Blogged Down

Shoulda taken 2 happy pills today!

2012-02-15T06:11:00.001-08:00

I am a bit nervous today as tomorrow is my surgery. And I am finding that I am a bit "short" with everyone. I am trying so hard to be brave and for the most part I am brave. It's so weird but I am totally OK with the surgery until I begin to think of lying there in a room full of people totally naked and then the cutting begins. That's when I start freaking out. So I try not to think about that part...only the part where I fall asleep and then wake up all done.
God will hear from me a lot during these last hours before surgery. Prayer usually calms me....I hope today is no different.

I am sooooo not strong.....

2012-02-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

In fact, currently, I am a bundle of nerves. The closer it gets to this surgery that will put me down for weeks the more bundled my nerves get. In fact, I had a moment yesterday when I decided that I just was not going to do it. I didn't have an alternative but knew that I didn't want to have this surgery. And then my sane mind took over and asked me, "If you don't do this then what will you do?" I had no answer. So I decided to do the surgery.
I feel sure that between now and next Thursday I will waffle many times. But finally I will do what I should do and remove the tumor.
I am such a whimp.

Sometimes reading too much is not good.

2012-02-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

At least this is what Tom tells me. I, on the other hand, am a planner which means I need to know exactly what I am in for and how I need to prepare for the surgery coming up. So I've read hundreds of posts about BMX and DIEP reconstruction from my peeps at Breastcancer.org and it has been helpful and terrifying.
The closer I get to surgery the more terrified I am. I continue to pray and that calms me but as soon as I "take back my problems from God" the anxiety begins again. I think about drains, and pain and constipation.....oh my! I know I will get through it and will ultimately forget the pain, etc., but for now I am overwhelmed. I know....this too shall pass.

Am I selfish or crazy?

2012-02-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an especially hard day for me. After speaking to Dr. Huffman about the Her2 status and him telling me he wants to do Femara and Herceptin after surgery then I went to the Internet and started reading about the side effects of these drugs. The are very bad, very expensive drugs. I don't want to take them. So I started thinking about quality of life vs. quantity of life and I have always said I'd rather live a short life and have fun than live a long life suffering. Tom's sister prolonged her life with all kinds of trial drugs and she suffered greatly. But she did it to spend as much time as she could with her children. I have no children. But I have Tom and would it be selfish of me not to do everything I can to be around with him so we can grow old together? The person left behind when someone dies is the person that suffers. It's not the one that dies.
I finally talked to Tom last night about how I was feeling and the great thing about him is he doesn't try to influence me in any way. He gives me his opinion but lets me make the decision. I told him about being selfish and if I didn't take these drugs then I would have to do 1 of 2 other things. I would either have to dramatically change my lifestyle.....no alcohol, lose weight (which I'd like to do anyway), eat only fruits and vegetables for the rest of my life, exercise regularly (which again wouldn't be that bad of a thing).....but Wendy would become a very sad girl. OR, I would have to sit around doing what I do now and wait until the Beast came back.....and it most likely would. Whatever is in my body letting the Beast thrive will stay there unless I drastically change things. But I don't know if I am willing or even able to do this. That's where the selfish part comes in.
I am not afraid to die. Death is a part of life. I just didn't think it might be so soon.
I am not giving up, folks. I am merely weighing everything that life has thrown at me recently. So I will have surgery, we will retest the tumor and go from there. Until then I place it in God's more than capable hands.

I am a legitimate freak of nature

2012-02-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

So I had a second opinion yesterday. It was with my former oncologist. He told me something that I did not know. It appears that my biopsy had two different labs test it. One lab found ER 1% +, PR-, and Her2-. The other lab found ER 13%+, PR-, and Her2+. He said that happens sometimes. So what he wants to do is to go ahead with the surgery and then afterwards, unless they find positive nodes, he wants to forego chemo but start Femara and possibly Herceptin.

So I guess I'm no longer in the TriNeg group...so weird how things can change. I asked him if this was a new primary and he said probably. Maybe little guys from last tumor but histologically speaking they are different.

Then I find out that unless they verified the Her2 status that it could be false - or +...either way. I would rather not be Her2+...this is: HER2 protein overexpression can result in malignant transformation of cells. It is a more agressive type of tumor and with being a grade 3 anyway.....aggression is its middle name.

So I don't know what to think. One minute I believe that I am triple negative again and then they start throwing all these other acronyms at me along with names of drugs that I have never had to deal with and know nothing about. I feel like a freak.

So it appears that my surgery will be on 2/16/12. I am ready. I will lay it all in God's hands and He will do His will.

I hate this disease.

2012-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

I have been thru this before so I kind of know what to expect and how to feel about what is happening to me. I have a co-worker who just had a partial mastectomy and now has 8 months of chemo and radiation to look forward to. My heart breaks for her. You are plugging along thru life and then one day "BAM", your life is never the same again.
In some ways it can be better if you open yourself to what having cancer can teach you about life and the things that are really important. It can make it worse because you never feel safe again. You are always looking over your shoulder waiting on cancer to strike again. Even if you let it go and live your life free from worry the nag of it never completely goes away.
So, here it is again for me, my co-worker is suffering from it, and really we all know someone that has had it. It is the beast. I hate the beast.

Still waiting for something or other

2012-01-26T13:24:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. I have seen so many doctors I am beginning to have "white coat syndrome". I have had a sentinel node biospy that didn't take a node.....interesting how that was explained to me. I have been told that I need chemo and then told that I don't need it.
And now I am waiting for a date for surgery. I have settled on a bilateral mastectomy with a DIEP "free flap" reconstruction. The surgery will last around 8-12 hours and I will be in the hospital for around 5 days, two of which will be spent in ICU. Then 6-8 weeks of recovery. I plan on taking my time getting back to work.
It sounds rough but I am pretty strong and have alot of faith that God will take care of me during it all. Now we just need to get Tom healthy enough to take care of me.
Life is what happens when you're planning other things. Peace.

If the cancer doesn't kill me the waiting will!

2012-01-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

Since finding out I have another breast tumor that is confirmed to be cancer I have been wrestling with where to have the surgery, etc. Went to UNC because Tom really wanted me to and liked the surgeon and other docs and nurses that we met. Dr. Amos, the breast surgeon, ordered a CT scan for me to rule out cancer in the lungs, liver or brain. Bone scan was clear! I had the CT scan on this past Tuesday and it is now Friday and no one has called me with the results. I emailed one of the ladies that has been helping me with my FMLA paperwork and she forwarded the request to the nurse who takes care of such things. When I didn't hear from her then I called the Surgery department and left a message for Dr. Amos to call me and let me know the results. Still nothing.
How hard is it to pick up the phone and say "All clear, Wendy"...which then leads me to think that it might be bad news and they want to give it in person instead of over the phone? Aaarrrggghhh!!!

And here we go again?

2011-12-09T07:31:00.001-08:00

Had yearly mammogram yesterday and they found another mass. So I have to go get it biopsied on next Tuesday and should have to results the next day. Last time I was scared and now I am pissed! I do not want to go through this again. I can't afford to put on more weight, be out of work....and I don't particularly want to lose my hair again....even though I know if grows back.....I'm just mad!

Writing and miscellaneous ramblings

2010-10-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

First, there are only 24 more days before our trip to Costa Rica!!! I am so looking forward to having the time away from responsibilities and work. I am looking forward to doing new things that I've never done and pushing the limits of my fears. I used to live my life afraid to do so many things. But having breast cancer has changed all that. I am much more eager to jump in to new experiences and I don't worry what might happen anymore. Whatever is going to happen WILL and I have really no control over it. So LIFE, bring it on!
I went to see the new movie "Hereafter" this past weekend and enjoyed it very much. After I walked out of the theater I could not get it off my mind. If you truly believe that everything in this life happens for a reason then there really is reason to enjoy this movie. We are all intertwined in a cosmic dance and the thought of that is so exciting. I recommend you see this movie.
I have decided to try my hand at writing. I am no longer afraid to make this attempt. I am looking forward to putting some of what goes on in this mind of mine down on paper. Who knows if anyone will find it interesting, humorous or entertaining but I'm going to do it anyway. I look forward to see what the world has in store for me in the arena.
I crave change. I have always been that way. I like to move furniture around and make the room look different. I like to plant different things and then move them if they would look better somewhere else. I think change is healthy. I mean I don't want to change my husband or anything like that but I do crave change of some kind. I crave different work, a different place to live, different meals at Christmas and picnics, different places to go on vacation......anything that gives me a push to renew my spirit. If change doesn't happen often then my spirit becomes stagnant and I become apathetic. I hate that about myself.
Today is a beautiful day! In fact, today is the day the Lord has made....rejoice and be glad!

The Book of Awesome

2010-09-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

I had been feeling a little blue so I decided to buy "The Book of Awesome." This book is about reminding us that the little things in life can pass us by if we don't take notice. And these things can truly be very small.....popping bubble wrap, the cool side of the pillow, the laughter of a child, etc.
Each day I get in the shower and the first words out of my mouth are "Thank you, God, for this day." But its sad that I have to remember to notice that my life, while not perfect, is pretty damned good. Sure, we all have our "stuff" to deal with....right now there is a building layer of dust on several surfaces in my home and my bones ache more than they should for a 47 year old woman......but remembering the good stuff will help the hurt stop hurting.
As I read further into this book I am sure that I will be posting more about it. We've always heard "Stop and smell the roses" but until I got cancer I never really got what that means. I do now and I challenge anyone reading this to remember to do the same.
Life really is good. Find something good about yours too.

Bad hip......

2010-06-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Only a person who had cancer before would actually be glad to only have torn cartilage in their hip! I was so worried.....yes, I had worried myself into a tizzy.......about the return of the "beast" as it is called. Come to find out there is a problem but it is not life threatening. Although if you think about it just living is life threatening. Anyway, the MRI showed a torn labrum in my hip. Will go find out how bad it is....unfortunately it will NOT heal on its own......and then decide what to do after that. Just another thing. I told my husband that he got a lemon and that I must have been made on a Monday! Come to find out I was born on a Sunday!
Relief has overwhelmed me once again. One day "it" will leave my mind. That day has yet to come. It is my greatest wish that one day pain and suffering will be no more. Thanks for listening.

More Hip pain

2010-06-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

Just took an 800mg Ibuprofen. Was sitting here at work and my hip was aching so badly that I wanted to cry. I'm now waiting on pain med to work. Last Saturday I went to the 5K Susan Komen Race for the Cure in Raleigh. Sunday I paid dearly for it. What is wrong with it? Went to GP and he gave me a Prenisone taper (which I very reluctantly took - hated it and put on weight because of it) and ordered an Xray. Xray showed nothing.....zip. So after taking the Prednisone poison and it not helping I have asked Onc. to schedule an MRI. Tumor markers are fine. All blood work is fine. Something is wrong with my hip.
MRI is Monday, 6/21. I am so afraid that it will show nothing.......or show something. Either way I just want to know why my hip bothers me all the time now. And the pain has moved around in the hip. It was on the side only.....then moved across the front toward the groin area.....then around the back toward the buttock. My lower back aches sometimes and my sciatic flares sometimes also. But it all hurts....sitting, walking, standing.......all the time.
Just want to know what the issue is so I can begin fixing it. Pray it isn't mets.

When does concern become obssesive worry?

2010-04-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what is happening to me. The past couple of months I have started having a pain in my hip and it is beginning to concern me. I started losing some weight and exercising more and since then my hip hurts worse. I thought it might be an exercise injury but it actually doesn't hurt while I am exercising. It hurts when I am at rest. It hurts especially bad at night, sitting on the couch or lying in the bed. It is not my sciatic nerve but rather if you stood with your hands down at your side it would be just above where the heel of your hand hits your hip. Or where the top of the leg meets the hip.....or where the bottom of your underwear hugs your hip......etc. It hurts to the bone. I can press on it and it hurts bad or I can just sit there and it hurts......a dull, constant ache. Sometimes the pain is felt all the way down my leg to my knee. I find it difficult to get comfortable. Aspirin, Ibuprofen, etc......does nothing to help. I am unsure of what to do.
I have panicked before and made my doctor do scans that showed nothing. I do not want to panic again. But I find myself reading the forums and searching the web for bone metastases. In the last two weeks I have spent waaayyyy to much time doing this. Its becoming obsessive and I'm not sure why. I've always said, and still feel, that if the cancer comes back then I will deal with it. There really is nothing I can do to prevent it from coming back. It either will or it won't. Do you sense a "but" coming? I think its the not knowing that is making me obsess. If I know what is happening then I can begin dealing with it. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Osteopenia

2010-02-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

Well, doc says that I now have Osteopenia. This is the step just before Osteoporosis. And he wants me to take Fosamax. Sounds like this is typical. I've read that most women my age are on their way to Osteopenia anyway. And throw in post-menopausal and having gone through chemo and so this is really no surprise. Just another thing.

2 years ago today

2009-11-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

It was 2 years ago today that I was told I had breast cancer. I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband waiting for this doctor to tell me what I knew to be true. That I was perfectly fine. I knew it with my whole heart that I would walk out of there with good news. Tom told me later that he had watched the nurse at the front desk look at a chart and then look at me with dread in her eyes. He knew then that I was sick. Once the doctor told me I had cancer I think I thought at first that I must be in a dream. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be me. I felt fine. My body had not turned on me in that way. Thankfully, Tom was there to listen and ask questions and then we left. On the way to the car Tom held my hand and I asked, "Did he just tell me that I have breast cancer?" And Tom just turned and hugged me. I felt bad for him because I knew that he would want to "fix it" but this time he couldn't.
That day I felt helpless and strong all at the same time. Sounds weird, doesn't it? I knew that cancer had gotten me but I felt sure that it wouldn't beat me. That was the beginning of my journey and there were times that I felt like maybe it would beat me. But those times would pass and I would feel strong again.
What do you do on a day like today? Do you celebrate for having made it through the journey? Do you mourn for the time lost when you felt bad and helpless? Do you feel angry because it happened? Or do you embrace the fact that it did happen and nothing can change it?
I think that I will embrace it as a part of my life that happened. "Each place along the way is somewhere you had to be in order to be here." And I totally agree.

Forgetting to remember

2009-10-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

I told my husband I want a tattoo. Just a small one of a pink ribbon on the inside of my wrist. He asked why and I told him that I want to always remember. When I went through cancer I arrived on the other side with a new appreciation of life. And I asked the question, "How does one keep this feeling? How do I prevent life from sneaking back in and taking over?" Or something to that effect. And now I am living that. I am forgetting to remember that I have been through something that will forever trump dirty dishes in the sink, or my son's messy bedroom, or the drive to work, or the car not starting, or my boss chewing on me, etc. I want to always remember.
After 9/11 when everyone was nice to one another and spoke kinder and softer and flew their flags......remember that? And then slowly we started to forget that we are ONE nation......together......it hurts me that we forget to remember that we are not the enemy of each other. I don't want to forget to remember.
It's so hard not to let life take over. So I want a tattoo to help me remember. But my husband doesn't like the idea. I just am not sure he understands.

Ups and downs

2009-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was told by women that had been thru it that I would "feel" every ache and pain differently now. Every time I had a cough that lingered I would think, "It's back - it has come back in my lungs" or if my bones ached then it would be, "Now I have bone cancer, I just know it!" I didn't believe them, really, and probably because it was all so new to me and I had no idea what I was getting into. Well, I can tell you that it is true. I've said here that I will not worry about the cancer coming back because it either will or it won't and worrying about it won't change that. Oh that sounds so good, doesn't it? So easy?
The mind is a scary thing. It can take a very small thing and if one dwells on it long enough then that small thing can be blown up into something that is too big to fathom. My aches and pains have done this to me. And it doesn't bother me all the time. Just sometimes. Somedays my ribs hurt under my breasts and I just know that the cancer has spread. Or I keep coughing and coughing and swear that next time I go to see the Onc. that I will have a chest x-ray and they will find "it". Why do we do this to ourselves? What does it help?
I had hoped that I would be able to know my body well enough to feel if there were any changes. But hell, I didn't even know I was sick in the first place. So how do you know? What do you do?
When someone comes up with an answer let me know. And don't worry. This is a down time but I will be back UP!
Peace to all of you. Namaste'.

