Stage IV

Well it finally happened.  Stage IV....cancer in the lung now.  Wasn't really surprised.  Haven't even cried.  Tom is so upset.  I am still numb.

Typos

CT typo?!  WTH?  How can I know what is or is not right on a CT scan report if they make typos?  I am so angry about this.  I know people make mistakes but this is the second time I've been told that something on a CT scan report I have is a typo.  Two different places!  How can we trust what these people say if typos are a "normal" part of their work?

Sorry, just needed to vent.  I have a call into the radiologists that read by scan and am waiting on their reasoning for a typo on something so important to me.

Anyone else had a typo that they found later wasn't an actual typo?  Sigh.

Waiting

Another CT scan....another wait.  This was the first time everyone I saw on the way to the scan asked why I was there.  Weird.
Waiting, waiting, waiting......

Loss

My 1st cousin killed himself a little over a week ago.  No note, no hints, no nothing.  He's just gone.  What causes someone to do this?  I am actually more sad that he didn't have another alternative than I am that he is dead.  Not that I am not saddened by his death, because I am.  But everyone dies.  Sooner or later....everyone dies.  No one gets out of this life alive.
But how awful to have no other alternative than to take your own life.  Did he consider how it would make his mother feel?  His father, his brother, his sisters?  Did they cross his mind?
I read one time that if you truly believe that tomorrow will be different than today....different good or different bad...but different then taking your own life is really not an option.  I believe this.
So the grey cloud continues to follow me.  As in the last post I can't seem to get out from under it.  Then something like this happens.
I also lost a friend recently.  Lost as in we are no longer friends.  Saddens me also but this too shall pass.  Life is about losses and how they are handled.  I never handle loss well.

Feeling so sad

I am feeling so sad lately and can't seem to climb out of this funk.  This is mostly about my husband's mother and her failing health and our friend's father who is dying too.  It's just so damn stressful watching my husband and a friend watch their parents die slowly.  I had to do the same with my father and it was so hard.  My husband broke down yesterday because his mother barely knows him and she even said yesterday, "I've had just about all of this I can take."  I told her it is OK if she wants to go.  I think my husband and his siblings should do the same.  Sometimes they just want to know that it is OK to pass on.
Anyway, sadness continues....no end in sight.  At least for the time being.

Politics and friends

I have a Facebook account.  I have enjoyed having it as I have reconnected with several people with whom I had lost touch.  It is interesting to see what people have become and to learn about their children and even grand-children.
Previous to the last Presidential election I never posted anything political OR even talked to folks about Politics because I do not like to argue and political discussions almost always end in arguments. But I started paying attention to what this current administration is doing to this country and I decided that I HAD to speak up.  So I started posting my ideas and the ideas of others with whom I agree and the friends started dropping like flies.  Not really friends then, right?  What about a sister?  Yep, lost a sister, too.  We weren't that close anymore though.
Well, now it appears that I have lost a true friend.  This makes me very sad.  Especially since I thought that we could have differing opinions and still be friends.
I am strong in my convictions now.  I will stand up for my country and my family and against ANYONE who tries to take away my rights afforded to me from the US Constitution.  And that would include anyone that I consider a friend.
I am not against anyone who feels the same strength in their convictions.  And if that keeps us from being friends then that is the way it must be.

Chemo kills.

Let me start out by saying that so many women are still alive today because they have done chemo for their breast cancer.  But let me also say that lost of people are dead today because of their chemo.  Chemo is bad fruit, man.  It kills bad cells but it also kills good ones.  My surgeon said its like trying to kill an ant with a hammer.  You may kill the ant but the wall will have lots of holes.  It took me at least a year to feel normal after chemo.
I hated chemo.  I can remember saying that if I ever got cancer I would NEVER do chemo.  Never say never.
Last night as hubby and I were lying in bed he said, "I'm worried about you."  I said, "I'm OK.  I have good days and bad days just like everyone else."  But he knows me and knows that even though I do not KNOW for sure that I have anything to worry about that I am still worried about the spot in my lung.  I have to say that I am mostly concerned about it because it wasn't there 3 months before.  And people say that it could be leftover from an illness but I haven't been sick.
Anyway, I digress.  He told me that I could talk to him and I told him that I know that.  But what I didn't tell him, at least not yet, is that IF the spot turns out being cancer my biggest worry is not that he will be sad about that but that he won't understand if I choose not to do chemo again.  Will he understand that?

