that one day pain and suffering will be no more. Thanks for listening.

More Hip pain

Just took an 800mg Ibuprofen. Was sitting here at work and my hip was aching so badly that I wanted to cry. I'm now waiting on pain med to work. Last Saturday I went to the 5K Susan Komen Race for the Cure in Raleigh. Sunday I paid dearly for it. What is wrong with it? Went to GP and he gave me a Prenisone taper (which I very reluctantly took - hated it and put on weight because of it) and ordered an Xray. Xray showed nothing.....zip. So after taking the Prednisone poison and it not helping I have asked Onc. to schedule an MRI. Tumor markers are fine. All blood work is fine. Something is wrong with my hip.
MRI is Monday, 6/21. I am so afraid that it will show nothing.......or show something. Either way I just want to know why my hip bothers me all the time now. And the pain has moved around in the hip. It was on the side only.....then moved across the front toward the groin area.....then around the back toward the buttock. My lower back aches sometimes and my sciatic flares sometimes also. But it all hurts....sitting, walking, standing.......all the time.
Just want to know what the issue is so I can begin fixing it. Pray it isn't mets.

When does concern become obssesive worry?

I'm not quite sure what is happening to me. The past couple of months I have started having a pain in my hip and it is beginning to concern me. I started losing some weight and exercising more and since then my hip hurts worse. I thought it might be an exercise injury but it actually doesn't hurt while I am exercising. It hurts when I am at rest. It hurts especially bad at night, sitting on the couch or lying in the bed. It is not my sciatic nerve but rather if you stood with your hands down at your side it would be just above where the heel of your hand hits your hip. Or where the top of the leg meets the hip.....or where the bottom of your underwear hugs your hip......etc. It hurts to the bone. I can press on it and it hurts bad or I can just sit there and it hurts......a dull, constant ache. Sometimes the pain is felt all the way down my leg to my knee. I find it difficult to get comfortable. Aspirin, Ibuprofen, etc......does nothing to help. I am unsure of what to do.
I have panicked before and made my doctor do scans that showed nothing. I do not want to panic again. But I find myself reading the forums and searching the web for bone metastases. In the last two weeks I have spent waaayyyy to much time doing this. Its becoming obsessive and I'm not sure why. I've always said, and still feel, that if the cancer comes back then I will deal with it. There really is nothing I can do to prevent it from coming back. It either will or it won't. Do you sense a "but" coming? I think its the not knowing that is making me obsess. If I know what is happening then I can begin dealing with it. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Osteopenia

Well, doc says that I now have Osteopenia. This is the step just before Osteoporosis. And he wants me to take Fosamax. Sounds like this is typical. I've read that most women my age are on their way to Osteopenia anyway. And throw in post-menopausal and having gone through chemo and so this is really no surprise. Just another thing.

2 years ago today

It was 2 years ago today that I was told I had breast cancer. I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting for this doctor to tell me what I knew to be true. That I was perfectly fine. I knew it with my whole heart that I would walk out of there with good news. Tom told me later that he had watched the nurse at the front desk look at a chart and then look at me with dread in her eyes. He knew then that I was sick. Once the doctor told me I had cancer I think I thought at first that I must be in a dream. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be me. I felt fine. My body had not turned on me in that way. Thankfully, Tom was there to listen and ask questions and then we left. On the way to the car Tom held my hand and I asked, "Did he just tell me that I have breast cancer?" And Tom just turned and hugged me. I felt bad for him because I knew that he would want to "fix it" but this time he couldn't.
That day I felt helpless and strong all at the same time. Sounds weird, doesn't it? I knew that cancer had gotten me but I felt sure that it wouldn't beat me. That was the beginning of my journey and there were times that I felt like maybe it would beat me. But those times would pass and I would feel strong again.
What do you do on a day like today? Do you celebrate for having made it through the journey? Do you mourn for the time lost when you felt bad and helpless? Do you feel angry because it happened? Or do you embrace the fact that it did happen and nothing can change it?
I think that I will embrace it as a part of my life that happened. "Each place along the way is somewhere you had to be in order to be here." And I totally agree.

Forgetting to remember

I told my husband I want a tattoo. Just a small one of a pink ribbon on the inside of my wrist. He asked why and I told him that I want to always remember. When I went through cancer I arrived on the other side with a new appreciation of life. And I asked the question, "How does one keep this feeling? How do I prevent life from sneaking back in and taking over?" Or something to that effect. And now I am living that. I am forgetting to remember that I have been through something that will forever trump dirty dishes in the sink, or my son's messy bedroom, or the drive to work, or the car not starting, or my boss chewing on me, etc. I want to always remember.
After 9/11 when everyone was nice to one another and spoke kinder and softer and flew their flags......remember that? And then slowly we started to forget that we are ONE nation......together......it hurts me that we forget to remember that we are not the enemy of each other. I don't want to forget to remember.
It's so hard not to let life take over. So I want a tattoo to help me remember. But my husband doesn't like the idea. I just am not sure he understands.

Ups and downs

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was told by women that had been thru it that I would "feel" every ache and pain differently now. Every time I had a cough that lingered I would think, "It's back - it has come back in my lungs" or if my bones ached then it would be, "Now I have bone cancer, I just know it!" I didn't believe them, really, and probably because it was all so new to me and I had no idea what I was getting into. Well, I can tell you that it is true. I've said here that I will not worry about the cancer coming back because it either will or it won't and worrying about it won't change that. Oh that sounds so good, doesn't it? So easy?
The mind is a scary thing. It can take a very small thing and if one dwells on it long enough then that small thing can be blown up into something that is too big to fathom. My aches and pains have done this to me. And it doesn't bother me all the time. Just sometimes. Somedays my ribs hurt under my breasts and I just know that the cancer has spread. Or I keep coughing and coughing and swear that next time I go to see the Onc. that I will have a chest x-ray and they will find "it". Why do we do this to ourselves? What does it help?
I had hoped that I would be able to know my body well enough to feel if there were any changes. But hell, I didn't even know I was sick in the first place. So how do you know? What do you do?
When someone comes up with an answer let me know. And don't worry. This is a down time but I will be back UP!
Peace to all of you. Namaste'.