May 20th is an anniversary for me

2009-05-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

I read in the forums that women give their anniversary date as the date of their diagnosis. I totaly disagree with that. The day of my diagnosis I still had cancer. So my anniversary of is the day of my last treatment. Of course, this is in my humble opinion.
So, May 20th will be the anniversary that I choose to celebrate. On May 20th, 2008, I had completed 4 rounds of chemo and 35 radiation treatments. On this May 20th I will celebrate being cancer free for one year! It is an incredible thing that has happened to me in this last year. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing prettier, the smells are sweeter, the laughter is better, everything is MORE! Living is so much more than the drudgery that most people make it out to be!
Anyway, I am happy to say that I am 13 days away from my 1 year anniversary and am so grateful for every wonderful moment on this beautiful earth! My hope for the future is that you know the same great peace that I have found. Namaste'.

Doing well

2009-04-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

Haven't written in a while because truthfully life is back to normal again. Other than putting on some pounds and being tired because of them (the extra pounds, that is) I feel normal. And normal is good! I never thought I'd appreciate normal as much as I do.
My family is well and so far my health is also. I had a bone scan because I had something in my blood that was troubling the doctor but it turned out to be nothing. I have more blood tests in early May so I may write the results here. I fully expect the news to be good. If its not, then I will deal with whatever comes my way in the best way I know how.
I wish you all great peace. Namaste'.

I have a question........

2009-01-29T09:13:00.001-08:00

If "we" are so sure that "everything happens for a reason" then why do we fight what IS? Do we think we are smarter than God?

I am so tired

2009-01-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

When one is "aware" then they know that complaining is nonproductive. So, I TRY not to complain. Today my boss told me that I need to work on my attitude. This from someone who constantly allows my co-worker to carry around a bad attitude and speak to him in ways that consistently amaze me. So, at lunch I went to the treadmill and started walking and trying to get in touch with my inner self. The self that is aware of why she is doing the things that she is. It is my conclusion that I am tired. So, following are facts - not complaints - and they are my feelings at the present moment.
I am tired of driving 2 hours a day to hear nothing but complaints. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to drown in the amount of work given and then have more requests heaped upon me. I am tired of driving two hours a day to work to have people tell me that I should just be glad to have a job. Don't you think I know that? Mostly, I am tired of driving two hours a day to work and miss that two hours a day with my family - even if my family consists of only my husband and 4 dogs.
When I started reading A New Earth and then subsequently moved on to researching Buddhism I reminded myself that when I found out that I had cancer I promised myself that I would have a lot of fun in this life. And when things were fun anymore then I would move to something else. I am just not having fun anymore. And because of that I am irritable and angry and do not like myself much. Whatever that means.
Anyway, in this economy it is a lousy time to look for a new job but I feel I must. Fun is the most important thing. "Living" this life is the most important thing. Being aware and living a good spiritual life is the most important thing. It ain't happening right now. And I HAVE to get back to it!

Too hard to be good

2008-12-05T14:11:00.001-08:00

I've decided its too hard to be good. I will try my best but am not going to beat myself up if I have a beer or mixed drink every once in a while. Cancer will return or it won't. I will not live my life in fear of it. Instead I will live having as much fun as possible while trying to do cancer fighting things.
I want to talk about Buddhism. As I read "A New Earth" the author spoke of Buddhism so I became intrigued. I started reading about it and was surprised at how little I knew about it. First and foremost, it is NOT a religion as much as it is a path to peace. And in my quest for enlightenment I have decided to give it a chance. Its funny that a couple of people saw the book on my desk at work, and even my husband at home, and they were surprised and even a bit concerned for me. I suspect it is that they don't know much about Buddhism either. They are most likely misinformed as I was.
Anyway, I am intrigued to the point that I want to visit a Buddhist Center in Raleigh, NC. I find that searching for peace and enlightenment is not the way to find it. The way to find it is to SEE what is already here. Most people are so busy looking for that THING that will make them happy that they fail to see what they already have, are, etc.
If reading about Buddhism gives me peace then that's OK. Don't worry I won't turn radical because peace has no enemies. Peace is about seeing the good in all things. I am trying and some days it is easier than others. But I find that I am a much easier person to be around. Even for myself.
Much love to all who have been with me through this and all parts of this life that I live. Thanks you for your love and well wishes. I wish for you nothing but peace.

Eating to live instead of living to eat

2008-10-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

Since reading the book "AntiCancer: A new way of life" I have decided to start eating better and drinking less. In my previous post you probably saw that I was struggling with this because no matter what you do or don't do in this life there are no guarantees. I could continue as I have in the past and never get cancer again. Or I could do everything right and cancer may still return. One just never knows. However, if I begin this path of healthy eating/living and still get cancer then again I can say to myself, "I did everything I possibly could to prevent this from happening." That was my thing about doing chemo also. I didn't want to say, "If only I had done the chemo...., etc." There are certain things that I have absolutely no control over: I am a woman, I am over 40, I am post-menopausal, etc. But the things that I DO have control over will be taken in hand.
So eating better is not as easy as one might think. I have cut out all sugar, aspartame, splenda, etc except for the occassional dark choclate fix. I have stopped drinking alcohol with the exception of 1 glass of red wine a day and a glass unfortunately is only 5 ounces. Boo Hiss! So to psyche myself out I add seltzer water to it or even drink pomegranate juice or blueberry juice out of my wine glass! How crazy is that?! Not drinking has been very difficult for me. I was a 1 beer and 2 drinks (whiskey and diet sprite) gal every day and on the weekends - well God only knew how many drinks it would be! Depended on how much football was on! I hope it gets easier as I move on!
No diet sodas anymore. In fact, no sodas anymore! No white bread anymore! Try that one too! Pizza, crackers, pretzels.....all made from white flour. No cookies! I am going nuts! I have dicovered fruit smoothies and they are delicious but they don't stay with me that long. This is going to be very tough to try to be healthy and prevent cancer from coming back. Very difficult in this fast food world we live in!
Eating better is also more expensive. Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and fish can get pricey. As you can see I believe I am a little resentful at having chosen this route. I hope I can get over that too.
Have also started walking at lunch several times a week. That should help also.
This is about living the best life that I can. This is about being happy and healthy. This is about having a good attitude so that it exudes to others. This is about sending out positive energy to the world. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I will give it my best shot! Wish me luck!
Cheers to all - even if its only with juice in a wine glass!

A Huge Dilemma

2008-10-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

When I was going through cancer treatments I chatted on the boards and got to "know" several people and what they were/are going through. One of the blogs that I read regularly, and still do, is http://howidealwithwhatiwasdealt.blogspot.com/ . Laurie is a wonderful writer and I have enjoyed reading her blogs and have much sympathy for her plight. She wrote recently about a book called "AntiCancer: A New Way of Life" so I decided to read it. I am about 3/4 of the way through it and thus, following is my dilemma.
One of the things we do as humans is to always want and look for more. We see this as the opportunity to fulfill ourselves; to make us seem worthy to others and to ourselves. It is in our very nature to take things for granted and NOT make the most of the days of our lives. When something like cancer strikes someone it is likely that they will re-evaluate their lives for what is most important. And when they do that they realize that enjoying this life is the MOST important thing to do. Enjoying one's life can be accomplished in many ways but enjoying it is at the forefront.
When I found out about the cancer and read the book, "A New Earth", I decided that enjoying my life would be the #1 thing from now on. I began a "Bucket List" after watching that movie and have learned to de-stress, forgive, ask for forgiveness, love more deeply, speak more kindly, etc.
This new book is about learning what foods to give up to make one less susceptible to the return of the cancer, exercising to help with that also, and not allowing stress the run your life. It is about the things to do to make one live longer.
Here's my dilemma for those of you that haven't already figured it out. I want to LIVE for a long time - cancer-free. However, I also want to enjoy every moment that I have on this earth. I want to eat good food, spend time with my family, travel, drink good drinks.......you get the picture. What does one do? Does one trick themselves into thinking that eating well, exercising and not drinking is the best way to enjoy their life? And let's say they do everything right and the cancer still returns - what then? Think on that one for a while and if you come up with an answer I'd love to hear it!

A little bit of Anxiety among friends

2008-09-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

Do you know who you are? And I don't mean the "I am Wendy Smith, a wife, step-mother, daughter, IT Specialist, college graduate, etc, etc, etc......" I mean deeper than that. Don't worry if you don't. I don't either. And its OK. The greater feat is to be OK with not knowing. Uncertainty is almost always uncomfortable. But if you can be OK with not knowing who you are at a deeper level than the labels in the above sentence then you are on the path to awareness. The awareness of the BEING-NESS of all things. Think about that one for a while.
I went for my second 3 month cancer checkup this past Tuesday. For some reason I had to wait for almost an hour in the room until the doctor could see me to give me my test results. I asked him after we had gone through everything if the anxiety of these visits ever goes away. He said no. He said the anxiety will diminish with each passing visit that one is told that they appear to still be cancer free but it will never totally go away. For some reason I was more anxious this time than last. I guess I figured that perhaps there would still be some chemo in my body last time and that would inhibit any growth (if there is anything left growing). But this time I was more anxious for a couple of reasons. First, with my cancer which was more aggressive the first 2 years are critical. After the first 2 years and with each year after that the odds continue to go way down that it will recur. But during those first 2 years there is a pretty high incidence of recurrence. So holding my breath for 2 years doesn't sound like much fun but I guess I will just have to not worry about it. Easier said than done. Also, the waiting was killing me. In my mind I could see the doctor reading my test results and trying to figure out the best way to tell me that "it" had come back. But, thankfully, all is well once again and he wants to push our next meeting out to 4 months instead of the usual 3. OK by me. But those moments before you get your results are tense ones. Even if you decide in your mind that worrying is a waste of time - you still can't help but worry a little. And this time - I just had a strange feeling. Good to know that it was all in my head.
All is well in my life. I have started doing things on my "Bucket List" and can cross off visiting the big City of New York. We went to see my sister, Margie, in New Jersey and then went over to the City. We enjoyed it very much and got to see lots of sites. Next up - white water rafting and skydiving.....I hope. Everyone should have a list of things they want to do and DO THEM. Don't wait because you are not guaranteed another day. Enjoy this day to its maximum - even if its only hugging the one you love.

Dogs

2008-08-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

We went to let my male dog impregnate a female dog this weekend. Interesting stuff - dogs when one is in heat and the other is always on GO! We always place human emotions, feelings, etc., onto our animals but really they are very basic. It is innate in them to do certain things and we must remember that. Anyway, the breeding is over and hopefully in a couple of months we will see new babies. I love puppies - as do most folks - but I had forgotten how much they cry at night. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. But when the baby falls asleep in my lap it almost makes it worthwhile.
So, I am inserting a few pictures of my new hair. It, too, is interesting. But I'm beginning to like it very much. It will be fun to see what it looks like in a few months.
OK, that's about all I have to say. Good wishes on great health to all!

I have an afro!

2008-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

I do not mean to offend - even though I have every right to say whatever I feel - but I have an afro! I mean my hair is so curly that it is afro-like! I am so NOT used to this! My husband laughs at me and tells me that he thinks that I have the "curse of the curly hair" and will "hate it". He had very curly hair when he was young and hated it so much. I have always wanted curly hair and am damn glad to have hair so I doubt I will complain much, if any, about it. I will try to post a picture soon as it is hard to believe when you look at old pictures of me.
Anyway, all is well and I hope that each of you are well also. Cheers!

The Heat

2008-07-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

The heat really gets to me now. I never really cared for extreme heat but now it seems that it takes so much more out of me. The energy that I so desperately want back is coming slowly. I think it may take longer for me to get back to "normal" so I shall wait. In the meantime I am trying not to complain about it. I just seem to need more naps than before. Sleep is a welcome retreat from the rigors of life. But then I have always loved to sleep.
So many people have told me to come back here and write more but it seems like when I do come here that all I end up doing is complaining and I don't want to do that. Life is good and I can't ask for more that I have at this moment. Work is work but it seems like it stresses me less than it used to so that it is a good thing.
I continue to read and try to awaken to my inner and outer life purposes. Sometimes I am pretty good at it and most times I get lost in the ways of the rest of the world where it is easier to complain, whine, moan about all that is going wrong instead of focusing on all that is right. Its very hard to do in the world that we live in. But it can be done. I continue to work toward it.
Things have been going well. It seems that Tom and I are busier than normal this summer - going and going more and more. Maybe having had cancer makes me know that tomorrow may not get here so do what you want to do today instead of waiting. Its really a shame that it took a life-altering event to make me "see the light" but in my case I can be very hard-headed.
It has almost been a year since my father died and I miss him very much. I know that he is in a much better place and having read "A New Earth" I realize too that his energy is still here. I never thought much about the fact that energy doesn't die and any energy that resides in the body will not die when the body dies but will rather move to another place. So I feel that my father's energy is still with me and that makes me feel better.
Anyway, know that I am still around and happy and healthy (to my knowledge) and things are going well. Take it easy, everybody. LIVE now because if you don't when are you going to?

Fear and Doubt

2008-07-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

When I first found out that I had breast cancer people were kind enough to call me and enlighten me about the path that I was getting ready to embark upon. One of the people that called me was a nurse who worked for my OB-GYN doctor. He had asked her to call me to try to alleviate some of my fears and answer some of my questions. She called me out of the blue and talked to me for about 1/2 hour. She told me that I would finally get to the place, after treatment was over and life was beginning to get back to normal, where I wouldn't be concerned over every ache and pain that came up. She told me that I would stop worrying that the cancer had returned every time my breast hurt or I coughed and assumed that it had moved to my lungs. When she told me this I didn't really think much about it because I had yet to even go through my treatment so I was focused on that first. Do you sense a BUT coming? Now that my treatment is over and life is returning to normal I do find myself considering, "What is this new ache under my arm? Why is my cough getting worse? Has the cancer moved into my lungs? Is the breast cancer back?" I believe that it is very human to think these things. The problem comes in when we allow them to rule our lives. Fear can be a great motivator and it can cause one to be delusional. Delusion happens when the fear is allowed to become REAL.
I find that I do have those thoughts. And I don't like having them. I try my best not to allow them to stay around very long in my mind. I return to the present moment where all is well. But I believe that the girl was right when she told me that these thoughts will go away. I just have to give it time to happen.
Probably alot of women who have gone through breast cancer and come out the other side are interested in helping other people get through their trauma. And one of the ways we consider helping is by writing a book. If I thought I was creative enough I would attempt to write a book about this whole episode of my life but I fear that instead of helping others I would just bore them to tears. BUT, if I were going to write a book I have come up with a clever title. At least I think its clever. "I never loved my hair so much as I did after chemo" or "The Curls of Chemo". HA!
So, my hair is coming in and doing some strange things. I have never had more than a wave in my hair and that only appeared after my hysterectomy - I assume it had something to do with hormones, or lack thereof. However, now that my hair is growing back it is coming back with a pretty fierce wave/curl to it. I like it. But then I'm just glad its coming back at all.

Normal

2008-06-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I guess its normal for folks who have been through a life altering experience to begin to question their lives and why they do certain things. Since being diagnosed with cancer and especially since reading "A New Earth" I have become increasingly dissatisfied with working at my job. Not necessarily because I don't like my job - which I do (most of the time), and I am certainly blessed to even have a job, but more because I would rather spend my time on this earth, in this life, doing other things. When I first began treatment I started talking to my husband about selling our home and moving into a double-wide on a large plot of land and getting that dream land that we have always wanted. He smiled and said, "Let's wait and see what happens and get through all of this first." He was right, of course, but I still find that I am ready to put away some of the "stuff" of this world and our lives. It used to be that I wanted to be the best in my job and wanted to make lots of money and blah, blah, blah. Now, those things just don't seem to matter much anymore. I just want to spend time with my family, and my dogs and do those things that I find interesting and more fun. I have become indifferent to alot of things - passive almost. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is as it is. Don't get me wrong. I feel very blessed to have all that we do. I just don't need it that much anymore.