How small is too small to worry about?

Last CT scan....July 24th....."Impression:  8 mm left upper lobe pulmonary nodule, finding is suspicious for metastatic disease.  Continued follow-up is recommended."
Last CT scan which showed lymph nodes in abdomen were unchanged which was good.
Doc says we will re-scan in 4 months.  Ugh.

Feeling better

Spring is always my friend.  When the buds open and the flowers bloom, when the bees buzz and the fruit starts to bear.....it makes me feel renewed also.  I have made a decision that I am tired of worrying about this.  I'm tired of feeling bad, sad, etc.  The sun does help.  And spring most definitely helps.
I am feeling much better.  Be gone, cancer!  Out of my body and my head!  Yep, feeling much better......

Doctor

Follow-up appointment with Oncologist today.  Blood work looked better but still out of normal range.  Just going to follow up with blood work again in 3 months.  He said he didn't think another scan now would be necessary.  I didn't push the issue.  Not sure why I didn't push it but I just let it go.  I am tired of worrying about it but know that it won't ever really go away.  Just need to learn to live with it.
Hope spring helps me out of the doldrums.  Going to try to start walking again at lunch too which should help.  No idea........

Crying and weakness

Last time I cried was in August, 2012.  Before that was probably February, 2012.  Before that was probably a very long time.  I HATE to cry.  It gives me a headache, makes my face look funny, my eyes puffy, and doesn't really solve anything.
I cried last night.  And afterwards all I felt was weak and stupid.
Every time I feel like I am digging out of this funk......I don't.

Another wait and see.....I hate this!

PET/CT scan done 1/21/13.  Came back with three things to "keep an eye on".  One mildly enlarged lymph node at the base of my neck (7mm)......been there about a month...I noticed it.....but it isn't too big.  Two mildly enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen (1cm each)......will watch but I'm pretty sure they weren't there at the time of my last scan.  And small sclerotic areas on my left femoral head (left hip)...they think these are bone islands which are benign but will watch it too.
So, anxiety abounds.  Don't know if I should be concerned or not.  If doc is OK with waiting then maybe I should be too?
Ugh.

Time for more scanxiety

I went through the time line and the good news is that it has almost been a year since I was diagnosed with a return of BC.  The bad news is it is almost time to go through all the scans again.  That creates a tremendous amount of anxiety....which we have dubbed scanxiety.  It will have been a year since my bone scan so I will have to have another one very soon.  Same for the CT but since we did one in September for a possible pulmonary embolism after surgery we may wait on that one.   I see my oncologist on 12/18/12 and we will decide when to do the scans.  The bone is where the most folks get metastases if they get them at all.  That's the one I am most concerned with.  Well also the lung.  That would suck to get it in my lung(s).
Here's hoping for a calm Christmas season and a very Happy New Year!

I saw beauty.

We went to the Grand Canyon and there are no words to express the Beauty that I saw there.  It made me know how small I am.

Oh well, HELL!

Every time I start feeling like I might be coming out of the funk something happens to pull me back in.
I am still having the headaches but I THINK that it is coming from me gritting my teeth at night.  So I need to get some mouth guards to see if that will help.  Now my shoulder has started bothering me.  It's always something.  And now every twinge is the cancer coming back!
The shoulder is on the right (side of BC) and it aches so bad, especially in the morning.  It seems to dwindle in pain during the day but every day for the last 4-5 days it has hurt so bad that I have had to move my mouse pad to the left side and let the shoulder just hang. Hard to type or write this way.
I am scheduled to see my onc. in December and in January it will have been a year since a bone scan so I think I will request he schedule one for me in January.  If this continues though I am going to have to put my arm in a sling.  Two week rule now in affect.  If it lasts that long then it probably means something is really wrong.
I am 99% sure it is not BC...it's that 1% that bothers me.