I am doing fine

2008-06-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is the first chance I've had to tell everyone that I am doing fine. My tumor markers were fine and so was all other items tested with the exception of low blood sugar. But nothing really to worry about. And I won't worry anyway.
My energy is coming back and I have been walking everyday on the treadmill which helps alot. Remember, I have 18 pounds to take back off! But that will come - 1 pound at a time.
I told my husband the other night, when sitting outside on our back porch, that I am happier than I have been in years. It amazes me how much letting go of little things will give you a different perspective on life. Every once in a while I find myself slipping back into the old patterns and it scares me. I can't go back there! I can't return to the person I was. At least I am more aware and when those times come up I can recognize them and surpress them. Whew! Thank goodness for that!
I walked in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Walk a couple of weeks ago and loved it! It made me very sad, however, that there even has to be such a thing but I chose to look at the bright side of it and that women every day are LIVING instead of dying from breast cancer. And even as much as I hated it and do not have any idea what, long term it will do/has done to my body, really chemo and radiation was not that bad in the grand scheme of it all. If that's the worse thing I ever have to go through then I am blessed. And if there is more to come then I will deal with it.
So for now, I am well. And I am happy. And, after all, what more could a person ask for?

Anger and Hair - odd combination, I know!

2008-06-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

First a word about anger. Five years ago I was fired from my job. The person that fired me was a friend of mine that had asked me to come and work for him as he grew his brand new business. In fact, his family and our family were very good friends. So after I was fired I was angry and we didn't speak (other than an email or two) for about 3 1/2 years. Even when seeing each other in the store things were tense.
A few months ago I realized that anger is a waste of time and energy and as I have become more aware I have realized this even more. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to show us what is really important in our lives. And not holding on to past anger is very important to me. In fact, I realized that I wasn't even angry anymore. I played a part in what happened to me also. I am responsible for my actions and no one on this earth can DO things TO me. I make my own destiny in everything that I say and do. Since then I have felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. I have reached out and tried to become friends with these folks again. My husband has not. He cannot let go of the grievance that he has for the gentleman that fired me. He thinks that since we were such good friends that things could have been handled better. Even though I have told Tom that it is partly my fault, what happened, he doesn't care. He says that this guy spit on our family by placing us in the position that he did. Financially we struggled after I was fired. And it took a couple of years to recover. Tom just can't forget or forgive that. So, I finally decided to ask these folks to my "No Mo' Chemo/Rad Party" and they, surprisingly, showed up. We actually had a pretty good time. And Tom and I had said that if this guy were to show up then that would show that he had evolved and maybe changed a little also.
Well, nothing has changed in Tom's mind. He said it was good to see them and he enjoyed spending time with them but they didn't talk about what happened so its all the same as it was before.
In A New Earth Eckhart talks about holding on to grievances and how that strengthens our ego. But he also talks about how we can only be responsible for ourselves and cannot make anyone else do/feel/BE what we want. So, I have told Tom that I will not bug him about this anymore. I have made peace with these folks in my heart, mind and soul and that's all I can do. I wish it could be different.
So, anger will eat you alive. It does nothing except strengthen your ego by strengthening the mental position you have. Its just not worth it. What does anger do for you? Does it make you feel right? Is feeling right more important than being happy? Not to me - not any more. In fact it is more worth it to me to apologize and be happy - even if it makes the other person think they were right. Because its OK for me that they feel that way. I have learned to feel what it feels like to be diminished. It is uncomfortable but not unbearable. When you can accept the unacceptable you find peace. It is a cool feeling.
Now, hair again. The hair on my body, as I mentioned before, is coming back. And when it is growing it is coming in straight out. Hair on my arms is sticking straight out. Hair on my face - straight out. Hair, everywhere, straight out! It is so weird looking!! But actually kind of funny. Anyway, am going to get the eyebrows waxed this weekend. At least they aren't sticking straight out - for the most part!
Had blood drawn for tumor markers today. Wish me luck! We'll find out in a week!

Race for the Cure

2008-06-04T12:40:00.001-07:00

I sent this email site to several folks but if I forgot you then please visit and do what you can to help. I sure appreciate it alot.

http://race.komennctriangle.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1323588

Had a little party for myself this past weekend - I know......the ultimate in ego - and we had a very good time. I am done with all treatments and now just go for check ups. I plan on being around a very long time.

What to say?

2008-05-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

Its interesting that I keep coming here, in fact I feel compelled to come here, and once I get here I have trouble coming up with something to say. So I'll try to come up with something that won't bore anyone.
Since I have started becoming more aware I tend to notice things more than I used to. Don't get me wrong......my mind is still full of static and I tend to wander in my mind still more than I want to.......but I am able to bring myself back into the present more than I used to be able to and I am much more calm than I used to be. I find that I don't get as angry, frustrated, or anxious as I used to. Its easier to tell folks that I love them and cherish their friendships. I have a new mantra - "I don't mind what happens". That doesn't mean that I LIKE everything that happens but I can accept it. Or at least I am trying. I have found that this life is alot easier if I can accept things that happen rather than fighting them. I don't know what caused my cancer but I do have a feeling that stress contributed greatly. So it is my wish to relieve the stress in my life. And by staying in the moment, not worrying about the future, and accepting the things that happen I can feel much more peace.
I am happy. I hope you are happy too.

A quick note about hair

2008-05-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note about hair and it growing back. I think that I mentioned that most of my hair fell out and even my eyebrows and eyelashes continued to fall out even after chemo was done. And I noticed that my "beard", as I lovingly call it, had fallen out. So all that peach fuzz that lived on my face was gone. Oh blessing of blessings!! Hallelujah! Uh oh......that which falls back eventually will grow back - except my husband's hair which it appears will not come back. So I leaned into the mirror last night and took a good look. WOW! You know how I said that alot of time a woman who has been thru chemo will have hair that will grow back thicker, darker and sometimes curly? Well the beard is coming back in and guess what?! It's thicker! Not darker yet but I am waiting. But not only is it thicker but when it is growing it is growing straight out. I mean I have the hairs ALL over my face that are sticking straight out!!! It isn't pretty. My hair dresser may have to wax more than my eyebrows soon!
Anyway, I thought that might interest some of you to know that we should all be careful what we wish for! It might just come true!
Cheers!

What's next?

2008-05-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

So, I was looking at my calendar today and happened to look at June. My next Oncologist appointment is June 13th. The week before I have to have blood drawn to have tumor markers measured. So I looked at what tests he had requested on my lab sheet and then decided to look those up and see what they mean. Here are the two that he requested: Cancer Antigen 27.29 (CA 27.29) and Carcinoembryonic Antigen (CEA). When I researched this I found the following: CA 27.29 test primarily measures metastatic carcinoma of the breast - which I do not have. So, of course, my ego got hold of me and briefly I freaked! My mind started telling me "stories" and I actually bought into them - as I said - briefly. Then I brought myself back to the present moment and realized that whatever I "think" MAY happen in the future is NOT REAL! Did you know that your body cannot tell the difference between a thought and the real thing? For example, if you hear a noise in your house at night and start to think, "Someone is breaking in!" then the body will react AS IF someone was really breaking in! Your heart rate will increase and your body will become stressed. Its wild! So my thoughts, about something of which I cannot control (btw), were making me crazy. So, here's my thought - HA - for the day: When your brain starts taking you somewhere in the future or the past - remember - there is nothing you can do about either one of those. The past cannot prevent you from being in the present moment and the future isn't even here yet - why worry? Worry is a waste of perfectly good time and energy.
When I go to the doctor he will tell me what he tells me. And in that moment I will accept whatever he says. Then, and only then, can I do anything about it.
Cheers to all! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

It is ALL OVER!

2008-05-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Today was the day of my last radiation. It is bittersweet because I have grown to appreciate my caregivers so much and I will miss them. But as I told them when I left, "I hope the next time I see you its in the grocery store or some place other than here!" They agreed. I imagine it is very hard for them also. They have a job where NO ONE wants to see them. The only people they see are sick. How hard! But I am more than estatic that it is over!!! My skin is glad also. My right breast feels like leather and looks pretty weird also. Its nice to have it in a place where it won't be seen by everyone though. The woman at the center with tonsil cancer had to lvie with her "leather skin" where everyone could see it. Just another thing to be grateful for!
I want to apologize if I have been "preaching". I am just putting down what is in my heart and sometimes I can get a little excited about my new found awareness.
So now it is seeing the Oncologist every three months for a while and a mammogram in about 5 months. I will have to see the Radiologist in 6 months. I have decided, however, to put it out of my mind. If it returns then I will deal with it. Otherwise I vow to LIVE my LIFE and enjoy every moment I can.
Thank you all for reading this and following my trip thru cancer. I have truly enjoyed putting my thoughts down here on this page. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Hair

2008-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am getting some hair back now and have decided that I no longer need the hats. I have about 1/2" of hair on my head and I still get stares but I have decided that there is really no reason to hide myself behind a hat. It is as it is. In fact, I am more confortable in my own skin overall. I'm telling you that this book, A New Earth, has made me see life in a totally different way. I used to think that God was "out there somewhere" but now I know that He is everywhere. He is in the flower, in the air, in the trees, in me, etc. His presence is felt everywhere. I am a part of Him. We are all a part of Him. That realization has made me leave fear behind - or at least I am learning. All my old habits are still with me but I am at least aware of them now and can recognize when they enter my thoughts and I react in my old way.
There are not words to describe how blessed I feel to be alive. Everything is a blessing. Breathing is a blessing. Being able to walk, talk, and laugh are all blessings. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I am happy and I want you all to be happy also. Take each moment and accept it as it is and you will find that life becomes much easier to LIVE!
Only 2 more rads to go! I cannot believe I'm almost done!

4 more to go!!

2008-05-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have 4 more rads to go! I can't believe it! I am very glad that I stopped being identified with my illness so that once it is over I can go back to feeling prefectly normal again. I used to worry about it coming back but worry is a waste of time and energy. It is in God's hands.
Physically I feel pretty good also. Radiation can do a number on one's skin and I had a little issue this past weekend with blistering and raw skin. But other than that I am tanned and my skin feels like leather. Can't imagine how this can be good for me?!
I recently saw my husband's brother-in-law (husband to Tom's deceased sister, Jane) and when he and one of his sons saw me I guess that it brought up memories for them of what Jane had been through. Of course, Jane was alot sicker than I and cancer finally took her life. But she always had the best attitude - always - even to the end. But I remember he said that her doctors had told her that they were going to give her medicines (chemo, etc) that would bring her to the point closest to death without killing her. My surgeon told me that its like trying to kill an ant with a hammer. Isn't that just crazy?
Anyway, I'm not complaining. I just wish that we were closer to preventing this from happening to others. I pray that one day we will be free of this disease (and many others) altogether.
I want each of you to know that I am happy and am getting healthy again. I am less stressed and less burdened with things that don't matter. I feel more alive than I ever have. Smells are sweeter, flowers are prettier, life is awesome.
I have had several people tell me that even after this craziness is all over that I should continue to write. I wish that I could. In fact, I really want to. But when I sit to write nothing new and original comes to me. I could bore you with loads of stories but just feel that would be a waste of everyone's time. So, I will write until I totally run out of things (important) to say. Knowing me and my mouth - it may take longer than I think.
Cheers to all!

Playing the victim

2008-05-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

We all play the victim from time to time. It feeds the ego and allows us to feel like our worth is more than someone else. It makes us feel superior to others because we are going through more than anyone else. Our cross to bear is bigger..........our plight is worse......blah, blah, blah.
I'll get back to that in a minute.
The past few days have been wonderful for me. It has been a weekend full of wonderful moments! On last Saturday, Tom and I were invited to a wedding celebration for some friends and we had a blast! And then on Sunday we re-connected with some old friends that have moved back to NC from California. It was so great to see them and as far as I'm concerned you can NEVER have too many friends. Especially the ones you love so much. And then yesterday Tom and I went to a Van Halen concert in Raleigh and had such great seats! I have never sat that close to the stage before! It was awesome!
So, back to my other thoughts. I am a bit discombobulated (sp?) and women do not think linearly, anyway. So, I was lying on the table the other day getting my radiation treatment and all of a sudden my mind took me into the victim mode. It was as if I just realized where I was and what I was doing. I thought to myself, "I have cancer and I'm here having to go through this." And I immediately realized that it was my ego. So I became present again and it went away. I am not a victim. I am not someone who cancer happened to. I am not defined by this disease. I AM. This moment happened and I have become friends with it. My friend said the other day that she was riding one of her horses one day and it was a beautiful day and she thought, "This is a perfect day." And then she quickly realized that there are NO perfect days - there are only perfect moments. And actually only one moment - NOW - this moment. I have had more perfect moments since I have started becoming aware than I ever have had in my life. It is so simple. Where have I been before this? Why has it taken me 45 years to figure this out? I almost feel like I have been living in "sleep mode" and I have just woken up. And it is GREAT to finally be conscious!

Feeling Froggy

2008-05-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

I love spring!!! The flowers are blooming and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and everythins seems so ALIVE! It makes me feel froggy!
I have 12 rads left!!! I am getting near the end and my hair is growing back and all is well with the world again! I'm finding that I need to write here less and less. Not that it doesn't help - its just that I find that I don't need that much help anymore. I would imagine as my time gets closer to the end that there will be fewer and fewer posts and one day I will ultimately stop. But it has been a true God-send to me to have this place to come and vent. I hope that all of you who have been reading can take something away from this even if its just hoping to never ever have to come back here and read any more of my rantings and ravings! I have certainly learned alot about myself and this disease that strikes so many.
I appreciate each of you for being here for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish for each of you peace and good health and may your days be FULL of wonderful moments! Each moment is precious and don't let the "stuff" of life get you down. Thanks again.

Itch, Scratch......Itch, Scratch

2008-04-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

We've all had to deal with uncontrollable itches that are in the most inappropriate places. And they always seem to happen when its the worst possible time and place so that scratching the itch is impossible. And the more you try to think of something else the more maddening the itch is. It happens when your boss is talking to you or when you are standing in line at the bank, etc.
So, my right breast itches terribly. So does my right underarm. And it is kind of difficult to scratch it all the time. Thus it is maddening most of the time. I put the lotions and potions on it that they tell me to but they "ain't workin'!" At least not to the point that I would like for them to. Oh well. Just a little thing to have to complain about. If that's the worst of it then bring it on!
Tom and I had a very nice weekend. We worked in the yard and cleaned our house. We also watched a couple of movies and Tom got to play guitars (which he loves) with a neighbor of ours. And we went to a birthday party and enjoyed some great food and fun with some new friends. It was a weekend of blessings and today it is raining and it is another day of blessings. Each day, each moment is a blessing. This is a day the Lord has made.......Rejoice and Be Glad!

A Beautiful Day

2008-04-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

Today is a beautiful day. Actually every day that we can wake up and breathe is a good day. But today is particularly gorgeous day as it is warm and the sky is blue and the flowers are budding and the world is alive and wonderful! Tom and I decided to take the day off and we worked in the yard. We had some plants to re-pot and a couple of trees to plant (my Earth Day promise) and we also bought some herbs and started an herb garden. While we were outside our dogs were running around in the yard, as they often do, and our youngest, Reese, started across the street to see the lady over there. Our dogs are about 55 pounds, medium sized, and they are very nice. The worst thing they might do is jump on you but mostly they are just friendly. Well, we didn't know but she is terrified of dogs. She looked up and saw the dog coming and started running away screaming. We were screaming at the dog and all she did was keep chasing the woman because she thought they were playing. Well finally I got the dog and put both of them in our day pen. By the time I went back across the street the woman's husband was cussing at Tom and the woman was almost hysterical.
Now, I am in the process of learning to stay in the moment and accept each moment as it is, whatever that may be. I am trying to not react and to be positive. It was very difficult to do that at that moment and its probably a good thing that Tom went over there because I don't think that I could have held my tongue. Tom apologized about a million times and the guys still had the gall to tell him that he was going to call the "law" if we didn't put our dogs on a leash. Well in the County our dogs don't have to be leashed unless they are deemed dangerous or vicious. I think he would have a very hard time proving our dogs as dangerous. He was really an ASS about it. So here I am trying to learn to let things go and yet I am still thinking about this incident and writing about it. So, clearly, I am having more trouble letting go than I thought. As I've said before I am a work in progress.
Anyway, today was 18 rads down so I am now a little over 1/2 way! WOOHOO!!! Almost there!
I hope all of you have a good weekend and try not to let the little things bother you. I am trying also.

Earth Day

2008-04-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today is April 22nd and it is Earth Day. Today is meant to bring about awareness to our Mother Earth and what we are doing to her. I usually try to plant something on Earth Day but I have been too inside myself to do that this year. No Excuse! So, I will try to plant a tree this weekend to uphold my agreement to myself.
Mind noise has been a problem for me the past couple of days. This is when the mind begins telling me what to do - talking to me and telling me things that I know to be untrue or "whirring" away on things that just don't matter. I have to be very aware in those moments to bring myself back into the present moment and not listen to the mind noise. Its funny how we as humans are always looking for our next issue, happy moment, big break, money windfall, etc., and we lose sight of the moments that we are in - right now. We are never satisfied so must always look ahead. And then we've got our past that wants to tell us that something is right or wrong just because that's the way we were brought up. If we learn to accept the present time in our lives then we will probably be alot happier. Or at least, maybe, we'd be alot less insane!
15 Rads down! All going well except skin is starting to itch and breast is starting to be a bit achy. Doc says that's OK - gave me the name of some anti-itch cream. I may use it all over my body because my hair is starting to grow back everywhere and I've been scratching like I have fleas! I now have a 5:00 shadow on the top of my head. Its kinda cool except when I hot flash! Then its hot and sweaty - HA!
Happy Earth Day to ALL!! Thanks for hanging in there with me. The Lord will bless you for helping this old girl like you have!

45 YEARS OLD!

2008-04-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 21st, is my 45th birthday. How different I feel about birthdays now! I used to hate turning older and looking in the mirror at all those wrinkles. But, know what? Every single one of those wrinkles brought me to this place in this life. Everyone of them is for something that happened to me in this life and that is a very good thing. Some may say, "so what?" But I have to tell you that I am starting to believe (and my new book has alot to do with this) that I have been blessed with the GIFT of cancer. Yes, I said gift. And no, I haven't lost my mind. This gift has made me look at this life in a totally different light and it is truly beautiful! This gift has changed my mind about alot of things - "If you want to be somebody else, change your mind" - from a song by Sister Hazel. I am thinking more clearly than I have in years. I am happy and feeling very blessed to BE in/of this LIFE.
"Life is good" is a mantra that you can find everywhere - on t-shirts, bumper stickers, hats, etc., and how true this simple little saying is.
On Monday my ego will tell me that it is MY DAY but truly it will be another day in this wonderful place we call LIFE and you better believe that I will be celebrating!!!

In the present

2008-04-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

I am present in the moment and find myself having much better days lately. When my mind noise begins taking me to the future or the past I try to reign back into the moment. This moment is ALL I have so why not make it a good one? It is as it is and if I embrace it instead of fighting it then I am much more at ease. I like this feeling.

No more Pity Parties - Promise!

2008-04-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

The rads are going well. No side effects so far and I am so glad. It won't be as long as it has been!
I have turned the corner, I do believe! I am done with complaining and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I just cannot do it anymore. I am feeling stronger and my attitude has adjusted. I want to become enlightened about why I am here on this earth and why things happen. I mentioned the book, A New Earth, and I have to say that so far it is dead-on! Granted I am only on Chapter 3 but I cannot believe how much I agree with what this man has written. I am bound by my ego and that is NOT a good thing. I want to get out from underneath it. I want to stop labeling people and things and myself and just BE. I want to stop talking about folks and stop worrying about them talking about me. I want to ask for forgiveness and grant it also. I am ready for this change. I am a work in progress and that's OK. I am calm and at peace. I pray it lasts.
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." -From A New Earth

Just another thing

2008-04-10T09:37:00.001-07:00

The Smiths have had a hard year. As any of you that have been reading since my first blog you know that in the last 17 months Tom and I lost both our fathers, his brother and I got cancer. Recently as today the list of "more stuff" got longer. A very young lady decided to run into his truck while he was sitting in a turn lane. This is Tom's baby - his truck - the first time in our married life that he got the vehicle that HE wanted and had wanted for a long time. So his rear bumper is smashed in and his feelings are more than a little hurt. He is NOT hurt - other than a headache and a neck ache but he is really mad. And I am too. Haven't we had enough to deal with? And you guys know how much of a hassle it is to try to get a vehicle fixed and deal with the insurance companies, etc, etc. - What a pain! I am very glad that Tom is OK. And that should be the main thing, right?! Right! Easy to say.
7 rads down! 28 to go! Its kind of a pain to have to go every day but I'm sure it will go by quickly. I sure hope so anyway. I really wish that I had taken the time off from work because I find it hard to get up and go. I'd much rather stay at home until I start looking normal again. But even though I do work at home sometimes I'm sure they would rather me be there. I'm doing the best I can which isn't very good most of the time. Not sure what's wrong with me other than loads going on in my life and I am trying to be a better person on top of it all......you see my problem. Too much to do and think about! The Roller Coaster ride is getting old.
I am reading A New Earth and am hoping that it helps me toward my need for some enlightenment in this craziness that we live in. I will blog about it, I feel sure, so stay tuned.
Thanks for listening AGAIN. I am so lucky to have this place to vent.

An amazing article

2008-04-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend in the Parade there was an article about a man that was dying from Pancreatic cancer and the things that he wanted his children to know since he wouldn't be around. These are the things that I need to remember and try to live by.

"Always have fun" Better to be a fun-loving Tigger than a sad-sack Eeyore.
"Dream Big" Give yourself permission to dream.
"Ask for What you want"
"Dare to take a risk"
"Look for the Best in Everybody" If you wait long enough people will surprise and impress you.
"Make time for what matters" Time is all you have. And one day you may find that you have less than you think.
"Let kids be themselves."
-Taken from Parade magazine on April 6th, 2008.

My right breast is starting to ache a little. It's not burned yet or even tanned from 4 rad sessions. But it is a little sore. Kind of like it used to be when the "time of the month" came by. So far that is all I am dealing with. I'm tired also but I think its just stress though. So if I live by those things above will my stress go away? Sure seems like it would, doesn't it?

Finally getting some energy back

2008-04-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better and better all the time. I still fatigue easier than I used to but I can tell that my energy is returning. That makes me feel good.
I had written a scathing blog entry about platitudes and how I hate them and wish people would stop using them with me. I read back thru it and decided that it sounded too much like I was preaching and I don't want to come off that way. I know that most people are just well-meaning and the others just don't matter.

Rads are going well - 3 down and 32 to go. So far so good. They never did do the tattoos so I think I'm just going to wait until they say that it HAS to be done and stop asking about it. For now I have blue marker marks on me covered with clear tape so it just looks strange but it doesn't really bother me. I asked on the message board when I would start feeling the side effects and some people said I just might make it thru without any. Wouldn't that be fantastic?!

I recently read an article about the type of BC that I have and it kind of scared me. It says that "women suffering a kind of breast cancer called triple-negative are more likely than other breast cancer patients to experience a relapse." It also said that "........women with triple-negative breast cancer were almost twice as likely to relapse. The pattern of relapse had a rapidly rising rate in the first two years after diagnosis, a peak at two to three years, followedby a decline over the next five." But the kicker was this: "...if triple negative breast cancer patients did experience a relapse, the median survival time from relapse to death was nine months....." So I read this article several times and it made me very sad. However, I am OK now. No one is promised another moment so make the most of the moments you have. Sometimes that is easier said than done. But I am trying and I urge each of you to try also. We all need reminding from time to time.

1 rad down and 34 to go

2008-04-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

I had my first radiation treatment today. They still haven't done the tattoos yet. I think they will do them in the next couple of days. They were right - I didn't feel a thing. Will have to wait to see how they will affect me. I understand the effects are cummulative so it may take a few days to affect me at all.
Its interesting to me how they describe what will happen with my breast while undergoing radiation. First, they say that it will tan. So I will have 1 tanned breast and 1 that's pasty white. OK - I can handle that. Next they say that it may burn (like a sunburn) so I have to put this special (expensive I might add) ointment on it after each treatment and at night before bed. OK, I can handle that. And last they tell me that the radiation makes the breast "perky" or more firm than it has been. I am 44 years old and it has literally been years since I had perky breasts. So I asked if they could/would radiate the other breast so that they could both be evenly perky. They said no. So soon I will have one perky/firm breast and one that wants to hang to my waist. How attractive! And just in time for summer and bathing suits too! Oh this just keeps getting better and better!
I am doing OK today - seem a little blue. Hope that gets better. We have had my male dog's "girlfriend" over for almost 2 weeks now and he is so hot for her that he doesn't want to sleep or eat so that means we can't sleep either. So maybe I'm just tired. I just really want to go home and cover my head and not come out for a few months. At least until I feel more normal. I'm so tired of not feeling like myself. I just want it all to be over! Why can't this be OVER??!!

X-Ray day

2008-04-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

So I had to wait because they were running behind. Once they took me I was laid on a flat table again - they have something under my knees but it still makes my back hurt to lie there for very long - and they marked on me again and took xrays. They had this underwater scene on the ceiling which was very cool. So when they told me I had to lie still and not move a muscle I could only move my eyes and I took in the underwater scene. It was so nice - pretty colors and shapes. It certainly helped the time pass quickly. This big machine over me took pictures and lights came on and went off and at one time there was this big spotlight on my breast. And it was NOT entertaining anyone. There was a man and a woman in the room looking at my breast which didn't make me very happy either. Oh well - just another thing.
I start tomorrow with my 35 rads. I will do the best I can to go to work after each treatment. Some women on the message boards say that they get so fatigued that they have to take naps. I will do whatever I can. May have to work some in the evenings and on weekends to make up time lost. I just don't know what will happen.
I'll keep this blog up to date (or abreast - HA) with the situation. Thanks for hanging with me.

Radiologist visit again

2008-03-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Radiologist again today. Actually I saw the radio-therapist - I guess that's what they are called - and I laid on a table with my arms over my head while the table moved back and forth thru this big tube looking thing. Then they put these blue permanent marker marks all around my chest. It was kinda surreal. I just couldn't believe that I was having to endure something else. I was a little anxious but it went quickly and was painless. I go back again tomorrow and will have the tattoos put on where the blue marker marks are now. They tattoos are permanent and allot of people go ahead and have them changed into a meaningful tattoo. I think I will skip it and just leave them alone. Maybe one day they will fade just like the nightmare of cancer will fade - I hope. After the appointment tomorrow I will schedule the 35 treatments of radiation that I will have to do. Will it ever end?

Today I helped someone.......I hope

2008-03-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Radiologist today. I had met with her before and already knew that I liked her. She is full of "piss and vinegar" or is a "spitfire"....... most of you probably know what I mean. She is sassy.
So her nurse explained everything to me again and laid down the rules. No underwire bras, no shaving under the arm on the side where my breast cancer was found (and let me tell you during chemo that would be no problem as hair didn't grow there but any other time not shaving at least every other day is not an option), and no deoderant (HA!) in additon to some cream that I have to slather on every day. It should be interesting. Don't know much about it and how it will affect me. I'll just have to wait and see.
So, when I was walking out of the doctor's office a lady was just getting out of her car and noticed me walking to my car. She said, "Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a moment?" I assume that she noticed my baldness and decided that I might know something about cancer? I told her sure and she proceeded to tell me that she has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. I stood there and let her tell me her story. I have found that most people only want to talk about themselves and if you listen to them and let them vent them they will appreciate it. In my small way I like to do that. I have been told I am a good listener and I tried to listen to her today. She had a hard life also and was questioning whether or not her previous "escapades" had made God give her this cross to bear. I told her that my God is a loving God and he is NOT a vengeful God and I would never believe that something like this would be a punishment. She asked me about losing my hair and feeling bad and tired all the time and we talked for about 1/2 hour in the parking lot. She cried and I cried and we hugged and she thanked me for my help but mostly I think she just wanted someone to listen to her. I hope that I helped. It felt good to try to tell someone getting ready to start this CRAZINESS that one can live thru it and come out on the other side - even though it may feel like it will never end and one may question one's sanity during it all.
I read today that a lady on the message boards said it took her 1 year to get her strength back. I must be patient then because I am tired of being tired. I want some energy back! I don't want to huff and puff every time I walk up a flight of stairs or walk to my car, etc. I have started walking again and hope that helps also.
I am still overwhelmed and fearful but I am trying to get my head on straight again. Spring is here and the flowers are blooming and that always makes me feel a little "froggie" as I put it. That just means that I am ready to lay in the sunshine and feel the warmth and smell the fragrance and just be where things are NEW again. I love Spring! It is by far my favorite time of the year.
Not much more to discuss right now. I hope that everyone has a great weekend!
Cheers to all!

The Blues and allergies

2008-03-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I have the blues again. I am so overwhelmed with the magnitude of everything that I am facing, have faced, need to get done, etc, that I feel like I'm losing my mind. In addition to that the allergens in the air are bothering me more than ever before. So, I am extra tired (overdid it this weekend in the yard also) and now blue on top of it all. The overwhelmed feeling is what's making me blue. I mean I am ecstatic to have completed chemo (AND NEUPOGEN) but now moving on to the next phase I find myself surprisingly sad. I really think it is thinking about what is next and wondering how it will affect me and feeling like nothing that I need to get done is getting done and.......blah, blah, blah. I know....same stuff, different day. I guess I am feeling post-partum blues without having the baby. Hmmmm, strange analogy, huh?
Poor Tom has had to give me more pep talks than ever. I feel sure that he is just about sick of me and my whining. It's always something - my back hurts, my head hurts, I'm so tired, etc. I asked him how long he thought it would take for me to feel normal (human) again and he said he thought as long as a year. That saddened me also.
So here I am sad and sniffy (allergies). This cancer thing is a constant battle between feeling yucky and feeling OK - not much feeling good - a few times but not many. The side effects seem to be cummulative and therefore they are "piling on" me at this time. I cannot imagine being Stage 3 or 4 and knowing that there is no cure for what you have. And that's another thing. I have triple negative breast cancer which has a higher rate of recurrence and is typically more aggressive. But everyone who is a survivor says that the worry will go away with time. I'm ready for it to be gone.
So, there it is for all to see. I am strong but today I feel very weak. Maybe this feeling is short-lived. I sure hope so.

Coming out of the fog but still tired

2008-03-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am now in week 3 of my 4th round of chemo. Last week the Neupogen shots put me down - for three days!!! It was awful! But I am recovering and even managed to work in the yard this weekend - some but I fatigue so easily that I don't feel like I get much done. We got our little garden planted - well some of it anyway. I got my flower beds weeded also. I huff and puff very easily nowadays and just get so winded so fast! I hate it. But it will pass. I will start walking again and that will help alot, hopefully.
I am sitting here in the bed watching basketball and looking up wigs online. I have to go to a Bachelorette party next weekend and I was hoping that I could look halfway normal when I go......Tom came in and asked me what I was doing and when I said looking at wigs he asked why? He gave me a pep talk about how I haven't been too worried so far and why should I worry now?
Anyway, this week should be a good one and I'll keep you guys up to date on what happens with the Radiologist.
My words of wisdom this week are - "Begin each day as if it were on purpose" - Not my words but something that hit home with me.