Time

It may be a cliche' but I am coming around to believe that "Time really does heal all wounds."

What is normal?

I know for anybody who reads this blog regularly they know that I repeat myself.  I try not to do this but sometimes I do anyway.  So for that I apologize.  I think I repeat myself because this is all I am feeling now-a-days.  Anyway, here goes.
I need a change so badly.  Just a change of scenery may make the biggest difference.  And I don't mean a vacation.  I mean a change.  And in addition to that I feel so non-normal.  I don't know how to feel normal any more.  I feel like an alien in a bunch of regular folks.  But when I come across a BC sister I feel so akin to them.  Love for them flows through me.  They understand me.  They are aliens too.  None of us know normal anymore.  There is no new normal.  Nothing is normal ever again.
I thought after the first time with BC that as the years went by I would feel more normal  and I think I did.  And then I was blindsided. So I feel like this time I will be "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".  I'll never believe in normal again.  I'll never believe that everything will be OK.  I will forever look over my shoulder waiting for the BEAST to rear its ugly head at me.
I hate it.  But I don't know how to change it.  I just know that if I don't get a change in scenery soon I may go more nuts than I already am.  I know....hard to believe but it could happen.

What?

So I hadn't heard from my surgeon at UNC since March and he had told me that he wanted to see me after 6 months.  So I emailed him and the nurse liaison and heard back from her.  This is what Delma said, "Well, the good news is that we clearly consider you cured and a survivor in surveillance.  There is no indication for scans or lab work during surveillance for breast cancer that has been cured."
WHAT???  Is she kidding me?  I was HOT!  And within a few minutes the doctor had emailed her and said, "Delma- I usually like to see patients back for surveillance at least for a year." 
She has lost her mind.  If it was the first time for BC then MAYBE he wouldn't want to see me but this is the 2nd time!  My oncologist said at the very least I should be scanned every 4-6 months for the next 3 years.  People like Delma should really know what they are talking about before they say something.
And it goes on.
 

All clear!

When I saw my oncologist, Dr. Huffman, recently he and I discussed that I am an emotional mess.  I mentioned this before.  He listened to me and my symptoms and we did a CT scan and a brain scan.  I assume that in the next couple of months I will get a bone scan also.  Anyway, both the CT scan and brain scan were normal.  No evidence of disease (NED)!  Great news!
So what is wrong with me?  I am very frustrated.  Sigh.

What's been happening.

I had a breast revision on 9/18/12.  My new foobs are beautiful!  They are exactly what I wanted.  My plastic surgeon is a genius!
I finally saw my oncologist and gave him a list of symptoms I have been having and from that and seeing my plastic surgeon I had a CT scan and am scheduled for a brain scan next week.  My CT scan came back OK but with "mild cardiomegaly".  After looking this up I am convinced that this OR hyperthyroidism could be my problem.
Anyway Dr. Huffman, my oncologist, raised my anti-depressant from 10mg to 20mg in hopes that it will improve my mood.  We'll see.  He also listened to me and told me why this time has been so much harder on me than last time.  He reminded me that so many women get BC that the first time I was "part of the crowd" or "one of the many".  But this time....recurrence is NOT the norm....it doesn't happen to all the women and it means that I will have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.  Kinda put it into perspective for me.  If this is gonna be the new normal then maybe I can live with it.  Hmmm?
So due to the daily headaches and the vertigo he is getting me a brain MRI.  I've never had one of those.  Do you think they will at the very least find a brain?
Will report back to the class later.