Tired of feeling sick and tired

2008-03-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm at home today - Neupogen again. I know its the last time but I am so tired. I know I've said it before but it seems like it just keep getting worse instead of better. Everything I read says that fatigue is cumulative so it makes sense that I would feel this way. But I'm so over this!
Anyway, I took an edible arrangement to my chemo nurses and other nurses and docs in the office. They loved it! It was almost too beautiful to eat. In fact one of them said she wasn't going to let anyone eat it until she could take a picture of it. I even saw my doctor taking a few bites! Of course, everyone loved the chocolate dipped strawberries - YUMMMMM!!!!!!
I'm sitting here knowing that I haven't written anything for a few days but just don't want to whine or complain so like mom says, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" - remember that? I like telling all of you what's going on because I know for most people this is the best way to know how I am doing. I just don't want you to think that I'm just complaining. I am tired of feeling this way but I can handle it for a little while longer. I read this morning while awaiting my shot that one cancer survivor wrote: Cancer is a blessing because it teaches us to savor moments in our lives that we may otherwise take for granted.
I say - well said. Sometimes we have to go through these types of things to make us slow down and enjoy life also. I hope I can keep this feeling because right now I am so happy to be alive and want to spend time with family and friends and make those moments special.
Life is good, folks.

Hot Damn, I feel good!

2008-03-14T14:16:00.001-07:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how much the weather influences my moods. And chemo getting out of my system helps also - go figure. It has been warm and sunny here most of the week and since I am getting my feet back underneath me I feel so good. This is the time that I have to be careful because those white blood counts can be low and I'd never know it. That's one of the many things about chemo that is so unfair. You start feeling good and then they hit you again with one thing or another. But guess what?! This time, after my last Neupogen shot, they will not hit me with it again! And then I can start on my way to putting all of this behind me!
Damn, I feel good! Cheers! Here's to a great weekend and the start of better things!!!

Day 6 of Treatment 4

2008-03-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

Its Wednesday and I am back at work today. I am feeling OK - of course, tired goes without saying, achy also, kinda "woozy" or lightheaded, and very sleepy. I will take it all with the knowledge that I don't have to go back for any more chemo! I have Neupogen shots next week - doc says since I've had them in the past that it is highly likely that I will have them in the future also. So that's next week. Boohiss!
So now I start radiation in a couple of weeks. I hear that it is very easy compared to the chemo. I sure hope so.
I don't have much to blog about today but wanted all to know that I am getting better with each passing day. I have started worrying about recurrences of BC but I am praying that this won't happen. Can't spend all my days worrying over it anyway.
Hope all has a very good week - spring is on the way!
Cheers!

Friday, March 3, 2008...........My LAST CHEMO!!

2008-03-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Today I took my last chemo. Today was the last day they got to pour poison in my veins. Today is the last time I sit for 2 1/2 hours in "the Chair" - interesting how loads of people understand "the Chair." Today is the last time I have to see the Onc. nurses - much as I loved them I am glad to not have to see them anymore. Today is the last time I have to see Dr. Huffman - at least for three months. Its the last time I have to dread the fatigue that will hit in two days and last three. Last time for Neupogen shots and bone pain two days later.
There are really no good words to describe how I feel at this moment. I'll try - blessed, blissful, cheerful, chipper, content, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, perky, pleased, satisfied, sunny, thrilled, upbeat - thanks to Thesaurus.com.
I am sitting here feeling like I can conquer the world! I feel vindicated because chemo didn't beat me. I had some better moments than others but overall I have been so blessed that I didn't have alot of the issues that I could have. And I took it. I didn't roll over but I stood up and every time I got beat down (and I still have a couple of those days to go so stay tuned) then I stood up again. I found out that I am way stronger than I thought. I want to live! I asked my husband the other night, "If you aren't going to LIVE now when are you going to live?" And I need to remember that also. My priorities have changed. How I think about alot of things has changed.
I am very glad that this day has come. I give all credit to my God, my husband, my family and friends. They helped me be strong. They brought me through. Thank you to all!

A walk in the park

2008-03-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and felt achy (what's new?) and my head hurt but I came to work anyway. Believe me I wanted to go home. I took some anti-nausea meds and some headache meds and within a couple of hours felt a little better so decided to stay. It was 75 degrees here today and even though it wasn't sunny it was still warm enough to get outside. So I decided to go walk in the park that is near my office. I haven't really felt like doing much walking but knew that if I could ever get started then I would feel better. Walking the stairs makes me winded now. Doing any little exertion is like working out times ten now. So I started walking and my back was hurting so bad and I noticed that my ankles were swollen. My bones were aching so bad that I felt like I was walking funny. But I kept going. I wasn't breaking any land speed records by any means but I was walking. And I forgot how much I love it. The river is down by the park and I was walking outside alot until my father died last year and the weather turned colder. It clears my head and today there was a nice breeze and it was just great. And then it started to rain......and I was where there was no shelter. I mean the first day I had even FELT like getting outside and it rains on me! How's that for feeling like the world is taking a crap on ya? Not really but it wasn't fun. So I started back to the office and by the time I reached an awning the rain was stopping. Just a short shower.....and we need the rain - don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the rain. I would have really been thankful if I could have been watching it through a window while inside! Anyway, I had to laugh. What a comedy of errors my life has become. Its almost comical. I almost always enter contests all the time because I figure that SOMEONE has to win, right? Well, suffice to say that it ain't me that's winning! But I am blessed and that's what I have to focus on. Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug! Lately I am "squashed!"

A good week

2008-03-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

As many of you know I have no children of my own. That was by choice. I just never wanted to have children. So, when I married Tom I inherited a son, Brandon. When I met Tom Brandon was only 33 months old. By the time we decided that Brandon should come live with us he was 5 years old and Tom and I were married. I had not really planned on being a parent and to be quite honest, I wasn't very good at it. And it was difficult at times but we all managed to work through it. Tomorrow, Brandon will be 21. Wow!! Time is flying by me like I'm standing still! And Tom and I both had high hopes for Brandon and his life. Things haven't turned out quite like we had hoped. But we realize that Brandon has his life and we cannot make him be what we want. We have to let him grow up and hope that he lives through the growing process.
Anyway, made Brandon a cake today and bought him new tires for his car for his birthday. I wasn't so smart at his age and I managed to live through it. I only hope that he does the same. I pray that he will learn quickly but not the hard way.
I am feeling very good - just don't have much energy. I tire easily and that makes me feel bad but the energy will comes back - I just know it. This Friday is my last treatment and I am so glad!
I am ready to begin my life again. Its amazing how my priorities have changed and also my thought processes. I will most likely never think the same way again. Maybe that's a good thing.

Friday and Leap Year day!

2008-02-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

I heard on the radio someone said, "Last year today was actually tomorrow!" And it really was! Since it was 2/29 we had to get into a conversation about those folks who were born on 2/29 and how they celebrate their birthday. It would be really nice to be able to say, "oh, I'm only 11!" Oh well, women are supposed to lie about their age anyway!
Feeling pretty good today. Spirits are up and energy is coming back. I even walked a little outside today 'cause it was so pretty outdoors. Headed into my good week so am looking forward to it! Hubby and I are planning a celebration next Friday after my last treatment before it knocks me down. He has been so good to me!
Anyway, wanted to say that I've been down and back up and down again. The roller coaster ride is almost over and I sure am glad! Thanks for listening to my rantings! Cheers and Happy weekend!

Blogging in my head

2008-02-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

I spent the day at home today - 1/2 in the bed and the other 1/2 trying to get connected to my office so that I can do work from home. We are almost there. I can connect to the office from my desktop but not from the laptop (wirelessly). And since when I am at home I am usually in need of staying in the bed then working from the desktop is not ideal. But we will get there. Right about the time that I am done with all this craziness. HA!
When something happens to me during the chemo side effects and I decide that I want to write about it I actually begin by writing it in my head. So here's what I blogged, in my head, at around 2:30AM this morning while I was waiting on another pain pill to work.
On Tuesday night as soon as I got home I had to take a Darvocet. The bone pain had kicked in and was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And about 45 minutes after taking the 1st Darvocet I had to take another. So I was pretty much a vegetable during the evening and sat on the couch and watched TV. I was getting ready to go to bed and Tom and Brandon were discussing the cell phone bill and I was trying to interject a comment and kept getting interrupted. So, needless to say, I got angry and hollered (that's Southern for yelled) at them and told them to "SHUT UP!" They just kind of looked at me and I apologized but continued saying what I had tried to say and then walked in our bedroom and slammed the door. I am a door slammer from way back. Anyway, as soon as I did that I went in our bathroom and I sat down and I cried. And I don't mean that I teared up - I mean I cried. I sobbed. I boo-hoo'd. I wept. I bawled. I wailed. I sniveled. And I hate to cry. I try to keep from crying because it makes my face puff up and my eyes swell and my nose run and gives me an awful headache. I mean I tear up but I don't cry. That changed last night.
I cried for hollering at Tom and Brandon because they don't deserve that. I cried because I feel so bad. I cried because I ache all over and I am so tired. I cried because I am bald and have put on weight and I just look awful to myself and feel like I look awful to others. I cried because my father died a few months ago and I miss him and never really got to grieve for him. I cried because I know that my mom is so lonely because she had lived with my father for almost 50 years. I cried because Tom's brother Paul died and I miss him and I know that others miss him also. I cried because I cannot imagine what his family must be going thru without him. I cried for everything that I hadn't cried about in forever. I walked out into the living room and apologized to Tom (after weeping in the bathroom for about 20 minutes) and he held me and let me cry some more. Then he took me into the bedroom and let me lie down and he sat with me while I cried some more. He said he had not seen me cry like that in a very long time. In fact, neither one of us can even remember the last time I cried like that. The only thing I know is that it has been a very long time since I cried in that way. And I think I could have continued crying but I made myself stop. We talked and he reminded me, AGAIN, that things are almost over.
I'm not sure how I feel now about having cried so much. I'm sure that it is very cathartic to get those emotions out from time to time and that I should feel better now. I'm just not sure that I do. Mostly I feel like I should be stronger than that. But I must have needed it. Otherwise I doubt that I would have wept like that. And let me tell you......I wept.

The pain is arriving.....

2008-02-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

Neupogen sucks! I hate it. I mean its not like I love chemo or anything but those Neupogen shots are the worst! As I have mentioned they stimulate bone marrow production and because of that the bones ache. I have it worst in my back. It's like I would imagine that back spams would be - I can only imagine back spams because I have never had them. If you've been reading the blog the entire time then you know that the 1st round of chemo, when they gave me Neupogen shots, the shots put me in the bed for 2 days. And then the 2nd round I only ended up in the bed for 1 day. I am hoping for NO days this time! But if the pain continues like it has this afternoon then I will be in the bed tomorrow. At least, maybe, I can work a little from home if that is the case. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best.
This morning on the Morning show they discussed a person who had written a book about people and summing up one's life in 6 words. So I started thinking about it and even asked others to consider how they would sum their own lives up in 6 words. Ernest Hemingway was once challenged in a bar to write a story in only six words, a novel that would tell the whole story, and he wrote, 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' " Here's what I came up with for my own life - "Life happened: strenuous, challenging, educational, surreal". I think if you had asked me 6 months ago my response would have been different. And as my mom says that hers is even different, now that she is in the Winter of her life, than it would have been previously in her life. But all you can do is sum up your life as it is, or has been, up to now. Its just something interesting to consider. And its not as easy as you might think. Food for your thoughts today.

Chemo and weight

2008-02-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

When I first found out about the cancer and I started researching all the parts and pieces of treatment I discovered that alot of women going through chemo will GAIN weight. How could that happen, I wondered? Talk about insult to injury! And as I have discovered.....this awful fact is very true. And I read on the message boards that the onc. nurses encourage the women going thru chemo to eat and eat alot! No problem there since we have to try to find things that taste OK as our taste buds are weirded out due to the chemo!!
I am an emotional eater - always have been - and when something life-altering happens to me I find that I either eat everything in sight or I stop eating altogether. Unfortunately for me, most of the time, I eat everything in sight. But, back in college when my 1st grandmother died I found that I just stopped eating. In my sadness I just couldn't find the strength to even eat. Too bad this feeling didn't stay with me!
Last January (2007) I decided that I needed to lose weight and started exercising (more) and eating better. And within about 5 months I had lost 24 pounds. And I felt great! And I looked better than I had in a while. And I still worked at maintaining that and had planned to continue to maintain - even though I really wanted to lose more weight. And then my father died. And I found comfort in food during that period and put on a couple of pounds. Oh well, I thought, its only a couple......I'll be more diligent. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the eating began. Now I have put over 1/2 of that weight back on and am feeling more than a little disgusted at it. Not only do I feel unattractive because I have no hair but now I have put on the extra weight and that is NOT helping the situation. I am in a vicious cycle now - feel bad because I look bad so I eat and then I feel bad because I have put on weight which makes me look and feel bad and so on and so on. Now you see my problem. I know, I know.....this will be over soon and I can get back to exercising like I want and eating better and can take that weight off again - I hope. The older I get the harder it is to do.
I went to have my white blood counts done today and they were the lowest they have ever been. So.....you guessed it........another Neupogen shot. I was so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.....Tom shaved my head again last night. It is growing but growing in patches - he even said, "It's growing on the left side but hardly any on the right side." So, until it can grow uniformly I will continue to shave it - or have Tom shave it for me. To be quite honest with you it feels so good when its freshly shaved. I know that's weird but its true.
So, I'll let you know how the Neupogen shots affect me this time. Hopefully, they won't bother me at all. That's what I am praying for anyway! And I'd appreciate all your positive energy sent my way also!!! Thank you!!

Somebody SLAP ME!!!

2008-02-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Do you guys remember the movie "Airplane"? Do you remember in that movie when the lady on the plane was "losing it" and everyone started lining up to slap her? Y'all need to do that to me! I'm sure that I have said this before but when I feel bad, physically, then it depresses me and I am way more "down". After each treatment I feel bad, I come here and y'all serve me cheese with my WHINE and then I begin to feel better and I get back up and fight. Well here we are again at that point. I always feel a little guilty and more than a little ashamed when I WHINE about my plight (there's always someone worse off than I) once I begin to feel better. But while I'm in the middle of it, "whiny" is completely how I feel. Please bear with me when I am in this state. I am now coming out of it. And then I go on Mondays (approximately 10 days after my treatment) and they draw blood and check those white blood counts and give me a shot that makes me feel bad again and then I am depressed again and then........ AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! It is such a vicious cycle! Please hang in there with me as I only have 1 more round to go! I appreciate your patience with me during this time.
I have determined thru my side effects, and reading about the side effects of others, that a person going thru chemo is only supposed to have 1 good week during each round. And that is the week right before the next round. That is the week when your bone marrow starts growing and the white blood counts go back up to normal. And then they hit you again. Boo Hiss!!!
Really the only thing that is bothering me at this time is the yucky mouth. I can't describe it other than to say that it feels like I have fuzz in my mouth. I drink liquids and yet my mouth feels dry even while drinking. It feels like my tongue is swollen and when I look at it there is a white film on it. And it feels like my breath really stinks so I am super-conscious about it. It is actually pretty gross. But when I think about some of the things that other women on the board describe I feel blessed that I have this little issue. "I am not minimizing, Lynne!" I just know that things could be loads worse.
I know y'all think I'm sczhophrenic, don't you? Who said that?
So I am nearing the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and can see the light. Tom and I discussed this last night and he says that next year at this time all of this will be a distant memory. I sure hope so. I don't have a very good memory and this is one that I would LOVE to forget!
Cheers to all and here's hoping your weekends are wonderful!

Wednesday after Round 3

2008-02-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

I am back at work but still don't feel well. Nausea comes and goes but the aches are here to stay it seems. My body just aches all the time now. The aches have been much worse this time than last. Each round has been a little different.
I feel awful. I look awful. I am blue.
It will pass. I'm ready for it to pass.

Tuesday and a little better

2008-02-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

Its Tuesday and I am up and feeling a little better. Last night I had a slight fever (99.8) and we had to watch because if it gets to 100.4 you are supposed to either go to the doctor or to the hospital. Never went any higher than that though so I am OK. Was very achy so took some pain pills and slept alot in the past few days. And still feel like I could sleep again. Actually did some work from home today - nothing too strenuous - installing software - so was actually a little bit productive. It took everything I had to get out of bed this morning though. Tom was upset with me yesterday because I stayed in bed all day but I just didn't want to get up. And I still didn't want to get up today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am feeling more depressed the further into this that I go. And that's kind of stupid because I am 3/4 done with chemo! You would have thought I would have been more depressed at the beginning, right? I think I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I ache, I'm sore, food doesn't taste right, the inside of my mouth tastes awful, I'm out of breath........I'm sad. I just want all of this to be over so I can get back to living! Right now I feel as though I am merely existing. I don't like feeling this way.
I am so tired.

Round 3

2008-02-18T13:13:00.000-08:00

Its Monday and I am lying here in the bed. Did pretty well on Friday and Saturday, as per usual, and then Sunday slept most of the day and today has been the worst. My body aches and I am so sleepy and tired. Side effects are following the same path, though, so tomorrow I should begin coming out of it. Brandon is sick and so is one of my dogs so I'm just hoping that I don't get it. I'm hoping that the aching bones are just the chemo killing the fast growing cells. It would be really bad to get the flu right now - or even a cold, according to the Onc. nurses!
Anyway, sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I think the longer this thing goes on the more tired I am and the more "down" I feel. In another month I will be so close to being done with all chemo has to offer so I am in the short rows now. I just have to keep remembering that. I can safely say that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, I'll try to be more interesting in the days to come. Here's hoping that I can hang in there for a little while longer!

Hairless Head

2008-02-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, or have seen, I am bald. I have mostly embraced being bald - I didn't wait for my hair to fall out totally - we went ahead and shaved my head before that happened - and for the most part I am OK with it. I have, however, decided to wear hats, scarves ar a wig to work and to the store, etc. I walk around bald at home some but even there I tend to wear a hat. And I know I have mentioned before that I am very vain. I saw Robin Roberts from Good Morning America walk down the runway in a red dress and a bald head and I applauded her courage! I read on the message boards about women who go totally bald everywhere and I am amazed. I thought, maybe, I could do that also. But I have yet to do it. For one thing, I see a bald head as “a billboard that shouts ‘I have cancer,’” which, of course, is true. And the pity looks that I get are a bit much to take sometimes. And it makes others uncomfortable. Is that really why? Or am I just afraid that people will think I am "less attractive" than I used to be? Maybe they won't like me anymore because I don't have hair? What am I so afraid of?
Baldness is surprisingly liberating. And I found that the reality of being bald was not nearly as bad as the anticipation of being bald - I mean it feels great! But where is the courage to show it? If its OK to be bald then why do I have so much trouble walking around with it in your face, so to speak? The hot flashes make me want to remove me head covering and the people that work most close to me have seen my bald head and they don't care. But I will not walk from building to building or even department to dept. without covering my head! A woman in the break room today asked me why I don't just leave the hat behind and go bald? She saw me tugging at the hat (I was probably having another hot flash and was sweating to death) and said that she thought if she were going thru "it" then she would most likely go bald. But then she said, "But then you never know for sure until you go through it." My husband's nephew spent the night at our house last night and I was concerned that he would see me bald walking around my own house? What is wrong with me? Why do I not have the courage? Where can I pick some up? I struggle with this every time I look in the mirror.
I told my friends when I found out that I would lose my hair that I didn't think it would bother me. I lied but I didn't know that I was lying until recently. I never knew that when I look in the mirror at my bald head that it would bother me as much as it does now. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary. And then I see people whose hair is so gorgeous and I just want some hair back!! Any hair on my head would be a blessing.
OK, enough. I'm OK. I just had to get that off my chest! It will grow back and be better than before! I have to believe that!
Thanks for listening. And its OK if you don't know what to say. Speak to me from your heart but don't inundate me with platitudes about hair and how great I look without it. I know the truth. Just laugh at it with me. Because if I don't laugh I may cry.

Never, Never, Never say it!

2008-02-12T08:12:00.000-08:00

I am a sports fan - huge sports fan (fanatic actually) - and I know that in baseball when a man is pitching a no hitter that you NEVER say, "He's pitching a NO HITTER!!" because as soon as you say it "WHACK" - out of the park the ball goes or even just a hit is sure to occur. So, my point is that I should have NEVER said anything about being able to sleep well. Last night I didn't sleep worth a darn! Woke up very hour on the hour - it seemed - and when I did manage to sleep I had the most bizarre dreams!!! I kept dreaming about trying on dresses? I just couldn't find the right one! And I don't even wear dresses!!! So weird!!
Well guys I feel pretty good - just in time for Poisoning #3! But it will mean that I will be 3/4 thru chemo and one more step closer to the end of April when chemo and rads will be done!!! I have 35 days of rads, if I remember correctly, but the radiologist says that they are short visits - about 30 minutes a day for 35 days, and fatigue is the only side effect. For that I will be thankful.
Anyway, not much to say today other than thank you all for your cards and letters and emails and cookies and WOW - I had no idea that so many folks cared or that I was so popular! I am so grateful that so many of you take time out of your day to even think of me. I know everyone has their own "stuff to worry about" without having to "worry" about me too. But I thank you for doing so. It helps me very much!
The end of this madness is in sight!!!

A Good Week

2008-02-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

This is my week before my 3rd treatment (WooHoo!!) on Friday. This is the week when I feel the best of all of them. I had an OK weekend - other than a stomach thing that I won't bother you with - and even managed to get some of my house cleaned. My husband did most of it even though he had dog trials all weekend. Isn't he great!? He's the best wife a woman could have! I find that I get fatigued so easily now. I used to be able to clean the bathroom all at once. But Sunday I had to clean the tub and take a break. Then the toilet and take a break. Then the sinks and take a break. It was ridiculous!
So I went to lunch on Saturday with my good friend, Lynne, and she told me that I looked good. And I expect that she would tell me the truth. But when I look in the mirror I DO NOT look like Wendy. And it's not just the missing hair. It seems that my eyes are baggier (is that even a word?) and my skin is yucky looking. I look very tired. And I really sleep pretty good. The ladies on the message boards complain about not being able to sleep but I truly have had litle issues with sleeping. But back to the way I look. And please don't think that I am saying this so that people will tell me "you look great!" I am writing this because it is how I feel. I am writing this entire blog because I have to have a place to get these feelings out or I'll go nuts!
I look terrible! I'm not Wendy anymore. I know I am no beauty queen anyway but I always thought that I was at least average looking. Now you could throw me in a pond and skim ugly for a week!!! And I know its because I'm sick. I look older also. And I really didn't need any help there. Every year that goes by the wrinkles become more prominent! I hate wrinkles!!! And yes, I am extremely vain! I know it. It is one, of many, of my bad personality traits. I find myself not meeting the eyes of people when I am out and about now. I keep my head up but I look past people - I think maybe because I don't like to see the pity in their eyes. Or the shock at no hair. What's kind of funny to me though is when I see someone and they talk to me like nothing is different and you know they are thinking, "She's bald! Wonder why she's bald?" But yet they keep on talking like nothing is wrong. And I know they just don't know what to say. But I'd really rather them say - "Hey, What's up with you?" So there it is - I am increasingly depressed about the way I look. But its OK. I won't look this way forever.
So this Thusday is Valentine's Day. When you've been married a long time you tend to take each other for granted and not do the romantic things as much as you used to. So, it was funny when I asked my husband if we could go to Ichiban (for those that don't know this is a Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and you sit at a table with loads more folks - no privacy) and he said sure! And we even discussed who we could invite to join us! But sometimes its kind of nice to go out with other folks, even on VD, because if you go out alone you end up talking about the kids, or money issues, or something very unromantic anyway. So, we will be at Ichiban if anyone wants to join us! We figure the more the merrier!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me vent again. Hopefully, it won't be as boring in a few days. I'm guessing that there are loads more Blog posts that are more interesting than this one. But actually I'm very glad its boring sometimes. That just means that my cancer is not getting the best of me - even though its seems like it sometimes! I will WIN in the end - Lord willing and the creek don't rise!

Day 15 of 2nd round

2008-02-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

Its Saturday and I feel pretty good except my tummy is not happy today for some reason. Other than running to the bathroom I am doing well. Nausea hit me again this morning - strange that it is so much worse this time?! Hot flashes are frequent and annoying. Shaved head and legs this morning - head was getting some new growth in some spots so just evened it out. Legs had been let go, as I mentioned before, but I decided I would go ahead and do my husband a favor - Valentine's Day is around the corner after all - and get smooth legs. I noticed that the hair on my legs above the knee was gone but below the knee it is hanging on.
The doc and I talked about changing my schedule to Thursday but realized that this Thursday is VD so we decided to leave it as is. I should feel good enough to do VD - even though most of you who know me know that I think VD is a day created by Hallmark, Florists, and chocolatiers to sell those items. I usually ask for a Goo Goo Cluster and that is all I want. I'm watching Rachel Ray right now and getting some ideas of things maybe I can cook on VD instead of going out. Although Ichiban sounds really good. Tom and I don't go out to eat much anymore since we got our dogs. We would rather go get something and bring it home and hang out with our dogs. Since Brandon is grown our babies are our dogs. I just love them. And I think I will tell you about them since I don't have any side effects to complain about right now. Read on if you are interested - otherwise come back sometime next week when I have round 3!
We have two dogs and they are pure bred Vizslas. They are Hungarian bird dogs - short haired rust red. They are a smaller red version of a Wiemeraner (sp?). Vizslas have red noses, red toenails and golden eyes. They are beautiful. Look them up on AKC.org. They are excitable dogs and have to have lots of exercise. But they are very loving and are sometimes called Velcro dogs because they have to be with a human at all times. They hate to be left alone. Take it from me - we got one (our male, Jax, is 2 1/2 years old) and he ate our furniture! So we got another - our female, Reese (1 year old on 2/19) and he calmed down. Of course, Reese is our devil dog. You've heard people say,"if my 2nd child had been my first they would have been my only child." That's the way Tom and I feel about Reese. In fact, we named her with AKC C.B. Deville which lovingly stands for Crazy B!+ch Devil! She is a handful! But they are so great. We love them lots and take them everywhere we go, if possible. They travel very well and have been loads of places. In fact, we look for places we can go on vacation where we can take them. When we went on our cruise we both missed them terribly. What would we do without our babies!?
Anyway, I hadn't blogged anything in a few days so I thought I'd let everyone know I am doing well. I am back up and fighting again - Pity Party is over and I am blessed to begin feeling strong again! If I could just get rid of the nausea then I would be perfect! Oh well, this too shall pass also.
Hope all has/had a great weekend!
Cheers!

Pity Party for one

2008-02-06T06:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in the breakroom at work a lovely young lady told me she was proud of how I am handling this cancer and how I seem to always be upbeat. I told her that she should know that I have my moments - down when I don't feel like getting back up - everyone knows those moments. Well, I had one last night. I had a Pity Party for one. I had been so glad that the Neupogen shot hadn't given me the pain as bad as last time and was able to manage it with Tylenol. But as the day wore on and I kept taking more and more Tylenol I realized that the pain was worsening. By the time I got home I had to take a Darvocet. About 1 1/2 hours later I took another and by the time I went to bed at around 10pm I took another. And then another at 2AM and at 6AM when I finally got out of bed I decided to see if the 3 Tylenol would do it. I took them and went on to the lab, got blood drawn and then waited to see if I needed another shot. Fortunately, no more shots were needed but I came back home and took another Darvocet. I am now in bed and in pain. This sucks. So last night when the pain started ramping up and I lay in the bed trying to sleep and waiting on the pain pill to work I had a pity party. I even teared up which I haven't done but twice since this whole thing started. And Tom was there to talk me thru it and tell me that I am 1/2 done and in a year this will be a distant memory. I am telling you this because I want all of you who see me everyday putting on a brave face to know that I still am human. There's nothing special about me or my attitude. I am doing what any one of you would do when faced with something of this magnitude - I am doing the best I can. And sometimes my best is better than other times. But encouraging words and smiles really do help me. So keep them coming.
As I lie here and write this I think about the ladies on the breastcancer.org message boards who help me so much by letting me vent and ask stupid questions and tell me how beautiful I am even bald. And some of them are going thru this craziness for the second time. Or they have Stage 3 or 4 cancer and there is no cure. And I realize, as my wonderful friend Lynne tells me, "Feel your feelings and then move on", that there are so many people who really deserve to have a pity party but its OK for me to have one too. As long as the party doesn't become my existence and take me over and drag me down.
I may have another 1,2,3,or more pity parties but after each one I vow to bounce back up and join the fight again. And with my friends, family, and co-workers encouraging me then I know I will be OK.

Bones aching and my husband

2008-02-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

I managed NOT to get the same achy bones that I had last time they gave me the Neupogen shot. I feel kind of like I have the flu (achy but not painful) but it is nothing like last time. I rec'd another shot today and tomorrow they will check my wbc's and hopefully I can do without another shot. I am just thankful that the shot didn't give me the same side effects as last time. I can handle a few aches and pains.
My husband is so great. Some of you know that he had a brain tumor back in 2000-2001 and during that time I tried my best to remain positive and upbeat and so did he. He didn't tell alot of people about it but those that knew were amazed at how upbeat he was about the whole thing. And if you ask him about it now he will tell you that his sister, Jane, is the one that taught him that other people will react to your bad news in the way that you react. If you fall apart then they will fall apart. If you are strong then they will be strong also. And it is so true!! Jane died of cancer many years ago but she was the most brave person I have ever known and she taught us so much about dealing with bad news. So now Tom is helping me thru this cancer. And he is being great! Together we are being very positive in our actions and emotions and it helps so much. I can't tell you how much easier this whole thing has been because I have Tom with me. God surely blessed me with my husband, Tom. He knew one day I would need Tom's strength (and humor) to help me get through my toughest struggle to date. And he helps me in more ways that I can even tell you about here.
I am doing well. I hope that each of you remember to thank those people in your lives without whom you would be less of a person. And thank them often. They will appreciate hearing it and you will feel good about telling them. Pass on the lurve........that one's for you, Tom!

Oh No........Neupogen again!!!

2008-02-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

But I feel so good!!!!! That's what I told the nurse when she told me that my wbc's were very low and she would have to give me another Neupogen shot. And she said that one thing has nothing to do with the other. While I was sitting in the waiting room after having the blood drawn and waiting to see if my counts were OK I kept saying to myself, "the wbc's are going to be good this time and I WILL NOT have to have another shot!" I kept repeating it to myself and then when she called me and walked into the room with a shot I said, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!" I was very upset! Those shots (I have to have another one tomorrow) are sooooooo painful! The shot itself is like any other shot going in - stings but otherwise OK - but the morning after it makes my bones ache! I just KNEW I would be OK this time because I felt so good! But no such luck! So I have the Darvocet ready! Maybe I won't need it this time! I am trying to be positive! Trying so hard! I know....too many !!!!!! in that paragraph.
So, I am repeating myself again in these blog posts. Sorry.
Now let's just discuss hair for a moment. As I have posted previously my head is completely bald. Tom and I did that when it began to "patch bald" so bad that it looked funny. So off it came and its OK......it will re-grow in a few months. The hair under my arms has stopped growing altogether and that's a bit of a blessing also. Less shaving and when I start radiation they tell me that I won't be able to shave under that arm anyway - or use deoderant, so watch out!!! I may start to smell! However, there is one place (actually 2 places) that I was truly hoping I could watch the hair fall out and laugh and laugh while it was happening...........and that is my legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, a little known secret is that in the winter I tend to let that hair go (hey, it keeps me warm) and so I was hoping to watch it fall out. Well, for some reason it is hanging on for dear life! And the peach fuzz on my face - which I lovingly refer to as "my beard" - for you ladies who are older (over 40) it will come your way soon - it is hanging on also! Now I am glad that the eyebrows and eyelashes have not "turned loose" because I will look REALLY strange without them but the rest of it - and I do mean all of it every where - can just go on and leave for all I care! You would think that the hair on other places of the body would have fallen out sooner than the hair on my head - WOULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT THAT ALSO? Too bad one can't pick and choose the Side Effects that they want........HA, there's a thought.
So there are my thoughts for the day - as you can see when you don't have to worry about your cellular service you have time to worry about other things! I know, I watch too much TV!
Cheers to all and better days ahead!

Yuck!

2008-02-01T06:10:00.000-08:00

I have a mild case of thrush mouth and it is yucky! The inside of my mouth feels so strange an I feel like my breath is horrible! The doctor had given me some magic mouthwash for my sore throat last treatment (which I haven't had at all this time) which I am using in hopes that it will take care of the issue. As it is not painful yet - only yucky - I guess I should be glad about that. I am trying to see the positive in all of this. I read the message boards and know that it could be worse! Lots of women have waaaayyyyy more issues than I have had. In fact, other than fatigue, I have been blessed with a easy "row to hoe".
Hey guys, I have had a couple of friends ask me if that last post was telling them that they have "told (me) what to do too much". That last post was just to let people know that even well meaning folks can push too hard for their friend to do things a certain way or make sure that they try this or try that to help them thru their issue. And suggestions can be helpful. But those same suggestions also can be frustrating for us as we weed thru the minutia and figure out how to save our lives. I mentioned my brother-in-law's wife who minimized my cancer.........breast cancer these days is NOT like it used to be. It is NOT an automatic death sentence. Great leaps and bounds have been made in medicine and even the chemo that I am taking is WAY better than chemo used to be. But everyone seems to know best and what they say for you to do is the only thing that will help you........and so on. All I am saying is that you NEVER know how you will react to something until you actually face it. And deciding what to do about my breast cancer was an extreme lesson in soul searching. I have learned alot about myself because I have had to face this. And I have learned alot about others - some good and some bad. But in the end, I made the decision and I am living (with a BIG emphasis on LIVING) with my decision. And I know what's BEST for me.
I feel better everyday. A little bit stronger and a little more positive with each passing day. I have put on weight (which I hate) but was told that might happen. When this is over I will have to get back into the Eating better and Exercising more frame of mind again and take it back off.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend. I go for blood work on Monday. Pray for good wbc's!!!

Life is funny......

2008-01-30T13:30:00.000-08:00

I am back at work today and feeling OK. I have dizzy spells from time to time but they never last more than a moment and are not all that bad. My mouth feels awful and tastes awful and if I breathe on you and it stinks then I apologize for the dragon breath. I think I have a small case of "thrush" mouth so I guess I will try the magic mouthwash to see if it will help. Other than that I am doing pretty well. I go back on Monday and hope that the white blood cells won't be too low. If they are borderline then I believe I talked the doc into letting my body try to do its thing. If they are way low then I will have no choice but to take the shot as infection could be bad. The Onc nurse told me the other day that a cold in an oncology patient could quickly turn into pneumonia! Wow, I never knew. So another day is gone and soon it will be time for another treatment and then another and then I will be done!! Woohooo!!!
I love to watch people. It is one of my most favorite things to do. I studied psychology in college and grad school and I find people fascinating! They are so complex in their simplicity! Or simplistic in their complexity - whichever way you prefer! If you've never watched people then go to a mall, or the airport, or any large venue where you can just sit and watch people. And not to make fun of them but to just watch them in their day to day. Highly entertaining!
Basic needs aside we as humans can be quite interesting. And frustrating. I guess I never thought that when I was diagnosed with cancer that some folks would act so different toward me and others would just take it in stride and treat me exactly the same. I never thought that some people would be so sure that they knew what was best for me even though they had never gone through what I am facing. Its funny how well meaning some people are and how they think that they are helping when actually they aren't helping at all. No one knows how one will feel until they are faced with the unknown. You've heard about walking in another one's shoes. Never has it ever been so true to me more than it is now. I remember that when I first told my brother-in-law's wife that I had cancer her reaction was, "Oh well, that's really nothing to worry about anymore. They cure 99% of those now, don't they?" I just smiled and went along with it and then moved on. But it amazed me that she actually could say that to me. She presumed to know what it was like to have cancer and yet never has. I wanted to tell her, "Take a walk in my shoes."
And some things I have read that people say to others with cancer - "How's that cancer coming?" Amazing. Now I know its very kind for people to try to "Pep" us (this is the royal cancer "us", I guess) up and make us feel as though the road is doable and will be over before we know it. And I must say that I do really appreciate when people give me those pep talks because I do need them from time to time. But sometimes its OK to say nothing at all. Sometimes its OK to say, "I don't know what to say to you. I feel for you and what you are going through but I don't know what to say."
And people should not presume to know what's best for me and my body. This was my decision. It wasn't even my husband's decision although I did listen to him and took what he said into consideration. But ultimately the decision was ALL MINE. And right or wrong I am living with it. And I know that people that love me don't like to see me suffer. And trust me, I ain't all that happy about suffering either. But it is my life and my decision and I just don't want people to presume to know what's best for me until those same people take a walk in my shoes.

Completely Bald

2008-01-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

I am now completely bald. And it looks very strange. Oh well.
I am so tired today. So incredibly tired. I was tired yesterday but today is worse. In addition to having the LEAD in my bones I can't seem to wake up. I slept from 10PM Sunday night until 10:30AM on Monday morning. Got up and moved to the couch for a couple of hours and then back in the bed and back to sleep. I just woke up again and Tom made me eat something and he opened the blinds so I could see the sunshine. And all I really want to do is go back to sleep. It seems like the symptoms came even later this time. I have been taking more anti-nausea meds this time also - some needed and some just taken as prevention to what I know is coming. The metallic taste has subsided so I can taste my food. Haven't really eaten that much but am at least trying to eat stuff that's good for me.
Not really much to tell. Not sure I will make it to work tomorrow either but am going to wait until the morning to determine that. I'm sorry that this blog has become boring. I am so tired and being tired has made my attitude slip a bit. I promise to get back up and fight again. I just need a little break for now.
Cheers to all of you.

Something I forgot to say

2008-01-26T16:20:00.000-08:00

I tried before to explain hot flashes and I did NOT do a very good job. But I did realize later that all I had to say was "If your eyelids sweat then you are having a hot flash."
And another thing - Its Saturday at about 7:30PM and I am feeling OK. Today was OK - I had a little more nausea today than last time and I took some anti-nausea meds and they made me sleepy. A two hour nap on the couch was in order and done. And now I wait for the LEAD to set in. I talked Tom into shaving my head (totally) tomorrow. I am almost bald in most spots anyway. And the hair hurts my scalp so we will get rid of it all. Its OK. But weird that I haven't lost any hair any where else. My legs still have hair on them - I keep hoping it will fall out but not yet - and my face and various spots on the body still have hair. At least I haven't lost my eyebrows and eyelashes yet. Its all a waiting game.
And I have nothing else to say.......go figure.

2008-01-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

TWO DOWN AND TWO TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Went this morning at 8AM and they didn't have the lab orders so had to go to the doctor's office - across the hall - and get the orders and then go back to the lab and wait. By the time I had blood drawn and made it back to the doctor's office it was 8:50AM and there I sat until 9:20AM and then she took me back and took blood pressure (which BTW was excellent and for me that's good!) and temperature and then I waited. A lady came in and talked to me about a study for anti-nausea meds that I can participate in if I want. Told her I would discuss it with my husband and then she left and I waited. Doc came in about 10:20AM and by the time he and I talked and went through everything that happened to me during the 1st round and then I went to the "chair" it was 10:45AM. And it was 12:45PM before they unhooked me and set me FREE! So it took longer than I thought but it went well. Had to get stuck twice, again, but it is OK. Not that much more to go. WOW! There were tons of run-on sentences in that paragraph. I'm so sorry, Ms. Brookbank (HS English).
And then I went to work. Felt OK and will probably feel OK tomorrow - at least for most of the day. I will do as much as I can until the LEAD comes into my bones. And then its movie and couch time.
So my husband used to and I still do work in what we lovingly refer to as "Cube Land". This is a place where there is nothing but cubicles as far as the eye can see. In cube land there is no privacy (phone or otherwise) and if you try to whisper then folks strain even harder to hear! Therefore, all your "bidness" is out there for all to hear and see. So, when nature comes to call in the form of "bad air" one has no choice but share with everyone or take what we refer to as the "cube land fart walk". Or if I MUST be politically correct - the Cube Land Flatulence Walk. Anyone who lives in cube land and says that they have never done this is a BIG FAT LIAR!!! You have to get up and walk out otherwise everyone will know that SOMEONE did the deed and people start looking at each other funny and its just not good! So now you know what we in cube land do when the air is too much to bear! And since chemo messes with my stomach pretty badly I feel the need to do this more often than usual. That chemo does BAD things, man, BAD things!
Will post with how I am feeling this weekend. Hope if goes better than last time. Cheers to all!

Thank you so much!

2008-01-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

The thoughts, prayers, cards and well wishes have been overwhelming! I never knew so many people cared about me and my plight. But I cannot say thank you enough for everything that so many people have done for us. We are doing pretty well and after tomorrow I will be 1/2 done with chemo!!!!
And, wow, I never knew I had so many people reading my blog. It sure has expanded from the few folks that I first told about it. I am finding it hard to believe that so many people would even be interested in anything I have to say. This has been a very good place for me to get out my thoughts and fears and not feel guilty about them. It is important when a person is going thru any life altering event to have a venue to speak openly about how they feel about what is happening to them. It has been a God-send for me to have a place such as this. And as much as I HATE that I got this awful disease it has opened my eyes in ways I cannot express. Especially finding out that so many people CARE.
So, thank you again, so very much! It has meant more to me that I can say.
Coming soon: Cube land and the (politically correct) flatulence walk and whatever happens after my next treatment tomorrow. Hopefully no more passing out, busted lips and black eyes!

I did it.......with Tom's help!

2008-01-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

I now look like Demi Moore in GI Jane - minus the six pack abs and various other muscles that she displayed in the movie. Tom shaved my hair off for me last night. I sat in the middle of the floor on a sheet and he said, "Are you sure?" And I replied "Yes" and he went to town. It looks and feels kinda cool, actually. I found it "freeing". I also found out after he got done that it had hurt his feelings to do that. But we laughed about it anyway. He said he liked it and that it looked pretty good. I doubt I will wear it that way because people tend to stare and it makes them uncomfortable. Tom says that is their problem and I shouldn't worry about that. I think I will find out how to tie scarves and wear them sometimes.
Anyway, I am feeling pretty good. Just in time to get "hit" again. Oh well. Wish me better luck with my 2nd round!
Hugs to all!

Snow, or lack thereof, and Hair

2008-01-21T06:41:00.000-08:00

Today is MLK Jr. day so I, as a government employee, am off of work. This past weekend it was supposed to snow. I love snow and was really looking forward to the 2-4 inches that they were telling us we would get. I waited and waited and it finally started snowing. And then it stopped and we got "nut'in"! They really screwed that one up! My first clue should have been that when we went to the grocery store there was plenty of bread and milk! So no way would it snow!
My hair has started falling out. My pillow was full of hair this morning and the shower also. I can see the thinning spots and my scalp is very sore. I am having a hard time sleeping because every time I move my scalp hurts and I wake up. I think that I will shave it today. Tom wants me to wait to see if maybe it will just thin and not fall out but seeing little hairs everywhere is getting to be overwhelming. And if it just thins I will still have to wear hats or scarves or my wig so why not go ahead and shave it? I'll let you know what I decide to do.
Next chemo is the 25th! Hope the side effects are not as bad this time!

I'm back!

2008-01-17T11:34:00.000-08:00

Back at work today and I'm feeling a little better. I still have hair, for now, although it is very short and I am having a hard time getting used to it. My bones are not as achy as they have been but my head is kind of "funny" - if you know what I mean. Not really dizzy but not altogether right either.
Speaking of hair.........my hair has not started falling out. I have been reading message boards and it usually starts falling out on day 13 or 14. Today is day 13 for me. Its like waiting on the other shoe to drop. I know that not all women lose their hair - about 80% do - but I have a feeling that it might just happen for me. So far most of the things that usually happen have happened for me also. In fact the bone pain from the shot was only supposed to happen in less than 30% of people and I got that. But then most people get a lot of nausea and I have had very little of that. So one never knows.
I have finally gotten the metallic taste that people talk about though. So everything I eat or drink tastes like metal. Maybe I can actually lose weight if nothing tastes good?! I sure hope so!
I know in my blog yesterday I sounded kind of down and I can safely say that I have my moments where I am saddened and scared by what is happening but I know that I can beat it and will give it my all. Laying in the bed doesn't make for a very good attitude but I know that it will all be OK. For those who have seen fit to comment on my rantings - thank you for your kind comments and all the thoughts and prayers. In the famous words or the Terminator - "I'll be back!"

Pain, Hot flashes and Attitude

2008-01-16T06:24:00.000-08:00

First, pain............anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge wimp when it comes to pain. I hate pain. At the first sign of a headache I'm popping aspirin faster than you can say headache! I know that I don't have to live with pain so I don't. Yesterday I was in about as much pain as I have ever known. My back hurt so bad it took my breath away. It radiated into my hips and all the way up my spine into my neck. I moaned and groaned and took 1 Darvocet and 1 Hydrocodone and got no relief. Finally Tom got home with my new Darvocet prescription (I think the other was old) and I took 1 and finally got some relief. In the next 1 1/2 hours after that I took another one. I hurt so bad I was sick on my stomach and didn't eat anything until Tom made me something when he got home. This was THE worst thing I have had to deal with so far! Today I am drugged up and am at home again. Can I just say that I HATE THIS!!!!
Next, hot flashes..........pain medication seems to bring these on in full force. For those of you who have never had a hot flash they are mostly inexplicable but I will try. When it comes upon you the entire body flushes from head to toe. Sweat begins to bead on the forehead and the upper lip. The body gets so hot that if it is possible to remove clothing then that is done. If one is lying in the bed under the covers then one immediately throws the covers back and begins gasping for fresh cooler air. It literally feels as though if you do not cool off that your entire body will erupt into flame! I hate them and it seems as though I have more and more every day and every night also. Another lovely thing about this process.
And lastly, attitude..................my boss says "Attitude is everything" and my husband says "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you deal with it." Attitude. So far I think that my attitude has been pretty good. I have not said "Why me?" or cried about my plight. I have taken it in stride and mostly continue to say to myself that no matter how bad I have it someone else has it worse. That puts things into perspective for me. It makes me realize that this is a bump in the road and will be over before I know it. Do you sense a BUT coming? On Monday I wore my wig - not because I needed it but because I wanted to show my peeps at work the new me! And for the first time since this whole thing started I felt sick - not flu sick but sick like this is life altering sick. And since they gave me those Neupogen shots to boost my white blood cell counts I have felt sick. And lying here in the bed while on Darvocet I feel sick. I am sick. I finally realize that I am sick.
Attitude, though, is how I will deal with it.

White cell counts and shots

2008-01-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

Having cancer is overwhelming! There is so much to think about and to consider. I went to have blood drawn and then I waited for the results to see if my cell counts (white and red) were OK or if they were in need of a "boost". I was called back by the nurse and told that while my red cell counts were "excellent" my white counts were "borderline low". So she gave me a shot. Didn't hurt going in and so far it hasn't hasn't hurt otherwise. I have heard/read horror stories so I'll wait and see. I think the worst it will do is make me achy and I am used to that feeling already. I told the nurse about my sore throat and what I had been doing for it - just taking aspirin to make the pain go away - and she kind of looked at me like I was an idiot and said that she would tell the doctor and would call me if he decided he wanted to do anything about it. The shot is supposed to boost bone marrow production so that's why it makes the joints hurt. We'll see what happens. Right now its just this sore throat that is making me want to go home and lie down. Mt throat feels swollen and so every time I try to swallow it hurts. Tom looked at it but he said it didn't look like strep so I'll just wait and see. I haven't had any fever so that's a very good thing.
Wore my wig today and it feels so strange. I doubt I will really start wearing it until my hair actually starts coming out. I wore it because I had told everyone at work and I knew they wanted to see it. I just can't seem to get used to looking at myself in the mirror! Its just not me anymore! But its temporary - only temporary.

10 days out

2008-01-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today is the 10th day out from chemo and this is supposed to be the day where my immune system (white and red blood cell counts) is at its lowest. And I am feeling like it. My throat is sore and I am feeling a little achy. My throat has been sore all week and I realized last night that I should have called and told the doctor this. So since I go on Monday morning for blood count checks I decided to wait. However, my throat is really sore and I feel like I'm getting a cold. No surprising since I spent all yesterday (about 3 hours) trying on wigs that (there's no telling how many people tried them on before) probably carry tons of micro-organisms. More about wig shopping in a moment. And it has gotten colder also. And this is the time of year when I usually get a cold.......hence, I am getting sick.
Wig shopping was a blast! Too much fun! In fact, to all my sister friends - one day when we want to get out and have a "girl's day out" - which btw we don't do enough! - let's go try on wigs!!! It is so much fun. And funny also! I started adding up how much I spend on trying to get my hair looking good all the time (cutting, coloring, etc) and how much wigs are and I think its cheaper to do wigs!!! If you could buy yourself 4 or 5 of them you'd never want to grow your hair back! You could be somebody different all the time!
I found one wig. I wanted to get more but just couldn't see spending that on a wig that I just liked OK. So, I will go back another time - perhaps to another store somewhere - and see if I can find another one. Wigs are not cheap - that's what I found out first. And they are really well made - they "breathe" better now and they feel a lot like real hair. In fact the synthetic hair wigs are better than real human hair wigs. Wash them, towel dry them, leave them on a stand and then shake them and wear them! What could be easier?
And I must say - every chance I get I will talk them up - that the people at Angel Hair in Raleigh are the nicest, sweetest, most professional people I have every had the pleasure of dealing with! They cater to women going through chemo or that have Alopecia and they are so compassionate! I recommend anyone needing a wig to visit them first!
So, I'll blog about the blood counts and how that goes.
Other than wig shopping and a sore throat not that much has happened. Hope all is well with all of you! I found out that I have a bigger audience than I thought so here's to all of you who have helped me and supported me - I love you for it! God will bless you for all you have done for me!

Repeating myself

2008-01-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have read back through here and realized that I keep repeating myself. CHEMOBRAIN!!! Sorry about that.
Everyone knows when a person has a life changing experience that they re-consider their lives. I am in this process. It is a shame that it takes going through something like cancer to make one re-evaluate what is important but sometimes we are very hard-headed. I know I am.
So I was sitting outside last night, watching my dogs play together, and I started contemplating everything that has happened over the last year. I have been faced with a disease that used to be a death sentence. Thankfully, this is not the case anymore. However, it still has made me take a long look at what I think is important in this life. It has also made me wonder if I can keep this feeling. How does one prevent slipping back into the mundane everyday stuff that bogs us down? How do you keep the feeling that you will remember to "enjoy today as if it is the last day" and not get bogged down into life and all its "stuff"?
When I decided to have chemo I knew that the decision could very well be the end of me. I mean that deliberately putting poison in your body isn't very smart. I know what chemo does and how it can prolong lives but at what cost in the long run? So, I'm talking to my husband (who is seriously one of the smartest people I know - smart about life) and I finally realized that putting chemo in my body is for my peace of mind for today. Because really no one told me that I would have any more time on this earth than today. And actually not even today - but rather right now at this very moment. This moment is all I have. I can hope and wish for more moments but I really only have this moment. So what can I do in this moment to give my life meaning? What can I say - in this moment - that will make someone feel better about themselves and their life? What can I read in this moment that will make me use my brain and leave this earth smarter than I was? Its all so overwhelming!
I have vowed to live my life in a happier way. I have said that I will enjoy something about every day just in case its the last day. Because nobody knows. My brother-in-law didn't know that would be his last day. If he had have known what would he have done differently?
But even more than vowing to enjoy my life every day - how do I retain this feeling when, in five years, the doctor tells me "You're cured! No more cancer!". How do I keep from slipping back into the old ways?
Someone will invariably bring up faith. And I agree. One has to have faith. But just having faith doesn't mean that you will be promised anymore than anyone who doesn't have faith. I have very strong faith but my faith still doesn't guarantee me another moment.
Something to chew on for the day.........

Dreams on drugs

2008-01-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

The medicine that they gave me for nausea gives me the most strange dreams. Last night, for example, I dreamed that I was re-arranging my sister, Margie's house in Florida. Except that it wasn't really her house. It was her house in my dream but the house in my dream isn't what her house really looks like. Anyway, Tom and I kept re-arranging things and never could get them to look right. And Margie is fantastic at decorating a house so it didn't even need any re-arranging. Weird. I woke up tired though because I kept moving furniture around all night.
While I am thinking about it......please let me apologize for the comment I made on my short hair and how it makes me either look like a boy or a gay woman. Tom, Mr. PC (Politically Correct), told me that I stereotyped gay women and that all gay women DO NOT, in fact, have short hair. Well, in that case, all boys DO NOT have short hair either. So I stereotyped both groups and I apologize. It was a futile attempt at humor.
Moving on to neuropathy. This is another side effect of the chemo. Neuropathy is when one gets a tingling sensation in one's extremities - i.e., feet and hands. It is very strange feeling and comes and goes. I also have the shakes really bad. It's almost like a junkie who hasn't had his "fix". In my case, my whole body feels "nervous" and jittery. Just another thing to deal with, I guess.
As most of you know I have started wearing hats. For one thing I am not used to my head being so uncovered and my hair is so short that I am very self-conscious about it. And I figure I might as well start getting used to the hats as they will be, most likely, necessary in the coming weeks. The more I talk about wig shopping the more people that want to go with me. I think it will be fun with lots of folks and the wig place actually recommends that you bring several people with you. We are going to Raleigh and make a day of it. I think I will try to buy 2 wigs. And it doesn't matter to me if people know they are wigs or not. In fact, I think its going to be kinda cool to have a new look.
OK, so enough for today. As you can see I have found my voice and for those of you reading this blog you may actually be sorry that you granted me this venue!

It was Tom's fault!

2008-01-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

I was dressed and ready to go to work yesterday and Tom called me and asked me to wait one more day. He wanted me to get up and move around and get "my feet underneath me" before going to work. So I am making another attempt today. I will work 1/2 day today and then probably be OK for the rest of the week. That's the plan anyway.
So my neck is really hurt. I guess it happened when I fell - that's the only thing I can figure. But there is better living thru chemistry - believe it!
OK, there is one thing about which I have decided to write. Throughout my life I have learned that I have to be able to laugh at myself. Actually my husband has taught me how to do this. So he and I discussed the following topic and I decided to write about it.
Gas. And I don't mean the kind you put in your car. I mean the kind that clears the room. The kind that the dogs wake up, sniff, sniff and then bury their heads. I mean the kind where you have to get up and leave also. I guess I didn't realize when chemo affects your stomach that it would present this very real problem to me. But it has become a joke around my house. If you have dogs you know that anytime you can blame this "gas" on the dogs that you do so. And since my babies lay on the couch with us I have gotten very proficient at blaming them for my flatulence. But since the chemo they have gotten blamed alot more. And these aren't "SBDs" - silent but deadly" - but rather the loud and smelly ones. So, careful when you visit me in my cubicle. Hopefully, as the days pass the gas will NOT. I know - TMI, Wendy, TMI!

I'm up already!

2008-01-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I am up and had a small breakfast and am now taking the anti-nausea medicine. It seems that it doesn't take long after eating that I have to take them. Its ok - its better than throwing up! I still am very tired but am going to try to get up and go to work in a little while. I will ease back into life. I am considering changing the chemo schedule so that I won't have to miss so much work. Tom went back to work today and he told me to get up and get moving - hence the title to this post! He's right though. The longer I lay there the more I will want to lay there. I need to get up and moving!
Thanks for the calls! My face looks kind of rough but it will heal. Leave it to me to give everyone something else to laugh about!
I know I said I'd post every day but I will probably only post when there is really something to say. Maybe again after we go wig shopping this weekend! Anyway, keep checking back because you never know when I might have something to say. And now that I have a venue - there's no stopping me and my mouth!!!!!

Spoke too soon

2008-01-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

Two words - this sucks! As good as I felt on Friday after chemo and even Saturday until late in the evening - that's how BAD I felt on Sunday and today. Saturday night I fell asleep on the couch at about 9:15pm and then moved to the bed around 10PM. I didn't even move until 5AM and then didn't get out of bed and move to the couch until 9:30AM on Sunday. Laid on the couch and watched football all day and then around 4:30pm my husband asked me if I wanted to step outside for a few minutes and watch him with the dogs - he is training the dogs for bird hunting. I went outside for maybe 10 minutes and when I came back in the house I went to the bathroom. As I stood up I passed out and hit my face on the doorframe. I remember thinking "Wow, that hurt!" and then nothing else for a while. I woke up face down on the floor and thought "I should get up" but couldn't so I laid there and then finally I got up and Tom came in the room and found me cleaning up my bloody face. Poor thing! It scared him so bad. About 20 minutes later his mom and oldest sister showed up to check on me and he had them look at me - they are both nurses - and they declared me fine. Banged up but fine.
So today, Monday, I slept until 9AM and then off and on until 12:30pm. I am now on the couch. Lead in my appendages is the only way to describe how I feel. Heavy.......everything is so heavy!
There are other things going on with my body - very little nausea, thank God - and some things that you just don't want to know! Suffice it to say that this sucks but if this is as bad as it gets then I can handle it. I am thinking of it this way - one down and three more to go!

The day after - 1st chemo treatment

2008-01-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

So far so good. I had a little trouble sleeping but so far stomach cramps and a headache have been the worst things. And I can live with those things! I sat in the doctor's office yesterday (sorry I missed blogging yesterday but I will summarize here) and he said everyone is different and he really doesn't know how this will affect me. He says that its certain that it will give me some fatigue but the amount and how it affects me is an individual thing. I am tired today but its Saturday and I'm supposed to be tired, right? So, I sat down in the chair and had two nurses at my beck and call. Kind cool, huh? I started asking tons of questions about everything they were doing and how it was going to affect me and how long it would take - I'll bet they were glad when I left! One of the nurses went to High School with my husband so that was nice and she also had breast cancer 9 years ago. She was very helpful. I was in the chair about 2 1/2 hours and they had TV on and I brought my journal so the time went by pretty fast. They served me drinks and nabs just in case there was any nausea at first but I had none. They also watched me very close because there was a risk of an allergic reaction. They gave me a huge shot of benadryl in the beginning (for the allergic reaction, I guess) and it made me pretty sleepy but I never did sleep. When I walked in there was a little old lady sitting in the first chair, head back, mouth open and boy, was she snoring or what? I decided that I really didn't want to be seen like that. I think that's why I never did go to sleep.
So it was over and we left and went to get the nausea medicine prescription filled because Doc told me to take one when I went to bed the first night - just in case. Some of the nausea medicine cost $30 a tab (incredible, huh?) but thankfully we have good insurance! Thank God for good insurance. But I digress. Came home and laid down on the couch. Not because I needed to but just because I wanted to. Watched soaps all afternoon - kinda nice. I am having trouble walking by mirrors - as some of you know I am VERY VAIN so now that my hair is very short (I kind of look like a boy or a gay woman - you decide) I am having a little difficulty with it. But it won't last long. Doc says that even if all doesn't fall out that it will thin and spot bald to the point that most women just shave it off. That will be one cool party! I think Brandon, Tom and I will shave designs or maybe I'll do a mohawk for a little while. I go wig shopping next weekend because the hair will beging to fall out within 2-3 weeks (probably by the time I go for my next treatment). I'm sorry if I repeat myself on some things. Its bound to happen and now I can blame my bad memory on something called "chemobrain" - cool, huh?
So there it is. Hopefully my PMA (positive mental attitude) will keep the pukies at bay and maybe I won't be too tired either. I am going to get up now and get started on some things around the house. We'll see how it goes.
Hey thanks for all the positive thoughts! And thanks for reading my ramblings!

The day before

2008-01-03T06:38:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day I start chemo. I guess when I first decided to go ahead I thought that I would be OK with my decision. However, as the days went back and the time got closer I began questioning, fearing, "shaking and quaking in my boots" so to speak. I woke up night before last and was shaking with fear. I finally started praying and to my amazement I was able to go back to sleep and even slept better last night. Its amazing how when you turn your problems over to God, and ask him to take them from you and help you, that you feel so much more peace. I have decided that He will take care of me and his WILL will be done. I will enjoy my life as much as possible until I go away from this earth. I have questioned my mortality a lot since finding out about this cancer and even more since my brother-in-law died suddenly on Christmas Eve. He was 51. I was really hoping to live past 51. And I know that fear is driving me now. If I wasn't afraid then I wouldn't be going through chemo at all. Its bad stuff. Poison to the body. It will kill so much of the good guys in the body and can ever miss the bad guys if they are lying dormant and are not multiplying. This cancer has/will change my whole life. I will never again be sure that I am healthy, I will never be able to give blood again without wondering if I am passing this disease on to some unsuspecting person, I will never feel whole but rather will always wonder if there are bad cells growing in my body waiting to appear somewhere else. I never knew that it would affect me this way.
The ramblings of a breast cancer victim who is bound and determined to be a survivor. I will blog throughout the treatment.

2007: The worst year of my life

2007-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

WOW! Has this been a year! Actually, the last few months have been the worst. I just keep reminding myself that no matter how bad I have it someone else has it worse. My father had a stroke in April - just before my birthday - and he never fully recovered. He died in September. Six weeks after he died I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Six weeks after that my brother-in-law (truly the only brother I have ever had) died suddenly on Christmas Eve.

And now chemo begins. Worried over that decision for a while and finally made it. Hope it was the right decision but then how do you know? Do you let chemo or the cancer kill you? I would have chosen to not have chemo but the cancer is very aggressive and I'm still pretty young - only 44! So now against my mother and sister's wishes I will have chemo. And it will most likely kill me. It is poison and I am actually taking it! How stupid am I?

So it is as it is. I have cancer and have actually taken that news better than most. I never fell apart and only cried, briefly, once. I have felt overwhelmed but still strong. I have faith that God will take care of me - however long or short my time will be. I had promised myself that if I ever got cancer than I would never (NEVER) have chemo and yet I am getting ready to start it in three days. Why did I change my mind? Fear - pure and simple - FEAR. But my brain tells me that I have a better chance of dying on my drive to work than I do of dying from this cancer. I mean they caught it early and said that they got it all and it hadn't moved from the breast so why am I afraid? There is this little guy (not sure why its a guy and not a woman) with this tiny silver hammer banging my head in the back left corner (why there, you ask?) telling me that the cancer will return if I don't do this. He will not stop banging that little hammer. My head hurts from all the decisions. And boy is there loads of stuff "out there" on cancer and alternative things to try and that chemo is actually the big drug companies and the FDA keeping cancer as an epidemic so they can get rich(er)! What to believe and what to find as "hooey"? Its too much to assimilate!

And then, after the decision had been made, my brother-in-law dies suddenly at the age of 51! He was never sick! So you can do everything right and still die suddenly! Or you can go through all this stuff and die slowly! Either way you will die! So, is it worth it to go through chemo?

I am so confused and that damn hammer will NOT STOP!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent. It might not matter to you but it matters to me.